What to Talk About on a Bishow

Rr-im really excited for you!! CR is great when you wanna share something but want to stay anonymous!!

Hatzlacha rabbah and keep us posted!

Thats cute-I was wondering the same thing but I didn’t want to say anything.

Just before the weekend, Philosopher made a valid point, that “go out daters” suffer from the surprise factor, just as much as “beshow” couples.

While that may be true, there is a vast difference. In the “go out date” system, the decision to get engaged is one that is arrived at after time spent (no, Kliobear, its not the same as time served 🙂 so the decision is YOURS. If there are bumps along the road, you have an incentive to work hard to get things back on track. Of course, you’re not in a vacume, and you can ask for help / advise from your parents / rov / mentor / cr, whatever.

But in a beshow setting, its essentially a done deal from the minute you walk thru the door, so if things aren’t rosy you freeze because you have nothing invested. And don’t tell me not so, because the timeline from entering shidduchim for the chassidishe oilam is too short to be anything but.

I should also point out (even though I think its pretty clear from my other posts) that my real beef is with the bochurim. The girls (both chassidish and litvsh) are head and shoulders above their male counterparts, when the age range is 19-21. So clearly, its the boys who need to step up to the plate, and until then, the girls are at the mercy of a system that needs to be updated (no pun intended)

And I have BOYS, so I’m not biased; I’m just being honest.

Lastly, to the posters who think I’m speaking from bitterness,and (even funnier was) the suggestion that I was raised in a restricive home let me assure you;

A) While I have some chassidishe flavor, I’m anything but a chusid and

B) In my childhood days, we had a TV, ate cholov stam, when to movies, ect. (Not that this has any bearing on the shidduch scene we’re discussing now.. I just thought it was a funny assesment of me. )

I did not see a post from Cookie7. The 2 posts I meant were one from 4 days ago and one from 1 day ago. If we’re in different time zones, the days might display differntly, but either way, I figured you (or whoever made the post) had a change of heart becuase RR had already gone out, was happy with the progress, so there was no point in staying skeptical.

I mangled the joke last week. I really apologize.

Try this: CLICK HERE

curlygirl.. I know exactly how you feel!!!!! Just take a deep breath..and relax!!!!!!! It’ll be great! Just try concentrating on being yourself! Usually the boy has the lead, and starts the conversation. You just have to follow along, and make sure to talk! Just offer imformation about yourself, about school, work, your summer vacation, and anything else that comes to your mind. The first date should not be serious discussions!!!! Try not to look around too much, (especially if you’re in a hotel lobby..) It’ll distract you, and you’ll forget what you wanted to say. Just be yourself, and you’ll do great! G’luck!

I didn’t realize what a real nerd I am. It seems that I primarily beshowed. Do I have to get a gartel now?

it actually went pretty well bh!! i survived! thanx for the tips!! we’ll c what happens!!!!

Bomb- you can anytime discuss how to spell the word “the”…

Curly –

was the date a go out type, or a bishow?

Are bishows not uncomfortable??? Dont like the sound of them really

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and I hope you find your Bashert Bkorov…my tip on dating is to always keep a chilled head and remember however nervous you are he is just as nervous!!!

Pardon me for being nosy, Curly, but if the 1st two dates were bishows, am I correct in guessing that the 2 of you are more chassidish than litvish / yeshivish? Or has the bishow been brought over to the yeshivish world? Or is this taking place outside of america, where the formatt is different?

neither of us are yeshivish…more to the heimish side…

BP i’m talking about pple in Europe, Eretz Yisroel and YES America. I know of people who are not chassidish, and not heimish – according to your definition at least, who do sit in style too. Maybe overall, chassidim do sit ins and no going out but there are people who are not chassidish who do sit ins too.

Sof –

I have no idea on the system used in EY or Europe, so I cannot comment on that. America however is my home turf, so unless you’re talking about the super-duper ultra yeshivish crowd or children (grandchildren?) of rabbonim / rosh yeshiva, the “bent down brim” crowd goes out. (for the most part at least).

Now, on to my next question:

Curly – Although I / my family do not wear the full geshtell, living in 11219, we know a great deal about the “heimish” crowd who will opt for a Shtramel / bekkisheh, yet are not directly tied to a particular chassidus.

That said, internet (and TV/movies/ mixed swimming, ect) are probably big time no-nos in both your background and that of your chosson. Yet, you seem to be ok with interacting on the CR. Fine. So are all of us.

But what would be the reaction to finding out (after the tenioyim) that the chosson is a regular visitor to this (or any other) on-line forum? Not a pleasant surprise, I would imagine.

This is why I am such a critic of the beshow in today’s “flexidish” market. On the one hand, there is every expectation that both parties at the beshow will be on the same page in terms of commitment to living a chassidish lifestyle. Yet, one of the parties (in this case, you) is quite comfortable on-line. Is your chosson just as comfortable? Hard to tell, if you only meet in a 1-2 hour, very controlled, very supervised setting.

Getting out for a day, in the outside world (like a park) would give you each a chance to see how the other operates in “real-time”. Again, the beshow worked (and still works) fine when both parties were cut from the same pattern. But when one (or both) has outside influence, that’s a varaiable that should be known in advance. And there is little chance this can be determined in a 2 hour meeting.

Since you seem to be headed for a “go out” date, you should be fine. Just keep your ears / eyes open. The last thing you want in a spouse is someone who is not on the same page as you. The prospective mechutonim need to meet? Let them. But the two of you need some space to see what each are really thinking, not what the script says.

Another good litmus test: watch his driving habits. Tells you loads about his personallity.

Hatzlocha! (or as they say in 11219, Hatzlucheh!)

Mazal Tov!

The Wolf

Mazel tov!!!

BP Totty..thanks for your sarcasm..truly appreciated! Just so you know, we dated for 3 weeks. My chosson is from out of town, and we saw no reason to push it off any longer. We made one big event last night..vort and all..and we’re working on a wedding date sometime in November…(don’t think a family trip will work that fast!)

Mazel tov! That’s some nice news in the CR!

I’m really happy for you!!

mosherose what’s that supposed to mean? aren’t a husband and wife supposed to be so close after they are married? i’m not sure i understand what ur trying to say. please explain.

Eclipse- without doubt, he did mean it very literal”after they’re married”.

smartcookie:really?