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I do think these questions will give insight into the family dynamics as was pointed out. Do you think though that it is realistic to get accurate answers?
Ames maybe start to get to know them, let ur husband maybe get close with them, invite them for shabbat, have rabbis classes some nights for single guys, they’ll come!!!!
I know someone personally who a shidduch was redt and the mother of the boy wanted to know if the girls parents use china or plastic. The girls parents answered that they use plastic and treat it like china !!! LOL some people out there are so crazy.
A friend of mine was called up for info about a boy & the mother asked him
very weird questions, one of them was the following…
“If he were an animal, what type of animal would he be?”
My friend was very freaked out & warned the guy about this crazy potential Shiviger!
Yes, I heard the same thing. Another question being, what fruit would you compare the person in quesion to.
And then they wonder why there remains a shidduch crisis…
(AZ dont look.)
Working –
I LOVE that answer. BTW, we eat on plastic. That said, I would show the kallah the respect of serving her first meal at our house on china, ect. But to say that we are going full time? When we move to Southhampton. or Beford Ave. But living in 11219? Sorry, we’re too real to be busy with appreances. BP is not just an address, its a mind set (I’m a galitzianer, so maybe that explains it).
With regards to hiking and eating, IMHO, both are indicative of a good all around sense of happiess, and self esteem. Not to say camping for 2 weeks, or eating for 5, but a healthy appetitie shows she grew up in a supportive home.
More importantly. how is her potato kugel? That, more than anything else, shows how she was raised.
If the question pertains to Shabbos, there may be legitimacy to it. Using china on Shabbos, is a kovod for Shabbos Kodesh. (Not to discount there may be reasons someone is not using china on Shabbos.)
The CR shidduch mindset is so ingrained in my head that when I saw this guy watering his lawn in his hat and jacket, my first thought was:
“He must have a son or daughter on the market”
Then I cracked up… (I doubt that’s why he was in his hat and jacket)
You misunderstand. Paper or plastic is really a euphamism for “do you do business in cash or do you take credit cards and declare it”?
jphone- is that your own chidush? It’s a good one! But I never heard that version before
Not sure which remark is better.. Working’s or Jphone’s
Someone asked this to a friend of mine-
“If he marries my daughter and they have a baby and the baby wakes up in middle of the night, will he get up and feed the baby or will he make my daughter get up and feed the baby?”
He answered-
“Come to think of it, in all the years he was my roommate it never came up!”
To Joseph: I think the correct question, if asking such a question is correct, is dishes or disposables? My china’s long since needed to be replaced and when I do it will probably be stoneware or a beautiful Corelle as my tastes have changed, and I see how quickly inexpensive (even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t spend too much) china chips and breaks.
The conversation went like this:
* Mother of girl: How would he act if he was running late to the airport?
* Bochur’s friend: The truth? He’s extremely organized and punctual- I don’t think he was ever in such a situation.
* Mother of girl: but IF he was running late, how WOULD he act?
This story from AZLZ, reminded me that the father of a girl once called a friend of a friend as a reference for the first friend’s son. He asked the friend about the boy, and she gave a deservedly glowing report in all areas, learning, middos, education, seichel, chessed, etc. So what did the father ask (and Sir, if you are reading this, please learn from your actions): “Yes, I hear all of what you are saying – but if you had to find SOMETHING wrong with him, what would it be???” The friend was astonished and reiterated that the boy was mamesh a metziah ( and he really is). But this did not satisfy the father. He was most insistent that she reveal something negative. Of course she did not, as she had nothing negative to say to begin with and the shidduch did not go forward from the boy’s side.
When your dating you want to get to meet the person not someone putting on an act I went out with a guy who went out of his way to impress me he rented a fancy car, spent tons of money at a fancy restaurant and kept talking about how much he earns and I wasn’t impressed at all! I actually thought why does he feel the need to show off?
There is a great purim shpiel called “CSI: Shidduchim”. The conversation between the private investigator and shul Rav is priceless.
“So tell me Rabbi, how long do you know the Goldfeins (made uo name)”
Rabbi: “32 years, and the girl nechama I know since shes born”.
PI: “Excellent, so Rabbi, do you remember her Bilirubin score”, was she at the top of her nursery”?
Another exchange.
“Does the father set aside time to learn”?
“Yes, he attends a daf yomi shiur in the morning and a halacha shiur in the evening”
“Excellent, do you know the name of the maggid shiur?”
“No, but if you call the Bureau of Prisons, they can get you the contact info of the chaplain. Let me add, this is a fine facility, glatt kosher, chassidishe shechita exclusively”.
areivim: how WOULD he act? I would’ve asked how would you act?
ppl should know, take this from a guy, when you ask ridiculous questions,
you.. are the one who’s gonna get a NO!
I inform my friends as well as they do me, about weirdo questions from
probably weirdo ppl.
So Mothers,(or fathers) If your feeling creative…Don’t!
I would ask. If there was only one portion of cholent left at the kiddush, would he take for himself or give it to his shver? If he gives it to his shver does he serve it on plastic or china? Would he leave him on a street corner out in the rain before he finished the bowl of cholent or would he have the courtesy to wait until he was fnished before putting him out in the rain?
Bottom line – is the boy a mesnch, is the girl a baalas chessed, do they care enough about other people that they can learn to care about each other? Are they mature, or are they simply being told it’s the “right” time to get married? Do they understand that there is no money tree growing in their respective parents’ backyards, and at some point they will need to make their own way in the world, and when that day comes, can the boy earn the living, especially if the wife suddenly cannot (difficult pregnancy, issues with babysitting, etc.)? Are the girls realistic about what marriage entails, or are they living in a dream world spun by their various seminaries? Are they both hashkafically on the same page or enar each other? OK, redd the shidduch!
areivim: 😀 guy geb tzi farshtein!
oomis1105: you brought out very good points!
bein hasdorim
you are a billion percent correct! However coming from the girls side I’m not accusing anyone I just would like to know from a boy’s perspective how you would feel about a few things that bother me:
1.What is up with boy’s mother’s asking what size the girl is- who cares you can have a skinny girl that wears a big size and a fat girl that wears a small size, as long as the person appears to be neat,slim and put together-maybe we should start asking what size pants is the boy!
2.Why do boy’s have to see girl’s pictures, it is kosher for boy’s mothers and boys themselves-to see the picture but why isn’t it kosher for a girl’s mother or a girl to ask to see the boy’s picture?
Size and pictures are wrong, period.
1. People tend to lie about how big a guy/girl is, so asking for a size is just a way to get closer to truth (by just adding a size or 2). And by all means, if a girl is really interested or cares in how big a guy is, she should be able ask what size pants a guy wears and get a truthful answer.
2. A girl should also be able to see a pic before hand too, especially if one of the parties will be travelling.
Someone who looks for size and pictures when seeking a shidduch, will end up marrying a beautiful monster.
Size and pictures are wrong, period. “
Wow, we agreed twice this month! I do agree that pictures are relevant and proper if either party will have to travel a great distance and at great expense for the shidduch.
I think it’s disgusting that the mother of the boy and the boy has to see a picture of the girl. I never heard of girls seeing pictures of boys!! I refuse (to my mothers sorrow) to go to a shadchan that requires a picture from me.
If someone asks for “your picture” send them a picture you took of a beautiful sunset and say “I am as pretty as this sunset” etc. Or you can get more creative and draw something nice with crayons.
u go postsemgrl
good 4 u!!!
postsemgirl, if your mother is smart, she’s providing pictures behind your back.
Mayan_Dvash, the Shachan will red you a nameless drawing, in return.
It’s like all the other things in life, we hate it, but we do it. Until Rabbonim pasken that Shadchanim are not allowed to ask for pictures, those who hold back on offering pictures will lose.
The girl has to look attractive to the boy. Better find out that she’s not, before the date.
azolis: “if your mother is smart, she’s providing pictures behind your back.” My mother is very smart and therfore she values her daughter’s opinion and feelings. My mother does not see it to be necessary to go behind her 20 year old daughter’s back. I have an open relationship with my mother which does not include her going behind my back.
“those who hold back on offering pictures will lose” none of my sisters gave in pictures and Baruch Hashem they are happily married with children so……….. I think the right one will come along in the right time even if I don’t give in my picture. Don’t think that I have anything to hide becaue I don’t Baruch Hashem. I just don’t think it is right.
abx: How about the boy? Do you think the girl has a right to know about the boy if he is attractive? You never thought of that right? Or is it that the girls have no rights and the boys are allowed to push them around like a number on a list? There are a lot of unattractive boys out there. Is it that all boys are interested in is looks and how pretty she is and how skinny she is? It’s sick. WHAT HAPPENED TO MIDDOS? Sorry about the caps but this just really bothers me.
abx: “The girl has to look attractive to the boy. Better find out that she’s not, before the date.”
A picture NEVER serves justice. In real life you see the person in movement, action and their personality. Many people are not photo-genic! PERIOD! Many people can look great in a picture but in real life their not. If a boy would look into a girl, and everything seems good, and then looks at a picture of the girl and says no, I think that’s unfair and he is not giving the girl a chance or himself a chance. A first glance on a picture, or even at a real person, one may be repulsed, but given with time one may be able to see the inner beauty of the person, and a picture can NEVER show that!
Photoshop can do amazing things 🙂
BasYisroel2:
I was goin through an old post & saw ur post, I apologize for never getting back 2u.
To answer ur questions,
1) I find most of the time it’s the mother herself who takes a personal interest in the girls size.
read in bet. the lines. (my buddies dont care about sizes) if they’re slim they usually want a slimish girl.
Guys dont even comprehend womens sizes anyhow!
2) The picture thing, should go both ways, especially the way I figure it, is
when a guy is good looking the mother would request a pic to see if the girl, is too.
I don’t know why a guy who isn’t handsome would request a pic from a girl unless
he wants to be fair & make sure she’s as unhandsome as he is.
I don’t think it’s proper, or intelligent to judge by a pic,
for instance * I am very handsome, just not very photogenic.
Also, the camera adds at least ten pounds!
Did I mention I’m very humble.
Seriously though, if anyone party receives a request for a pic they have a right
to demand a pic from the other party as well & should not forward their pic in advance.
* the star represents humor.
I have a friend who called the shadchan and described her daughter: learning-disabled, slightly overweight, a bit different. The shadchan thanked her. She said this is one girl who she will remember. She is the only one on the list who isn’t gorgeous and at the top of her class.
Not exactly on the topic, but having to do with shidduchim:
I used to work with a young lady who said she would never marry a BT.
I replied, “It’s a good thing your father didn’t feel that way.”
BTW, she is happily married. To an FFB.
Should a couple that is thinking of divorce wait until their children are married?
In general, a divorce will probably hurt the children’s chances for a shidduch. However, depending on the state of the marriage at that point, staying together could do irreparable harm to the children’s mental health.
So I’d say it depends on how well the couple can get along.
“Should a couple that is thinking of divorce wait until their children are married? “
I think that if the couple are mature adults and their kids are in the parsha, they should wait. But if the kids are small, it probably does them more harm to stay together. Generally, I am of the opinion that couples should ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS try to get good counseling both from a Rov AND a therapist and work out their problems. Not all problems can be worked out, but if people can remind themselves why it is they got married to each other in the first place, maybe they can work out their differences.
oomis1105: I agree “to get good counseling both from a Rov AND a therapist”
mazca: as haifagirl said, depends if their civil to one another,
wen u asked ur Q i wasn’t thinking about shidduchim I was just thinking
in terms of it being healthier for the children not to be raised in a broken home,
but children are very perceptive, & can tell phoney acts.
If the parents are cussin & throwing dishes at each other,
the heck with shidduchim, their kids prob wont be able to STAY married
growing up in such a home, & just end it a.s.a.p. (if it cannot b saved.)
I agree with oomis. A couple should to the most possible for the sake of their children. Only after trying every possible way should they consider divorce.
Okay. I have a question. Why does everyone cry about the shidduch crisis when you have single girls or boys that won’t even consider a BT?? It could be the most excllent person!! But no how could a FFB marry a BT? Better stay single??
mybat: nobody should turn down an until they look into it,
though usually wen ppl say BT, the other assumes that the BT is from different backgrounds & upbringing & opposite type then what they’re looking,
though this assumption could be far from the truth.
Yes Bein Hasdorim. I understand that point of view. But I know for a fact that many; many people won’t even consider such an outrageous match for their brother; sister; daughter etc.
Now I am not talking about someone whoi wasn’t religous and lived through things that we can’t even imagine. I am talking about person who probably became religious in his late teens or early 20s who doesn’t have too much baggage. Because let’s face it many young people in the yeshiva or bais yaacov could have had more baggage and they just know hoe to cover it up.
Now I understand about the upbringing being different. But don’t you think that if someone left their previous less strict lifestyle because they saw the beauty of the torah and the mitzvos they won’t be willing to fit in the most possible?
I really do not like BT myself, but I do not why? Sometimes they are much better than FFB and have more love of Torah, but really there is no logic to either, a person should look at the person and only the person first.
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