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I don’t really understand this thread. The Rav Poskind that he shouldn’t shouldn’t get drunk. His wife doesn’t want him to get drunk so it should be simple that he should not get drunk. Why are people advising him to go against the ruling of his Rav?
Every year there are people that are rushed to the hospital for health related problems due to drinking too much, besides those who fall or get into other accidents. Is it worth it to risk your life and/or marriage just to drink on Purim?
While getting drunk MAYBE a Mitzvah the fact that your drunk and can’t daven and do other Mitzvahs far out weigh any benefit of getting drunk.
I think what many who post are trying to say is that Get and or divorce should not be the first choice. We unlike the Catholics have a method to dissolve the marriage which is via a Get. This should be used rarely. I also don’t want couples to be in a relationship where they are hating each other.
I think many parents cater to their child’s every need and after they are married they expect their spouse to do the same. When this doesn’t happen fights ensue which then may lead to divorce.
Health:
A) I don’t understand your views, in fact I am not sure what your views are.
B)Divorces are granted by the state courts and in most cases the wife is granted more than she is entitled to, which results in the husband withholding the Get creating more problems.
C)People fail tests all the time and it’s not the end of the world. A child may fail a test it doesn’t mean he will the course. King David failed the test when it came to Bat Sheva but still the Mesiach will come from his children.
D) There is a divorce crisis caused by too many people getting into a relationships that they should never gotten into. Maybe in high school there should be a required course where everyone researches civil court divorces cases so that they understand what can happens in divorce.
E) I am not a Monday morning Quarterback. I am merely making comments to encourage an exchange of ideas so that maybe we can get a solution to this crisis.
Mazel Tov on the wedding. I don’t know how far it is from NYC but I assume it is at least 2-3 hours from NYC. I am also assuming it’s on a Sunday. I would not be offended in the least, who would want to get up for a 7 Am minyan on Sunday if there is even is one in order so that you can start your trip by 8 to get to the wedding on time. I would be thankful that you even consider us New Yorkers and provided a dinner where we could also celebrate the wedding joy with you.
That being said there are people who may feel insulted that they weren’t invited to the actual wedding. In all probabilities even if they had been invited I believe the vast majority of New Yorkers would not attend especially if it was called for 10:30 AM.
Weddings never seem to start on time so if it’s called for 10:30 it will start around 11:00. The wedding ceremony will take about a half hour and the dinner should take 2-3 hours. It’s over by 2 giving you an hour to change into another outfit, which is no big deal for us guys but maybe to short for the women. Also the caterer has to clean up which takes some time.
By 3 you have to be on the way to NYC for the wedding banquet. By 6 your at the hall the women are in the hall fixing themselves up. By 6:30-7 the smorgasbord is being served, by 8:30 dinner is served. It probably is not going to be over before 12:00 so I would recommend that you sleep over rather than drive back that night as most accident happen between 12:00 and 3:00 in the morning.
Please note I am not a wedding planer just giving you some good advice.
I agree with you that divorce should only be used as a last resort, but what I am seeing is an epidemic of people in their early 20s divorced and with children. Many divorced before the child is one.
I have children of marriageable age so I subscribe to a shidduch listing were I get a listing of available singles. The listing only gives the initials, sex, the age, the shaddchun’s name, if divorced and if so how long, number of children, and a brief description. This is how I discovered this problem.
This problem is happening in all types of families whether they be working, rabbinic or Hasidic and there is a very good chance they will be living in a single parent family for years to come.
Mammele & Health:
I am not blaming the father at all in this case. The ex wife fight with both her kids and the neighbors. The wife has sole custody of the children and one time when one of the kids ran away to him the father had the police return the child. He can’t even talk to them without the wife’s permission even though he is paying child support and alimony.
The point I am trying to make is that divorce may solve the fighting on one level. It creates different problems on another level. This is besides the financial burden it places on the parents.
Health:
Friends and relatives only get involved when they find out about it. The course teaches the couple to resolve the problem between themselves and not reveal their problems to others. I am not a sitting -chair quarterback, I am trying to find a solution to the problem of divorces in the community. There is a price society pays for all these divorces.
For example,I have a divorcee living on my block with three adult children, although they started out frum and went to yeshiva everyone is off the derech. They fights with themselves and the neighbors and the police have been called and have made numerous arrests at the home in order to maintain the peace. I believe, if the father would have had a greater influence on his children’s life growing up they might still be frum and not have problems with the police. While I will agree that not every divorce results in such dramatic problems many do.
Life is a test and marriage is a test and divorce is a failure. Before the marriage they both thought the other was the greatest. What happened? To drive a car you need to pass both a written and driving test. To get married there are no such test although they may study the laws of niddah.
They are starting to give Shalom Bias classes here in Brooklyn but the ones that need it never attend these classes. Many of couples don’t take criticism well resulting in fights, parents/in laws and or friends get involved and it spirals out of control until the end result is divorce.
A conflict resolution course should be a requirement before a couple could be married. The course should have role playing where they are taught how to resolve disputes amicably and avoid the constant fighting and divorce.
Will this happen? I tend to doubt it but it could help eliminate the cause for difficult marriages and divorces.
Most divorces can be avoided if the parties would apologize prior to going to sleep. Many of us when we say kriyas shemah forgive those who have sinned against us, which is more or less the same thing. By the time they go to a professional the hatred has spiraled out of hand, each party knows what to do to antagonize the other and divorce is the only option. It’s like an addiction as soon as they get together they fight.
I know a timid guy wouldn’t hurt a fly or talk back to anyone who got married to a woman, the next thing I hear they are adopting her niece. Within a year they were divorced, but since he adopted the wife’s niece he was stuck with child support. This guy was close with R’ Miller who was strongly against divorces and probably spoke to him prior to getting divorced.
From a financial standpoint they are better off remaining together as child support and alimony plus the cost of maintaining two home will drain their assets. Does a wife who is supporting her husband and divorces him have to pay alimony?
From an emotional standpoint they maybe better off getting divorced. The stress of fighting will result in health problem besides psychological problems for years to come.
As far as who is at fault each case must be decided on it’s own merits, but many divorces could have been resolved if they would both apologize when their fight just started. It’s like the Hatfield & the McCoy who had a feud and even though no one can remember what it was about they were still killing each other.
Less Chumras
While in theory one can insure not having to go through hell in the next world by going through an abusive marriage, I wouldn’t advice putting yourself through that ordeal. Most divorces start out as a slight insult by one of the parties, the other responds and before you know it the loving couple turn into a fighting couple.
While I will agree that having parents that fight all the time is not ideal for the children. The civil divorce process ie alimony child support and the division of assets will bankrupt the parents and may result in the children living in poverty for years to come. Each parent is stuck supporting the child either by paying child support or raising the child for the next 18 years, which is a financial burden that any future spouse will have to bear making it harder to remarry.
From a financial point married couples are better off because they don’t have to support to homes. From a health stand point the aggravation from child support and or alimony takes a heavy toll on their overall health. while I don’t condone abusive spouses, one who remains in such a marriage merits that they wouldn’t have to go to purgatory in the next world.
NYC has an income tax unlike Lakewood. It also has Wall Street and more commercial buildings than Lakewood has residents, which are a big sources of tax revenue.
Also, In Lakewood Frum Jews are in the majority as opposed to NYC. So the ratio of Jewish students to public school students are different, 3 to 4 yeshiva students to 1 public school student in Lakewood. While in NYC it’s about 10 public school students for every private school student.
Also NYC has mass transit which many students both public and private use instead of school busing. NYC has sidewalks, crossing guards and traffic lights at busy intersections unlike Lakewood , this reduces the need for school busing,
In this day and age the or shrinks may not have the time to explain to you the side effects of the drug. You can research it on the web or speak to the pharmacist at the time of purchase or by phone. Many pharmacies printout side effects and proper usage which is given to you at the time of sale.
While age is a factor, as a child can’t have children, maturity is a larger factor. There is no class requirement to get married unlike driving which has both written and driving tests.
Part of the problem is that they have never been in a relationship they can break. The boy every zman may switch chavrusahs. The girl may have a rocky family relationship with her family resulting in a broken marriage.
Many people get married for the wrong reasons and when the MAJIC wears off they say what did I get into. We live in a throw away generation. You bought something and it doesn’t work throw it in the garbage.
People don’t realize the financial cost of divorce. There are two homes to maintain. Unless you are very wealthy alimony, child support and legal fees can take up 75% of your income leaving you very little to support yourself with. As far as not paying alimony or child support. If you work in the US you can be tracked by your social security number and your wages garnished unless you work off the grid. No bank account and no assets. You still run the risk of going to jail for failure to pay alimony and or child support. Many states have units that hunt these parents down as the state is usually the one that has to support these families.
The first step in avoiding divorce is after every fight try to be the first to say your sorry and never go to sleep before apologizing even if you think your right apologize. It will make for a longer marriage.
Joseph:
In theory I guess the owner can claim it back but it would have to go to an another shul, not kept in a drawer but in most cases it stays with the original shul. I am from Brooklyn where neighborhoods change and so it’s rare that families go to the same shul generation after generation for almost a hundred years.
What I think happened is that years ago a grandfather donated a sefer torah, the children and or grand children have no relationship with the shul and don’t want to pay for the upkeep. The way I look at they are giving up their right the sefer to the shul. The Klaf can be whitened and a treatment to prevent the ink from drying and cracking can be applied that together with new etz chaims and a montale (Cloth Covering)and it will look like a new sefer at a lower cost.
YY
Most pain medication is also only by prescription yet here too we have many who self medicate. Many times you barely have a minute with the doctor before he is on to the next patient. The pharmacist is the person that will give you the time and also answer all your questions and explain the side effects. Make sure to tell him any drugs that the patient is taking.
I am a Gabbi of last resort at my weekday minyan and although we have a light small sefer torah many people refuse hagbaha. I have spoken to some sphardim ( those from middle-eastern descent) and they too complain about heavy sefer torahs, in their case it the case holding the sefer which is covered in gold and silver making it hard to carry.
The way most people do hagbaha on a heavy sefer is to pull the bottom of the sefer so it about a quarter off the table then bend your knees and press down on the etz chaims. You will be using leverage to lift the sefer up. The only problem with this method is that it puts pressure on the klaf and if the ink is old and dried out it can crack over time. This is the problem with the old sefer torahs. Once it starts cracking in one place and you repair it a little later it happen somewhere else. Pretty soon it’s going to cost you more to repair it then to buy a new one.
I have no idea of what your shule Aron looks like, but if you have 8 sefer that are not being used, Are the families active in your shul? Many families may have moved away or there financial situation may not allow them to maintain the their sefer. Sooner or later you are going to run out of space in the Aron if new Sefer Torah are donated.
The solution maybe to repair these old sefer torahs and replacing the etz chaims and montale, (covering) and rededicate them. It would probably be cheaper than having a new sefer written and the extra money can be used for it’s upkeep. Check with the rabbi and the owner of the sefer before you try to do this.
I am not a doctor nor a pharmacists but I think you should speak to a professional before you start self medicating. There maybe serious side effects and they can better explain them to you.
During the early 1900 the draw to secularism was so great that even learned yeshiva students became irreligious. The only question is why did they refer to their great great grandfather as the Chofetz Chaim and not R’ Yisroel Meir Kagan. It could be the great great grandchild used R’ Yisroel Meir Kagan name and it just wasn’t retold that way.
I am in avelas so I am davening from the amud three times a day except Shabbos & holidays. If there are other chiyuvim we split the davening up. If they want to do the whole thing I let them, it not worth the fighting. Although once when a stranger came in right before davening and wanted to replace me, I just spoke to a couple of friends and had a minyan in a side room which was allowed in that shul.
Before this I would daven for the amud, Shachris usually Sunday, Mincha at work at least twice a week. If you wait around until someone volunteers to go up it can take a few minutes, so in order to speed things up we setup a rotation as to who goes up and this way we can get to work on time.
As less and less people do physical labor they have less muscles, unless they workout in the gym. It is hard to find someone who will lift these heavy Torahs and so they are rarely used. Do you want to donate a sefer torah that just takes up space? Or one that is read from.
I assume they ran out of grant money or maybe there wasn’t enough people entering jobs or looking for jobs on the website.
This is a labeling and customer education problem rather than a hoshgocher problem. The OU has no control over labeling and or packaging although they can advice.
The OU is one of the largest and most reliable kosherous organizations, if they had to cancel certification in cases like this they would be out of business and keeping kosher would be very difficult. Many hamisher hashguchas rely on the OU for most of the certification process.
A consumer education is needed to explain that each item that is package separately requires a certification.
If you are talking about a 95 lbs. able bodied, I am not sure safety gates will do the job. If the child puts his shoulders against the wall and extends his feet to the gate they will go right through it.
If he is alone in the room you can just lock the bedroom door which is a lot easier. You may also look into a bed alarm so if he gets out of bed am alarm rings. They use them at nursing homes.
I never had this problem but I had kids that didn’t want to go to bed, you may also want to look into restraints which are also used in nursing homes. Imprisoning the child in bed may not be the best solution and may create other problems. Baby proof the room so he can’t get hurt, have a night light so he can see and tire him out during the day so that he falls right to sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow maybe a better solution. Or at least that’s how it works with normal kids.
I am not sure how old or large the child is but couldn’t you just have a extra large crib. They do make cribs that convert into beds.
Did you try putting chairs on the side of the bed to prevent him from getting out?
I have no experience with special children but they should be no different then any other toddler.
I have never been a cashier, and am not a lawyer or a authority on Jewish law. It seems to me that the employer is suppose to pay his workers for the time spent on the job. Once the supervisor turns the light off it seems to me that the cashier is to close the register and bring the cash receipts to the office so that she can clock out on time. Ask the supervisor as soon as he turns off the light if you are going to be paid if you stay beyond your regular hours.
It should be noted that if you do ask to be paid for your time, you maybe fired r”l. I think you should talk to a Rav and a labor attorney before confronting your supervisor. Are cashier jobs readily available in your area for the same wages? Call a couple of stores on your break assuming you have a cell phone and ask if they need cashiers you will be surprised how easy it is. This way you can have a new job lined up if you get fired r”l or a second job if you need the income.
This maybe a problem since not all Welch’s grape juice will be kosher only the ones with a hechsher. Is it that much better than Kedem? Are the labels different between the kosher and non-kosher grape juice otherwise you maybe drinking unkosher grape juice for Kiddush.
This maybe a problem since not all Welch’s grape juice will be kosher only the ones with a hechsher.
The only ones who will leave are the very wealthy. Even then most of them will not want to do it. I remember when neighborhoods changed it was the renters who moved out first and then later the home owners moved. It is very hard to move to a new place, giving up a good job, home, schools and communities for the unknown.
All this is, is talk. The poor and elderly rely on government programs wouldn’t go. The middle class need their jobs and wouldn’t want to lose their house shuls, yeshivas and investments unless they fear for their lives. The only ones that can do it are the young singles who haven’t settled down yet.
Who knows if Canada will accept a large influx of Jews? Maybe there are the same problems over there.
How many of us will on the spur of the moment move to Israel? Sell your house at a loss. Transfer your investments out of the country for fear that the government will seize them.
I see nothing wrong with people getting together, the problem comes in when people drink alcohol which usually happens and things can get out of hand.
Car2Go has tiny cars which you may not fit into and no trunk. The last time I checked it cost about $8 an hour. The last 2 times I rented a car which I need to go to Lakewood they charged $12, with tax and surcharge it came to $36, gas was another $15 but I had it for two days and it had room for 5 plus a trunk for luggage. It sounds great but if you see how long it takes you to pick up the car get the family inside and then drive to where you have to go and find parking. It takes a hour to get there then a hour to get back and some time to go shopping or visiting. It cost you at least $24 with Cars2Go as opposed to $18 plus gas. Also you will be rushing back and may get into an accident.