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What exactly is the point of marriage? I know this sounds like a real juvenile question but it is something I really don’t understand. I know we don’t marry just for the heck of it, rather because marriage is something that we are commanded to do. Now, if that is true than why do so many people feel so unfulfilled in a marriage if the point of it is not to serve your spouse rather to serve God?
I’m not sure I understand your question, but if you’re solely looking at marriage from the perspective of avodas Hashem, you should still recognize that it serves that function only as much as it’s a properly functioning, “fulfilling” marriage.
Mostly, though, we’re human beings, and despite our idealism, we have real emotional needs, such as to feel appreciated and cherished.
What’s the point of anything? Married is a good way to live a life, Hashem gave us marriage and told us to do it. That doesn’t mean everything is wonderful all the time. Why should it?
should your emotional needs come before your spiritual fulfillment of Hashem’s commandment
It’s a prerequisite, because someone whose emotional needs are not met will usually not be able to serve Hashem properly.
It doesn’t have to be either/or. Many of Hashem’s commandments also make us feel good. There’s nothing wrong with that. When you get married, you should do it a) because Hashem wants you to and b) because you want to. You should NOT get married to someone if you don’t genuinely personally want to do it, thinking it’s a pious thing to do. It’s not. You have to really be emotionally committed to it, or it won’t work.
No, it can’t just “be skipped”. What I mean is that a) you should not get married until you’re really ready and b) you should not get married to the wrong guy just for the sake of getting married.
“Married is a good way to live a life
heretohelp: Depends on who you ask.”
Hashem and his Torah? Good enough source for me.
For a compelling answer to the OP’s question, and a very effective shalom bayis guide, see Garden of Peace by R’ Shalom Arush (there are different versions for men and women.) For men at least, it is a must-read, because most people have misconceptions, or points of ignorance, regarding shalom bayis (including regarding the ultimate purpose of marriage) that cause problems in this area.
Married life is amazing! the best way to find out is watch and learn from happily married couples. HKB”H created the world in such a perfect way and marriage allows you to connect and build a life along with someone you love very much.
I don’t understand how this seemingly YESHIVA world news can post such inappropriate blogs. Hashem yishmor!
Whats inappropriate?
Yeah, what’s inappropriate? Questions are not inappropriate.
What’s inappropriate is the education which left the OP needing to resort to this forum for answers to this question.
I heard in a lecture by R’ Orlofsky that the purpose is to build a dwelling place for Hashem. The couple makes their home holy like a miny mishkan. And they raise the generation to do so too
Im gonna call Troll
What do you mean? Perhaps she is embarrassed to asked married people she knows, or is trying to get an array of different answers seeing as we are all very different here.
I think people’s emotional needs need to be met to serve HaShem, but in some cases that is not possible and one must turn to HaShem for his/her needs for help.
This is a very deep answer and I suggest you ask a teacher in your school.
edited
not a troll at all i agree with logician that a lot of questions wont be asked simply because the person asking will be mocked that is very sad, questions like these need to be answered and teenagers should have a way to ask their questions without fear.
Crazybrit, I can only guess that you don’t understand the question.
I’m not assuming that if these questions were directed to her parents/teachers/whatever they would not respond accordingly.
The question is why we tell young people to date and get engaged, and only then wake up to start explaining what its all about. Which leaves us with the common, sad reality of the wrong criteria and understanding going into the method of dating and choosing..
I hope the question is philosophical. Most of the world marries without having in mind any Mitzva. As for your Kavana, just as in anything we do, we should do it Leshem Shamayim. When we eat, we should have in mind the perspective that we are fulfilling Hashem’s plan and will.
As we see in the Torah, and as is self evident, we were created with this design, that we marry and are part of families. Some animals do it this way and some don’t. We were meant to do be this way. When it is lacking, the effects are visible.
Just like you can philosiphize about why we cry, why crying needs tears, why we laugh, why we vomit when we see something wrong (but only a certain type of wrong — as opposed to another type of wrong that makes us laugh), why we sleep, what is a wink, how do you remember, and so on; you can ponder the essense of family, too. You can come up with 25 reasons and the more philosophical the reason the less you’ll like it. However, this shouldn’t have anything to do with your real life decisions.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking questions like this. Nor do I think it reflects on bad Chinuch. Cheap answers reflect on a bigger problem than asking a normal question. Daas Yochid’s answer, in my opinion, hit the needle on the head about the point he addressed.
streekgeek,
Of course, from a non religious standpoint, the purpose of marriage is to create a loving environment in which individuals can love and care for each other. According to this approach, marriage is more of a tool to create a commitment from both spouses and is not necessarily integral to the goal of creating a loving and caring environment. Of course, the non religious approach has little meaning (as your question implied) and is also risky as breakups and divorces are much more common.
Not A Troll, than I appologiSe!
I just supposed that most people have whom to speak to about their needs, wants and commitments.
Hatzlocho ☺
Why is there pressure to get married sooner rather than later is a different question from why get married at all.
If you accept the premise that you should get married at some point, the pressure to do it now probably comes from the sometimes correct and other times mistaken that doing it earlier will result in a better marriage. That’s sometimes correct, as I think it is easier for younger people less set in their ways to fuse together and build a household together. If one of both is not ready though, it is a recipie for disaster.
So to answer the question why is there so much pressure from your parents to get married, it is because that is what parents do, have always done and will always do.
While someone is young with many single friends they are at the climax of fun-life. At this point they cannot fathom why to move on. Is pays to move on before figuring it out, though.
No, it is not the next step toward free fun, as going from high school to out-of-school was. It is the next stage in life. It is like going from playing all day to going to school. You are afraid to move ahead but you don’t want to go back.
i would understand it as a fear of the unknown, once you stop and realise that its just the unknown you are scared of you can plunge into whatever course your life takes you including of course taking into account your parents and mentors advice (and your good gut feelings!)
streek, I’m hearing the question I asked just a few short years ago. (I am bh now happily married with a beautiful baby)
A – Marriage, in all honesty, does not make sense. Why would anyone want to commit themselves like that? Why would anyone want to be tied down to a spouse and family? Work for them, cook for them, care for them, bathe… it’s endless. Well, firstly, Hashem created us human beings to WANT to get married. But what if you don’t want to, like you said? I didn’t either want to get married at a certain point. But then I suddenly did. Why? Human nature, my friend. But if you want to go from a philosophical point of view, then here goes:
B – We are not meant to lead a selfish life. When one marries, it is an excellent opportunity to work on one’s middos. Middos you thought just didn’t bother anyone, is suddenly far from ok. And that is why were here. So marriage does bring you closer to your goal. Also, it says in the Torah that one should be fruitful and have kids, meaning we should build the coming generations.
In a nutshell: the reason we marry, from a Torah perspective, is to better ourselves and build our nation (Ofc, those who can’t marry or have kids have diff cheshbonos which I dont know of)
Sorry, I don’t have the time to get deeper into this, but I hope this answered at least some of your qs.
Good luck!
Your neighbor’s wife won’t feel competitive to bake you better cookies if you don’t have a wife.
That seems like reason enough to me.
Cool, observanteen posted. Didn’t know he still read YWN.
StreetGeek,
People are social creatures. Besides for the obvious physical needs that are fulfilled by a Marriage there is something about living with, being loved by, and loving a loyal companion of the opposite gender AND being secure in it, that fills a necessary emotional and psychological need; and that’s all besides the fact that is a Mitzva.
If the only reason someone feels fulfilled in a Marriage is because it is a Mitzvah or because they are serving Hashem by being married (both of which happen to be true) that is indicative of some pretty deep issues-it shouldn’t be even remotely that way.
That being said if you really feel your aren’t ready you probably shouldn’t do it. One thing you should take into consideration is that there are solutions you can find that many Rabbonim will allow like birth control etc. that will lessen the radical changes in your life that take place after marriage.
I personally found marriage to be a less radical change then I thought it would be, and that’s despite my having to go to work right after straight from Yeshiva but that could just be due to my wife’s and my personalities and may not be indicative of the “marriage experience” in general
So wait until you want to.
Tou probably will just frustrate yourself if you date when in the back of your mind you don’t even want to get married.
Besides, will you tell that to guys you are dating? You’d better! You’d be rightfully mad if they withheld that from you.
Finding one’s zivug is not a race. If you’re not ready, don’t do it.
Please try to find yourself before dating that’s crucial for yourself and you’re wasting a guys time.
Parents might pressure you, but I can’t imagine your parents pressuring you into marriage which is a life commitment!
Marriage is wonderful and Iy”H you should build a BNB with your lucky chosson when youre ready!
Wow. So the issue really is pressure to date indiscriminately, understood as an overly strong emphasis on marrying right away. Not a question why marriage is important. OhhhhK.
The point of marriage is to be married.
They are telling you it is because it’s a Mitzva because they hear you arguing with them and they want to give you an authoritative reply that would be the last word. It’s another way of saying, because I said so. They obviously feel that it is time to get married. Marriage is as much a part and stage in life as school is at that age. Sure it’s more comfortable to stay put, but the clock doesn’t.
Streetgeek- I don’t really understand what you don’t understand. Do you not understand that marriage is a mitzvah? Or do you not understand why it is a mitzvah?
If the only reason you are getting married is because it’s a Mitzvah, then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. And if you are, the person you are marrying has to at least know that’s the reason and accept it.
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