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In general, what should b spoken about on what number date and when do you start getting more serious?
Please don’t reply that it all depends and that there are no rules I’m asking in general :)) thanks
???? “what you need to know about marriage” by rabbi nachum diamant he has a chapter in the back on shidduchim explaining that there are 3 stages in dating and each stage can take a few dates. it all depends on the couple. generally stage1- is informational. stage 2- is hashkafa and having deeper conversations. stage 3- is talking about marriage practically. Good Luck!
Don’t listen to anyone who says that its different for each person or that it depends on situation.
Like anything else in life, the important things are standard.
We all need to eat. All need to drink. Doesn’t anyone say, oh, eating? Depends on the situation.
Does anyone say, oh, sleeping? That’s not for everyone.
Does anyone say, oh, getting married, that’s not for everyone.
There are real solid answers for what you should discuss at every step, and don’t let the ignoramouses confuse you.
Here are some guidelines:
Date 1: Where she went to seminary, what he does in the summer, what she works at or goes to school for, siblings names ages and what they do, weather.
Date 2: Why she went to that seminary, why he does that in the summer, why she works or goes to school there, whether they like the siblings, weather.
Date 3: Why she hated that seminary, why he hates what he does in the summer, why she hates where she works or goes to school, who their sibling hate, complain about the weather.
Date 4: Why she hates herself, why he hates himself, why everyone at work or school hates her, why your siblings hate you, why you hate the weather.
Date 5: Who her therapist is, who his therapist is, which medications he takes in the summer, which medications she takes at work or school, which medications their siblings take, seasons affective disorder.
Date 6: Why her therapist say she should like herself and be happy, why his therapist says he should like himself and be happy, why his medications make him happy, why her medications make her happy, why their siblings therapists blah blah blah, picture the weather in the Bahamas.
Date 7: Why she likes him, why he likes her, why he likes her work or school, why she likes his summer, why you like your siblings, why you like the weather.
Date 8: Money.
Date 9: L’chaim! Od Yishama!
There are no hard rules. Everyone’s different.
For example, I used to have both of us bring our therapists on the dates. They talked about weather, seminary, summers, money, etc., while we would drink beer and shoot pool.
On the first date, you talk about family and Israel. On the second date, you discuss Israel. By the third date, you should both know each other pretty well already, so talk about something else before Israel. On the fourth date, you talk about living in Israel. On the fifth, you take off your tie so she could see the real you and that’s a big enough step that you don’t have to talk about anything else. On the sixth date, you’re back to Israel again, but you could repeat everything you said on previous dates since it’s the next stage. From the sixth on, the shadchan will call you after each date asking if you’re all talked-out of Israel, and when both sides say yes, it’s engagement time. During engagement, depending on how frum you are, you’ll probably find yourself talking to your fiance and basically you just review all your dates in scrutinizing detail.
1. Do you use Plastic Table cloths on Shabbis
2. Why didn’t you go to —- seminary… my sister went!
3. What ever you think is appropaite
The three ‘F’s.
what?
Food, Family and Philosophy.
First couple of dates are pretty much school, yeshiva, Israel stories, family, work, college…
Third date is like the first 2 but more relaxed. And you can have the music/movies conversation. What you do and the hashkafic reasons behind it. But other than that, don’t get too into hashkafa until the fourth date.
Fourth date you can talk about where you’d want to live, what kind of home you want to build…
Fifth date you talk about all the whys from the date before.
Sixth date you should already try to be opening up more- maybe saying something a little more personal or something that might make you feel vulnerable.
And then from there you really shouldn’t have to plan conversation.
When I dated, there were a couple of guys (including my husband) that on a 5th or 6th date, when we were really comfortable with one another, we’d just have question asking time. Like anything we were curious about, we asked. Those dates were always the best for me because it initiated some really amazing conversations and if you’re willing to be honest, it helps make a more personal connection.
Food, Family, Philosophy:
HIM: Do you like cholent?
HER: No.
HIM: Do you have brothers?
HER: No.
HIM: If you had a brother, would he like cholent?
on a good dates you should be so out of breath that you cant talk about anything
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