What we do for Shidduchim

I don’t think anyone should pretend for shidduchim. Honestly, I think its what adds to the shidduch crisis – people are bending over backwards for somewhat ridiculous things…and not halachic things or even chumras. Just narishkeit!

My cousin was given the “grade B” girls in the shidduch world because his family is not as frum and they wont support and they are a little bit off the beaten path. The girl he is marrying was considered “grade B” and when my Aunt was checking her out they heard “Its a really nice family but they are a little strange because they like to go hiking.” Yes, someone shouldnt marry someone because their family likes a good walk. <sarcasm>

I once dated a girl who worked in a home for mentally disabled frum children. She told me one of the kids she deals with is the son of a famous frum person, but they never came to visit him- they basically pretended he didn’t exist “for shidduchim purposes”.

A relative of mine through marriage got married to someone who had a severe addiction problem which was hidden “for shidduchim”.

A relative of mine through marriage got married to someone who had a severe addiction problem which was hidden “for shidduchim”.

Jothar, to be fair, my MO friend (no shidduch involved) went through the same thing. People with addictions tend to hide and lie about them.

Chatty, that is sick. Why not just ask to meet her at a mikvah? Ugh. Some people.

Two Stories:

1) I know a son of a dentist who told me that a shaddchan once called him and ask for info on how the girls teeth were (know this is true) – this is crazy!! He tells them that not only are they being silly, its also private info between the doc and the patient

2) I know another person who was called as a reference and was asked what they ise on shabbos (paper, plastic or china.

Maybe if people would stop looking into such non-important things and wouild just focus on what is important, this whole “shidduch crisis” would not be around.

I simply can not believe that these stories are true… people are seriously in need of psychiatric help.

loved the dentist story some people are totally nuts:)

ew chatty that’s just totally gross!!

striving, lol that’s hysterical. If I’m with a bunch of friends we totally do that like go to a vort and davka sit down and eat just to see the looks ppl give us. It’s for the books!

Striving, I am VERY proud of you. If my son were a little older, you could date him! (OK he is 1…)

Now that you have the approval from some random person online…LOL

Agreed areivim! No wonder there are so many mother-in-law jokes..

Someone told me that a boy’s mother said no to a girl because the mother saw her on a hike WEARING A PONYTAIL!

Lady get a grip-what would you like to wear high heels and a suit?!

striving-I am so with you there-Whenever i go to vorts no body eats because”People are watching me” or I will “ruin my makeup”-how pathetic!

Striving: niiiicee!!!!! I would do the SAME THING!!!!! But where I live ppl look if u DON’T eat they’ll think ur starving urself lol

OH NO!!! I will never find a shidduch! If this is what MILs want- I am doomed! I had braces (railroad tracks- yes), gone on a hike before and —(the worst) I ATE AT MY FRIEND’s VORT!!!

But truly, I have heard weird stories… like the one who was asked if they had a plastic tablecloth on the table, only use white table cloths (and not even cream or ivory)… and my favorite: asking the guy what type of shoes his sisters wear… like they would even know! Ask the parents if you really want to know….

Will Hill: Gavra@work’s point was, I think, that wearing the hat was MADE a part of shidduchim–which is frankly ridiculous. If one wants to wear a black hat during all of one’s mundane activities, that’s one’s prerogative. But it’s a pretty sad day when a shidduch is turned down because some busybody saw the girl’s or boy’s father shoveling snow, mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, etc., without a black hat.

Re Will Hill: no question about the hat, but then why not do as the zeides did and wear a practical winter hat?

Many ehrliche yidden NEVER wear a hat at any time. If they are male, a yarmulke is what they wear. If they are female, they either do or do not cover their hair, depending on their marital status and hashkafa. While snoveling snow outside in the cold, it is highly recommended that EVERYONE wear a warm winter hat to protect themselves. A Borsalino will NOT do the job, so someone shoveling snow in that type hat is actually misakein himself unless he also has ear muffs on.

sjs: i dont think your mikva comment was appropriate at all even though that mothers demand is ridiculus

Flatbush, the story made it seem like the mother wanted to see the poor girl’s body. Once you are asking for that, you might as well ask for the full monty! The whole thing is ridiculous. I’m not quite sure why my comment is inappropriate though.

I didn’t think SJS’s comment was inappropriate, given the anecdote Chatty mentioned. But I do find it disturbing that a woman would want to see a prospective daughter-in-law in a bathing suit before approving a shidduch. I can’t imagine wanting that kind of information about my sons’ future kallos.

Same goes with mental health… There are so many kids in school who are struggling but their parents will not get them the help they need because it will “affect their shidduchim”. So they suffer in anguish throughout elementary and high school, failing and having low self esteem ect.

Also, there are some people, especially when they are in their teens, who will not seek professional help when it is called for. The kids have serious psychological issues such as eating disorders, or other not as obvious ones. Some kids I know really need to be on medication (not that it is appropriate for everyone) but their parents will not get them the help they need. It is really a nebech for the children, and it can harm not only the children (they can be normal, learn and grow in school ect), but their teachers, classmates ect…

When someone advises that their child should get tested, maybe it is appropriate to get a second opinion and not just wave them off. It is for the good of the child!

JOthar- where did you read this? i heard it happened like a few years ago, but whoa- this has to be stopped from occurring! they keep hurting kids because they know that no parent wants to come forward with it unless they can get on the witness protection program and get a new identity!

What about these questions about the family for a shidduch: (these are real questions that could be asked about a potential shidduch)

1)Who is their Rov?

2)Did the family eat dinner together during the week or just on shabbos?

3)Did the mother stay home with the children, or did they have a baby sitter growing up?

4)Do they live within their means?

5)What is their attitude towards potential baalei teshuvah?i.e. having them in their home for a meal on shabbos?

6)What is their involvment in the community?

7)Who are their friends?

8)Is the aura in the home more laid back or more intense?

yes some of these are vague, but I know some people who would like to ask these (not me yet my children have a while to go…)

kiruvwife, I agree, I think they’re all pretty fair questions except these:

2)Did the family eat dinner together during the week or just on shabbos?

It doesn’t say anything about the family, most families that have grown children like my own, barely even see each other during the week. I’m in college at night, my brothers are in yeshiva…You can’t really judge a family by that

4)Do they live within their means?

No offense, but whose business is that? Like my relative used to drive by the boy’s house to see what the outside looked like and if they upkept the garden! Like hello who cares!!

Myshadow, I think they are fair questions. My family always tried to eat together every night. We would wait for the latest person, unless it was really too late. Whoever was home though would eat together. I think it says quite a bit about family dynamics or at least how they approach this. So if everyone is busy, they might answer that whoever is home at a reasonable hour always eats together because family time is important.

I think living within their means is important. After all, if the girl is used to extravagence but her family cannot afford it, how does that bode well for a marriage? It means her husband will have to provide things that they cannot afford! Do weekly manicures matter when money is tight? No. Again, its a mindset.

Neither of these things should stop a shidduch, but I dont think its bad information.

Lets look at number 3 – what if the mother was a single parent and needed babysitters so that she could provide food and shelter for her kids? Do you hold it against her? No, buts its good information to know.

I honestly think this is the least offensive list of questions I have ever seen.

When I was in Yeshiva- someone called me and asked me if the boy I sleep with is healthy, I answered that he’s ion approx 360 tablets a day but I don’t think their for medical purposes maybe just for nutrition etc.

I love winding them up!

This topic makes me sad!!!!