To the Parents of Teens

ouchhhh. If this is not regular, then your mother obviously snapped under pressure tonight. And it is NOT an excuse.

I’m scared for the responses you will get because i know many will say call the police for abuse, and i don’t think that’s a good idea. If this is not her normal behaviour, give her a day or two to cool off and see if she comes to apologize. If not, perhaps bring it up in a non-accusatory way, when you are calm and can stay calm. Don’t accuse, don’t use ”you”. Explain you were hurt and surprised, and see what she says. If applicable, ask your father for advice.

That’s not acceptable behaviour, even if someone is under stress though. Sending a hug…

And the 4th poster can’t get a joke

wow,im so sorry,i hope things get better for you!

Sammy,

LOL

aproudbyg- when you talk to your mother in a calm setting does she explode? If not, perhaps explain to her gently that you can’t continue living like this. If she doesn’t go to parenting classes and therapy for her anger management issues you will go to Ohel to find you a foster home. Say it really nicely though, and full of compliments for her good times. It’s very possible that she has a psychiatric disorder such as bipolar that can be causing this.

@aproudbyg glad u could still laugh. I’m not gonna advise u on what to do cause I have no clue.

Unfortunately, as a child, there’s very little that you can do. But, that doesn’t mean that this kind of behavior should continue. Please find an adult that you trust, even someone in your extended family to confide in. Make sure they’re ‘getting it’, and this adult should be someone you trust and someone responsible enough that this shouldn’t backfire on you or hurt you in any way.

Please, please keep in mind, that no matter what mom does, it’s about her, not about you. So don’t beat yourself up that maybe there’s reason for this or maybe you did something wrong, and most important, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Good Luck.

Regardless of whether she did a good job or not, her mother is not justified for exploding.

I got shnitzy’s approval!! This is a big day for me! Really!

aproudbyg:

Firstly, I applaud you for taking the first step and speaking out about this situation. It takes an enormous amount of strength to face it and actually talk about it, even anonymously.

Second, if you have a school guidance counselor, consider yourself lucky and talk to her ASAP.

The school bullying is inexcusable and should not be tolerated. The whole situation at home and with your siblings is not in your control and the last thing you need now is to suffer from bullies.

You have a bit more power than you think you do. You just need guidance from a responsible adult who cares enough to help you through this in a way that you will not get hurt. I suggest you do this very soon. It will be very hard at first but worth it.

I urge you to keep in mind that this is not connected to you or anything that you did or didn’t do.

I’m afraid your principal doesn’t understand the situation. Did you talk to her about the bullying or about mom? Your principal should be able to help you with the bullying. Please speak to her again. Tell her EVERYTHING these girls say, even if you’re uncomfortable. Tell her she’s the only one that can help you with this and it’s a big responsibility. If she says anything along those lines again, ask her if she knows someone else that you could talk to…

Don’t give up. Keep going.

There’s no way this bullying is ok, or a girl’s thing, or a part of school, etc.. It’s not. It’s definitely not a healthy girl’s thing.

Try to show these girls that you’re stronger than them and that it doesn’t bother you when they bully you. This sometimes works like magic. Good luck.

your principal is so completely wrong and responsible for bullying she allows to continue. I know there are organizations fighting against bullying and starting programs in schools and getting involved. Long overdie in every school imo. re bullies, i’d actually advise speaking up, interrupting if they stop, telling them calmly but firmly how it is loshon hora, motzi shem ra, onaas devorim, halbanas ponim. How you’d appreciate if they’d stop the verbal abuse.

I know, having been dropped by a mentor breaks your trust. It cuts deep. If this intern isnt sticking around… She might not be there after the school year for you. A rav/rebbetzin, a psychologist, a social worker. They’ll stick around longer. If there’s a neighbor you trust, who won’t be scared to help our. You can ask for names from the help lines too. Relief. Yitty leibel help line. And many more.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling its betraying your family to talk. And it kept me from finding someone. For too long. Until damage had been done. And i’m begging you not to wait until then. Be proactive, and prevent more pain. Don’t be one of those kids who tells everyone about their family, no. But find one or 2 people who can guide you, preferably who will work together (this will also likely help that they stick with it). If one can be a rav, he can give you psakim, tell you what you can do, what you can say, without guilt. He can tell you if you should spend time away despite the guilt, perhaps even move out, for a week or a year. Find someone. It will take a huge load off your chest that you don’t even realize is there.

And most of all, do not feel guilty. Be careful with your actions, yes. Don’t hurt if it can be avoided. Protect yourself. Get help. Feel bad, pity your mother. Look at her with pity and compassion for what she is, and what she can’t see to break out of yet, instead of with anger if you can. But to feel guilty for taking care of your safety and health, for protecting, for getting a better environment and outlook in which you can grow more solidly and stronger, that is something to not feel guilty about. And the guilt can be, and is, debilitating, and it will stop you from doing what you know you should. But it is yetzer hora. Recognize it for what it is, and you can fight it. The only time guilt is good is when it is proppelling you to a change and growth, like in teshuva. If its holding you back, or weighing you down, let it go. Its hard work to overcome, start now while you’re in bais yaakov. Its much easier then.

And don’t wait too long if you can. The longer you wait and debate, the more excuses and deterrants the yetzer hora can plant in your mind.

I had something else thats slipped my mind… If i remember i’ll come add it.

it’s hard, it is. Very. But so neccesary, and so helpful. Your rav ignores you when, in the street? Many do. But if you call and ask to speak to him, he definitely will speak to you, and if you want, meet you, and will help guide you. Or perhaps a different rav in the city.

The intern may be helpful then. If she can practically help too. Or else, a psychologist or social worker, as scary as that sounds. Its a sad truth, but your ‘mentors’ may have not known how to help, and thus felt beyond their scope, so left, or maybe they didnt really comprehend your hurt. Either way, it doesnt seem right at all. Maybe if such a thing happened again, you should pursue them again after a week break. But though its a hard situation, its not the hardest out there. A psych..will tell you straight out right away if they thought they cldn’t help.

You’re expressing thoughts, feelings, emotions, questions that ive had and have still

You might be surprised though to find out that one or more of your brothers found someone to talk to also. Telling one or two trustworthy people should not make it public knowledge at all, so it’s not exposing your family. On the unlikely chance it would? Then you could all get help and guidance to become a happier, close family, something noone will regret 5 yrs down the road.

The tears should not have to continue, though that ability to shut it off and smile is a very important one- keep it. A fake smile releases endorphins too! Your mother will be upset that you told about your family? Yes if she finds out, she may be. Mine was. Very. But its still worth it. And necessary. Her anger is from hurt, fear, but safety, care, strength comes first. You come before her broken emotional reactions. They arent coming from a healthy frame of mind, right? Chayecha kodmin. Don’t let the pain go on and on.

Aproudby, ah this post is making me cry! I wish for a minute we were not anonymous and I could invite you to spend shabbosim with my family. Unfortunately I can relate,more than I want to admit. I never talk about it to anyone, but my friends that I still have from elementary school sometimes see how close I am with my mother now and ask ” how did that happen?” My mother used to be very similar to yours, hitting me, throwing things at me, being my best friends one day and the next telling me she wishes I wasn’t born. The thing is.. She was depressed for a long time and suffered from anxiety. I’m not excusing it but she dealt with a lot of issues growing up and didn’t learn how to handle pressure etc and never got help for her depression until I was a bit older. My mother happens to be an amazing person and we are So close now. She is on meds and honestly since iV been married we haven’t really had fights or problems. My husband sometimes says that he can’t imagine the things I tell him about how it used to be because she is so different.

Ill tell you that I used to cry in my room and beg Hashem to make her stop and I would hate her inside. You are so brave and I know I don’t know

You but I am so proud of you for being so strong. I think your mother needs help and I really don’t think things will chance until admits that.. Where is your father in all this?

Aproudbygirl. Oy Oy we are so similar! My parents too contemplated divorce ( about once a day) and I used to pray that they would. Somewhere down the line things got better and they seem happier now then they ver did when I was growing up.. I will bet that it has to do with my mother getting help and medicine. I have younger siblings, much younger, and when I went to college/got engaged I was so scared to leave home because I was kind of their savior, but my sister says my mom is a lot better to her. I used to “hate” my mom and I once, Hashem forgive me, was so mad at her for

Hitting me and throwing a sneaker at me that outloud I wished something very horrible on her, and no matter what she ever did I regret it still now. I hope Hashem forgives me for saying what I said. She is so close to my heart now, but what I learned from the situation is how TO be a better mother to my kids. My baby who is almost 10 months old bli ayan harah is such a love to me and I am scared all the time that I will act to him like my mom acted to me, so I am conscious of it always.

You will also learn how you do and don’t want to act when you are a mother. Your parents love you, unfortunately you were dealt a tough hand but hopefully Hashem has beautiful things in store for you!! How much longer do you have until you will go to seminary or school if you choose college?

I relate to these posts so much. it breaks my heart to see that nothing ever changes in this world… morahrach has got to be older then me, and i’m older then you, and we all have the same story.

keep holding on, and remember Hashem loves and cares for you. He is watching over even when it feels like he’s not.

aproudbyg- did u say poetry :)? If poems speak to you, go to the thread ‘att poetry people’. Read it from the beginning (really pg 3 maybe? But i cant remember). Maybe it’ll even get revived. Used to be a chevra of us, who all were in or knew pain, expressed through poems and not, giving support, listening, caring, understanding… It helped me through some tough patches. Many of those posters left, but i wish they were still here and the thread was still going. It was amazing. It’s long, but use it as distraction from the yelling perhaps. It’s a very emotional and powerful thread, it’s witnessed posters ups and downs, and contains both support, similar feelings, and ideas. Perhaps it can also speak to you