Who needs to change?

So why don’t more women whose husbands won’t give them a get burn his food?

unless he really really hates burned food 😛

mommamia22 – You need to talk to a rav or marriege consler ASAP. Nobody should put you down for gaining ten pounds (not even 100 pounds) especialy not your own husband.

He did not get any garantee for you to stay slim but you got a kesubah garanteeing you that he will treat you “like every jewish man would”, the ishue you mentioned is the most basic a wife expects from a husband.

For those who said he can divorce you, a husband can decide to divorce is wife if he dosen’t like her (aldough for someone to dislike his wife for puting up ten pounds shows that he is very shallow) but as long he is married he has some Torah mandated obligations including but not limited to the above mentioned ishue.

And even just to keep telling you that you are “fat” is verble abuse that you should put a stop to it.

Nor can I see a husband rejecting his wife over 10 lbs.

There is either much more to this story, or its made up.

If this is real, the answer is simple. Some people are shallow jerks.

EDITED

There is never a cut-off or excuse, unless the husband is sincerely worried about the wife’s health.

I am horrified to hear a husband behave such a way to his wife! (although I do know that this behavior is far from rare)

On the other hand you need to know if he is realy rejecting you or if you have a complex about it. Sometimes a man can say something that from his point of view is an inocent comment not relizing that for his wife it hits on a raw nerve.

listen, i myself gained a crazy amountin pregancy from water retension. I went from being really thin to plus 50 lbs-not pretty-but BH for good reasons. But you also have to be realistic. He shouldnt reject you, however you shld do ur best to look good and presentable. If the weight is bothering you or him, then try to work out and get rid of it, tell him you understand where he is coming from, and try some more exersize. Just make sure ur both understanding of each other.

Mommamia, would you be able to define the term “rejected” in relation to your situation?

always here, thanks (now how did I miss that?). I just wanted to confirm that my other statements weren’t too dramatic- I still stand behing them.

Is this a popularity contest where you will go with whatever gets the most votes?

Obviously, there is no attraction, weight or no weight. I’m sorry but there is something wrong with HIM. Like Deiyezooger, I suggest you get help.

Droid, for the first marriage we pasken like Beis Shamai:” Al igaresh ele im ken matza ba ervas dovar (unless she wants it)”.

Since the OP is adamant about this not being a hoax, I’ll back off and take it for what it really is.

That said, is it possible that the rejection was due in part because you did not feel as 100% as you once did, and as a result projected a negative vibe? That might account for the “rejection” you were picking up, as it was a mirror image.

At any rate, and regardless of the weight, if your mood is positive and upbeat, it comes back to you. Break the routine, make dinner reservations, get dressed like you mean it (makeup and everything) and see if that does not work.

As do most of us middle agers, I know dozens of folks that are 30-40 lbs heavier than the day they walked down the aisle. But that has not stopped them from having a very well rounded marraige. I’ll not elaborate further, but you get the idea.

Before you opt for the therapy / counselor venue, try the method that has worked for most couples. The food and visual senses route!

Chalila encouraging someone to breakup their marriage is a terrible thing for one to do.

I cannot believe that this is the only thing going on here. I’m sure there is more to the story- and if you dont have any other issues with him yet- they are prob just being hidden from you. He needs help. Try being as presentable as possible- dont walk around in rags when hes there and make sure to put on makeup…. and take him to speak to someone!

its not about health because she didnt gain enough weight for it to be unhealthy

If thats how bad it is then I would suggest you leave but make sure you have a plan before you just walk out and end up on the street. can you get a job? what about your social life outside of the home?

does he have a rav that would talk to him?

Did you ever suggest to him that you two go to marriage counseling? Does he relize HE has a problem?

Pac-Man, but the father definitely has more religious control when he is a partner in the marriage, as opposed to a divorcee with visitation rights.

MammaMia, don’t let your husband break your spirit. Seek other sources of help. Perhaps you want to contact another Rav or speak to your mentor more openly about the issues. Don’t just swallow his poison in silence…

Really pained for you.

I strongly suggest you look into a frum support group for domestic abuse in your area.

As you indicate, your self-esteem has understandably suffered as a result of your spouse’s behavior, and you are going to need self-esteem AND support in order to make sound decisions.

And daven to Hashem that He should make it so clear to you what you should be doing.

Imach anochi b’tzaar

Hatzlacha

I haven’t posted for a long time, but this is so disturbing that I just had to post.

I have a few questions for you:

1) Besides for this rov (who told you to butt out) do you have anyone else to confide in and seek advice from? Like a parent or a sibling-someone who can both advise you and advocate for you if necessary. This is so important.

2) What made you choose this rov? Is it because it is his rov? From the sounds of your husband I don’t think he is a reliable judge on choosing a good rov There are many “brand name” well known rabbonim that are either not qualified for marriage counseling/ human relations and just don’t know or acknowledge their limitations- they may be respected and recommended because they are highly qualified in other areas but are over stepping their boundaries when it comes to something as complex as shalom bayis or unfortunately, they may be worthless in general.

There are a few disturbing things about this rov that perhaps you can shed light on.

What does he say about your husband’s obsession with your weight? Does he tell your husband to butt out or is that ok? What abourt the fact that he makes you feel inferior? What is this rov’s game plan for the marriage? Obviosly the status que is not sustainable!Where does he plan to go from here and how does he plan to do it? Do your research- maybe you should find out which rov has success with shalom bayis issues like r Moshe meir weiss etc and get a second opinion from him.He might not agree that you should butt out.

Is your husband depressed, or taking meds? If he is, that alone is not grounds for divorce, but it is something you should be aware of. Either way, he has an obligation to make you feel like a worthwhile human being, if nothing else.

Did you consider hiring an investigator to traack him? Make sure there is a good reason for him coming home late-otherwise it explains why he is no longer attaracted to you.

Does he have friends? What kind of people are they? Can they talk to him if necessary? What are his parents like? Does he have a rosh yeshiva that he feels close with?

My personal opinion is that if he can learn to be kind to you, the rest can be worked out with time. Otherwise, there is nothing to work with, and the more time you wait, the harder it is and the more complicated it gets to extricate yourself from this mess and move on with your life, and meanwhile the mess only gets bigger. You have to believe in yourself and your abilities to overcome all the odds. Even if you choose to stay, it needs to be from a position of strength and not out of desperation, Your husband will sense your strength and will respect it. He will also sense if you are weak and will take advantage of it. You must believe in yourself and feel confident. If you stay, it is because you choose to stay, not because you can’t make it on your own.

Please confide in your family and get a second opinion from another rov because something just doesn’t add up here. I feel for you and wish you lots of siyatta dishmaya.