What�you looking for?

I’m a boy in the parsha right now and I felt the urge to comment after reading this thread. Firstly, if you’re a parent that has a child in shidduchim,, please get on the same page with them. Remember that they are the ones dating and it’s their future at stake. You may want something different, that’s for you and your child to work out before dating. I have dated girls who are looking for something completely different than what their parents are setting them up with.

Secondly, for those people who put down middos and everything is secondary, I don’t believe you. Middos may be a extremely important characteristic, but intellect, looks, family, level of religiousness, play an extremely large role. I know plenty of people in shidduchim (both boys and girls) and anyone who has said they only cared about middos suddenly started caring about other things when I tried setting them up.

Thirdly, take a look in the mirror and judge yourself first. Consider it like the job interview question, name 2 strengths and 2 weaknesses. Everyone has things they can work on, and this way you know what your date might like and not like about you.

P.S. if you leave in NY I’m finding it hard to believe that you can’t daven shachris and maariv with a minyan. I hope there is a good reason for you to consistently miss minyan. I work a extremely demanding job in the city and found time to go to a nightly daf yomi shiur. I may not make it every single day but more likely than not I’m there.

vacation,

I’ll respond to you ‘al rishon rishon’:

-Totally agree!

-When someone says their looking for midos first and looks is secondary, it can be 100% true. But if some great guy/gal with great middos is difficult to look at, yes it may play a large factor in a negative response! Doesnt mean that looks are everything..

-good point!

-true true true! When i was in a bank in the city, there was a muslim passing by, he looked at his watch and put down his prayer rug and knelt down to pray. If they can do it 6x’s a day, halevai we can do it 3x’s a day!

I am looking for someone who is a girl, Jewish and living according to halacha, and I am looking for chemistry.

Truthfully I know there are a number of factors that may or may not enable this ‘chemistry’ to be there; she will probably have to be sensitive, intelligent, and pretty. But I don’t have a list with which I scrutinize each girl and when I check off the entire list say, “Hey, lets get married.” And sometimes it can just ‘click’ with a girl even though she didn’t appear to have those qualities. So basically, if I think I like her I’ll go out with her and see how it goes, kinda regardless of what her ‘qualifications’ are, and if not, not.

Only thing is I need someone who will be interested in a guy like me. That seems kind of hard to come by, because I think the ‘me’ on paper does not accurately represent the ‘me’ in real life. Not that on paper I have serious issues, but that it ostensibly portrays me as something I’m not.

Look, I don’t doubt there are people who are always there for every minyan.

Firstly, they obviously have access to a mincha at work or school.

Secondly, their day is probably not very long.

My day is 6:45 to usually 8:00. I daven shachris at shul, and there is sometimes a mincha in my building. I am not going back out for maariv at 10. I am going to sleep.

My situation is, I believe, more typical. Take a poll, ask guys who are working at real jobs (not 9-5). I just don’t buy it.

Sounds a lot like my father’s day except that he does go back out for maariv.

“there are halachos as per when and how far one must go to daven with a minyan.”

While I live in BP (where minyan in never a problem), when I choose a vacation destination, minyan is part of the plans. Even if halacha would allow otherwise.

Even when I travel for business, minyan is part of the plan. Of course, things happen, but when it does, its an accident, not willfull. Kinda like skipping a meal. Not something I set out to do from the get-go.

If its a priority, you can make it work.

I always say I’m sooo glad I’m not a guy. Uch imagine having to go out 3 times a day in the freezing cold!!!!! So PBA I can understand why its hard to do it.

But in my house…my father can go to sleep at 1 and wake up at 6 to learn and daven. He instilled in us a chasivus for davening, never to be late (if he wants to catch a minyan at 5:30 he’s outta the house by 5), not to rush into davening, not to talk during davening…

So PBA if right now you don’t have kids to be a role model for, first of all you might not know who else is looking up to you and 2 – you don’t automatically change once you’re married. So if you do want davening to be a big thing for your kids then try and start now.

Good luck!!!

sac, i feel the same exact way my fam and i are the same way! and B”H i don’t have low self esteem but i need and like to really feel loved and cared for in a sweet way

putting liquor last is a good sign

Back to the topic: You can put on your list qualities that you don’t have, but only as something you would like to see in a spouse. You can’t demand a spouse to have those qualities that you yourself are lacking!

hey guys, 1day here, have not had a chance to post for the last few days

To answer Gefens question

A girl who is family oriented is very important to me, as I would like to build a happy, healthy and cohesive family

What I meant was, that, if the family isn’t perfect it doesn’t really matter so much to me: e.g. Divorced, has an ill child, has a teen off the derech, has older singles, has no yichus, parents are baal tshuva, and the likes

As long as I like her and we enjoy each others company, and share the same goals….. MAZEL TOV

I’m a big fan of Malcolm Gladwells Blink

I believe it ery much applies to me, I can make a “list” till the cows turn blue, it won’t matter, it’s all up to THE ONE

and oomis i’m old enough to be your daughters older brother

shmooze

1day

“I can make a “list” till the cows turn blue, it won’t matter, it’s all up to THE ONE”

nicely said 1day….. sounds like you have the right idea….

i am the same way i don’t care about their family as long as they are nice normal sweet people and that he will be a good father and husband to our family!

I want a rich boy

I want a good-looking boy

I want a fun boy

I want a smart boy

I want a tall boy

I want a cool boy

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [put a big X over all that]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I WANT A NICE BOY

I’m getting so nervous! Is anyone going to want to marry me?

I know that I will make a really good mother (everyone tells me that), not trying to brag here or a/t, but I’m really good with kids- b”H. I just have my mental health issues but they’re b”H so much better, I’m now symptom free for a good couple of months but who’s still going to want to marry someone who went through what I did?!?!

happiest: It’s absolutely not in our hands. You will IY”H find your bashert soon. Besides, there are so many ppl out there who were perfectly “normal” and married monsters. It doesn’t matter. THEY weren’t protected cuz they didn’t go through what you did. I also think that one who suffered such a major ordeal is more ripe and mature. I certainly think you’ll make a gr8 mother (although I only know you through your posts).

eclipse: I’m sooo sorry about your fate. I was always terrified of marriage, but, I came to realize that there are only TWO things I can do: 1- Daven 2- work on MY middos, so if he’s the special boy I’m so sure I’ll marry, I should at least deserve him;) And if Chas Vesholom he’s not, there should at least be ONE settled parent… I hope that you, too will find your bashert REAL soon.

Oh no! There are shadchanim in the coffee room too? My fellow singles…time to watch ourselves!

@happiest…we all have skeletons in our closet, let me not reveal mine but believe me, we all got baggage. may be different sizes, different colors different weights but we all got it…nobody breezes thru life, dont ever be fooled. Emunah kicks in when logic checks out as rabbi brody always says…and as other posters mentioned, theres nothing hashem cant do…just ask. i know its easier said then done, ive bh worked on my relationship with hashem and although i have many miles to go, its def a good feeling to be close to hashem :))

“Emunah kicks in when logic checks out”

cshapiro- that is the BEST saying i’ve heard in a very long time and i am going to take it with me throughout my life. thank you so much for posting it! can i be so bold as to ask what you did to get closer to Hashem as you mentioned…. it’s something i am trying to work on also….

Shucks. Caught. Didn’t make it to the door.

Observanteen: I am no shadchan I was just saying that one should be brought here. Based on my observations I think something can be done. I am also single.

Try number 2. Run!!!

😀 Zuberman! 😀

Kapusta: In case I am one of the people you were referring to here, I didn’t say I thought middos, family, etc weren’t important (they are most definitely important. Family can effect a persons make up), I was just saying I am not looking for the tippy top.

😀 Zuberman! 😀

i know this is so wierd coming from me, but is nerdiness sucha big deal???? im so bad, im trying to ignore it but idk it may really bother me, how do i know if its something huge or not??

yupp, there is a shadchan in the CR.

and it does sound like there are ,good for each others, here

How do we get things rolling…like some mazel tovs?

Yes Midos is most important, but hashkafos and frumkeit level do have to be considered as well

btw, happiest, what do you call a mental issue? maybe others don’t think it’s a big deal?

wow! cool! good luck! are you chasidish?

Yes (I am a bostoner chossid) but that has nothing to do with it. Our/my way shidduchim are dealt with, are a case to case basis, in other words, no set age is given, it is when the person is mature enough/ready etc. Yes at 19 I (and others) feel I have matured enough to be going out.

Thank you 🙂

Don’t chassideshe (read poilish/hungarian chassidim) people start at 17/18 though?

😀 Zuberman! 😀