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Have you ever written a letter to anybody but didn’t send it? I wrote many letters expressing my anger, frustration, anguish and sorrow. But I haven’t sent them for various reasons. I think this is a good place to share them. Anyone?
Observanteen
I have actually read and heard that doing this i.e. writing letters to express your feelings is very helpful as a method to deal with overwhelming feelings of anger hatred or hurt and similar emotions.
Go right ahead
Rabbi Noach Orlowek SHLIT”A, a noted mashgiach in Eretz Yisrael, gave this as a piece of advice to help vent. He said exactly what you said (I heard it live)- Write a letter stating your frustrations. Write evrything that’s bothering you…but don’t send it. Just writing it will make you view the situation differently (without emotions blurring your vision) and you’ll begin to positively find ways to be dan them l’kaf zechus. Keep it up!!
Just writing the letter is more than enough in most cases to relieve the anger and frustration. Once the letter is written and you reread it, you realize that you already feel better and there is no reason to mail it.
Dear Abby (I think) once recommended that, to write a letter expressing ALL of your hurt, anger, frustration, even cursing the person out. THEN – tear the letter up and write a civilized letter that makes the same points, but more respectfully, and reasonably and send THAT one.
I’ve typed up many letters/essays in my life (concerning quite a few difficulties) that I’ve never intended to show anyone. Some I no longer have, and some I have but I am actually scared to read. I would sometimes sit down and just type for hours, letting out all my emotions. More recently, though, I’ve conveyed my emotions through writing music, and that, I HAVE shared with people.
Observanteen: I give you credit for dealing with anger and frustration in this fashion. You get everything off your chest and nobody is harmed or insulted. After reading your letter, I must say that your “anger” is very mild. If I were to write such a letter I think that I would use much stronger language (I don’t mean swearing) that would say exactly what I feel. Even if you had actually mailed that letter you really have said nothing that you might regret at a later date. I am quite impulsive at times and if my hypothetical letter were mailed, I do believe that the recipient would be extremely angry with me and probably would never speak to me again. I give you top marks for being so logical and mild, even in your anger. Yasher kocha (I believe that is how it is said in the feminine form) to you.
I once wrote a letter to our previous housekeeper who was doing things that upset me. My husband encouraged me to write the letter and he made it into a big joke and suggested I write things in the extreme (she didn’t know what was clean clothing or dirty, so he said to write that she should smell it!). Well, it was for our eyes only, for me to get my frustration off my chest. Problem was, I forgot to rip it up. Guess who found it!?! She was flabbergasted until I convinced her that I would never speak to her that way, let alone have those expectations of her. She finally forgave me. Bottom line: be careful, and make sure you discard it, or the therapeutic gain will be lost on the new issue you might bring into your life!!
I once wrote a letter to someone who got me very upset and I actually sent it. I really regreted it after, and I had to convince my friend that I was very angry when I wrote it and that I didn1t really mean it.bh we ended up making up and we are still friends today., I learnt my lesson that if I would write a letter like that in the future I would NOT send it. because next time i may not be so lucky and might actually lose a friend.
I blog my letters… but I don’t think that the moderators will allow the name of the blog here. it’s done all under a fake name and fake everything. i don’t use real names or anything like that, and i just use letters to talk about whom i;m referring to.. the email address isn’t real either, so it’s almost impossible (I say almost because nothing is impossible) to track me… but it’s very healthy emotionally
A Rebbetzin in my neighborhood once told a friend of mine who was having an issue “never put anything in writing, you never know when it will come back to haunt you”. That was very, very good advice. And that was in a situation where she was willing to apologize for something that she wasn’t even in the wrong about. The Rebbetzin told her tell her your sorry if you wish just for the sake of Shalom but don’t put it in a letter because if things don’t work out, she could use that as an admission of guilt and use it against you.
The power of the pen is something to be very careful about, even if you mean to do good. One must be very careful with their words and what they choose to relate.
i post all my angry letters on a blog which i keep private. that way if i ever need to i can send a link. ive only showed it to someone once…that went well lol
i have a diary called “dear ___” (a close friends name) and when s/t is bothering me i write it down there as if i was talking to her. i started in sem cuz i was in the US and she was in E”Y and the $$$$ for calls was out of my budget. and at the same time as i wrote in the diary if there was a big issue i wrote it in a letter. when the letter was over 10 pages, THEN i mailed it. now we are both home but i still have my diary, which i carry in my school bag and write in it when i get really frustrated and cant tell teh source of frustration. IMHO, writing it down does wonders even if the prob isnt solved.
I have a hard time letting go of relationships, especially in situations where the other party needs help. I know i wasnt the one who should be giving advice in the following situation, so i wrote this letter:
Dear _____,
I know you are in a difficult situation now, and therefore i am writing you this letter with as much sensitivity as i possiblly can.
I wrote this immediately after the letter you sent me with all your ‘grand plans’. That letter you sent me tore my heart to shreds and with those pain filled shreds, I write this letter.
You know i love your children almost as much as i love my own.
Why?! Why?! Why have you chosen to leave the right path? Why do you strive to hurt your children in the long run? Dont you see that your children are suffering?! Dont you see that if you continue this way you will destroy them?! Please! Please stop this! Its not too late! I am willing to be there for you if i was able to, just like i was until now!! And i am only unable to because of your selfishness and pettiness!
I am in such pain as i write this. I know i may hurt you with this letter but only because it is the truth! You are tearing them apart! You are ruining your life! How many more people do you need to tell you this?! How much longer will you fill your children with the terrible things that you do?! Why must they suffer because of your mistake?!
I hope G-d gives you a wake up call.
aries-i really agree with your Rebbetzin-there is nothing more damaging than the written word if used by the wrong people in the wrong circumstances
observanteen – you are an amazing person, i see you constantly growing from your comments in the CR and really want to pat you on the back – it is not easy to move forward, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Stay cool – this situation is part of your past- move on.
I would write to a lot of people but I think mainly Hashem.
My advice is that one should never write anything that they wouldn’t want read in open court.
“… never write anything that they wouldn’t want read in open court.”
or in the open heavenly court….
i used to write a diary when i was around 22-23 because i couldnt talk to anyone about the things that happend to me at that time. i wasnt carefull enough and it got into the wrong hands and caused alot of troubles…i did write alot since then too but no diary really just thoughts but erased everything after some time…the thing is that i still have some stuff i wrote long ago and realized i write the same style, language(mix of a few)and also some thoughts have not changed
we shouldn’t write loshon hora either. That being said, maybe it’s ok l’toeles, but one should be very careful, other people we didn’t intend to read it, discover written material accidently, whether written by pen or hidden on computer.
observanteen, your letter was so touching, what a great idea for a thread!
Miritchte, that’s a moving letter..
Talking of being careful what you put on paper – i once wrote something very personal and a very close friend got to see it .. she was terrified! But still i find it a great way to express oneself and do it all the time..
i wrote this to a friend.. May G-d have mercy ..
Chaya,
I’m writing on paper to you, words that i could never say to you, or let you know.
Chaya,
Where are you? What’s happening to you? How i wish for your happiness! How i wish for your pain to go, for you not to feel so alone, so unbearabley alone.
I watch from afar, i know you’re struggling. I know that life is a constant battle, a constant fight. And i know you are strong. You are strong and you can win. If only you will continue to fight.
I understand, i understand without really understanding anything at all.
The whirlpool is confusing, it’s so overwhelming, it’s taken it’s wings and spread itself over you.
I know that you feel you are under.
And that you have no address, nobody to turn to..
The only real Address is beyond your grip at the moment. You don’t see, you cannot see how you can possibly turn to G-d at all. Yiddishkeit is only a side issue for you.
And so you continue to struggle, to battle the tides of confusion and pain, to face day to day life in a world that has gone against you, where those you love most have hurt you the most. I wish i could speak to your parents, to beg them to understand you and believe you, to believe in you!
Chaya, i know you have the strength to fight. You have questions, you have doubts – but above all, is the pain. i know you have it hard to express yourself, you always have. You’ve come along way since those days we used to spend together. You understood me in a way that many people don’t and didn’t.
I don’t know if you’re still hoping, Chaya, and i know that you don’t care to know – but i will still hope for you. And i will do the one thing that will help you – i will pray to G-d to have mercy on you, to show you a way out of the pain and lead you to have some connection with him..
With love,
Hey thanks obsevanteen, you sound like somebody i’d love to meet too!
You’re letter is so beautifully written.. it conveys so much! Sometimes it’s hard to feel that people do understand somewhat – but you’ve done a great job showing that you do ? May G-d send his light down to everybody quick!
observant you may laugh at me but such a letter or a person telling me this was what i needed but didnt have…only my diary…its wonderful written and one can see you know what youre talking about and that you care
observan and princess I just read the last 2 letters posted and I think they r lovely. I think u should send them. They show so much care love and concern, and that can really do wonders for a person a need. Even if they r not interested in ur words, showing u care can really help a person get through rough patches and do alot of good
I had a teacher in high school who said that there’s a possibility that keeping a diary could be considered Lashon Hara, even if it’s not accessible to anyone but the writer. She explained that sometimes you vent in a diary and if you read it years later, you may be reminded of old hurts which were long forgotten and dredge up hard feelings that had long been resolved. And she’s right! I recently read some diary entries from years ago and I was reminded of fights I had had at the time and injustices done by people in my life. It did stir up some resentment and therefore, I’m having a hard time reconciling the right way to go about writing, with its therapeutic ability, and the possibility that it will be harmful if read somewhere down the line? Maybe the best would be to write and then dispose of it?
observanteen: in response to why i didnt send it. i cant. i dont want to give out any identifying information so i’ll try to tell you teh situation. A very close family friend has a son that got married, had children, then got divorced. During thier short marriage, i got to be very close with this particular daughter in law. After they got divorced, she started to change. Gradually at first, but then more boldly. She no longer covers her hair (which is not something i can judge, but i doubt she got a heter), does not dress tznius, sends her children to public school, doesnt teach them any Jewish topics, has a goy as a boyfriend and let him move in, and i could go on and on…
At first she was talking to me but because of my and my families long time relationship with her ex’s family, she chose to ignore me and will have nothing to do with me…
Recently i wrote the following letter. Understand that this letter was written a few months ago at a moment of utter frustration and anger at this woman. I know that its during aseres y’mei t’shuva now, and believe me when i say i’m working on myself not to hate her. Again this letter was written a while ago.:
________,
I dont even know what to say anymore. Well who cares what i have to say because YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT! How could you do what you are doing?! How could you live with yourself?!
There are so many couples that want but cant have children and you take yours and let them be abused physically, emotionally, and spiritually! HOW DARE YOU! You are not fit to be a human being let alone a mother! You told me time and again that you are doing the best you can but let’s cut to the chase, your talk is garbage! You dont give a hoot about your children! You just used me to get sympathy and validate your wrongdoings! well guess what! I dont care about you any more! I dont care what happens to you! I hope social services sees beneath your dirty little act and takes the children away from you!
And lastly, I hope G-d gives you more than a wake up call…
observanteen – thanks for sharing! Maybe i’ll share too..
It’s such a warm letter, how is she doing now? You write so well, keep posting as much as you’re willing to share!
Miritchka, i’m sorry it has come to this. I can imagine it’s extremely difficult to be in this, to watch somebody close to you do this. Keep writing the thoughts and hurt out. May G-d send her and all the rest of klal yisroel his light and show us the purpose and truth to follow his ways.
I hope it gets easier for you too. Lets just keep praying!
observanteen- great letter. you are so sweet and understanding. you really covered all bases in your letter and gave lots of advice without being pushy and forceful.
miritchka- i know someone who also got divorced and is not not really frum anymore and she has 3 children. so sad though. the father is still frum!
adorable: I thought it was uncommon for a frum woman, or rather anyone frum, who was married, to go off the derech like that. Unfortunately it seems like it may be more common that I’d like to think…:(
I can cry when I think about this women and her children. the father really wants to do the right thing but he’s sort of bound and trapped in this. he has lots of friends who are in the same boat so its def not uncommon. I am gonna cry so no more talking about it.
“I am gonna cry so no more talking about it.”
The ???? ???? are open, cry with a Tehillim and may Hashem answer your pleas.
true. Whenever I cry about something really insignificant I try to change those tears for moshiach
adorable: you are an inspiration.
omg why thank you but why is that?
“Whenever I cry about something really insignificant I try to change those tears for moshiach”
reread your post, adorable, and you’ll figure out why you are such an inspiration.
to you too? wow thanks you guys really are great for my self esteem!
dear _______,
every time i met you since I got engaged I felt a little sad for you, but now that your best friend (who’s my very good friend too) is getting engaged, when I meet you I come home and cry. I know you guys are like sisters and it must be not normally painful for you to watch your 4 friends get married so fast and be left behind. You are the most wonderful girl and will be a great mother and wife but the world seemed to have forgot you. You are the youngest child and therefor your parents might not be that actively involved in your shidduchim but dont forget that Hashem did not forget you and HE is actively involved in your shidduchim. I have anyone very close friend who is also single still and its very hard for her too. she has ONE good friend who’s still single and her father is totally not intuned to the “shidduch” scene. I cannot tell you how much I daven for both of you. I know your parents are not the ones that bring your zivug and its not because all of our parents were active that we are getting married. Its because Hashem sent us our chossanim at this time. but yours will come. You are a worthy person and you will show that to the world very soon when you are given a chance. I know you feel like no one remembers you because you are not being redt that many shidduchim but dont forget that the only one who needs to rem you is your father in heaven and I promise you HE didnt forget you!!! I daven all the time for you and I beg Hashem that you should at least be engaged by the time your best friend gets married. We did not forget you even though we are engaged. we just shop together sometimes because its convenient and we all need the same things. Be happy that you are not going out with a zillion guys that are totally not for you. If you were going out a lot, it would be emotionally draining but sitting and waiting is draining too. I have no more words of chizuk for you but please dont give up hope and dont think we forgot you and we are trying out best to make you realize that we care about you and we will be friends even when we get married no matter what. you are still part of the group.
signing off with a heavy heart,
your friend
(no I am not your best friend, and we were only friendly in HS but I still wanna tell you this!)
Adorable, this is such a touching letter and shows such a wonderful personality of the writer. The chizuk is also that there are people like this, who still care and pray for others, and considering it’s almost yom kippur – keep us all in mind!!
And i’m really glad that you’re part of those who ARE engaged!
this is a letter that I havent yet gotten up the courage to send
Dear _____________,
before I tell you what I have to, I want you to know that I love you. Even after everything thats happened, I still think of you as the happy innocent girl I once knew. This past year has been a very hard one for you. Your family situation was not so great and yet you told no one. You kept it to yourself and maybe thats why you did what you did. Maybe thats why you made the friends you did. I watched as you kept slipping further and farther away from those who truly cared about you. I cried for you and davened for you as I watched you change. Your skirts became shorter, your necklines lower and your overall attitude was indifferent. Me and your other friends could do nothing but watch you slip away.Maybe I’m being overdramatic but this is how i felt. We tried to pretend that everything was okay but it really was not.
The situation kept on getting worse, yet we did nothing. One day I was shopping with you. You told me you wanted to quickly check the shoe section so I went to try things on. When I cam out of the dressing room, you were done with the shoes and you went to try things on. After I had paid and we left the store, I noticed that you had taken something without paying for it and you were trying to hide it from me. It was impossible that you had done it by mistake but just to make sure I asked if there was anything you liked in the store and you said no.I said nothing. I went home that night and cried myself to sleep. I thought that maybe the situation would get better by itself so I still did nothing. Then you got involved with guys and things just got worse. But I didnt know what to do or say so I just kept quiet. Baruch hashem (to make a long letter short) someone in the community found out and tried to help you. Today you are doing way better and only your close friends know what you went through. The thing is, you still dont know that we know what went on so we have never talked about it.
It’s before Yon Kippur now and i feel that I have to ask you for mechilah. What happened to you was partly my fault. If only I would have said something sooner, maybe everything could have been avoided. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything you went through. I’m sorry you had to do it on your own. I’m sorry I was too scared to say something. I’m sorry. i hope you can forgive me for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I want you to know that I’m your friend and I’m there for you. Please try to understand that I thought that doing nothing was the best thing to do.
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