When asked Shiduch info: Do I have to tell the girls side that my friend smokes?

No. Because that is something the girl can ask the boy herself if she cares and one isn’t supposed to say something that the person themselves won’t deny or tell, for example if u know a boy is on some sort of medication but will tell the girl about it at the right time (most rabbanim say 3rd date that’s between getting to know the person and liking the person) then one isn’t supposed to say because that may stop them from going out and in reality the girl may be ok with it once she has the full picture.

It’s not even a question. Are you another troll?

i’m not exactly your local orthodox rabbi but here’s my personal opinion… not always will a girl find smoking to be so terrible and if it’s on her list of NoNos she should make a point to ask directly… if it’s something that she thinks will make it or break it, she’d probably make it her business to find out so i don’t think you need to mention it under “anything else”

“Are you obligated to mention that a boy smokes, when you know that it would probably be a factor on the girls side”

That’s like saying,”Are you obligated to mention that a boy is not always shomer shabbos and he eats a little pork on the side”

According to many rabbionim now days smoking is a major issur may even be a issur desorsah to start. Quiting once you started is another issue I went to whole shiur on problem of smoking today.

Many boys I know do not smoke and the ones that do a lot of them try very hard to hide from there wives or tell their wives they are going to quit. I personally believe smoking in a way is issur desorsah because you cannot purposely cause yourself harm.

In my opinion you should not tell the girl that he smokes but he should be willing to admit it if she does ask. Because I know many guys would deny it. It beginning trust matters a lot.

“girls know that most boys smoke”

What??? I’ve been in Yeshiva for almost ten years and I assure you, most boys do NOT smoke. There are those that do, yes, but it’s a minority, not a majority.

It is NOT something a girl can find out on her own, if a guy deliberately wants to hide it until after an engagement or marriage. It is not like a pronounced limp or a lisp that she will figure out rather quickly.

I don’t see any reason why it would be assur to tell a girl if you knew for certain that a guy smoked. The guy doesn’t feel there is anything wrong with it if he smokes publicly.

OneOfMany: I dont think that smoking is coparable to chillul shabbos or eating treif but i believe cherrybim may have meant that smoking kills and therefore oiver ‘v’nishmartem m’od’. I am one of those girls, in fact part of the majority of girls, that did not/does not want a boy that smokes. I wouldnt even consider a boy that smokes and would feel very bad about hurting a boy’s feelings that i went out with, without knowing he smokes.

So to the OP, yes, i believe that because so many girls feel its terrible to smoke and dont want themselves or their children to live with the dangers of second hand smoke, it is imiportant to mention. Especially nowadays when covering the scent and hiding all hints of cigarettes are much simpler, girls should be told about it so that heartbreak can be avoided.

Hi Davidz.

Check it out with a prominent rabbi.

I would strongly hope you would be permitted.

Smoking is a serious health hazard for all those around a smoker.

In any case, she should know. If she is ok with it, then fine. Secondly, if he plans on hiding it, then he is starting off with the shoe on the wrong hand, and that is not fair to her.

He may end up quitting smoking, too. Who knows?

In any case, the smoking issue out in the open is the right thing for all reasons. I cannot think of a good reason to keep this secretive. It is an important variable in the dating world. But, again, run it by your rabbi.

To rule out someone who smokes, would be shallow. To assist in this crime, would be accomplice. Therefore, you should definitely lie to conceal it, as much as you can- as long as you won’t get caught.

If they say they saw him smoking, you say it was just a chosson cigarette. After all, if fat girls can eat food at a wedding, why can’t guys smoke at a wedding. And if fat girls can lie about their ages, then why can’t we allow smoking- which is not even part of who they are.

It is very sad that girls today judge others only by the outside, and not by what is within. Within their heart (not lungs).

This is what they should teach in seminary, instead of all that navi that my illustrated brother popa_bar_abba knows better than them anyway.

Who would not want to know if the person they are considering for marriage is a smoker or not? Some won’t rule them out. Some will, and that is their right.

You don’t have the right to be so shallow at other people’s expense, and expect me to play along. If you say you will only marry a girl who wears size 8 shoes, do you have that right? Do I have to play along with your stupidities?

Besides, this is not about rights. You have the right to not get married altogether. This is about what is the correct. And what is good good for klal yisroel. And what Hashem wants.

Maybe if you would think about what Hashem wants, once in a while, just for kicks, you might realize this.

It is not a matter of judging. Smoking is a tangible annoyance to many people and for that reason has been outlawed in public places. So what is so difficult to imagine someone does not want that in their living room for the rest of their lives? Or around their children?

It sounds to me like you are judging. Lots of things are illegal. Shechita is illegal in many countries, and bris milah was almost illegal in California.

This is what chanuka is all about. You get your morality from the yevanim, apparently. A hellenist incarnate.

I hope you’ll excuse me if I take my cues from the maccabis.

I dont want to hear the ‘relaxing’ argument either, as only those who think smoking is ok would accept such a lame justification.

The fact is, that most people who have tried smoking, and understand how relaxing it is, do agree with this justification. Maybe you should walk in their shoes, before you start ripping their shoes to pieces.

The bottom line is, that you haven’t even addressed my main point. The important thing in a shidduch is who the person is inside- not that your living room will smell a bit, and you will need to buy air fresheners.

There are many things which can bother someone a little bit about a spouse, but I would that yisroel kedoshim would see past a few extra pounds, or a little bit of smoke, or being a couple months older, and see the person inside.

So what is so difficult to imagine someone does not want that in their living room for the rest of their lives?

Your living room will not raise your children. Your husband will. Your living room will not learn with your children, and take them to shul. Your husband will.

Maybe you should be willing to trade your stupid clean living room for a good yiddishe lichtige freileche mishpacha.

for those who say that most bochurim dont smoke. yes, if your looking at chofetz chaim in yihupitz then fine. but most bochurim on the yeshivish spectrum will take a cigarette now and then and at least a third smoke rather heavily. for it to be a concern for shidduchim- fine, you can also decide youd rather not marry someone with a limp, but to rule it out entirely is jst dumb. blame the girls for their own shidduch crisis.

The majority of bachurim do not smoke. But it’s a ????? ????? – a significant minority.

yityningwut- Well as far as i am concerned nobody ever told me he has a chavrusa. I guess if you know him better than i do you can tell me he does.

alright- we are you putting down this money? when and where can i come pick it up?

So “ocassional smoking” is ok (ask any cardiologist or oncologist for their opinion)? What about ocassional unfiltered internet use? Ocassional ditching seder for a morning of sleeping in? Please explain why it might be different than ocassional smoking?

Sure she can, she can also ask him all the silly superficial questions peope ask the shadchan and references too. There is a reason people ask or expect to be told certain basic info, so as not to waste anyones time. I think this falls into that category.

More people should smoke -it’s good for business! 😉

If the boy is trying to hide it then don’t bother telling the girl he is a smoker, he has a bigger problem you must tell her, he is a liar.

it is a prerequisite in todays shidduch market to be a liar. there is a crisis going on, people. you must lie about anything and everything that will convince a boy to go out with you. lie about age. lie about weight. lie about dress size. lie about middos and all important things too. I fthe boy is a liar then he is going to fit right in. The perfect candidate.

On a side note, coincidentally, earlier today I was sitting and pondering how cool it would be to smoke. My friends are right. It really is cool.

This is a halacha question, not an opinion question.

When is it “loshon hora” to tell?

When is it “lo sa’amod al dam reyacha” not to tell?

Is there a “right time” and “wrong time” (before they first meet, or after x number of dates) to tell?

Are there other factors to include in the “tell” decision (i.e. he promises to quit, she has asthma, etc.)?

“davidz”s approach – ask a shaila – is the correct one.

Bar Shattya- You and pba are waaayyy to obsessed with skinny girls. I think it would be pretty funny if you marry a skinny girl and she gets fat after her first baby