what people look for in shidduch dating

A friend of mine who has dated more than I have told me he’s spoken to many great girls that can’t find a shidduch because they have a “checklist” of very specific things that they’re looking for, and that so many girls insist that they must have every aspect of their checklist fulfilled before they’re happy with their potential shidduch. Is this true? He says, generally, boys are more ready to compromise, but that seminaries indoctrinate girls that “they deserve” the best shidduch possible, so all these girls go for months and months without dating because the guy doesn’t fit their “checklist”. He claims this might be part of the cause for the Great Shidduch Recession.

“Don’t forget the one above” hopefully you will be blessed with many dollars to give. I was just watching a video of a tisha b’av speech earlier today (fast ended here already), and after the rabbi finished talking some guy in the audience with a thick Russian accent took the mic and started talking about something he learned, and at the end he said “I just thought i’d throw in my twenty cents.” I was trying so hard not to laugh… But I failed.

Mazal tov on your engagement!

mw13: I forgot to mention, I do agree with you regarding the whole entitlement problem. That’s the yetzer hara hachitzioni. We live in a time where “keeping up with the Joneses” is something that’s almost inevitable, to some extent. Nobody wants to be an outcast of society by only living off the basics. This wasn’t as big of a nisayon back in the day when living off the basics WAS society.

So, I know there are countless posts regarding the issue, and it’s one that many people feel very strongly about, but I think it’s an interesting topic. I have yet to hear an answer that is logical, most are just emotional terutzim. Ready for it?…. What do you think regarding giving/asking for a photograph for a first date.

The way I see it is, a husband HAS to be attracted to his wife, and vice versa. It’s a waste of time, money, and emotions for both parties if they never make it to a second date because one isn’t attracted to the other. That being said, some people don’t really need much on the physical side to make them attracted to someone else, as their nature of attraction is just more personality-centric. These people, may not even ask to see a picture, which is fine. I think those that do ask for a picture are not “shallow” like some people may say, but they just want to save themselves and the other person the trouble. The fact that they arent able to develop an attraction to someone who isn’t physically appealing to them is not their fault, it’s just how they are hardwired. Just like some people are visual/tactile learners, and others are audio learners. It’s the way our brains work. I don’t understand the stigma against asking to see a photograph of a person before a date. I’ve read some comments that people wrote that “how could someone who learns about not looking at girls ask to look at a girl?” This is baseless because in this case it’s a mitzvah to look and see if you are potentially attracted. Isn’t there some chazal about how one should look at his kallah before the marriage to make sure she’s appealing to him?

Does anyone have a logical angle on why it’s not right to ask for a picture?

Princess, that’s a good point. I’m not very photogenic, unless I’m caught off guard. I’m not so good at “posing” for pics Haha. I think it’s different for boys though, because looks aren’t as a big of a priority for most girl as they are for guys… At least that’s what people say. Girls are generally more emotional than boys are. At the end of the day, I guess it’s a cost-benefit decision that each person has to make for themselves.

Wallflower- I think she meant “not everybody wants a greasy kollel guy” as referring to the opposite end of the spectrum. NOT that every kollel guy is greasy.

mw13 – you’re welcome.

That’s not what I meant. One shouldn’t TRY to be a businessman or a rosh yeshiva. One should TRY to do whatever the ratzon Hashem is for themselves. Whether that ends up being a rosh yeshiva or a businessman is irrelevant to their reward in Olam Haba, as long as they honestly followed ratzon Hashem in choosing their life path.

Same thing for a lady. She shouldn’t TRY to marry a rosh yeshiva or TRY to marry a businessman. She should TRY to do the ratzon Hashem. That means supporting Torah as much as she can. If making the sacrifices necessary in marrying a rosh yeshiva also means being miserable for her, then the ratzon Hashem for her is to NOT marry a rosh yeshiva. Maybe it’s to marry a rebbe or shul rabbi who has a guaranteed salary. Maybe it’s in marrying a businessman. She can support Torah in other ways, and still be a happy, functional, tzadeikes and eved Hashem, without marrying the gadol hador.

To often do we focus on ideals that don’t necessarily apply to us, and lose focus of the main picture which DOES apply to us. We aren’t here to learn Torah. We aren’t here to do mitzvos. We aren’t here to be happy. We are here to do the ratzon Hashem – which happens to be learning Torah, doing mitzvos, and being happy.