To the Parents of Teens

Dear proudbyg: I can not begin to describe the pain I feel in my heart for you.A mother is supposed to be a role model for us to emulate, unfortunately here this is not the case. I am begging you please listen to the survivor who is writing you on this thread. She has been there, she knows… You really must get away as soon as possible and work on building your one life. If your mother has borderline, its almost considered a lost case. Read up on it, you’ll see..Wishing you the siyata dishmaya you need to get yourself out of this, and to rebuild.

aproudbyg- you are a very special person. And you make bais yaakov and klal yisrael proud

aproudbyg, I don’t think you are understanding how damaging your mother’s behavior is to you. The denial you are in, is distressing to see. To summarize from what I can see, your mother very often, hits you lightly, up to the point of breaking your clothes, and s soft choking motion, and we assume yells very often, you haven’t said much about that, and is there more? IOW, she treats you not as a daughter or a human being, or even a pet dog, but she abuses you via her power over you are her mother.

This is sickening to hear about and I for one, would like you to contact Ohel, or any of the numbers you were given, TODAY.

If you cannot do this today, please explain what is holding you back.

You mentioned Chilull Hashem, or fear that she lose her job. None of these justify her continuation of these abuses.

Remember, this is a public website. Aproudbyg is correct to not post details she does not want the larger public to know. She should seek help, but is not obligated to inform us of what, how, when, or why. No identifying information will be posted.

Adams-

have you been in a similar situation???

do you have any idea how difficult it is to do what you’re suggesting???

The shame, embaressment, feelings of betrayal, public acceptance and acknowledgement of your situation, invasion of your privacy, fear of judgement…

Aproudbyg, I concur with those who have asked youto report or to seek assistance from OHEL or a similar group. THis is abuse, and your mom has serious problems, even if you think they are tolerable or under control.

However, if you are determined not to advise police or seek assistance beyond this forum’s advice, I urge you to document EVERYTHING. Write down what happens, when it happens, and if you have a bruise ch’v or worse or ripped clothing, take a photo. If you can record a violent incident with your phone, even if only audio, do it. B

But this is only back up. it isn’t a substitute for seeking help, which I again urge you to do. If you only described one incident with your mom, I’d concur that anyone can have bad judgement and a bad day. But what you describe is systemic, and aside from the danger to you and the ongoing psychological damage you are receiving, you are also enabling her to continue her unacceptable behaviours. Please consider an outside agency or the police.

Aproudbyg, If you can’t get out of the house, Is there a way you can get yourself to therapy while living in the house? Your mother doesn’t even have to know about it. Some therapists may accept your insurance. Maybe you can find a kind teacher who can help you? I’d like for you to know that I’m going through the exact same thing right now. For several reasons, it is not practical for me to get out of the house. But I found some amazing mentors who are literrly saving my life. I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out. Don’t allow urself to drown in it on your own. You want to do the right thing, you don’t want to go against your mothers wishes, but a person has a chiyuv to themselves first. You have to take care of yourself, try to look around you and see who you can trust. Get another trustworthy adult to help you make sense of it.

aproudbyg- i just want you to know that each time i come on here,it says that there’s 113 posts or whatever and that shows that everyone cares about you and really wants the best for you and that is so amazing!!!!

Why am I here? To show that I, too, care. Someone else to share your pain. I’m sure you’ve received enough instruction, direction, advice here, you don’t need mine. Besides B”H I’ve no experience in this field.

Why don’t you ask my teenage children how they deal…

aproudbyag:

Good for you for having taken the first step by starting to speak out about your pain. This is by no means an easy thing to do and you must be a very strong and courageous individual. That being said, I believe it may be time for you to take the second step and call one of the numbers you got to speak to an adult that can guide you step-by-step.

The reason this is so important for you to do still before Yom Tov is because you will definitely be around mom a lot more over the next 2 weeks and the tensions will be high. Between the late night schedules, meals around the clock, unstructured days, etc.

I urge you to call ASAP as this is literally a matter of Pikuach Nefesh.

<3 !!!

People used to say the same things to me all the time:

“why dont you call the police?” ” you have to go to therapy right now !!”

and i remember feeling like “why dont you live 5 minutes in my life, and then go back to telling me what to do!”

You sound like a smart girl with a good head. with time I think you will figure out what you need to do for you.

One thing I do strongly suggest is a mentor figure. In high school I reached out and became close to a Rabbi, and a female teacher. My friends used to joke that they became my “mom and dad”.. I also went out of my comfort zone and would spend time talking with my school social worker. I would speak with her about anything, whether midterms or problems at home. I can say with certainty that these three people are what helped me move forward in life and grow into a well functioning, healthy and happy person.

Best of luck to you.

For what its worth, I am here to listen to whatever you want to post.

APBYG:

Sounds great. You’re doing really good. Keep it up.

You’re strong and smart and you will get through this.

Keeping a low profile should help,(for now)keep in mind that you will not get her approval by offering more help around the house, on the contrary. It will most likely irritate her even more and will probably backfire. Many girls in your situation think that if they help more, etc then things will be better for them. This usually doesn’t work. When she asks for help, try not engaging in conversation with her and don’t overwork.

Above all, remember that this is her problem, not yours.

Wishing you a Chag Kosher V’Sameach. 🙂

Oh, and what someone said is crucial: document EVERYTHING. Have a notebook you keep under your mattress or something and write down the date, time, and description of what she says and/or does. Even if you don’t feel like it or it’s happened so many times that it doesn’t seem to matter if you write it down again. It establishes a pattern and even if you never need to show anyone else, it will help you to realize this is NOT your fault.

You can create a code if you’re afraid she might find it, for example 03202229 YF if she just yelled at you using foul language.

Taking pictures/recording is a GREAT idea. If I had had a recording device of some sort (this was decades ago, remember!), I would have had proof to at least show adults who wouldn’t believe me otherwise.

So here’s your homework: Start a notebook, and make a phone call. I’m rooting for you, BY Girl bas Torah. 🙂

sw33t- People used to say the same things to me all the time: “why dont you call the police?” ” you have to go to therapy right now !!”

and i remember feeling like “why dont you live 5 minutes in my life, and then go back to telling me what to do!”

thanks for putting my niggling discomfort into words.

aproudbyg- feel free to disagree with me here

but i also felt that way sw33t. That people make assumptions. think the worst. tell me i’m destroying myself. But they don’t really know my life. the details. the way i react, and my personality. my interactions with my mother. how bad or how often things may happen.

aproudbyg mentioned the shirt and throat incidents. i am NOT justifying it even if it was only once, but from some of the reactions here, it seems people are saying that if she doesn’t get help, be it mentor or police,or get out of her house by the end of the week, she is being suicidal, or it may be “too late”. she didn’t say how often outbursts occur, but people assume every time she sees her mother, her mother yells at her. that her entire pesach is going to be misery with not a moment of peace. That it’s imperative that she records incidents (is there any legal issue there btw?), because of the ‘likelihood’ that she’ll need it in the future.

perhaps we should all take a step back, including myself. aproudbyg said she knows the next step and is working on implementing it. she doesn’t want to get the police involved (B”H!) or go to a rav yet(speaking to myself here), so we can stop pushing those. She knows who she wants to approach, and will as soon as she can. perhaps we can encourage a positive outlook to pesach? perhaps it will be overall more good than bad? I feel like we’re pushing a fearful and negative attitude, when the positive emuna and outlook she already has are the best ones she CAN have.

aproudbyg seems quite smart, clearheaded, and ready to act. Let’s show some trust in her, and give her the space to get her thoughts and emotions together to make that step, without criticizing her decision of when and how to act next.

k, thanks for letting me know. I’ll sha now 🙂

Nobody is criticizing her, she is being given a reality check. You are correct that the police is not an answer, and stopping her mom is beyond her, but you may know from other friends that even if you really believe you want help, it takes only 5 seconds to convince yourself that you probably over exaggerated the situation and it’s probably not quite as it sounds etc etc. Getting help means choosing the unknown and even people who get black eyes and broken bones will tell you that their present situation is still better than the unknown.

So how do you encourage someone not to remain complacent in a very unhealthy situation without sounding harsh? It’s a sensitivity. Not everyone can but we aren’t wrong to try.

I agree that a proudbyg is an unbelievable person, I am so impressed with everything I am reading and I too would love to offer my shabbos table. She sounds like she has options and she has her head on straight but I know LOTS of wonderful people like that who stuck with abusers for years and decades because there is always that fear of ‘making waves’ or upsetting the person you are working so hard to please.

Ohel is an anonymous call. It is not a plane ticket out of the house. Not wanting to make a first step even when it will bring no outward changes is an indication that there is a fear of change factor at play.

Most of these responses are encouraging you all to get help for all the right reasons. Calling them critics is very possibly a way to make it easier to disregard their advice.

I wish us all peace and strength and the ability to believe in ourselves enough to have our own best interests in mind. I am certainly not immune to this problem.

Another thing – calling the police will only make things worse, unless it’s pikuach nefesh, because she will pay dearly when she’s alone with her mother again. We went to therapy as a family a few times, but I knew I was being set up, even if the therapist thought they were helping. I knew I would suffer for anything I said, so I said nothing. I got yelled at for not being cooperative and wasting their money, but it was better than suffering later for telling the therapist the truth, being called a stupid liar and worse and having to be alone at home with her after.

Each of my siblings have coped differently with the abuse. I chose to maintain contact after high school to support my younger siblings. I knew what they were going through and wanted to be there for them as much as I could. When my younger sister was 11, I was visiting and she crawled onto my lap on a lawn chair in the yard and sobbed, “I just don’t know what to do! I want to make her happy and I try to stay out of her way but it doesn’t help!” I went home to my husband and sobbed for hours because I couldn’t protect them. I remember saying that I had the money I would have gone to court for custody of them.

Sibling #1 is now married with kids, moved hundreds of miles away and cut off all contact with all family. Sibling #2 is married with kids, has a simliar personality to our abuser (glad I wasn’t home to see THOSE fights) but somehow was able to form better parenting skills that what we grew up with.

Sibling #3 is even more sentitive than I am, can’t hold a job, abuses alcohol, engages in other self-destructive behaviors, and has lo aleinu attempted suicide.

This is why APBYG needs to get out.

saysme = “ Where do you get this from? It may apply to some girls, and the opposite may be true for others, that by offering help, by having casual conversation, the mood is improved and calmed and made positive. Perhaps her starting discussion on a safe topic can lead to a shared laugh, a positive moment together. By acting like a servant, who only helped when and what asked and avoiding conversation, this can actually cause a blowup, anger, or resentment.“

I am not suggesting for her to ignore mom or to go on a shut-down. What I did suggest, was to keep discussions to a minimum and not to offer more help than is necessary.

From what she said about her mom, she will not end up having too many light and easy conversations and definitely not any shared laughs. On the contrary, her mom will get irritated and annoyed.

If you say that the mood will improve, etc, let me tell you that in most cases it certainly does not. When it does, it’s very temporary, lasting only a couple minutes and can be worse later.

(If you know anyone who somehow got better by offering more help, then I can guarantee you that their situation or their mother was obviously not the same as this one.)

And yes, keeping a low profile will help her cope better. It’s definitely not a solution, but for now, a way to cope with the situation, until there is a solution.