To the-art-of-moi: (Sorry if I spelled it wrong)

My dad came home from his vacation a few days early. There are fireworks going off downstairs and I’m hiding out in my room with the music blasting but the highest volume on my ipod won’t drown out the crying in my heart. I was hoping that now that my parents had a break from each other they would somehow start getting along… I hate my dad. I wish he’d stop abusing my mom and learn his lesson for once! Seriously, even getting arrested won’t stop him. The stuff he was caught doing are awful. He traumatized people to the extent that years of therapy didn’t help them recover. Everyone keeps saying they’re davening he’ll get off easy. I bet they wouldn’t guess I’m davening he’ll be put away for life. And I feel guilty for doing that because really I should daven for him to do teshuvah. But deep down I know that no matter what he says or does, I’ll never forgive him for wrecking my life. And that is what I feel the most guilt about.

TAOM – I must pair you up with one of my friends, she is going through something so similar with her father all her life… It’s especially weird cuz your personality always reminded me of her. Just really odd. I really don’t know what to tell you. And I’m not going to say I understand your pain, cuz I don’t. But know that we’re with you in it! I’m probably your biggest fan 🙂

I just came across something I wrote last year when my life sort of resembled Nechama Cohen’s song “Complicated” Enough said. I’m not going to post it as it is really personal (yeh, I’m one of those who write my diaries in poetic form…) but it was about riding the waves. You know there are ups and downs, its rhythmic, it’s life. But then there are those times that you are really high but all of the sudden you find yourself underwater struggling to breath and you feel like you’re going to drown. And you can’t even make your way to the surface, let alone to ride another wave. That’s where my poem ended, but I plan on sitting down and finishing it this afternoon. The same waters that pushed you down, is going to bring you back up. And back down. But up again. You know what I’m saying…

I too have a really hard time dealing with people’s idiotic questions. See my rant about it in a different thread… I finally figured out that people mean well, they’re just not sure how to express themselves. I actually pity them.

And please, find someone ASAP. Someone that you can speak to face to face. Please! And not someone your age (I’m saying that from experience) as it will only messes things up more than it is.

And one more thing, next time you send out an invitation to you funeral make sure not to send it to me

Mods, that was a virtual invitation. I’m not actually going to see her…

TAOM-

how you doing today pal! I’m so glad my post helped 🙂 My friends at home tell me I’m always giving good adivce, and I LOVE helping them out! So anytime 🙂

I was really thinking about you today and davening for your situation! (i hope Hashem knows who “the art of moi from the CR” is 🙂 And I had an idea that may seem a bit radical to you, but if you take a step back from your sitation (like where each of us in the CR is) you might find this helpful. What if you tried acting like he isn’t ruining your life. ok ok, you might be laughing at your screen right now! But really. You are in a place of ability in this situation. Ability meaning you are able to be a mkae it or break it point for your father. Since you are his daughter, believe it or not, he loves you and hes a human and every human makes mistakes. He probably was unable to control his yetzer at the time of the mistake. Clearly the affects of his mistake have been affecting you too (and rightfully so you are allowed to be upset and angered by it). But think for a second, who is YOUR PERSONAL anger affecting? Really it is only you! your father has his own things he needs to deal with and doesn’t realize how he is affecting everyone around him.

so here is my advice! instead of resenting him, embrace him. Think of it as an OTD child to parents. Yes, the kid makes the family look bad and makes the parents upset and depressed and embarassed. But at the end of the day, it was not the parents fault (unless it was but were looking at a situation where it wasn’t). So to, your dads actions do not relfect who you are! an amazing inspiring, strong willed person! Anyone who does not recognize that, is not worth spending time explaing to! As for you, embrace your father. Show him that you love him for him and that you are ONE SHINING LIGHT, if not THE ONLY SHINING light in his life! He already is paternally attached to you, and I know hes hurt you and your family. I know it. And I’m so so sorry! But please try this other approach. Keep all your anger and direct it to an lolder person who will listen to your venting. And then come back to your father and tell him hes still your role model. And that you know that he has the ability to make teshuva. In this time for him, you have no idea how it can save him from doing even worse things. If he sees he has the support of someone so close to him, and that he hasnt let EVERYONE down! You can be the changing factor in his life!

I know this is going to be extremly challenging for you! But Hashem always makes things harder when something even more amazing will come out of it! (Like Avrohom inviting the guests into his tent even though he’d have a bris! Look how challenging it must have been, but he pushed through and Yitzchak was born because of it!)

TAOM – Kinda in a rush tonight. A zillion things going on. I don’t have time to fully read your post but I’ll make time hopefully tomorrow. But just a few things:

I’m reaaaaaaaally busy with midterms right now so i cant respond to any of your posts. Just want to say you guys are the best! I read all of your posts and they were so sweet. BH things are looking up. More details later. Have a gnight everyone!

TAOM-

I’ve wanted to post for a while. Sorry for the delay.

I was watching a clip of something recently, where someone very overweight was starting to work out with a personal trainer. The trainer pulled out 20 pound chains, and started putting them on him one by one until he had added 80 pounds extra. The trainer then explained to him that by his being at that weight, he was shlepping around weights that he never took off. To transfer that to life, some of the “weight” (stress) is impossible to take off, but if someone else can help carry even some of the extra, it means you have less to carry by yourself. A teacher you feel comfortable approaching will likely have your best interests in mind and do what she can to help you. You don’t have to get into the nitty gritty now, but its still a way to ease the load some. If you’re uncomfortable talking to her directly at first, maybe you can write her a note and leave it in her box in the office.

I think you’ve mentioned you want to go into social work. Doctors spend years going through rigorous schooling and training. When they finish with it, they can save lives. I’ve been there (different way), and I know sometimes its “just” hard, and sometimes it seems impossible but I believe pain is pain, whatever type. And maybe one day you can use the pain you’ve been through to help people.

Tears are incredibly powerful and every one goes somewhere. I’m sorry things are so hard now and I hope that you’ll be on to the bigger and better very soon IY”H. <3

TAU

*kapusta*

Yay, I’m almost done with these midterms! Two more tommorow and then I’m FRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!!

Kapusta, OUR, Shopping, Streek- I really appreciate all of your posts. IYH I’m going to respond tomorrow! Have a good day/night!

WOOOHOOOO! I’m counting down the hours ;)Though I’m not sure if I could make it here tonight, busy busy stuffs….but I’ll try my hardest!!

edited by mod-127

K FINALLLLLLY!!!!!

School is really way too much sometimes (always)…

My dad was in a good mood for a few days after that but then his old nature came through and he’s back to his cursing/ controlling self. I like this part of him more than the depressed dude that he was when he was in trouble with the law, but it’s still real hard having him as a parent and having to witness all he does first hand and still be obligated in kibud av. My sis is in therapy cuz of the strain he’s having on her but I’m not working, thus I don’t have the money to do so myself. Too bad, I’ll have to hold out on my own I guess…. BH life is back to normal which isn’t really normal but… the usual.

And I want to take this opportunity and thank all the wonderful people that posted such long messages even though they’ve never even met me in real life. Thank you for not jugding me, oh gosh i gtg. I’ll continue this soon.

It’s easier to approve it and then add comments, as we can’t edit unapproved posts. So you can check back a few minutes later.

Sigh. Mod, I’m trying so hard to be a model poster. Could you be kind enough to tell me where I slipped up so I could improve?

I’m always turning over leafs. Now that it’s fall I go out of my way to step on them sometimes, something I never outgrew.

So what should I do? Resubmit my post and you’ll edit whatever you don’t think is appropriate? I really don’t know what was wrong…

Hey btw was it you that switched my occupation in my profile?

A lot of posts about tznius issues get deleted because we try to stay on the safe side. We don’t edit posts.

Also, please press Enter twice between paragraphs, so that your posts are readable.

I think if you repost without the line about tznius and with paragraph breaks so it’s readable, it has a good chance of getting through. 🙂

It was not me who switched your occupation.

Mod 127

Shopping- Have you ever spilled your life story here? I’ve never seen it… I guess the mods are really fast! Thanks for pointing out that I shouldn’t be embarassed abt crying during davening. I’m usually not like that, but I guess I just want to look normal after everything that happened withmy dad. I just want them to forget about it and think of me as a typical high cchooler! Which is prbly not going to happen… Look, at least I’m trying!

OURtorah- The last time I tried doing that the person told everyone. Please stop posting stories or I will just delete the post. -127 I don’t want t o try again. I want to…. I dunno. I just want to wake up one bright morning and find that all my symptoms have disappeared. Whatevs….

mod 29 is so cute! He/She’s great at coming up with subtitles!

streek- THANK YOU for that post! I’ve been really worried lately about just the stuff you were saying- not being able to stop thinking about that stuff. I hope it’ll all go away by the time I’m your age. It’s not so much the images I remember, it’s the stories- I feel like they’ll be in my brain forever… And I always think of them at the worst times! During davening, on Shabbos, while giving a shiur in camp on the parsha… It’s awful! I heard a shiur by I think R’ Wallerstein, x sure, in which the speaker said that the soton doesn’t want you to be a ble to bring kedusha into the world and so whenever you are, he brings bad thoughts to your mind. If the person he’s distracting has a history with the internet, then it’s really easy for him to stop us! He just makes us think of the stuff we’ve seen and done and then we lose hope and stop bringing kedusha into the world. That shiur really helped me! I really admire you for having the strength to break outa your habit. By me it was more of an addiction than a habit, dunno about you. It seems I used the dark side of the internet to escape my issues instead of facing them… But B”H Hashem gave me the courage to stop. Life is harder without the constant distraction but it was def worth it.

What you said about the Soton bringing these thoughts specifically when we bring kedusha in to this world is so true, I’ve heard it before as well. What really helped me get over this habit (not an addiction B”H) was that I knew what triggered my actions so I was able to avoid putting myself in a situation that I couldn’t get out of. It’s been three years since my decision to shape up -I’m not that old, still a teen but barely- and I’ve fallen so so so many times since then, but as they say “sheva yipol tzaddik v”kam” just keep getting up and keep going.

Another thing “Life is like riding a bicycle – to keep your balance you must keep moving”. This works for me: fill your life with good things, don’t sit around and let inspiration pass by. Grab opportunities to grow, be it through a speech, working with special needs/sick kids, helping someone out secretly… it will all make you feel so good about yourself you wouldn’t want to come down from your spiritual high! And when you do come down, it’s much easier to get back up there cuz you know how good it makes you feel. It gets so so so much easier every time it happens, but then again the tests get harder and harder cuz otherwise how do you expect become all you can be?

Just btw – I downloaded that R’ Wallerstein speech you mentioned in your thread like 3 months ago. Wow! So powerful…not finished listening to it yet but it was strong enough to put me in tears – and that takes a lot. So thanks for that!

TOAM- im not sure who you told the first time, but try a Rabbi or Teacher. Someone older. An aunt is always someone good to confide in as they are in the family and aware of the situation. PLEASE PLEASE go talk to someone! And when you do spill everything, there will be NO MODS to cut you off lol. Just talk to someone you know is trustworthy. You can do it, we all have faith in you. I wish you ciould just wake up to happy days, but you need to do your Hishtadlus. At least try it ok? If it doesnt work at least you can say you tried and then we can come up with another plan, but I really think this will be helpful.

REMBER- HASHEM PUTS SPECIFIC PEOPLE WITH SPECIFIC CHALLENGES BECAUSE HE KNOWS!!!! THAT THEY CAN OVERCOME THEM AND COME OUT STRONGER! You must be very special and I could only wish I knew you in person because then I’d be a very lucky girl.

99th post 🙂 Someone’s popular here…

What kapusta says about seeking help through school is a great idea! One of my friends in high school’s therapy was completely covered by my school, and you also won’t have to worry about compromising your privacy as they know how to be discreet. I say to give it a shot, I’m sure there are wonderful people in your school that you could approach! (And in case you were wondering I only knew about this because I was having issues with this particular friend and my principal tried explaining to me where my friend was coming from and why she acted the way she did. Not sure if you recall the thread I started about her when I first came here, though it’s been practically deleted by now cuz it had too many details which I felt were identifying…)

But anyways, I’m laughing at my first post on this thread from 4 weeks ago: TAOM, while I haven’t gotten to know you that well, as our paths haven’t crossed that much in the CR….