always runs with scissors fast

aw, thanks, but when I thanked him I really meant it. I thought that calling me mischevious” was a very “Gentle” way of saying something funny. Too bad posts can’t take on a tone.

shticky guy, ” But I know you have a mischievous streak and a…”

well,thats a nice way to put it. thanks.

yeah, you’re right MDG.

I spoke last night to a Rav who is a MIMCHA in shalom bayis who is doing this 24/7 with others. Very experienced.

He pointed out to me that its important we/he gets very professional counselling to alleviate the internal pressures that are resulting in this kind of behavior. (Just as HaLeivi explained above). He also said that people can make serious mistakes and this doesn’t mean we run to break up the home. We try to fix it. I agree. And you must understand, as I now do that it was not maliciously intented! And how do I know? well listen to this…. last night when he was not home, my daughter and I were in her room at bedtime rehashing the story, as we were standing by the bed and wall which were involved and she said “No mommy, He didn’t know as I had hit my head. ” Meaning yes, he pulled her (with authoritative force) by the hand to bring her out of the room (as she & he explained me) and which resulted in her hitting the door frame, but he wasn’t aware she had hit her head on the door frame because he was leading her out of the room, while facing the hall, pulling her out with one hand.

And that is what he has been saying over and over to me. And now my daughter said it. Now the truth comes out! she said that he wasn’t aware. I feel a bit bad having accused him of deliberately smashing her.

And there have been NO further conversations between the father and daughter on this. So him “contaminating” her with brainwashing as to what happened is out of the picture. How do I know? I am the mother and know whose sitting where and talking what because I am always around the kids. Our abode is not so huge that we have a north and south wing of any kind. There can be no private conversations without me knowing my husband and child are talking something somewhere.

But just as the Rav said, I will pursue the advice of getting a professional involved. because of the fact there are still other issues.

Flowers, and Aries. I am sorry. I felt bad after I wrote it. However some of the suggestions thrown in Aries statements were far fetched and utterly ridiculous and I lost my patience for it.

Please forgive me Aries, I still want to be good with you.

But one cannot expect a person to hear ideas of having syndromes that aren’t relative to the situation. Its good to hear from professionals their opinions rather on these things.

I know Shalom Task Force is necessary and probablly a very good thing, but the lady there jumped in with a dramatic undertaking, advising me to see that this whole relationship/ situation is not normal, and not healthy, and that I have to have a back up safety plan to escape if necessary and I feel its all kind of like overly jumping the gun and making a mountain out of a molehill.

She didn’t really use logic like a man giving advice would. She was using emotion.

mom12, we are the women! And must keep the fort!

Have you read “women’s wisdom” by Rav Shalom Arush? Its good. Read it.

Aries, thank you for your long-winded but usual, good-intented post.

In order to write anything coherently helpful, its useful for one to first comprehend fully the written word which they are reading in order to have an acurate picture of whats going on. Therefore, allow me to enlighten you as to what it was, I actually wrote, on the previous page, to which you erroneously quoted me on, and hence, concluded I have Stockholmes Syndrome. (and, btw where did I say i was being held captive?)..

anyways here is what I had actually written, in response to dozens of concerned people, who had seemingly obtained the image that my husband is victimizing me physically :

“I must reiterate HE IS NOT VIOLENT TOWARDS ME or even walls or objects (i have done that) he just lost his temper at our child”

And the will to take action is what propelled me to start the thread. But how could people advise me if I don’t clarify what he does or doesn’t?

Maybe it would have sounded better had I taken out the word “JUST”. Or how could I have taken your advice above and written “he just hits me and not the children” which is completely not true.

People do make serious mistakes. And I am taking action by seeking help/treatment/therapy to make sure it doesnt escalate and get worse. But I have a problem with your “smartness” because you give a lot of advice that sounds like the banging of an empty drum.

yes thanks i am going with g-d’s help to steer our family in the healthy direction…..However, you all should know how I am a bit afraid of when my husband is going to walk in the door from work tonight because this is the first time I have EVER called the Rav, the only man in this city my husband truly loves and respects. THe only man he would die from shame to have to face in this scenario. I dont know why i feel afraid. Just of his barking at me, and his angry mood. Nothing more. Oh and lack of loving friendship of course.

People, people, people…Thank you.

Although its very overwhelming to have to read 89 posts, to date, its also chizuk to feel supported. However, you must understand that I am part of the problem. And that my husband is also a victim. He is a victim of his “mental illness” called undiagnosed/untreated Depression, leading to these behaviors. And I have also been a nasty person in the home towards him and the children. So, I have sometimes toyed with the idea of giving my children to a happy healthy family seeing as I am too weak, unskilled and lost. Oh did i mention depressed and hopeless?

But I would never, I am in fact capable and happy to rear my dears, this is my tachlis in this gilgul. Being a “new comer” to a chassidish village was not easy, nor is it ever going to be easy to live as a war survivor with not one family member in life to share the joys and sorrows. Bearing the baggage of my painful past, lost friends and family, and the present burden of living with a control freak in poverty are some of my obstacles.

AND having been brought up by a very violent woman, my own mother, who use to beat us, verbally abuse all of us, and demonstrate the power of intimidation through violence and violence against my father etc. I BELIEVE that is why I was attracted to a controlling husband.

After all, I DID CHOoSE HIM! It was my stupid judgment.

I must reiterate HE IS NOT VIOLENT TOWARDS ME or even walls or objects (i have done that) he just lost his temper at our child.

And of course its not ok. But it doesnt make him a rasha. Or ok maybe it does?

ARe you posters telling me that not one of you has ever lashed out and struck someone in your immediate family, under the category of what would be called ABUSE by the authorities? But could be called “a mistake” by ordinary people? Maybe we are the only sick family on the block?

I am so weak from life. However, inside I am an amazingly funny, creative strong person with ideas. But i’ve handed my strength over to this person. willingly. And I firmly believe nobody can abuse unless you LET them. I have been allowing this for some strange reason.

Ok, so then- I have to stop him from this koikes. I know.

Just for an update, I did call Shalom Task Force this morning, and she said all that you Posters are saying. “Its not normal, its going to escalate…..that He did this to hurt me, and control me”. I did as she instructed and called our Rav, who is waiting now to hear from my husband. The Rav was extremely disturbed and animated in his response making it clear to me that this must be tackled as a priority issue. That he finds it unacceptable. My husband feels weak and nervous, like he is going to “get it”. I feel bad for him. I would also feel terrible if he had have called the Rav when I was having a nervous breakdown screaming at him and the children. ONce I was so angry, I threw a yartzheit candle that still had hot liquid wax in the bottom of the tin can, right towards his chair which he was sitting in. Luckily it splashed on the fabric and not him. I felt very bad.

yes, we need help. yes its all unhealthy. But i blame him, because i wouldnt have been so angry if he had have been reasonable and gave me a conversation and communication whereby to help repair the marriage, in that incidence above. But, yes it was wrong. WE both need help.

Aries, I don’t get what u r incinuating as “the appropriate call” ? Do u mean shalom task force? Yes of course I just called 10 mins ago but these blessed ppl only work during selected short business hrs on certain days of the week, as explained on their answering machine…..???? I was very surprised and disappointed

Or do u mean I should call someone else?

I actually got a phone number for a mimcha in shalom bayis but he didn’t pick up.ill call tommorrow. I am seriously fed up and I want my kids to have a good life.

I blame myself largely for the entire thing because everyone knows that the mothers moods set the tone of the home. If I was fair to him or more even tempered he n

ever do this. I pushed him over the edge by being mad and angry at him.

no, i didnt. Its not going to help. But as soon as he goes to bed in a few minutes I will. BUt it wont help. BUt I’ll do it.

I want everyone to understand he has never hit me. But he’s rough on the kids cause they get on his nerves because he has a tremendous amount of life pressure that is unique to most ppl. Its no excuse but thats it. He is just not the father/husband I hoped for. I sometimes fall asleep shabbos afternoon and have these beautiful exotique sweet dreams we’re sitting on the sand watching the kids play with buckets and shovels at the shore, and we’re drinking tea we’ve brought in a flask, in silence, in pure contentedness watching the sunset, the clouds, the waves, the birds. But he will never allow himself to pick up and just go with it, and give me the time of my life by a picnic or outing that way. I wake up from these dreams so sad.

by the way, i dont have a rebbetzin. I have plenty of rebbetzins living in the shtetle, whom I love, adore and respect, but who calls them for these things?

mom12 please do say a whole lot more, as you said you could, even if it takes a whole page! i am listening.