What would you answer?

#Tough stuff!

You could do nothing different so why are you questioning yourself. Nothing else you could hav done would be better. You did just fine.

It isnt complicated at all, you don’e feel comfortable supporting a religous organization you are not apart of so you will donate in his memory to say american red cross or to the poor or something.

(as an aside, saying “it’s nothing personal” makes it sound personal)

I don’t think you caused a chillul Hashem with your explanation.

I’m confused about how the situation came about. If there was a card and envelope on someone’s desk, why couldn’t you just sign the card with your sympathies and put nothing into the envelope? If the envelope was stuffed with a mixture of cash and checks, how could the administrative assistant keep track of who donated or not?

Personally, I feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone going around collecting donations at the office, especially if it’s a manager or someone close to a manager. I think that it was downright inappropriate for the administrative assistant to ask you why you refused to donate. The problem wasn’t with your response, but the fact that you were asked the question.

it might be a good idea to find out exactly what the money will be used for. if it will be to help the needy hindus or something like that, it would probably be ok to give money. the fact that it’s run by ovdei avoda zara doesn’t necessarily mean it’s assur to give to them.

Also you might consider giving to a charity of your choice in his name and he should know about it. that would be a Kiddush Hashem.

You could donate to a secular charity in his honor.

I would say you absolutely did the right thing.

Though Hinduism is very complex and it’s not so Pashut that it’s actually Avodah Zarah. But L’ma’aseh it’s very likely that it is.

ZDAD,

You seem pretty insistent that DaMoshe should have made a contribution to Avoda Zara. Perhaps you can tell us which Rav YOU have spen to regarding this and in fact all the other “heterim” you are espousing in your comments.

I know that in my office there is a women who does not go to the office parties because of her religious beliefs and no one gives her grief or thinks any less of her because of that. And I am sure she did not ask a Rav.

I agree with rc and think you should still do it.

I would donate to ANOTHER (secular) cause, like the American Cancer Society, and send a nice sympathy note to the person whose father died. I do not think it is appropriate, mipnei darchei sholom or not, to donate money (to any organzation) that will potentially be used by ovdei A”Z. We cannot unknowingly contribute to someone’s A”Z, which is one of the 7 Mitzvos of Bnei Noach, so they as well as we, are chayav in it.

If it were anything OTHER than A”Z, it would be a lesser issued, but A”Z is a special catergory, in that even THINKING about committing it is a terrible aveira. I think this is an area in which we need to be really careful.

I would have said, “I am so sorry for (so and so’s) loss. I absolutely want to show respect for him by contributing to charity in memory of the departed. However, fopr personal reasons I cannot contribute to this particular organization, but would be very happy to contribute to another one in his name. Perhaps you know of another one that would be meaningful to So and So.”

zahavasdad,

Its demeaning because you didnt like my answer.

Ummm no. I thought your response to ask a shaila because the situation might not be as clear cut as the OP thought in the moment was a good one, and I actually agree with it. There may be some wiggle room in a case where gift giving is a part of the office culture, there may not be depending on where the money is going. We don’t know. What was demeaning about your response was your assumption that the OP and respondents “do not understand that … everyone is equal.”

Like you, I have spent my entire adult life in majority non-Jewish office settings. Just because I may disagree with you does not mean that I lord myself over others, am ignorant of how to be a team player in an office, or anything else like that.

The OP was confronted with an inappropriate question where he felt compelled to give an immediate response without being able to ask a shaila first. Your suggestion to put off the question and then ask a shaila was a good one, but I think such a response doesn’t eliminate the potential to irritate the administrative assistant, who just wants to ship off the card and donation and be done with it.

I also think that the OP erring on the side of caution where there was a potential A”Z issue was also a good spot decision. All of the discussion here is done in hindsight.

A n-jewish -worker dies and the whole office goes to the Funeral

In this case, there is time to ask a shaila. The answer may be no!

A co-worker has a Toeivah Marriage and the entire office buys them a gift and you are expected to give.

A parallel question to the OP’s case, and this one might be less fraught with issues.

A co-worker has a mixed marriage and the entire office buys them a gift

Ditto…

Business Relationships with members of the opposite gender (Issues of Yichud, Travel, Shaking hands)

Business lunches and Dinners

These are more general office issues, and shailos can be asked beforehand – these situations are less likely to be put someone “on the spot” like the OP was.

You have to figure out how to navigate these roadblocks without making yourself look selfish and have to be a team player.

And I think the OP did a good job of this! Why don’t you?

Being a Team player is very important in an office

And being a Jew is more important.

Also, being a team player in the office is a lot more about how you conduct yourself on a daily basis at work than it is about cards, flowers, handshakes, holiday parties, and the like. Help others, get your project contributions done on time, show respect for others in meetings, be nice to your co-workers, and you’ll be a team player even if you don’t go out to dinner with the co-workers after hours or participate in the office “secret santa.”

I think a Rav might be able to figure out a way out like maybe for example the charity is to feed the poor rather than fund the local Hindu Temple.

Maybe, but boundaries do exist in Judaism, and there are cases where you might have to handle a “no” in an office situation gracefully.

I have been in the Goyish business world for many, many years. I have gone to goyish funerals and stood outside the door. (it showed my respect AND my religious beliefs)

I have gone to Goyish weddings, gone in, (so long as it was not in a church) said Congratulations, left my gift on the gift table and left.

There are ALWAYS two ways to handle these problems that pop up all the time.

1. NEVER, no matter what the situation, go in on an office gift. ALWAYS send your own gift, donation, etc. This way you have set a precedent and no one will ever be offended.

2. Sorry, I have a conflict is a much better answer than I can’t, I won’t, my religion won’t let me, etc. MAKE sure you DO have a conflict – even if it is to go out to dinner with your spouse so you are not lying.

Office politics is a very tricky situation and you want to avoid being the office PROBLEM, otherwise, it will impact your work, your workers co-operation and promotions.