Working boys and shidduchim

I agree.
All the people I’ve gone out with are OOT, I cannot imagine marrying someone from in town, but then again, you never know. If it gets redt, and sonds good…I’ll see.

But I totally get you, it’s like 2 different planets.

==Most people I KNOW who are in kollel/looking for kollel, know what they are getting into.==

they don’t know, they think it means an old car
young people have no idea how expensive the world is today and the frum world 3x as much, part of the problem is that childhood is all school, so one has no sense how hard it is to earn money
parents need to show kids the rent bill
the tuition bill
6 kids times $12,000 each for yeshivish school, $25,000 for modern, that’s $72,000 after tax, means you need 100k a year just to pay tuition

it all comes down to faith
hashem will help you
you just do the right thing
all will be well

“For example, I own a 1997 Toyota Camry.
As long as it’s clean and presentable,
why shouldn’t I be able to date in it?”

I won’t tell you that there aren’t many very spoiled girls out there who think they deserve the world. Sometimes their parents put that in their heads. I believe that in general dating today is one sided with the boys doing nearly all the work and the girls sitting around deciding who is good enough for them.

But there are exceptions. There are still some nice girls who want a nice guy. That’s who you should look for and don’t get embittered by all the problematic people. One rav told me to be business like about shiduchim. Don’t get wrapped up emotionally in it.

Certainly you can date in your car. But I do have a concern. Did you say you live out of town? That can be challenging especially for the guy who for mysterious reasons is expected to do all the traveling.

==I live in Israel in a yeshivish american community. There’s plenty of the entitled spoiled brats, I’ve babysat tons, and there were plenty in my high school class too, but there’s also plenty of wonderful girls who grew up in regular home with not to little or too much and know how hard it is out there to make it.==

As the Gemara says, Jews go to the stars or the dust (Megillah 17a). There are many nebach, selfish ones, and then there are more than a few really decent, sweet, idealistic ones. Many of the chassidick and yerushalmi young women are really special. Here’s how you tell the difference, the ones with problems stand in the middle of the sidewalk and yap loudly or type endlessly into their phones. The good ones are modest, let people walk by, aren’t loud, are busy with children. God bless them. They are wonderful souls.

Getting picked up? Hahahaha, I have to travel by bus. You wish I got picked up.
Dinner? Even more of a joke. After we get engaged, you go out for dinner.

I spend much time, physical, and emotional energy on each date. I do my homework in advance.
I’ve never heard, been redt, or known that boys learn alone. My father does, but he’s much older. I also know many married folk who learn while their kids are sleeping at home and gives their wife time to go out with family or friends.

But not single boys.
Not opposed, just never heard of it.

“getting one sheitel, and don’t really buy any clothing, jewlery, and or makeup for the first few years of marriage.

Their kids don’t get dressed in luxury clothing, and sometimes the electricity goes off or there’s no food in th house at the end of the month.”- shopping613 really?
all the kollel couples i know live very simply but don’t lack anything, their electricity does not go off ever and they always have enough food to fill them up and nt even just bread and milk,
even my brother who brings in all the money in the house from kollel (my sister in law doesn’t work now) with 2 little kids has enough money to buy whatever he needs, pay his bills and rent, yes he tries not to buy extras and to find the best deals but without running around all the stores to buy the cheapest items in each…

” in new York, the men are treated like dogs”- not by everyone.

==I’ve never heard, been redt, or known that boys learn alone.==

i’m not sure what you mean
if a guy has a chavrusa one day , goes to a shiur one day a week, listens to a recording of a shiur one day, reads a book one day a week, he’s not learning alone

i don’t if it’s good to only have chavrusos, that’s the blind leading the blind

I am 21 years old and looking for the type of guy who you are. There are plenty of girls that are looking for that.

“It feels so hard when everyone’s talking in learning, and it’s basically all above your head. Seeing people quote gemaras in their sleep etc…It all feels so overwhelming.”
I’m a BT, so I know the feeling, but it’s a great opportunity to work on anivus. I try to have the attitude that it’s not embarrassing to ask questions, it’s embarrassing if you could know something but you don’t because you were ashamed to ask. Nobody has a right to look down on you for asking—your learning is just as valuable as theirs and if they worked on their anivus they would realize that.
As a girl in shidduchim I want my husband to enjoy learning, 1. for his own sake, because he needs to learn and I don’t want him to be unhappy, and 2. because children learn from what we do much more than what we say, and if they can tell we dislike something or see it as a chore they will too. I’ve also been taught that to have the father learning (I don’t mean full time, but for a little while every day) elevates the atmosphere of the home. It doesn’t matter to me what topic he learns, or how (shiur, by himself, b’chavrusa), but I want it to be important to him and for him to feel positive about it.
Of course you can date in your car if it’s clean.
I am looking for a working boy, but I don’t know if it’s shayach because I’m probably more modern than you and also I’m bit older. Anyway, the same way you’re looking for an out-of-town type girl there will be out-of-town girls (or in-town girls who don’t fit the in-town stereotype) looking for a boy like you. There are girls who think staying out of debt is more important than impressing people. There are girls who won’t be embarrassed to say “my husband’s not in kollel”. I don’t know that shidduchim will go easy for you, because it’s in Hashem’s hands, but if it’s not easy it’s not because there’s anything wrong with you.

❄️

wow! mazel tov!
just thinking though, since there are so many single girls and boys in the coffee room, we should do something more productive, like people should send in there sesames and stuff!

Mazel Tov!!!!! Amen

MODS? That is a great idea

Allergic to sesame?

Sorry.

I highly recommend the book “The one minute masmid” by rabbi Jonathan Rietti. It describes a system of learning where even someone who feels discouraged about his learning can develop into a Talmid chacham. I know of others who felt a real chizuk in limud Hatorah after reading this very interesting book.
Don’t assume limud Hatorah is just not for you just because learning in yeshiva was difficult.