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what are good questions to ask when finding out info about a shidduch?
thanks
Middos Middos Middos.
Smartcookie; well obviously. . . Question is, how do you ask it to get the truth? Anyone have a good technique?
Umm…things that are important to you in a spouse maybe?
it’s pretty hard to ask what’s important in a spouse when you’re asking this to a reference, not the actual person them-self; my friends and i always joked that it would make the most sense if we put our own numbers down under a references and then we could honestly answer the questions! would make life easier, no? getting real answers for a change… something to think about….!! 😉
how do u plain on supporting your family ?????
“Question is, how do you ask it to get the truth? Anyone have a good technique?”
Everyone answers according to their own perspective. The only answer is to daven, daven, daven, that Hashem show you the truth, and the right way to go.
when i got set up with my husband i had been out with so many fruity guys who i did a ton of asking about and all turned out to be “less then normal” in one way or another. I didnt ask anything about my husband until the third date, i didnt want to do all that work to go on one date. I do shidduchim now and I always tell ppl to go out on one date beofre really digging….just my opinion
Tikvuchka, if there’s an airplane ticket or car rental involved…well, I’d have to really, really trust the shadchan. And most shadchanim don’t do the legwork the parents or parties in question do.
OK, being that no one is saying practical advice I’ll start with a tip I developed.
Always give a leveraged option.
I’ll explain, say you want to know if s/he’s pretty or not. If you say ‘is s/he pretty?’ They will always say ‘of course!’ But if you then add right after your question, ‘or does his or her fun personality stand out more than his or her looks’? They can then answer that without feeling bad.
Another example, if you want to know if she is a warm type of girl. Instead of saying, is she the warmer type? And then getting an obvious ‘of course! she’s so warm’. Throw in right away, or is she normal like most girls? Then if warmth is an important thing for you, you know she doesn’t stand out with that. But the other side doesn’t feel bad saying that because you gave an option that doesn’t put her in a bad light either.
Basically, always offer the flip side, but in a positive way.
Am I being clear? Please tell me if not, I will further clarify.
I found this very helpful and hope you do to.
when u ask about the person often times u get very cliche answers….ask for examples which portray the quality they are describing….it helps
I know someone who’d ask, is he a major Masmid. The answer, as expected, is, of course, he learns every extra minute, he never plays and so on. Now the questioner says, so you’re telling me that he doesn’t spend time with friends? After a few such rounds, the person doesn’t know what is the answer you were waiting for, and starts to portray a realistic picture.
What cshapiro says is very true. Sometimes, not only do you get a cliche, but you get a meaningless term thrown at you, something from class lingo or what the person made up to represent some general type of personality.
my sister told me that on a recent shabbaton for shevach, Rabbi Peysach Krohn told the girls “I am not telling you who to marry, but CC guys have the best middos”. Is that really true? And if yes, is middos > learning style in a marriage?
klach:
Are you asking if middos is more important in marriage than learning style?
Why would a wife care what her husband’s learning style is?
“is middos > learning style in a marriage?”
Of course?
You must ask the mose important question: Coke or Pepsi?
“is middos > learning style in a marriage?”
Rebbetzen Kamenetzki (wife of R. Shmuel Kamenetzki) said in marriage middos have priority over learning style, because you choosing not a chavrusa, but a life partner and a father for your children
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