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Boruch Hashem I am able to share in peoples Simchas, be it a Bar Mitzvah or a wedding. It goes without saying, I come with a gift as most people do as well. Most times, I receive a Thank You card in the mail some months later. But there are times when the card does not arrive. Should I be Don Lekaf Zechus that the card got lost in the mail, or is it plain and simply rude of the recipients of the gift not bothering to send a card that expresses appreciation for the gift?
I was taught at a very young age to always send Thank You cards when one gives you any type of gift or help. Showing appreciation is a basic principle of Yiddishkeit and it amazes me how some people just ignore this principle. Or maybe the card just got lost in the mail.
I’m not sure that being angry or annoyed at someone for not sending a card isn’t a worse middah than not sending it.
Also, did the person say thank you when you gave the gift? There’s a difference between hakaras hatov and social convention.
So yes, if you’re the recipient, send cards. If you’re the giver, give b’lev shalem, not for the thank you.
Thank you Git the gift it was lovely and thoughtful i use it everyday so sorry for this late note but your kindness was so appreciated thank you again.
Cost of gift $25
Wrapping paper and bow $4
Being Don Lekaf Zechus priceless!
git,
you answered it yourself
“I was taught at a very young age to always send Thank You cards when one gives you any type of gift or help.”
they weren’t taught that but they were taught other things (like maybe selflessly helping out, not expecting a thank you in return)
embarrassing confession (even more embarrassing knowing how many posters know who I am) that I hope helps –
This in NO way justifies the end result but one of my boys kept on asking me for thank you cards after his bar mitzvah and I couldn’t afford either the cards, or the stamps. He was too embarrassed to write it on regular paper (I don’t blame him) and I never quite meant to NOT do it, just meant to “do it soon”. I was wrong, but I wanted to put it out thereif it helps someone be more empathetic. . .
Git: best advice that most people do anyway: Don’t keep track!
As the old adage goes, worry for your Ruchnuos and other’s gashmius. Who cares if it’s right or wrong? You’re not going to mussar them about it anyway, nor should you. If you don’t keep track you save yourself bad feelings if the card never comes.
And Syag, thanks for your openness. Postage stamps and Thank you cards are more expensive than people realize, and end up in the trash. But it’s good to have Hakaros hatov, so sometimes a thank you phone call will suffice.
I recently got two gifts that were given to someone to give to me a long time ago, and the messenger forgot about them until she found them while pesach cleaning and delivered them. I don’t have any of these people’s phone numbers or addresses, but I’d love to say thanks. It’s a shame they didn’t include a card with their gift, I really would love to thank them.
When I recieve a thank-you card, all I feel is the achy fatigued hand of the writer, who just threw another dabbled off form letter into the mail, facing yet the hundreds more he still has to write.
I actually just gave a present to a Bar Mitzvah boy, and I wrote on the card “Included in this gift is my mechila of the thank-you card, use the time to shteig veiter!”.
interested613, I’m hoping you’re one of the people who gave a gift to my daughter and son-in-law.
i alsways wondered this, is the inyan of hakaros hatov for yourself or for the person you are makir tov?
Gamanit hit the nail on the head.
If I send a gift, hand it to a person at a simcha in charge of receiving the gifts, etc. I am not sure the intended recipient received it unless I receive a thank you card or other acknowledgement. I’m talking about a physical gift; not a check which clears the bank and appears on my statement.
If I have not rec’d a thank you card (or phone call, email, etc.)90 days after the simcha I contact the intended recipient and ask if the item was received or lost.
My children have been raised that a gift may not be used until a thank you note has been written, envelope addressed, stamped and placed in the outgoing mail.
mammelle
” Postage stamps and Thank you cards are more expensive than people realize, and end up in the trash.”
do you know the difference between texting a thank you & sending them a personal thank you card? a personal card-rather thank you or birthday, anniversary etc…-comes with feeling & warmth & takes a minute or 2 to write while a text or a FB happy birthday takes a few seconds & is free but its not with truth & feeling & is forgotten the minute after its written.
How much times the amount would you value the difference between getting a personal birthday or thank you card versus a quick text or Facebook happy birthday? most people will say its worth more then 10 times the amount & its sent priceless with sincere love for the person.
Git Meshige, this actually is working in our favor. If we are expected to be dan l’kaf zechus that they would have said thank you, that means the presumed recipient can be dan l’kaf zechus that we meant to give them the gift in the first place!
Since not writing a thank you note saves money on envelopes and stamps that get thrown away anyhow, just think how much not giving gifts at all will save – no more wasting time and money shopping, wrapping, writing a card, shlepping to the simcha, gas money, tolls, perhaps even airfare and hotel… We can just stay home from the simcha and learn hilchos middos on YWN instead. LOL
P.S. If saying “thank you” has become so passe, then does this mean we don’t have to bentch anymore? Yay!! Moshiach is sure to be just around the corner!!!!!!
/sarcasmoff
Sure, it would bother me. I never claimed to have perfect middos. I don’t think I’d rant about on YWN, though.
Your case is also much worse. Driving off without simply saying thank you on the spot shows a lack of hakaras hatov a lot more than not going through the hassle and expense of thank you cards. I guarantee you that if the person who possibly didn’t send out the thank you card would have had a flat tire, he’d thank you profusely for helping him to change it.
I don’t know why you say I lack manners. I didn’t say you shouldn’t send thank you cards; you should. I just don’t think you should stew in indignation if you don’t receive one.
is the point of the gift to be thanked? (you sure sound like it)
After my bar mitzvah, my mom z”l made me write 10 thank you cards a night until I finished.
After I got married, my wife and I wrote 5 thank you cards each, 6 nights a week, until we finished.
After my dad z”l died, my sister and I wrote thank you notes for those that sent meals, made donations, etc. The same after my mom died.
Writing a thank you is simply common courtesy, and unfortunately, it’s dying out. Moreover, it’s also an acknowledgement of a gift that might have been shipped and not given in person. If I arrange to send a gift, how will I know it got to the correct destination? How will I know it was appreciated?
I haven’t gotten a thank you card for any wedding gift we’ve given in years.
Yeshivas and shuls no longer have to waste staff time, money, and trees sending thank you notes to donors…
No more expensive dinners honoring people since they donated thousands *purely* for the mitzvah…
People will donate without expecting their name on an ad in a journal since those are expensive to print…
*fabulous*
I think what bothers the op is the lack of mentchlichkeit hakaros hatov is a very important midda and yes every bar mitzvah bochur dreads sitting down every night and scribbling out these notes but they are now considered halachically adults and when your an adult often you have to do things that are not pleasant but you do them anyway because you have a responsibility to do so, so in essence the thank you notes are their first glimpse into life as an adult.
As far as wedding/baby gifts I just don’t know.
Instead of spending weeks or months on a heartfelt creative gift out of love for the recipient, I’ll just get a cheap tchotchke at Amazing Savings since it will be valued as much…
So, seriously. Send a simple thank you note. It would kill you?
takahmamash:
A thank you card, just for you:
**********************************
Thank you!!
for your thoughtful post.
**********************************
and a condolence card
**********************************
????? ???? ????
on your double loss.
**********************************
People should send think you cards, but a couple of posters here should really put on their ayin tovah glasses.
Dear Little Froggie,
Thank you for posting your thoughtful response to Takahmamash’s thoughtful post. It was very sweet of you. 🙂
Dear Takamamash,
I echo Little Froggie’s thanks and condolences. I’m sure your parents are smiling down with nachas at your beautiful middos!
Dear Git Meshige,
Thank you for thinking of others, even if they didn’t think to thank you themselves. But really, I’m sure your gifts and presence enhanced their simcha! 🙂
Often I will hold open a door for someone and not get a thank you yes it ticks me off and sometimes i may even say loudly YOUR WELCOME is teaching mussar to a jerk gonna change anything? no but it makes me feel better.
Dear Little Froggie:
Thank you for your thank you card. I greatly appreciated it. May we both merit the zchut to celebrate many smachot with klal Yisrael in the future.
Takahmamash
P.S. Please excuse me for posting your thank you here, but I do not have an address to send a real card.
??? ???? ??? ???
Dear wanderingchana:
Thank you so much for your thoughts as well. I appreciate them.
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Git Mishige,
DaasYochid, if you help someone switch their flat tire and the guy drives off without saying thank you, would it bother you?
Apples and oranges. There are many potential reasons that a thank you card didn’t come in the mail, but very few reasons someone wouldn’t verbally say “thank you” if you helped them change their flat tire. Also, the flat tire is one person doing an extended kindness, whereas thank you cards are a situation where many people are doing a kindness all at once.
It seems that in todays day and age things are taken for granted and sheer manners is lacking, starting with yourself
That comment lacked manners as well.
Being dan l’kaf zechus does not mean that if you fail to receive a thank you note, you have to pretend that the person sent it, but it got lost in the mail or abducted by aliens. It means realizing that people are human beings and make mistakes, and there could be a myriad of reasons that you don’t know about.
For example, the recipient may have a great sense of hakaras hatov, but poor organizational skills, and lost his or her list of gifts and givers. Or they accidentally checked your name off the “note sent” list. Or didn’t keep good enough track of who sent what from the get go. Or mis-attributed your gift to someone else (FYI – I once received a thank you note for a gift that I did not give, which means someone else didn’t receive a thank you note for that gift!).
Are these things mistakes and wrong for someone to do? Yes! But perhaps they are more forgivable faults than an assumption of straight-up rudeness. Should the recipient(s) keep better track of gifts and work harder to show their appreciation? Yes! But can you stand up and say that you are superhuman and have never, ever let anyone down? Being dan l’kaf zechus in this case perhaps isn’t about absolving someone of guilt, but of realizing that they are human, made a mistake, and weren’t out to get you. And that they would have sent you a card had they not been encumbered by their human faults.
Note carefully in all of this that I am not advocating for neglecting thank you notes.
Many people are unable to talk in certain situations. It is beyond their control. They simply cannot talk, so they mostly run away so they don’t get hurt.
If someone cannot take the time to write a simple thank you note, perhaps the giver does not have the time to go to the store to buy the gift or take out a pen to write a check. There are plenty of inexpensive TY notes or buy a pack of pretty paper(100 to the pack) and make your own. It does not have to cost much. That’s a poor argument (pun intended).
It really is NOT enough to say an obligatory thank you at the wedding especially when you have no idea what the gift is, until you open it. Young people have time for every naarishkeit these days. Its not too much to ask them to show that they are makir tov. If you can not show appreciation to people for doing one nice thing your you, how can you show it to HShem who is CONSTANTLY doing for you?
oomis,
There are plenty of inexpensive TY notes or buy a pack of pretty paper(100 to the pack) and make your own. It does not have to cost much.
It really is NOT enough to say an obligatory thank you at the wedding especially when you have no idea what the gift is, until you open it.
Its not too much to ask them to show that they are makir tov.
I agree 100% with these points. The question is, however, if the giver did not receive a thank you card, should s/he dan l’kaf zechus/be mochel the recipient? Or should s/he consider it pure rudeness or unappreciative?
My point was that I don’t think the most likely reason in the majority of cases is rudeness or unappreciative feelings, but rather a lack of organization or carelessness. These are also faults, but perhaps less infuriating to the giver than straight up lack of appreciation.
How late is not too late to still write a thank you card?
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