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TAOM- I’m soooooo glad your getting more invovled in chessed! It is totally my escape from the world as well and I love it!
I think you are approaching this very maturely, but I don’t want you to take my advice wrong (not that you have to take it, but i’d just like to clarify what I’m saying). As someone who is going through deep challenges with my parents, it is definitly a big shkoyach to you to for looking at their positive traits. As you get older, you recognize your parents are human just like you, but they are always going to be your parents. I agree with this, but I am only saying that it is still important to have someone as a mentor, that you can go to when times get hard or to just get advice from, or vent to. Yes you can take the positive approach and put a smile on, and you should, you deserve it! But doesn’t mean you need to run away from your problems cuz they will only come back to haunt you.
As you know, every great Rebbe had his own great Rebbe! We cannot assume well just be fine, we need mentors! Even for the sake of just shmoozing life not venting!
Sorry if I seemed like I was imposing advice on you, I genuinly just want you to be happy in the inside and out, not just pushing your probelms aside like they dont exist! You seem amazing!
kapusta- Thank you for your post. I don’t think that therapy will work with my life right now, but I’m sure somewhere out there, some other issue filled person was helped by your post. You’re so amazing! Thank you!
TAOM – I know you feel strong enough to hold out on your own for now, but it’s seriously not healthy! I’ll say this one more time: even is you can’t do therapy, please please please find someone to speak to. As for the shiur, it wasn’t the inspiration that made it seem so strong, rather the horrible realization that if I would have heard this speech a few years ago I would have been a lot better off…. And as OURtoah said, I’m so glad your getting involved with more chessed. I know for myself that working with people more needy than me makes me appreciate what I have. One example (and I have tons but this happened recently): I was working with a two year old who is severely handicapped. I seriously never met a toddler with such maturity, I guess life does that to kids. Anyways, I was supporting her so she could stand without her crutches/braces she always relies on when she says to me in tears: “My feet aren’t behaving, they never listen to me. I hate them.” I just hugged her tight and cried along with her….this poor child!
Shopping – I’m with you on this one. I also feel so disconnected after reading how TAOM described her Chanuka 🙁 It’s so so hard when there are so many other things distracting you-so I’m really not in the place to give advice here but listen…you did daven, who cares if it was with a siddur or not!?!?! The fact is that you have the connection: the rest will come eventually. Try downloading shiurim on to your iPod or phone and listen to them when you have a few minutes. There are so many amazing speeches out there! And keep talking to Hashem! Ask Him to help you keep the strong connection…
MODS-
I’m truly sorry- I was really obnoxious yesterday. Please forgive me, you guys/ gals are so nice to do this in your free time. And I really appreciate that you guys read through my post and fixed it up so it can be posted instead of just not approving it! Bli neder I won’t do stuff like that anymore. Have a good Shabbos!
OURtorah-
You didn’t seem that way at all! You came across as your usual amazing self. Your advice is very true. I have been looking for someone like that. When my parents are in bad moods, all I want to do is get out of the house! It would be amazing to have a place where I could just hang out… But a mentor wouldn’t like adopt me the way I wish… Really, I’m worried I’ll over impose which is why I don’t have a mentor. Also because…how do you get someone like that? I dunno, really conflicted about that… But thanks for your advice, I thought of it every time I passed a teacher in the school halls today 🙂
streekgeek-
First of all, what is UP with your subtitle? Why does it change every day? Second, you’re so special to work with handicapped children! I almost cried when I read what that lil girl said… She must have such a special neshama- to live with all that pain when she’s only two! I wish I could just hug her… I’m really trying to do more chessed. In fact, I just signed up to a weekly chessed thingy! I’m so excited. You know, a females primary role in life is to bring kedusha to the world through chessed and tznius. I find tznius a big challenge because growing up, my mom and sisters always wore really tight, short stuff… But I LOOOOOVE doing chessed. It makes me feel so good about myself 🙂
As for the speech, Hashem knew that you’re strong enough to stop even without hearing a brilliant speech- that’s amazing! Anyways you managed to stop so don’t feel sad. Please. Have a restful peaceful spiritual Shabbos!
Shopping-
Don’t feel like you’re disconnected! I mean, I’m not fortunate enough to know you in real life but from reading your posts I get the feeling that you’re really spiritual. I also have a hard time with textual davening… Pretty much everyone I speak to about this tells me the same thing so please don’t feel bad. It’s great that you talk to Hashem! There are so many people that don’t have a personal connection with Hashem. They just live a frum life but they aren’t doing it for Hashem, they’re just doing it because it’s convenient. I try to daven for them every day because it’s so sad! About chizzuk hotlines- I always listen to those! I’m kinda obsessed. Kol Halashon, Chazzak, Inspire By Wire… The people that run those hotlines have got such amazing things waiting for them in the next world. So jealous. And about brachos- I thought I was the only one with that issue! I usually remember the bracha before eating but almost never bracha acharona… I feel so guilty! Oh well, another thing to work on… Have an awesome Shabbos!
TAOM- your seriously so mature! You should know your very lucky that at such a young age your having conflict with your parents. I am only having it now (marrigable age) and it very hard for me because Im not used to it and I dont know how to handle it. Funny enough this is life and its NORMAL!!! So shkoyach to you, really!
Anyways, as for finding a mentor, this is how I found mind, but everyone is different. Im a natural shmoozer so I make bonds quite easily, but I found that the people who seem more geuninly intrested tend to follow up with me, meaning I am not always the initiator, they will initiate conversation.
Now, noone needs to “adopt” you, but everyone needs a mentor, so finding one could just be sitting in class one day and realizing this teacher is really inspirational, you can start with small talk and see where it goes and if she seems like a down to earth, understanding person open up to her! Im sure they will be more than happy to help you!
have an increadibly spiritual and beautiful Shabbos 🙂
Shopping, you sound like you are in so much pain! I’m going to try to type everything I wanna say now but I might hafta leave in middle so forgive me if I just stop this post mid sentence. You sound like you’ve been having these feelings for a long time which makes me cry. I wanna get on a plane and fly to Israel so I can try to make the hurt go away… Being a teen means having the feelings you’re having- don’t think it’s not normal. But that doesn’t make it any easier… I’m so sorry that you feel like you have no one to turn to. Been there, done that and it’s awful
shopping!!!!! MY SWEET SHOPPING!!!!
I hope all my daughters are as increidble attached to Hashem as you are. Seriously!!!! |WOW!!!!! Im beyond impressed! I wish I had that kesher with Hashem, the ability to yell at Hashem when I was down because he is my Tatty just like he is yours! Please don’t think anything your going throguh itsn’t normal, you are a going throguh a stage in life that will hopefully be over soon! I can gurantee you one thing and one thing only, it will be much easier if you find someone to talk to. Just try it, find someone, ease into it and if you see your becoming a burden move on. Humans are only human! You can do it shopping!!! You can do it!!!!! We all have faith in you! 🙂 gut Vach!!
Shopping – You’re making me so sad 🙁 First of all, just know you are amazing. Seriously. Before I joined the CR I actually followed for a bit, yknow just reading and getting a feel for this place and you are one poster that I seriously was, and is still impressed by!! You are just so strong, despite all the pain you’re in and that is a real inspiration to me, and I’m sure to others as well. I promise you things will get better!! They always do. At the moment when it just seems to much to bear, you know you’re almost at the end!! I have tons to say but the fact that I even am here is a miracle cuz I have tons on my plate now in real life (good things B”H), but know I’m thinking of you and davening for you!!!!
Streek and OURtoah said everything that needs to be said. I second them. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Shopping. Stay strong and stay amazing. ((((((()))))) sending you hugs, where ever you are!
To all you teens and afterteens on this post,
Here’s a quote from this post; (i was also upset because my dad is well able to afford it but chose to ignore my existence when i needed him..)
This passes for many teens, (and my sincere feelings for MOI, who apparently has a more hard core situation than whats considered normal)
BUT
Sometime its the dad who feels that way. The only time he exists is when he’s needed (Money, favor, car, cell phone, even homework.) Otherwise he is politely non-existent. Oh they say hello, they say good shabbos, then the father ceases to exist. Even when the dad initiates, its a one sentence mumbled reply, or a snarl if they think its beneath their standards. And asking for input/opinion? Not on your life.
I sometimes wonder; why would teens NOT want a relation when they’re reached out to. Or is it something totally else?
What do you teens or aftereteens feel about this?
even though you guys have been talking for about a month i just saw this thread
TAOM- i am in awe of u!! ur so amazing!! (nd i thought my life is hard…)
what u said a while ago bout davening for your father to get into jail, i understand u completly but also know that these stuff do happen
i will sound like a really mean person when i say this but i davened for my father to die and when he did i was relieved, i get what your saying but also i agree with everyone and i feel that you should go see a therapist i think one will really help u
once again i cant believe what your going through and im so proud that you aren’t going and doing something like self harm (been there, done that i doesnt help)
stay strong!!!!
baal boose- i think we feel like if we open up then we will get hurt…
a father shouldnt wake up when his kid is a teen and decide he wants a relationship then… he should start from when the kid is born
Baal Boose-
You know what, you’re so right. Even in an extreme case like mine. People don’t just act the way my dad does for no reason (I hope). My dad must be in tremendous pain. He’s addicted to so many things and addictions are born of pain. it’s really true what you’re saying about fathers being politely left outa their kids lives. Thank you for posting that; it’s given me a lot to think about. Your post is making me cry of guilt. I can’t believe I just forgot my dad is a human being too! What is WRONG with me? OK, lets not turn this thread into a support group for me- Shopping needs that right now. And I really want others to reply to your post. It’s not right that dads get treated this way…
nonikname- Thank you for your kind words! You’re so sweet. I understand what you’re saying about davening for your dad to die and that really scares me. What have you been through that has hurt you to that extent? Can I send some hugs your way? I wish I’d be able to go for therapy. I’ve diagnosed myself with anxiety and panic attacks. Don’t know how much self diagnosis is worth but I’ve met people with it and spoken to them about it and they all agree with me that something is majorly wrong with me. K, that sounded funny but they meant it in a caring way. 🙂 I know I need therapy but… something is keeping me back from going. I know that therapy would mean things getting worse before better and I’m not strong enough for that. Whatevs… hago!
TAOM-thanx 4 the hugs:)
i cant say my story online because it has become so public where i live that if one person who lives in my area or knows someone who lives in my area will be able to figure out who i am
but i can say that i was very lucky to start therapy when i was in 6th grade and my therapist was amazing!! its rly hard for me to trust anyone and she is one of the few that i do trust
i get what your saying about diognosing yourself, i have diognosed myself with depression and ocd
if you cant go to a therapist then im gonna say like everyone else did, pls find yourself someone to talk to in real life i get that its much easier to just type it and get advice from some anonymous person but its much healthier to talk to a real person
shopping- your also an amazing person and i can tell that you have been through a lot stay strong!!
Art of moi- please don’t beat yourself up about how you felt about your father!! When people talk about fathers trying to have a relationship with their kids but being rejected by their kids they ae NOT talking about abusive fathers! It’s really important for you to realize that your father is abusive. And nothing that happened is your fault, it’s all on him! You can say he must be in pain,etc but not to excuse his actions, rather to maybe someday reaching a point where you can forgive him. Stay strong!
TO; “No nickname”;
You are making an assumption, and in this case completely entirely wrong.
(Btw; you had no right to assume this as probable fact. Unless this is your particular case, in which case i strongly apologize)
1) This father used to tuck this girl to bed – with a story- for 5 years.
2) Why would teens be afraid of getting hurt? From an apparently normal father?
THIS IS WRITTEN TO ALL THE ‘COLUMNISTS’ IN THE MAGS/PAPERS; I frequently see the same assumption made; “You should have been there earlier” FIRST who says he wasn’t? Dont make things up. SECOND; If he wasnt all there- he should be cut out? He’s trying now. (Assuming of course he was a normal father caught up in life. Dont many women complain that husbands are clueless? So it took a few years for the father to catch on).
So smug and wrong of these know it all columnists.
PS toam; thanks for backing me up. 2nd time.
PS I hope to find more time to reply.
Shopping-
Stay strong! You’re awesome. thinking of you all day.
fkelly- Thanks for the reality check… Try as I might, I can’t excuse my dads behavior. Just one example- he says he x has money to pay for my stuff, yet somehow he has the money to get a new luxury car every other day…<sigh> My opinion of him changes every hour. So confused.
nonikname- Oish, you sound like you’ve been through a lot… What can I say that’ll make you feel happy? xoxoxoxoxox
Shopping – how did the poster reach you? If she wanted to warn you about making yourself known, I would doubt that she would tell your parents. I really don’t think you should worry. Of course be careful, but don’t worry.
baal boose- ur right i guess i was making the assumption, i dont think im in the place to judge that situation
(assuming again) it seems like its your situation and i have no idea why the teen doesnt want to have a relationship with her dad but usually kids my age are not the most forgiving nd if this father used to tuck the kid in for 5 yrs, did he do anthing during the day or just come home at night?
shopping- i think u shud mayb make a new username nd like syag said i dont think that tht person will tell ur parents
k first of all shopping, you’re one of my favorite posters so please dont stop. I do agree though that once someone found you out then you shud watch what you say. Second, i think its obvious from the fact Taom and Shoppin are expessing so much here, that there’s definitely a need to discuss it. Therapy has a maaloh over just discussing with friends (or cr) in which a therapist usually has the right answers and solutions, as opposed to friends which is just venting but the help is not as on target.
I personally self diagnosed myself as deppressed with slight ocd and maybe more, but when i went to a professional they told me my brain was in great shape and wwe figured out there was something else completely different bothering me. Its just safer and more effective is what im trying to say.
Last i wanna express my pride and utter amazement at the loving and caring way which everyone here is talking in. Mi kiamcha yisroel
Shopping im crying as i write this u sound like youre hurting so much and all i wanna do is make the hurt go away. Whoever is blackmailing you is a sick person. I have a feeling the mods will close this thread so i just wanna get this out there quick. Whoever is reading this can see the situation in todays world. Please daven for the geula to come fast! HASHEM, please we cant do this nemore! Shopping you are in my tefillos. There is a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere.
TAOM – I don’t think anyone is blackmailing her. She was saying that someone contacted her to say they figured her out and that she should be careful. She herself was worried that the person may tell her parents.
I can’t say I am not devastated to hear that such young kids are going through all of these horrible things (and this is without even knowing what these things are). It is so horrible that your parents are not succeeding at protecting you from all this pain and getting you the help you need. Maybe some of these fathers are sick and in pain, but maybe those mothers need to get those children somewhere safe. I don’t know the stories, but I do know there ar a lot of very young people here going through a lot of things that they shouldn’t even be knowing about!
But what I wanted to say was how unbelievable it is to me that high school girls are talking about crying to Hashem and begging for change and tshuva. I never met anyone like that and I am so encouraged to know that there are girls out there who know Hashem cares so much!
dear this thread! PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE TO READ THIS!
Guys you are all getting out of hand!!! I hate bringing up this part of my life, cuz I don’t like to remeber all the halachos I was breaking in my past, but I will share with you one small story (and frankly I didnt know any btr growing up very modern and not knowing any better).
People aroiund me in my community go about their daily lives without Torah in their every move! When I was in high school, the girls around me didn’t have a kesher with Hashem. THEY WERE JEWISH GIRLS WITHOUT A KESHER WITH HAKODOSH BORUCH HU!!!!! SHOPPING!!! TAOM! STREEKGEEK!!! NONIKNAME! everyone!!! Think about how special each of you are! The fact you cry out to Hashem, you have the Emuna in these dark times of Galus. you yell out to Hashem you are angry! What a special kesher! And Hashem is carrying you (you know that mashal about how Hashem carried the man through the sand during his hard times and thats why there was only one set of footprints).
I went to a shiur last night about Hester Panim. How do you help a child who is afriad of the dark, you show himt there is no change in his room from the light to the dark. You take him around and say here is the desk here is your bed, here is the door and when you turn off the light you show him again that everything is still there. Hashem brought us all Har Sinai to recive the Torah. It was one of the lightest moments in JEwish History, but Hashem warned of a dark dark Galus! But he said don’t be afriad, remeber this moment and stay connected to me, your Tatty! And guess what I’ve left a light for you, I’ve left the TORAH! that is your light!
So my dear CR family, find that light. there is only so much we can do to help each other until you finnaly need to help yourself. Reach out to the Torah! Do chessed! “adopt a Bubby”. Reconstruct your life. If you woke up this morning, you are special and YOU still have a tafkid here in this world! So don’t pass the opportunity. We all have challenges, but use the “light source” to get you throguh!
Seriously, don’t give up on yourselves, you are about to become stronger than you ever were and THAT IS EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hatzlocho!!!!!!
it seems like evryone here does connect to hashem on a very deep level except 4 me
i didnt mention anything but frankly i dont see god anywhere
he has not helped me thru anything in my life at all but next year i am getting away from my house nd going to sem nd hopefully in the ‘holy land’ i will b able 2 see if god rly cares bout me
nonikname!- go to a mirror right now, close your eyes and then open them.
tell me what you see- I dont want to hear you say I see a depressed person. You see someone who is able to see, someone who has eyes. Someone who is able to type and write her feelings on a place where people care and love to help!
Has Hashem not helped you get up this morning? And gave you the confidence to write everything you just did? If im not mistaken, Hashem helped you do that. Maybe you need to add something more spiritually enlightening to your life, like start saying Tehillim everday with extra kavana. I did that and it has added so much.
Don’t ever think Hashem is not with you (Footsteps in the Sand):
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand,
one beloning to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life there is
only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when I needed you most
you would leave me.”
The Lord replied “My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffereing,
when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,
it was then that I carried you.”
Nonikname, hopefully you will see clearly THAT He cares about you.
Shopping – Glad to see you’re feeling all better and your back to your usual self 🙂 It’s okay to be a teen sometimes 🙂 I just did that myself yesterday, moody and all… I try to avoid coming here when I get in those moods for the sanity of the other posters here.
As for advice, try learning the deeper meaning behind these mitzvos. If its on your mind you’ll have an easier time remembering, and a better understanding of what you are doing when you do remember. And most importantly, daven to Hashem to help you! He can help you more than anyone else here can.
Mods – I know you don’t have time to edit posts, so is this better?
TAOM – just realized I never responded to your post, sorry for the delay. Ask the mods about my subtitle, not sure myself! I don’t even want one!!! So excited too that you signed up for that chessed thingie- it’ll make such a difference in your life. I sort of want to explain why I cried while listening to that speech but it is kind of hard to put it in words, I’ll try. I was going through a hard phase in high school but I always knew that I would want to get married and raise a normal family to sort of prove to my parents that their way of upbringing is not the only way to do things. So I always made sure not to do anything to myself that I felt would affect me later on as a parent. My friends, (can I even call them that??) thought I was nuts cuz once I was so low down, may as well do it all the way. B”H I was strong enough to keep to those restrictions so now if you would look at me there is no way you would think I was ever so low. What I didn’t know then was the effect everything else I did had to me, maybe not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. If I had known how much these things would affect me and how long it would take until I could gain back my spirituality I would have never done it. And now, years later, I still cry cuz of my naivety to think that I could just one day wake up and be good again.
edited
Post a reminder on your ceiling, first thing you see when you wake up! 🙂
shopping- the best way to get it in your mind is to learn about it. Learn the halachos, I know there is a book on brachos! Remind yourself of how embarassed you were when you forgot the Bracha (which we all have those moments so dont feel too bad) and yea 🙂
Shopping, once you get into the understanding of what brachos are its much easier. Basically, when hashem created the world there was a creation of the food and besides for that creation of food there was a specific commandment from hashem that food shud give us life and the power to live on. This happens every time we eat, not only in the beginning of time.
So before i eat something i try to at least appreciate that hashem is giving me this food and allowing it to sustain me. Also it says that before a bracha the food is hashem’s and after it becomes yours, so the bracha is kinda like the giving it over to you straight from hashem
Our Torah-“go to a mirror right now, close your eyes and then open them. tell me what you see- I dont want to hear you say I see a depressed person. You see someone who is able to see, someone who has eyes. Someone who is able to type and write her feelings on a place where people care and love to help!” the prob is tht i do see a depressed person, i started working with special needs kids to try to b grateful 4 wat i have but it just doesnt work… u said 2 say tehillim, i dont even daven at all anymore i just dont see a point
shopping-i happen 2 not like jewish books just cuz of the grammer nd sentence structure its hard to read (they shud rly fix tht nd they wud get more readers) but im gonna listen 2 their songs thanx:) nd i loved tht poem
streekgeek- not rly no.. when i do the ‘right’ things like daven nd mitzvos, things dont improve. the ppl who hurt me still continue and those who are nasty and mean and downright disgusting live the dream and people think im wrong when i am mad at someone for abusing me so i rly dont c how god helps me
shopping- i just looked up tht song nd cudnt find it, i noticed u were typing fast so cud u type who its by again
thanx
nonikname,
I am learning with two girls who aren’t relgious and they were asking me why they should belevie in a God. I told them that when times are good, it is very easy for us to love our lives, its easy for us to just plain live life. But when the going gets tough, say there is a death in the family, your best friend “dumps” you, your having a serious fight with someone say a parent or sibling. Something is wrong. If you blame YOURself, you will not be able to function! You must recognize you are only human! You cannot fix everything. That is when you have Hashem. (side point: you had Hashem in the first place, Hashem was causing the good times for you, but not the point right now). So One of the girls asked me “yes, but then I’d be VERY VERY ANGRY at Hashem, I wouldn’t want to believe in Him”. I said “AHA! you answered your own question”.
Do you ever get angry at your parents? Will you get angry at your spouse IyH? Your friends? Of course! Do you get angry at random people on the street? No! Whats the difference? You love the first group of people, of course when they are doing something that angers you, you will get angry! But you are angry at them because they love you, you have a relationship with them. So to with Hashem. Be angry at Hashem for your problems. Daven (and I mean it, pick up a siddur and relive the emotional experiance it is to daven), ask Hashem to help you, because you have a relationship with Hashem and he just wants you back!
I’m so sorry you are going through a hardship! Just know that there is always hope, you must search for it and never give up! Remeber: You woke up today, you have a purpose! Make the most of it 🙂
our torah- thats exactly it!! i am indifferent, i just stopped caring
Nonikname- yet you still come back here to shmooze woth frum God fearing and loving Jews. Why? Why didbu stop caring?
WOW this thread is amazing! Kudos to Shopping for starting it. And to streekgeek and OURtorah for being the resident Rabbis and psychologists 🙂 And Shopping. You gals are amazing. Mi keamcha Yisrael!
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