what is a normal age to get married?

Now sparkly don’t switch around my words. I meant that the pace you mature at depends on your environment not your spiritual level. It just happens to be chassidim marry earlier, so they prepare and help mature kids earlier to be ready. If we did that then we could also marry at 17, but we don’t.

Pringles: so with this theory, some litvish people CAN be ready, if certain variable are in their favor: personality, family, schooling, and more all helps contribute to how fast (or if) a person matures. But most litvish families and schools do not prepare kids to marry at 17. If a kid is ready, it’s most prabaly based upon personality, family, neshomah- not schooling. Verus chasidish families where schooling prepares them to be ready at 17 and all families do too.

Plus you are going to change even if you marry at 22 or 30. It’s life. But marriage is NOT friendship, and it’s not based on what style of clothing you like today.

You’ll never fully be “mature”. What do you think mature even means? According to psychology people these days aren’t full adults until they are 23-27 years old. Who said you have to be an adult to marry? You don’t need to be an adult to: smoke, drink, do drugs, and even more.

Even Hashem says as young as 12 you can be accountable for your sins. Sins so hard for a 12 year old like loshon hara, not being jealous-things that kids have to deal with.

Marriage isn’t easy. It won’t be easier if you marry at 18 or 23. You have to understand you don’t come back from college magically “mature”. You might never feel mature. Everyone is going to be like those bubbies who still believe they are teens. Because you don’t change that much ater 18. Sure you change but not as drastic as your teen years. Your husband will change too, and that’s not bad. You change together…

As I said before, a 17 year old doesn’t have that many experiences in life.

What do you mean when you say that they get prepared earlier? You can try tell a teen stuff, you can preach to them how much you want, but if they are not ready to hear it they wont internalize it.

That means they are not mature enough but we find plenty of such teens getting married.

Which is a pity.

Shopping: most Chasidish girls are not redt shidduchim before they are 18, at least not in the US. And for the few that get engaged at 17, they don’t usually get married before 18. Maybe in your Israeli Chasidish circles it’s different, but redting at 15 sounds extreme.

Sparkly, your comment to Shopping 613 was really rude and inappropriate. If you can’t come up with a response to someone else’s arguments, putting them down is definitely an immature approach to take.

Moderators -since you edited her post, I’m wondering why you let that comment pass.

29: I was hoping to keep the insults to a minimum. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Thanks for working so hard! Mods rock. BTW do you get paid to do this job? I mean…the annoying ads everywhere must make some sort of money lol. (Well I don’t see them anymore, I have adblocker 🙂

On a side note – Nobody needs to be introduced to that stuff. I don’t want you be the source of people googling garbage.

Back to the subject though, I wonder why 29 didn’t delete it. Oh wait, you didn’t delete it becuase you want a rebuttal? Shame on you 29. lol. Too bad.I was editing from my phone and figured I’d delete it. When I got to the bottom I decided to edit with a warning but had forgotten about the beginning. Sorry – 29

Is the question when should a boy get married? The answer is when the girl agrees.Likewise the girl can’t get married until the boy asks her. They should both be prepared to support themselves without relying on their parents. Far to often they rely on their parent to resolve problems but many times in-laws get involved and it results in divorce.

lesschumras, nowadays, most people are not able to support themselves yet when they get married, and in many communities, it is accepted that the parents help out. That might not be the accepted practice in your community, but in a community where it is, there is nothing wrong with someone getting married at 17.

Keep in mind that nowadays, it can take many years until someone is earning enough to support a family, since you first have to go to school for many years and then it can take a while to build up your career.

Sparkly – I don’t think Shopping613 meant to insult you. I think that she seriously thought you were a teenager. I believe she also referred to herself as a teenager, so she clearly did not think it was a negative statement.

If you feel insulted by something someone says, you should let them know instead of coming up with ways to insult them back. You might find out that you totally misunderstood them and they had no idea that you felt hurt by what they said.

Shopping girl, in Israel , at 18 you’re either in the army or in yeshiva. In the US, most jobs an 18 year old can get are minimum wage with no benefits.

Sparkly, I understand why that was offensive to you, but at the same time, I think you should understand that Shopping613 had no way of knowing that you would be offended by her comment (since she was sure it was the truth). If you did in fact feel offended, it makes sense to let her know politely since she has no way of knowing o/w.

btw, people always think that I am way younger than I am (since I both look and sound young). Even though it is a compliment (because it is based on the fact that I look young), it is hard not to be slightly insulted sometimes. But I understand that they are basing it on my appearance and my voice and my style of speech and that it has absolutely no bearing on my intelligence or maturity.

In this case as well, I think that Shopping613 was referring to your style of speech, and that does not reflect on your intelligence or maturity. In fact, some people consider it a maaleh to have a youthful manner of speaking.

But again, the main point is that Shopping613 did not mean to offend you and had no way of knowing that it would be offensive.

People get married throughout seminar. You can go to seminar while married. My point is pushing money issues aside, since everyone has their own idea and support- why else is a 17/18 yr old not mature enough to marry?

Am I the only one who has heard that Jewish men and women get married early because they have “certain urges” that can only be fulfilled in the context of marriage?

I had a religious friend who explained to me that that’s what he was taught. I have heard this before from other sources of authority as well. It’s not about maturity. It’s about keeping sex and unions holy, where marriage is the only proper setting during appropriate halachic times.

Furthermore, my rabbi explained that getting married at a young age is preferable because the husband and wife grow together (Chabad Rabbi 4yr ago). Again, it’s not about maturity. Marriage allows two individuals to re-unite [their souls] and mature together towards the same goals, with the same values.

He said that when people wait to get married, it is harder for them to adjust to living with someone else (which I can only imagine right now).

When I asked the [his] rebbetzin about why she had children, she said that it wasn’t something to think about. There was no question, “It’s not like I decided or thought about it. We have children” (Chabad Rebbetzin last Pesach).

Along those lines, it seems like being married is normal. If someone is of marriageable age, one gets married to the most suitable partner. One does not need to be “ready” to get married per se.

Sparkly: The question asked “What is a normal age to get married?”

People answered the question with debates about the pros and cons of getting married earlier (late teens), slightly later (early twenties), as well as later according to one’s readiness.

I am not judging “where the problem sets in” here.

I referred to my friend as “religious” to maintain anonymity. I guess that I could have called him simply a “friend.” However I did not. By stating that he was/is “religious” I meant to say that he internalized those teachings and married accordingly.

At that point, I believe that both he and his wife felt ready. Of course “being ready” is not something that I can define, nor ever prove of someone else. Still, there is merit to concept and practice of establishing a partnership, marriage, early on in life. Though I am not one who can personally attest to this. Nonetheless, in healthy relationships/marriages, having one’s spouse’s support, or back, can foster one’s development in new heights.

More explanation:

From the outside at least, he is more religious than I. I have more non-religious friends that are married than vice versa. You asked me if I was not religious. That is a good question that I cannot answer definitively and thank G-d because there is always room for growth.

You said: “I have consistently thought that maybe i would wait to have kids after i got married but the stage im at now i think im ready” (Sparkly).

Are you saying that you are married and no longer want to wait to have children?

… Also, doesn’t Judaism emphasize love coming after marriage? It sounds like there is an assumption that young marriages result with someone marrying someone of whom one “doesnt really like” (Sparkly).

Surely there are plenty of young marriages that were coerced, and/or the spouse turns out to be less compatible than anticipated. Sometimes one feels pressured to marry, and ends up bringing too much baggage into the relationship. There are numerous scenarios that can lead to unfortunate results.

What if someone is not ready to “settle down” (Sparkly)? Do we, does Hashem, permit us to date (with all the physical transgressions) until we are finally ready?

Some would say that summing up early marriages as problematic would be like telling G-d that His plan doesn’t work. Or maybe one is turning his or her back on the rabbis and tradition. There is a paradox here. Marrying early comes with risks. Marrying later exposes one to more opportunities to transgress. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I thought that kabbalistic texts emphasize the need for the male and female to unite.

What if one’s desire to wait until he or she is ready is a misunderstanding of the way things work? Maybe feeling “not ready” is really an indication that one has a feeling of missing something. That something might be his or her soulmate.

For the record, I brought up the points in my post because I see the merits and depth in taking the plunge by getting married at a younger age. IMO some see getting married at a young age as something to do for Hashem and fulfill one’s purpose in life. I know someone else who is getting married because Hashem commanded it.

Today we live in a world that idealizes individual self-actualization. Being “ready” may be part of one’s quest towards independence. That said, are there not young people who see marriage as a way to break free and take control of one’s life?

There is validity in saying that getting married is no solution to controlling one’s urges or to find a way to become an adult (by cleaving to one’s spouse).

Yet what is the alternative for someone here?

Is it to be celibate? Repress the urges so much that they manifest into some unhealthy habit or distraction?

Date without intention to get married?

Transgress, breaking shomer negiah?

Move out and live with other singles or by oneself, and hold off on getting married until one feels more established (emotionally, financially, etc…)?

Avoiding intimacy until one is married may not be ideal. Someone may spend time feeling ready, only to enter a marriage feeling like he or she doesn’t really need anyone (because he or she has been living on one’s own for long enough). Marriage at least offers one opportunities to enhance intimacy, with mediums and modes of affection. If one keeps TH with peace of mind, then one can reduce the chances of having the guilt-trips that come with pre-marital transgressions.

I don’t know. Everyone is different. Normal is relative.

Thank you

I am straight out of high school, but again age is relative. Some people have blissful life up until marriage and even afterwards and some people have a hard life from the moment they are born. In any case, I don’t travel now, and my friends and I don’t “go out” as much as you americans do. Israeli girls in general are known to be more mature than americans.

Seminaries often compare shana gimmel (sometime sshana bet) americans to (american) israelis coming out of high school. They are correct, and this is the basis for why american seminaries won’t accept girls that made aliyah if they’ve been here for over a year.

I don’t know where you come from but here, we don’t just have fun. Most girls pay for all their clothing starting from 10th and 11th grade, also for school supplies too. If girls want to travel to Europe, they have to pay for it all themselves. A lot of girls also are in charge of putting their younger siblings to bed, dressing them, and doing a lot more than teenagers do in the USA. Plus what is the point of having some etra years of fun? That’s not your tafkid in this world. It’s a waste of time.

what’s Yavniel?

Yes I can. Plus it takes 2-3 years for you to have everything set in….you may only have a kids in the end of the 1st or 2nd year…

Sparkly: “shopping 613 – can you see yourself married and pregnat and having so much responsibilities? like paying bills, doing laundry, cooking, but every day not allowed to stop?”

Many girls do those things for years before they are married, and if they are doing it already, they may as well do it in their own homes. For some girls who have a lot of responsibilities, marriage is a break because there are no kids to take care of for at least the first year.

lightbrite: Also, doesn’t Judaism emphasize love coming after marriage? It sounds like there is an assumption that young marriages result with someone marrying someone of whom one “doesnt really like” (Sparkly).

Not exactly. It’s not that we emphasize “love coming after marriage”. It’s that most people don’t really understand the concept of “love” until after they are married. What we think we mean by “falling in love” takes on a whole different meaning after one is married. I remember reading (either in Dr. Wikler’s book Bayis Ne’man Byisroel or Rabbi Kaplan’s book Made in Heaven) about a person saying that young people “think” they are in love. Ask couples who are married 50 years and they will tell you how they know they are in love.

My main point here that no one understands is the ALL OF KLAL YISROEL ARE DIFFRENT. My biggest peeve is when people generalize, instead of saying “marryig at 17 can’t work” say “marrying at 17 can’t work for ME. Or for the people I hang around with”

– Not everyone beleives in college from the get go, as there are modern ideas

– Not every girl wants to make parnassah, I know many people that feel strongly it is the mens job and if they get something, they are workingto get out, something for a few hours that is easy and takes little time to learn

– Not everyone wants to live a life of a doctor or lawyer. If you husband is in kollel ALL day or working all day, and you are a DOCTOR who is going to watch the neshomas Hashem gave you? A babysitter you won’t trust to take care of your diamond ring but trsut to take care of your neshomos?!?

– Not everyone is on the same maturity level

– Spiritual leevel

– Not everyone needs a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house. Some will live in a2 bedroom with 10 kids, and that’s okay.

-Not eveyrone finds being single “fun”. Some people think it’s a waste of time. Some people don’t have the luxury or going out for finacial reasons, or maybe it just isn’t done, or people feel life was meant for something more than having an extra year to travel.

– Not everyone thinks marriage is friendship (the past few issues of AMI covered this topic, it ISNT friendship)

– Not everyone need to watch movies, know about movies, or have tons of romance in their lives. Reality check, boys aren’t romantic. Not for hours on end. God didn’t make them that way.

Please, all I’m saying is there are different, mentalities, people, worlds apart. So don’t judge. Don’t generalize. Ever

Thread closed.

That’s exactly why you can’t generalize everyone and say, “nope, this idea can’t work for ANY JEW”

BTW: It’s not just me that thinks that, the seminaries won’t accept girls whom live here because of that, and every single person I know who lives here agrees.