msseeker: Of course I would, as long as he was a moral person who shared my hashkafa and I looked up to him. I also would now.

Helpful: Changing one’s actions is a lot easier than changing one’s character… Tzvi Hirsh has the right idea.

so right: You are ignoring the point that I equally would not want to marry an FFB who did those immoral things. It may make your argument convenient but it doesn’t make it right. Discriminating against immoral people is not the same as discriminating against people who were not brought up frum.

phrum: What I am looking for in a shidduch is a personal question and I don’t feel that this public forum is an appropriate way to discuss it. I have seen in all communities that there are different fears and prejudices against ba’alei teshuva. I have also seen in all communities that there are people who respect ba’alei teshuva. The shadchanim, unfortunately, don’t always suggest my name to a boy because they assume that his parents wouldn’t go for it. Many shadchanim have these prejudices themselves and do not advocate for ba’alei teshuva in the same way as they do for FFBs. They encourage us to settle and tell us to be realistic because no boy like what we are looking for would want to go out with a ba’alas teshuva unless something was wrong with him physically, emotionally, psychologically, socially, mentally, etc.

Tzvi Hirsh: Many of my friends unfortunately have unhappy family situations but there are many of us who have very supportive families. This could be revealed with proper checking. Either way, is a boy marrying the girl for her or for her parents? Would he really say no to his bashert because her parents were too difficult?

msseeker: You mistakenly think that anyone who wasn’t raised frum was an immoral person… I am not interested in anyone who is or was immoral. I am happy to date BTs or FFBs who are and always have been moral people. I see no hypocrisy there.

tzippi: B”H I don’t know anything about needles. I’ve never taken any drugs besides prescribed antibiotics.

real-brisker: Just like people from any group, there are different types of ba’alei teshuva and ba’alei teshuva can end up integrating into various frum circles across the spectrum. Being a BT doesn’t automatically mean that the hashkafa is different from an FFB, it just depends which community they identify with–a BT has a unique opportunity to be exposed to every type out there and choose to become part of the community that they feel is best for them.

Poster: Amen! Thank you very much!

cv: Unfortunately, I know what you are talking about. Since no one knows my background, I often hear jokes and offensive comments about ba’alei teshuva from some of the “greatest” people. It is clear to me that ba’alei teshuva are looked down upon and regarded as second-class citizens by many, including people who claim to do kiruv and have many not frum people around their Shabbos table.

oomis1105: I feel that this could also be checked out beforehand if it is a concern — if a boy marries a ba’alas teshuva usually the problem is the opposite: she knows more halacha than he does! The girls in these ba’alei teshuva seminaries learn halacha for hours each day. Shadchanim always ask if we can marry Kohanim and most of us can prove we are Jewish. I see how this could be an issue with people who don’t know halacha, but ba’alei teshuva are people who ARE already frum, not people who are just starting out. For those of us who were not promiscuous, we can take a test. However, I think even FFBs need tests because those who did go off a little at some point probably were not as well informed about protection. I unfortunately know many FFBs who were/are promiscuous, were molested, had abortions, etc. I thank you for your advice and your bracha however the boys who attend the organizations you mentioned are not boys who share my hashkafa. We definitely would not understand each others’ mindset.

its_me: I understand that it could be difficult for two people from very different cultures to get married. However, I don’t have any cultural differences from other frum people in my circles. I don’t think anyone was really frum from birth, I think every FFB had to chose at some point. Also I don’t think BT is a proper label since I was tinok shenishba.

shlomozalman: That’s what I’m sensing… the reasons given could be valid in certain circumstances but if someone would do proper checking as they would with any shidduch then it would leave him with a pool of very normal and stable candidates.

so right: sounds like a scam.

apushatayid: Many of us have very healthy relationships with our families and also have lots of frum family (cousins, aunts, etc.) which would be revealed with proper checking…

mdd: Proper checking solves all of this!

Moq: I think I am TPFB.

Ben Torah/HadaLXTP: I think everyone should want to be a real BT and I hate that the term is now reserved for people who became frum. Also I hate when people ask because it is a very personal question! Even if someone would ask me if my family is frum or not or whatever, why is it anyone’s business unless they are redting me a shidduch?

tzippi: I specifically don’t want someone who went off. Any thinking person will suffice. Does someone need to go off to be sincere when he is on? What is your kid’s concern about someone who had “experience”? And what do you mean by experimenting that could come back to bite? I have friends that all of this may apply to but I was a very modest girl even before I was frum… My IRL mentoring comes from my frum family, my not frum family, my friends, family friends, Rabbis/Rebbetzins, my Rav, etc. No offense taken… thank you 🙂

gavra_at_work: I think your question illustrates that my title is perfect as is. Why WOULDN’T you date me? Your premise is that automatically a BT is a lesser option than the other desperate girls and that there needs to be a reason given for why a person SHOULD date me. I think I’m a great choice and I’m not desperate (yet, B”H), and I am trying to figure out what it is that all these desperate girls you speak of have that I don’t have. What wouldn’t I give to my husband and my children? Why do you deem me less capable? I’m trying to understand why people like you don’t look at me and think positively instead of negatively. A 24 year old yeshiva bochur in my mind should recognize that someone like me has everything he could want in a wife since she has chosen to dedicate her life to doing ratzon Hashem with great sincerity, has been tried and tested after overcoming many obstacles to be where she is today, and has been working on herself in every way and will continue to do so IY”H.