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How much should parents tell their children who are in shidduchim? Should they tell them about every name that comes up, only names that already gave a yes to go out with their child, or only tell a child that s/he is going on a date tomorrow and then tell the child the details? How much should a child know and how should parents decide?
I think I’ll be extra careful and let my parents know the day before I go out on a date… but mostly so they don’t call and get worried when I don’t answer.
How much should parents tell their children who are in shidduchim?
When and where the wedding is.
yid – :)cute.
person 3 – how about just an hour before the date? they don’t need to know a whole day before the date.
it’s none of their business, anyways. 😉
If the name redt is clearly not suitable, what purpose would there be to mention it?
IMHO, parents should not discuss the names they get until they have a “yes”. There is no reason that kids need to feel rejected and frustrated. They should know that you are working on things so they don’t feel like no one is calling and they are forgotten but they don’t need to know how many times they were turned down. Parents should say that they felt it wasn’t right and shadchanim should NOT mention it to the girl’s parents before they get a YES from the boys’ side. Boy’s parents have so many more calls they should NOT tell the boys until they get a YES from the girls. If they are turned down, they don’t have to tell their sons, but sometimes they should mention that the parents felt it was not for them. They should also know that the calls are coming in and not feel that nothing is happening.
Parents need to be extremely careful with this because sometimes its a waiting game and parents have more patience than kids do. If you tell a prospect that the other party was “busy” they will take it as an automatic rejection. Sometimes the other party was truly busy and when that party is available and the name comes up again, that prospect will reject because they are still hurting from the original rejection. It is a very tricky and sensitive balance.
How much a child knows depends on how much a child wants to know and how much they ask. Every parent knows their own child best and should not lie to their child. This is something they need to be on the same page about before they say YES to anyone. Both parent and child need to have a good understanding of what they are both looking for and how they are going to handle things before the calls start coming.
It seems to me that if a child is old enough to be married he or she is old enough to be involved in the details.
It seems to me that if a child is old enough to be married he or she is old enough to be involved in the details.
Or even date without their parents’ prior approval.
The Wolf
it varies with every child, i know that personally i was very interested in hearing every last detail…i wanted to know what was going on, even at the early stages. But thats my personal thing, i have frends that didnt WANT to know ANYTHING, they didnt know the name of the person they were going out with untill an hour before the date.
I dont think a child should date without a parents consent. but if parents dont tell their child anything they just think that no one is suggesting anything and that can be hard. on the other hand, if they know about ever single one that they get a no from that can be hard too. i think they should know enough to feel like the parents are working on things and trying their best but not too much that they feel rejected.
Shouldn’t the question be “What to tell your parents when you are in shidduchim?”
It’s not the parent’s life – It’s the child’s!
@showerzinger, no kidding. Its the child who may or may not be getting married, they need to make the hard choices
Who picked a wife for Yitzchok Avinu?
Who picked a wife for Yitzchok Avinu?
And how is that relevant to how spouses are chosen today?
The Wolf
And how is that relevant to how spouses are chosen today?
It’s relevant to those whose parents choose their spouse today.
you are supposed to look at the way the avos did things….I think the parents should do the main leg-work but leave the actual decision to the child
Pacman
And who picked a wife for Yakov avinu? Moshe Rabeinu? I can go on and on…
It’s relevant to those whose parents choose their spouse today.
and
you are supposed to look at the way the avos did things….I think the parents should do the main leg-work but leave the actual decision to the child
Interesting….
Avraham didn’t do the leg work, he sent a trusted servant to do so.
Yitzchok and Rivka didn’t date at all.
Avraham waited until Yitzchak was in his late thirties before finding a shidduch.
According to one midrash, he married his adult son off to a three year old.
Given all these facts to be true, why is the fact that Avraham chose the wife considered to be so important that we must emulate it today, whereas all these other facts can simply be discarded as “that’s not the way things are done today?”
The Wolf
Here is the problem I have with this thread.
We can fairly discuss how much a person should be involved in getting married, and how much they should involve their parents.
But, it had better be the person himself’s decision of how much to involve his parents.
The OP, and others here seem to think the parents should be deciding how much to involve the child! That is crazy and abusive.
If your child wants you to do any amount, or all of it, that is fine, but it is his decision to involve you, not the other way. And if you make him feel as if he is supposed to involve you or he is disappointing you, then you are a bad parent.
(This all applies to “she”s also.)
it depends on the “culture”
for example the Zidichover Rav’s grandson became a Choson last week. he met his Kallah for the first time a few minutes before the engagement. the boy is beaming. this is how they have always done it. all of the Ravs children and siblings have very successful marriages.
popa_bar_abba, here’s the problem I have with this thread:
All of us in the coffee room come from such diverse backgrounds. SOme pple ask “How much should kids tell parents”
Some ask “How much should parents tell kids”
We will never come to an agreement because of the completely diff circles.
When I was in shidduchim, my parents took care of the main legwork. Thats how its done in my circles.
Most others here probably inform their parents once things are getting serious – Hey Ma, I would like you to meet my future wife….
Mod 80,
we can never know how successful another’s marriage is
we can never know anything for certain
but there are ways (sometimes not perfect)of assessing such things.
of course one can always be wrong, but when one generation after another maintains a home of chesed and Simcha and masmidus in learning, its something.
as i said the proper way of shidduchim depends on the environment, and the times. in some environments what popa said holds true. in others it doesnt
80:
What I said is true in any culture.
I take no position (in this thread) on how much involvement the parents and the children should have ideally. I am simply stating that this question of involvement is the child’s choice.
I am certain that the Zhidichover’s grandson wanted his parents to be making the decision, or they wouldn’t have done so.
you can never know for sure what is going on but there is a way to see something usually…
everyone has to do what works for them and what is accepted in their situation
pba
now i see what you mean
i guess youre right
I personally would say that the kids should know something of the shidduchim being suggested as even if the child and parents had a discussion to get on the same page, there is still different perspective and the parents may therefore be turning down someone the child may feel is appropriate or saying yes to someone the child would never consider.
Just my take
😀 Zuberman! 😀
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