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If you are looking for a shidduch everyone always says call the shadchan. That does seem work in the more “yeshivish” crowd (aka…..learning boys). However, the more “modern” boys (aka…the ones with a college degree)don’t go to shadchanim in their 20’s. I spoke to many people who are very involved with shidduchim and they all say that the working guys in their 20’s just don’t come to them. They have many girls in their 20’s and no one to match them with. the guys only go to shadchanim in the 30’s.
If someone wants to go out with one of these guys, maybe they can ask a cousin or an older brother if they know a good working guy for them?
To happy girl
Feel free to browse our website http://www.shidduchworld.org we have many working boys on our site.
The site is free of charge however you have to be a member in order to get the full profile of other singles.
Thanks
Shidduchworld is a great site. I would reccomend you look at it. You never know what you’ll find there. They are constantly updating. Good luck!!
As a working guy in my 20’s who is not quite yeshivish or modern I can tell you that although I have gone to a shadchan before (and probably will again) I prefer not to. In my case it seemed like the shadchan was basing who he set up by his opinions of them based on a five minute meeting and with no real knowledge of them. I’m not saying he was a bad guy but I think the system is inefficient and I’d rather be set up by someone who really knows me and the girl. Just b/c I’m working and a girl is looking for a working guy doesn’t mean were perfect for each other. I think the idea behind Shidduchworld is a good one that should be expanded to include more detailed information and there needs to be a way for it to work with all willing shadchanim so there will be more singles listed.
I agree for the most part with youdontknowme. Personally, I’ve never met with a shadchun, and usually disregard the ideas I do get from them. That said, I prefer to be set up by my friends/their wives, who know the girl and myself better than a random stranger.
It makes sense that the best shidduchim are from people you know. There’s a great way to make shidduchim through shidduch meetings it gives people an opportunity to present different singles and come up with good shidduchim! The whole idea is you join a meeting of 20-40 ladies all devoted to spend time for making shidduchim. You describe a single you know and someone there is bound to know of someone or someone’s relative that could be suitable. It really works!!!!
Happy girl: I agree with you which is why I’m willing to deal with a shadchan on occasion. I just think that there needs to be a better way for a shadchan to match people up. It would be cool to have a database system (kind of like shidduch world) that had a questionnaire singles would fill out and it would automatically find potential matches for them on a continuing basis until they mark themselves as unavailable. The hard part is deciding what questions to put on it b/c everyone has different opinions of what’s important. Maybe you could have a basic section and the questions you’ll be asked next will depend on your answers, so a working boy may get one set of questions and a learning boy another.
“I dated a few guys who said they use singles events as “comedy clubs” to see all the “poor” girls out there and then they talk about it with their friends and have a good laugh.”
Wow, so not only were they total jerks but they didn’t even try to hide it, you were right to get rid of them. It is true that there are some great guys out there but honestly IMO not that many, I consider myself to be the best guy I know and I’m not that great, JK (sort of). So if you do meet one you like do yourself a favor and don’t stop going out with him over something stupid.
Ideally a shidduch database could work but I wonder how many people put themselves on it?
Ideally a shidduch database could work but I wonder how many people put themselves on it?
That’s my problem with Shidduch World, it’s a great concept and hopefully it will help people but I think it needs to be on a much larger scale. For it to be really useful it would have to become the new “normal” thing to do when looking for a shidduch. I think it could be done in a short amount of time by making the website more shadchan friendly so they will ask everyone who comes to them for a shidduch to register on the database. I think the major obstacle an idea like this faces is who gets paid when a shidduuch is made this way but it can be worked out if someone is willing to put the time in.
Maybe people should recommend shidduch world to friends or family who are looking for shidduchim. That way they could grow by word of mouth.
Shidduch World is different than SYAS because they check into every person before allowing a profile to become visible. Everyone working in Shidduch World or on it is on volunteer basis. There is no charge to post your name or register. There are no Shaddchan fees. Their only charge is if you get engaged through one of their Shaddchonim. You will be asked to pay the going Shaddchunus rate. You have nothing to lose. By the way you can’t be on their site if you are not Shomer Nigiah or Shabbos.
To all those that inquired about Shidduch World
We do have Shaddchanim that work on our data base. However, in order to become a Shaddchan for our site, Shidduch World, you must submit to us the names of at leat two or three Shidduchim you have completed. We also require references that know the Shaddchan applying, (such as a Rov) that can testify for them that they will keep everthing confidential. The shaddchan also has to commit to work a minimum amount of hours a week, even though they are just volunteers. After Shidduch World’s staff has approved the shaddchan he/she must sign a confidentiality agreement and submit a log of Shidduchim that they worked with or tried on a monthly basis. This is to ensure that the site is not being used for ones curiosity.
We are working on getting more Shaddchanim to work with our site, however many do not qulify for various reasons.
In regard to happy girls question as to what makes Shidduch World different then SYAS: No single on Shidduch Worlds site can contact another single without going through a Shaddchan ( at least before the first date or two) unlike other websites that singles can meet, chat, and or date without going through a Shaddchan. We go through each persons profile individually, at Shidduch World, in order to assure that our site is appropriate and fit to be called a “FRUM ONLY WEBSITE”.
Thanks for asking,
Shidduch Solution: It’s good that you are willing to work with Shaddchanim, that was not clear to me from looking through your website. The other suggestion I have is to add some more detailed questions so you can get a better idea of what someone is really like. As far as the difference between SYAS and Shidduch World goes, from browsing the two websites it seems that neither of them allow singles to connect without a Shaddchan. I’m sure there are other differences but they seem like fairly similar sites.
youdontknowme
The reason we don’t post about the option of becoming a Shaddchan is so that we don’t have people applying just for their curiosity. We are careful to respect our profiles confidentiality. We do have legitimate Shaddchanim working with the profiles on our site.
In regard to other websites if you look better into the questions we ask you will see that we are targeting a very frum crowd. We don’t have questions such as if you plan to cover your hair or if the boys Daven 3 times a day. All websites that help Shidduchim are great and they should all be looked at in a positive way. We all have one goal in common, to help out all those seeking to find their zivug.
Shidduch World Staff
that is such a disgusting thing to say! please keep your immaturity at bay…a shadchan fee is standard and quite mandatory! who cares if its from a web site or a person? it is still owed!
happy girl:
So long as the numbers are skewed strongly in favor of the boys why in the world should they go to shadchanim. They have plenty of names to chose from without going to shadchanim. The girls have no choice – so they do whatever the can get a date.
Even out the numbers = Even out the playing field = boys will start going to shadchanim just like the girls and solve a host of other problems at the same time.
Progress is being made B”H but their remains a long way to go.
AZ, boys ARE going to some shadchanim. The shadchanim have lists of boys – where are they getting them from? And I’ve heard that part of the entrance procedure for BMG is meeting a shadchan.
Happy Girl & AZ:
A lot of boys do not go to shadchanim because most come away with a disgusting feeling. I personally do not go to shadchanim. However, every time one of my friends goes to one they call me up and complain that it was the most demeaning encounter they ever have had. They come back feeling like they were stripped down, examined, and then thrown in to a dark place somewhere. The swear that they lost 15 minutes or half an hour of their life which they will never get back. This gets around to all the other boys and we avoid that shadchan (and this happens almost to every single one).
Perhaps if shadchanim do not turn the meeting into a butcher sale where they poke and proud the meat then maybe more boys would come to meet them.
JAW22, I’m married and didn’t deal with a “shadchan meeting” (my employer arranged my shidduch with someone he knew), but from what I’ve read and heard many young women report similar experiences with shadchan meetings. Because the young women feel this is the only way to find a shidduch, they allow themselves to be subjected to this anyways.
I guess us boys show some backbone in something. Maybe if we can get the girls to stop going to shadchanim maybe we can end this “crisis” and truly get people married.
i agree…my grandparents for example didnt have a shadchan…my grandmother was my grandfather’s secretary, and he just walked in one day holding a ring and said “what would you say if i asked you to marry me ?” and (after consulting with her mother of course…) she agreed, and they were married for 47 years…imagine if she had said “no there was no shadchan present…” what then?
The overwhelmings number of shidduchim are not made by shadchanim. They are made by friends neighbors etc. Due to the inexquity of numbers the boys by and large have many shidduch opportunities (obviously there are exceptions but by and large) and therefore have no major need to go to shsadchanim they do not know.
The girls and their their parents are pulling their hair out and they will go to anyone and everyone in the hopes that it will result in a solid suggestion + a yes from a boy and hopefully a mazal tov.
JW22: I’m not sure what circles you are in but the boys by and large are getting married and they are getting married quickly. A study of Boys HS makes this point clearly. It is not yet complete but unless something changes drastically in the few schools that have not yet been vetted it will clear for all to see. The comparison of Boys alumni dating 5-10 years and still single vs. Girls alumni dating 5=10 years and still single is staggering. Stay tuned…..
The guys who won’t go to a shadchun probably/pos forsure would not go “online” either. In my experience guys are more willing to go to a shadchun then to go “online.”
AZ: it seems like “age gap” is the answer to all the world’s problems.
Okay, so if I would have a daughter that is in high school I would make sure that she starts going out as soon as she is 17 with guys that are between the ages of 20-25. That way she’ll actually have a shot at getting married since she will have a head start.
happy girl, I don’t know the numbers, but the same thing happens to some girls too. In fact I would think it’s more likely to happen to a girl who is working out there in the non-Jewish world than her counterpart living in the yeshiva dorm.
justin2: If you meant to say
“it seems like age gap IS the BEST and MOST EFFECTIVE answer to the Jewish Orthodox worlds Shidduch problems”,
then you would be correct.
AZ:
So long as the numbers are skewed strongly in favor of the boys why in the world should they go to shadchanim. They have plenty of names to chose from without going to shadchanim. The girls have no choice – so they do whatever the can get a date.
Yes, true, whether fellow CR mates agree or not.
Happy girl:
So what happens to the guys once they get older and are not married? well, they become less frum, drink alcohol, do drugs, become lax in halacha with girls, become lax in kosher…they move out of their parents home …..
Not neccesarily, the unmarried guys, as they age, often just want a more modern lifestyle including TV and Movies and a more cool, possibly less Tzniusdik girl. Few go to the lengths you describe.
mybat:
Okay, so if I would have a daughter that is in high school I would make sure that she starts going out as soon as she is 17 with guys that are between the ages of 20-25. That way she’ll actually have a shot at getting married since she will have a head start.
No way. Maybe in Sephardic or Chassidic circles, a 17 year old is desirable, but in the Yeshivish world, a girl has to provide means of support, meaning either a rich Dad or an education. In the college world, few if any guys will go out with an not-yet educated girl.
AZOI
So I guess its a good thing that I’m sephardic. Besides in mexico the girls do begin to date at 16-17 even the Ashkenaz. If the parents see a guy they like for their daughter (kollel or working , FFB or BT .they don’t care because since the community is so small they know the family) they make the shidduch.
AZOI.IS said:
“Not neccesarily, the unmarried guys, as they age, often just want a more modern lifestyle including TV and Movies and a more cool, possibly less Tzniusdik girl. Few go to the lengths you describe.”
And the girls are not willing to go out with such a boy, it seems. The girls stick to their ideals, and because of it, can’t find a boy?
Is this a crisis or a matter of choice?
the problem with guys till the age of thirty dont take shidduchim into their own hands so they dont go to a shaddchan. girls parents are the one that set them up on dates and set up meetings by a shaddchan.
and for boys not foing on the internet so there parents can fill out there info on shidduch world for them. or a friend a sister or someone that cares for them.
Happy Girl:
Most of the working guys when they get older, tend not to want to sit around after work. We tend to go out and relax after a long day of work. If this means that we watch a movie or TV or go someplace with friends then so be it. This does not make us less frum.
It seems to me what you are describing “they become less frum, drink alcohol, do drugs, become lax in halacha with girls, become lax in kosher” are high school kids that are rebelling.
Furthermore, most men who are older and are working usually DO move out of their parents house, not because of rebelling or as such but because they want to live on their own and have their own life. Most working boys are mature, logical, and have long term goals set, not like “just married” couples at the age of 21 or younger, or boys still learning in kollel, who are still relying on their parents.
happy girl:
You call it “unfortunate”. I call it fortunate. This allows the men and women to interact with their contemporaries and meet people without having any stigma attached to them. In the UWS there is a diverse number of people. You have from “blackhatters” straight through the MO crowed. And no one judges anyone based on where they stand in regards to religion or views of the world.
Again, most do not “become less frum, drink alcohol, do drugs, become lax in halacha with girls, become lax in kosher”. This generalization of the UWS is similar to saying that all Jews cheat (which I hope is erroneous even in light of the current events of the past year).
<<<So I guess its a good thing that I’m sephardic. Besides in mexico the girls do begin to date at 16-17 even the Ashkenaz. If the parents see a guy they like for their daughter (kollel or working , FFB or BT .they don’t care because since the community is so small they know the family) they make the shidduch.<<<
and do you have a shidduch crisis there?
Ronsr
I don’t know if there is a crisis. There are some people who are not married yet for various reasons, maybe they lack looks, family, money, or a prestigious name. Sometimes they are really too picky and once they realize that and lower their expectations and are open to more options its easier for them to find someone. But I cannot say all cases are the same because it wouldn’t be fair.
happygirl, with all due respect, do you really believe what you wrote? Doesn’t that sound a bit like L”H to you, or motzi shem ra on the older singles? Not being married does not equal being less frum. And it certainly does not automatically lead to the “dire” consequences you mention. There are many VERY frum older singles who are just as frum as they were in their very early twenties. They may be disappointed, but they do not throw off the Torah because of that disappointment. SOME might, but wouldn’t you agree it is a little unfair to make a blanket statement like that about older singles in general?
“As far as getting more modern as you get older: Again, it does not and should not happen to everyone but it does happens to enough people to be an eye opener and become something to ponder about.”
Sure some singles get more modern as they get older, in my case people observing me (without really knowing me) might think I’ve gotten more modern. I watch more movies and TV than I did when I was younger and other things like that but as a whole as I’ve gotten older and more mature I would say I’ve become a better person and Jew than I used to be. I also have a lot of friends who were more modern when we were younger and became more frum as they grew up. It goes both ways.
I just want to know why there are always more girls to boys at the singles events. My realitive who went to a recent singles event told me there where about 60 boys and over a hundred girls. Also, she said there were still many girls who wanted to attend and were placed on waiting lists and still could not go.
My husband’s good friend, a single man, also told us, at the single events he goes to, there are always more girls then boys. The events are always trying to find boys to attend these events, yet they have no problem finding girls to come and even have to turn the girls away, from these events.
So, where are the boys??
…probably off somewhere wondering where the girls are??
I think i have another possible solution to help match up boys with girls…I don’t know about you, but when I was in the parsha, as an out of town girl, I was always redt to a NY boy! from boro park, flatbush, far rockway ect…and mabye sometimes even Lakewood! i don’t think I was ever redt or ever heard a suggestion of a boy who did not live in tri-state area! I remember wondering where all the out of town boys were…the ones from Chicago, Baltimore, Detroit, Miami ect…I remember even asking my friends once if any boys from those areas were ever redt to them and they agreed that every boy that was redt to them was from NY and NJ! I even asked some seminary friends who lived in Chicago and similar areas the same question, only to get the same answer! very few shidduchim from my home town were out of town-out of town shidduch…most were with NY boys.
So my question: Where are the boys from areas other than NY and NJ?? I think that many out of town shadchanim need to get together and creatively match up names…coming from an out of town area I know that some pp are reluctant to make shidduchim with pp in their town, because its “too close for comfort”. However they wouldnt’ mind making a shidduch with another out of town boy/girl.
I dont think I know one shadchan in my home town whose in touch with shadchanim in other out of town areas…everyone is sort of hooked onto NY shadchanim, sort of hogging the same pool of names.
Mayb this way, out of town girls wouldn’t constantly get the “I only want someone from NY area for my son” as an answer, maybe this way more girls will get a chance to go out with a boy with same out of town personality.
Just a suggestion…
in the old days, if there were too many girls, they’d just ship more boys in from Poland.
Mazal 77 & potsandpans:
Where are the boys???
MARRIED!!!!!!
There are simply far far more girls in the dating pool than boys…..
The Reason??
(primarily) AGE GAP
That’s why at events girls are on a waitng list and they have to beg the boys to show….
“That’s why at events girls are on a waitng list and they have to beg the boys to show…. “
They actually often give the boys FREEBIES to attend. My daughter went to several such events and found out from the guys there, that they paid NOTHING to be there (including Shabbos hotel stays).
in the event when there where too many girls they just shipped the boys from ISRAEL
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