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I’ve had a pretty rough past few years and they’ve changed me a lot. Now I find that I have a really hard time relating to my friends from before, I find their conversations immature and shallow. I’m no longer interested in the things I used to. They call and badger me and reminisce about all the good times we used to have.
But being that they didn’t change, they still want to talk about and do all the things we used to. In addition, these friends know nothing of my struggles.
What would you do in such a situation? I’ve come to dread their phone calls and visits and they turn into such a strain!
Having the same issue with my wife. Looking forward to everyone’s replies.
I have had the same situation at some point in high school. I learnt to enjoy their “shallowness” and translate it into a fun time with no deep conversations and stuff but they are not my real friends anymore…for that you have to go to other people
English- meaning in frum things or personality. I think challenges make a person stronger and tougher and lots of times more stable while your friends might not have changed like that. In the case of a wife, did you go through something together and you just grew more from it than she did or is this a personal thing that changed you but did not change her?
Englishman: That is awful!! What are you doing about it?
Don’t do anything drastic or sudden. You’ll get new friends, but don’t toss these. Slowly and naturally, those with whom you don’t relate with not frequent your house and you will attract new ones. If you know of someone that might be a good candidate, work on a relationship, slowly and persistently.
dont be so fast to throw away the old and think the grass is greener elsewhere. thats is in regard to friends ANd the wife
Unfortunately, we live in a disposable society.
Over the years, I lost close friends I never thought I would, who simply could not relate to my new found frumkite (ok, it was new found many years ago now). But I have retained a small group of those non-religious friends who are not the least bit interested in anything religious while obviously gaining many new frum friends through the years. Actually, I gained an entire community. It’s very seldom that non religious people have access to a community to be a part of.
If you want to dispose of those old friends really quickly, just proselytize to them your faith. That ought to do the trick. (If there was a winking emoticon, I’d use it here)
I agree with adorable. I also had a hard time listening to my friends’ shallow discussions while making life decisions or going through a “growth experience”. But with time, I came to appreciate my time “off” from thinking so deep (it is draining after all..) and enjoy being shallow for a while:)
Good Luck!
Englishman,
I (purposely) read that as you asking for your wife and her friends. If you meant as the others here understood, that you’re having that issue between you and your wife, I consider that an emergency. You should speak to a smart person who knows you personally. A wife doesn’t have to be your Chavrusa or fellow philosopher, basket ball player, hiker, or classmate. You can learn to (re)appreciate the difference of perspective. Something like this may change on its own, but why risk it?
In a friend you are looking for someone that you can do certain things together. But nobody is actually a shallow person, although their choice topics might not be your choice.
I have been in the same situation- so I basically have 2 groups of close friends “The unfortunate”- shallow/fluffy/ not too much depth in li
fe exeince kind of friends…and then there are my REALLY close
riends who are deep, more intellectual, etc…I would never ever “toss” the friends that I “outgrew” or are not necc on MY level- Friends are VERy important; and learning how to continue that friendship is a challenge @ times; but at the end of the day- SO WORTH IT!!
If you dont like talking to them on the phone; make subtle hints- like you dont havta PICK UP.
And visits: you can tell them your busy…etc..
But its never a smart option to walk out on people you’re not on “the same page” with…those that do pretty much ALWAYS come to regret it..
Good Luck Y’all!!
Legendary
So as you got older and wiser you probably learned not to judge others. The things that make them happy are the things that make them happy. If you don’t need those things or have moved on from there kola hakovod to you. Maybe you should give them the opportunity to catch up to where you are. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with everything they do, but that also doesn’t mean that you have to drop them as friends. If you CHOOSE not to do the things they do by saying, “Sorry I just don’t find that fun anymore” or ” I would rather not waste my time doing that” they will eventually stop calling on you for those dates. They will either call you for other activities that you do enjoy or just call you less and less until you part as friends.
You must be popular. All my old friends and I have found other things in life to interest all of us. So I rarely hear from the older relationships often. But truly if you are an orthodox Jew, your interests are going to change vastly in your life especially if you are a BT. That said, of course you should keep your relationships, but if the other party can not communicate with you any further at an intellectual or personal level, it would not make sense to contact that person often unless there is news to share.
Many people find as they mature and grow a little older that the peole they thought of as friends for life, really are not. it’s part of growing up. The few that really stick with you are keepers. But the rest you can see once or twice a year, and enjoy their company (UNLESS they are really obnoxious to you now) on a very limited basis. Go out for a two hour dinner, and finished. Save your quality time for people with whom you have more in common now. I don’t drop people, but there is a natural growth away from some.
Never burn your bridges.
Try to find some neutral conversation (the weathers always good, no?) work, clothing, or a hobby that you both enjoy. (am I correct to think you’re a ms not a mr…?) Take the road in between closest friends and no contact at all.
Good luck!
Unless your friends are a bad influence, I think you should keep them. Real friends are hard to come by. They might not share your depth, but I’m sure they still care about you and want whats best for you. There’s nothing wrong with having “fun friends,” especially if you have other close friends that you can relate to more on a deeper level and confide in.
Much hatzlacha!
Englishman,
If you are feeling that your wife is now immature and shallow I would suggest you think about the following points.
1. Do you bring up topics that she can see as a criticism of her? If so I would assume she just turns off rather than have a deep discussion in which she feels criticized. (Even if you do not mean it in that way)
2. Perhaps she needs to talk about her day which includes many “shallow” things like diapers and laundry etc. If that is the case try really listening to her before you have “deep” talk with her.
3. Perhaps at the end of the day she is just too tired to talk about those deep issues that you used to talk about when you were dating.
If the above does not help you remember that a spouse is not perfect and cannot fill all our needs. Most people need other people beside their spouse to fill ALL their needs. So if you have Shalom Bayis and nothing major is wrong, find your intellectual needs elsewhere.
Good luck!
Englishman- whats going on with you?
We saw a shrink and everything is now in order.
I just want to mention that challenges are what brings you maturity many times. I also have a hard time relating to other girls my age. I feel like they don’t know what life really is. They don’t know what pain is or what crisis is. I try to remind myself that they’re the ones who will have the harder time when life brings its difficulties to them because they don’t have the experiences.
Regarding your new friendships, do they just develop deeper and stronger as you spend time together?
It’s always funny when posters revive 3-year-old threads as if the discussion just started. 🙂
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