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What was the worst tragedy in your life that youre willing to speak about, what made you tolerate it and how did you deal with it (other than davening or therapy)?
If you’d go through something similar again, would you do the same?
Anything to do with your name?
Scary!
I don’t feel comfortable sharing that here. Sorry.
Why’d you want to open up people’s wounds again. HaShem gave this WONDERFUL medicine called ‘forgetfulness’ mainly for this purpose, to heal peoples’ hearts and mind, why undo it?
OK, For your sake, I’ll agonize once more.
It was the night I got a moving violation, two years ago. I was pulled over for a non-working rear-light, and 2 children were found not secured. I was in such a low for THREE DAYS afterwards. I couldn’t get my head out of it. I had a huge headache. I was SO DEPRESSED! Baruch HaShem for the greatest gift of forgetfulness, where bad, unpleasant memories recede into the subconscious.
me either. I think this thread should be closed. It is way too personal.
Mazal- you don’t HAVE to post here!!!
I’m sorry, but, Zeeskite, if that was your worst tragedy, you have been very blessed. May you always be blessed with things that feel major, when they’re really minor (and may you realize, not through experience, how minor they really are…).
well if you think it’s personal u don’t have to respond…leave it for ppl who do want to respond 😉
6 years ago, my dad, who I was very close to passed away. Besides for prayers and going to a social worker, my friends supported me (I was only 13.)
chalilavchas – Just call me a modern day Eiyuv.
But I guess you are trying to put everybody in the Tisha B’av mood!
Losing my father 40+ years ago was a tragedy that i learned to live with and accept, then last year we lost a dear sister suddenly from an aneurysm and now i just came from being menachem avel a dear friend who lost 2 children in a matter of 2.5 years both who were in their twenties. One left 5 yesomim and the other 2 yesomos with the older barely 3 years old. And what about the tragedies of 3 weeks ago and last week !
mommamia22
Thank for your Brocha. Amain.
When I was in that situation, I knew it wasn’t in the right perspective, I wasn’t able to even think properly. I knew then as now that it was minor. I just couldn’t get myself out of that ‘matzav’. It was going round and round in my head. I guess I’m more prone to depression (or mild ones).
i had a similar incedent to zeeskite’s, on the web. It was when a user named zeeskite called me ‘the second son’ etc. not so long ago. I have still not recovered completely. maybe zeeskite can help here. thanks
I honestly don’t and didn’t think ZeesKite was actually calling you a Rasha. It was rather a warning of what you sound like. I figured at the time that you are just mentioning it over and over for the leverage it would give you. Am I wrong?
I’m sorry, but, Zeeskite, if that was your worst tragedy, you have been very blessed. May you always be blessed with things that feel major, when they’re really minor (and may you realize, not through experience, how minor they really are…).
Maybe that was the worst she was willing to speak about?
Amen to the bracha.
i understand zeeskite but also momma…one of the worst moments of my life was when my wife told me she wants to get divorced. I cried and cried and cried for many days and was depressed. bh were still married and a long way ahead still i dont think i ll ever forget this
I once wound up in court after a cop gave me THREE moving violations on one corner. There were multiple lights at a major intersection (like 5 lights). It was very confusing. When four of them turned green, I pulled forward to turn, not realizing there was a separate turning light. He was on my tail in a matter of seconds. I don’t even make illegal u-turns so it infuriated me. I hired a lawyer and got off only one of the three tickets. Most of the “defendants” in that court were got their tickets from him. It bothered me for a while too, and definitely made me look at cops differently.
After I lost a sibling VERY young – my whole life, family, personality, bitachon changed. I used to think Hash-em would somehow always save a good person. Sadly, I know now, that G-d doesn’t always come to the rescue of a person in the way that we would want. I kind of lost that glow for living. Add that to my current tragedy (an abusive spouse) and I’m finished. I just try to keep breathing, shift my focus off my tragedies as much as possible, and keep working on myself to improve my life, because I AM alive. I’ve got to make the best life for myself as I can, since I’ve got to live it. One thing that brings me down is comparing my life to others (they have more kids, a house, a loving husband, a frummer husband, money, and the list goes on. And that doesn’t even include the comparisons to my old self. The one who got set up with over 200 shidduchim, and had sooo many (possibly) amazing choices for a spouse, and I chose THIS one?!?! So be it! What can I do? Beat myself up? I’m good at that, and so is my husband. Now I’ve got to get good at nurturing and forgiving myself.
momma- wow! Make sure to also learn to be nice to yourself and not just beat yourself up! I think the lowest point in my mothers life was when she got 3 tickets for doing nothing! She was driving in a new town and a new car with a new person who was showing her around town. the cop pulled her over for NOTHING and was extremely nasty to her. It was really hard for me- as a little girl- watch my mother in shambles crying at home. I dont think it was the ticket that bothered her so much but more the timing and place and the nasty cop!
mommamia -“The one who got set up with over 200 shidduchim, and had sooo many (possibly) amazing choices for a spouse, and I chose THIS one?!?! So be it! What can I do?”
Maybe you did let the right one go, but right now if you are being abused you shouldn’t take it. Please seek professional counseling. Go yourself, even if your husband refuses to go.
This is a very serious situation, nothing to be joked about. Don’t go to anyone besides therapists who have experience with this. Don’t listen to friends, family, etc. Find a very good therapist. Relief is an org. that specializes in referrals.
mommamia22:
WOW!
That’s all I can say!
Some people (like myself) are ‘klein kepig’ a minor inconvenience appears as huge and insurmountable. I really stand awed at your challenges. I’m not the one to offer you any encouragement. I’ll just say you inspired me. A lot.
M22, I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. May you find the strength to get through all of your challenges.
I don’t think I should discuss in detail all the tragedies in my life, because people would be freaked out. I sometimes wonder how I’m still alive, let alone sane.
Ok, so I have been thinking and trying to come up with ways to give a little chizuk here. I have been thru 2 pretty horrible things in my life. One happened when I was a child and to get through that, I went for therapy many years later. The second thing happened almost 10 years ago now. Luckily, I was already an adult and was much better able to deal with it. HUMOR, HUMOR, HUMOR!!!! Without humor, I would have lost my mind!!! (Though some say that I have already lost my mind) I was also aware enough of my weaknesses to know to ask for help when I needed it. Whether it was asking for someone to learn Eiyuv with me, or just knowing that I needed to go out for coffee with a friend who would make me laugh. My extended family and the frum community have both been my backbone. Without them, I would not have made it these last 10 years. (have to admit, I am shocked that it is 10 years now!) Friends who stuck by me are such a gift! The ones that didn’t, I feel it is their loss, because as a person I have so much more to give now than I had before. If you are going through something hard, talk to people older than you. They are so wise and have so much to teach us all! AND FIND A WAY TO LAUGH! I could write a few comedy books about all the funny things that happened throughout my worst days! One more thing… Antidepressants are not our enemy! Sometimes we are even lucky enough to only need them short term. They can help us get through the rough patches without hurting ourselves or those around us.
There, I did it! And I gave out no personal or embarrassing information out. Hope I helped someone. I can now stop worrying about whether I am going to ruin this thread with my memories.
m22
In the beginning of Garden of Emuna, there’s a true story about a young woman who lost a young child (murdered & dismembered) & shortly thereafter, lost her husband. Through a dream she was showm the “story behind the story” & what really was happening.
It would be a grave injustice if I would paraphrase.
See if you could get your hands on the book.
I hope by now you called the numbers that were supplied to you on your other thread. A support group for domestic abuse survivors & a counselor specializing in it are both crucial in the healing process.
Usually a victim somehow suffered from abuse in some way growing up, and subconsciously chooses a partner who is “familiar.”
Comparing oneself to others is a form of self-abuse. A victim many times will put herself/himself down (self-abuse) even when not in the presence of the abuser.
Keep in mind that Hashem gives lots of nisyonos to high neshamos…suffering in this world is better than in the next.
We all here feel for you & are rooting for you.
Now you need to borrow the book & make the call.
Hatzlacha.
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Middle- you are able to stay sane because you have a clear mind and a great way of thinking. You have your head on your shoulders and you are constantly thinking about ways to improve yourself and dust yourself off and you dont just sit in the rut and chose to be upset about all the things that went wrong in your life. there is very little that we have control over in our lives, yet we choose to constantly control those things. this just brings heartache and worry. you cannot control your life situation, your family, your friends reactions, comments, or your spouse! you can only control the way you deal with all those things
If only we could all answer like this.
Unfortunately, as we well know, real life can be tough.
With most tzoros, the following hold true:
-Gam zeh yavor (not always, but usually).
Thanks, adorable. Seems like you know me pretty well, already.
My motto is “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger” and unfortunately or rather fortunately I’ve experienced this first hand and in my personal opinion if you have a positive attitude about whatever it is that your going thru it changes it from a tragedy to a meaningful experience
Unquestionably, the VERY unexpected and untimely loss of my father O”H (right after my birthday), followed only five months later by my mother O”H, as well. No other pain has cut as deeply, though a miscarriage in my 9th week came close. I am grateful to Hashem for sparing us from too much personal sadness, bli ayin hara. I have however, experienced sharing pain with others who have had truly monumental losses, and as a Klal, our greatest tragedy is being commemorated this week.
Mom22, excuse me for saying so but what you got to get is a support system and a sense that YOU deserve better. In addition, you should understand that you deserve to be respected by your spouse but firstly by YOU. If YOU don’t respect yourself HE never will and will never take you seriously. AND more importantly if YOU don’t respect yourself how will your kids learn how to respect themselves. What kind of role models are either one of your for them?
What do you owe yourself at this point? What do you owe your kids and what do you owe an abusive husband? Think about that for a while and then understand that only you have the power to make the right choices for yourself and your kids. It won’t be easy, but there are people out there who can help you. They are just a phone call away. SHOLOM TASK FORCE deals with this all the time. YOU are NOT alone. YOU are NOT the only one that has found herself in such a situation and thankfully there is a rum Jewish organization that is here to help.
The hardest thing in my life has been growing up with a father who is a drug addict. He’s been using drugs for 40+ years. Alanon Family Groups (a support group for family members and friends of alcoholics/addicts) has helped me a lot with my issues surrounding my upbringing. Therapy is helping me as well.
My food addiction has been a difficult challenge to surmount as well. Overeaters Anonymous has helped me in this regard.
Hatzlacha:-)
Yaela, that is very, very sad and must have ripped your family to shreds. Every child needs two parents to count on. Every child needs a Mommy and a Daddy. It is extremely sad to not have that in your childhood and your adolescent years when you need them the most. Children need strong role models in their lives. Mothers need their husbands to partner with. It is very difficult to be a single mother whether you are in a marriage or divorced raising children on your own. I am glad that you had a support system to at least understand what was happening and how to handle it. Most kids and families don’t get that. You can’t help an addict. They have a choice to get help or feed their addiction and no one can make that choice for them. The only thing a family member can do is encourage them to get help while at the same time tell them “I love you and that is why I will not stand by and watch you kill yourself. That is not fair to me”. You have to respect yourself too.
The best anyone can do is say “I will support your sobriety but I will NOT support your addiction”.
As far as your food addiction is concerned you might also want to see a therapist and a doctor who can help you with that. It probably has something to do with the need to be loved and turning to food for comfort. A good endocrinologist can help you out by first doing a complete work up to see how your body is functioning and then recommend the proper foods and diet plan, and then a therapist can help you through your issues.
Yaela – What is he addicted to?
Worst tragedy:
Dealing with sexual abuse
2nd worse- ending up in psych ward
happiest
You are so courageous facing up to your worst tragedies & dealing with them.
It’s a long road to healing but not a lonely one, as we are all here with you.
You can do it. One step at a time.
Happiest, you have truly experienced a nightmare and the trauma that follows is ongoing. I am glad that you have NOT kept it a secret but have allowed your voice to be heard and are getting help, and are dealing with this issue. Please continue to work through this and surround yourself with supportive and positive energy.
Thank you very much for your response Aries. Health – he’s addicted to opiates and benzodiazepines.
Happiest, do you have a support network?
Yaela -When was the last time he was in a rehab program and what type was it? And how did this all get started?
Thanks everyone for your ongoing support. B”H I recently found some people who I can talk to about it.
Thanks!!
He was in a long-term, Jewish facility about 6 years ago for 5 months or so. A couple years after that I think he may have been in rehab for a month or so, court ordered. He started using drugs at 16 or 17 years old. He is currently 59 so this has been a life-long problem. I don’t think he really wants help, although he may say he does sometimes. I realize that long term drug use permanently changes the brain. I don’t expect him to recover from this addiction but it would be wonderful if he did.
mommamia- I deal in social work, there is a fellow I’ve worked with on a recent case by the name of Simcha Feuerman. He is great. There also is a fellow Donny Frank who can help you. I assure you that there are alot of people in your position unfortunately, & you most definitely should go for assistance. Hatzlacha
Yaela, I think you have a good handle on the situation. You are probably right and it seems like he never took rehab seriously. Five months for a career addict is not serious work. A year in rehab and then living in a sober society would be more like it. How does he support his habit?
Yaela & Aries – “You are probably right and it seems like he never took rehab seriously.”
And one of the reasons is because he knows it doesn’t work (Methadone clinics). I did some training in drug addiction. The basic only hope is to find a doc who does Suboxone treatment. This with therapy has somewhat of a success rate. Going to Narc Anon. with the therapy is an added bonus. Before I started my training, I was full of misconceptions, like drug addicts are only from the lowest denomination of society, etc.
There is hope, even at his age. I think at this point he will try anything to get out. He probably is disgusted at himself right now, but doesn’t know how to stop. He needs help. What I’m telling you – is right now the best treatment modern medicine has to offer. As far as I know the gov. isn’t putting money into research for this disease, so better treatments will be far off in coming.
Ya, I don’t think he took it seriously enough. They wanted him to stay at least another month and then go into sober living. Instead he decided to come home and used 3 weeks later.
He’s on disability for Chron’s Disease. He spends most of his money on drugs…my parents live in a really dangerous neighborhood because they can’t afford to live anywhere else. There are drug houses everywhere. I can go on with this story but this forum is kind of public though we don’t know each other’s real names.
Lately there has been a family mess and I’m trying to stay out of it, albeit not doing such a great job.
You are right you should stay out of it. Your parents are adults and they should look to other adults for assistance.
i wanna place a question here. i read about mommas issues in past and also here. yaela too and all the others. while if we use our brain some seem less of a big deal then other but its how each individual reacts to it. i feel my issues are chocking me(shulem bais, depression, some yiddishkeit issues, issues with parents and some minor abuse from someone as kid which i call not abuse but using)but when i read here what people went thru i feel i dont have the right to even think of complainin. does anyone else feel like this? is it normal?
Health – my dad went to methadone clinics for 25 years and no, it doesn’t work. Of course he doesn’t want to be addicted and of course he is disgusted with himself, that’s always been the case. Therapy has marginal success and suboxone only deals with the physical craving, not the mental obsession and the thinking that dominates the addict. I think he took recovery seriously at some points. Either way, the onus is on him to take action. I just need to accept life as it is right now and not hope for a miracle because I’ve seen the same stuff for 30 years already. I am intending on going back to Alanon on a regular basis.
Yaela- Is there any way you can find an other family to live with?
do you have siblings in this mess as well? (that need to be taken care of).
There’s no reason you should have to ‘live’ in this situatio..
Yaela -“my dad went to methadone clinics for 25 years and no, it doesn’t work. Of course he doesn’t want to be addicted and of course he is disgusted with himself, that’s always been the case.”
See I knew all that and you didn’t post it. I actually learned something in my educaton. Actually, Methadone clinics have about a 3% success rate, as opposed to Suboxone (like 30% or more).
“Therapy has marginal success and suboxone only deals with the physical craving, not the mental obsession and the thinking that dominates the addict.”
Was he in a Suboxone program? Anyways, maybe I wasn’t clear before -You need the three pronged approach -Drugs (Meds), Therapy, and Narc Anon. This way has the most chance of success. Also, in this case your parents have to leave the area they live in. There are plenty of poor areas that aren’t drug-infested in the metropolitan area. This is part of the problem -exposure to the addicting substance. Even if they won’t leave, I agree with Mom-12, that you should move out!
happiest- I’s so glad you found people to talk to about it! For me, even though I think I’m fine right now, I would have benefited greatly if I had support and people to talk to earlier on…
Although, my situation is a bit different from yours. But I really do think I’m past it, save for a few details that I can overcome by making a few changes in my life.(Changes that I would make, anyway.)
Sorry if this is confusing..I just don’t really want to spell out all the details.
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