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Don’t worry if it takes time to get him outa your head. Keep yourself busy and it’ll get easier iy”h.
I admire you for doing this…good luck!
okay-I want you to tell us two things that you did, from all the advice to keep yourself occupied.
I will tell u from experience- it takes a while but don’t think about him! Just don’t let ur mind go there!
think= if your brain is busy with something, it will not think about this situation, don’t walk home alone, walk with friends, don’t lay in bed daydreaming, put on a shiur on chazak, or on a tape recorder/ipod, if music works better then do that/ be strict with yourself-you are on a very hard assignment-it is the yetzer hora trying to keep you in his clutches. I wish i could tell you it will be over tomorrow, it is not that easy-but it can be done.
I don’t think you can block a thought out of your mind. You need help controlling HOW you think about things and how to go about your thoughts.
Nothing wrong in thinking about him. The question is WHAT you think and what results that brings.
people like diff types of shiurim, i love R’Ephraim Wachsman for serious, R’ Noach Weinberg a”h for very straight advice, R’ Orlofsky, when i want something easier to listen to, you can check out many different types of speakers, i like listening to the inspiring experiences that people had, right now there is a wonderful speaker on chazak – call 718 258 2008, after a few announcements, dial 3, wait, then 2,wait, then 101# (5 makes louder,8 lowers it,2 pauses and starts it again, 4 goes back, 6 fast forwards, aish.com has great articles, aish audio has great mp3’s, http://www.simpletoremember.com has some great speakers, http://www.puretorah.com – tell me what kind you like, i will try to help you find them. I think you are great to try so hard!
Read Gila Mansolen’s (or someting like that) books. Rabbi Orlofsky has a great shiur on plotonic relationships ( I never had a desire to talk to a guy after such lessons) If u understand a little deeper whats going on when u talk to guys, It would make more sence to stop, rather than trying to stop doing something u think u really wanna do cuz for sum reason everyones telling u not to….
I don’t know if you should think this is a big sign from heaven, or work so hard to understand what it all means…It is not such a mystery-it’s soooo normal- i am not an expert, and it would be good to seek help, but i think distraction, and overdosing a bit on ‘be good’ actions/books/shiurim/ is what you should focus on. You will automatically think about him-and it is painful-but if you are prepared, then you will have tools to deal with the difficult moments. I know everybody here is rooting for you, we will stay with you through this time. Everybody is talking about how Mashiach is coming any minute, won’t it be great to meet him knowing that you overcame such a big nisayon.
Yoyo: It really takes a lot of time to drive somebody out of your mind. (Especially someone you like) It kinda sticks there and is very hard to get rid of. First of all: It’s absolutely and totally NORMAL. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, it’s hard. Oh, it’s TORTURE!! Believe me, I know. I went throught it too. What I found was most helpful, was thinking that it’s just a phase that’ll PASS. Tell yourself it’s ok to miss him – after all he became a part of you! Don’t worry – you won’t miss him forever. IY”H, you’ll have a husband and he’ll be history. Just think of it as any nisoyon. Whenever you think abt him, just let the feeling wash over you, and then think logically. Does it make sense to miss him? Is he worth being missed? Do I really want him to be a part of my life? Then go and distract urself. Go out with friends, go shopping etc.. REMEMBER: DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!! You’re human and you’re going through something real tough and challenging. If you don’t succeed in forgetting abt him today, tell yourself you’ll be doing better tomorrow. Hatzlacha Rabba!!
You’ve got a lot of good tips here! I just wanted to add, that it all depends what the talk is about. If it makes you uncomfortable than you’re totally entitled to stop speaking with them! It doesn’t have to be done in a rude way, but it could be something like “yes”, “no”, thanks”, “bye”! Be prepared for “are you upset at us?” or “why are you in a bad mood?” Just give them a bizarre look, and that’ll be the end of it! Nothing to be scared of!
yoyo you can find this tape easily on the web – search for orlofsky platonic relationships, many shiurim are available, just do a search for the name of the speaker and free listening
yoyo, please, please, please check out Gila Manolson’s books. She writes a lot about the pros/cons of having relationships with the opposite gender outside of formal dating.
Its also a pretty light read, and I think you’ll find her ideas helpful.
She has four books out, and they’re on relationships, dating, love, tznius, and shomer negiah.
I think you’d find “Head To Heart” most relevant to your situation, but check out the others; they’re phenomenal!
Let me know how things work out! Good luck!
(btw- Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein has excellent shiurim on platonic relationships, plus he’s entertaining too!)
I have tried to post the site but it does not go through – as i said just do the searches that i have given you, it will come up
you are really amazing that you got so far! in such a short time- keep it up!!!
yoyo56
Good for you!!!! I’m so happy to hear that!!
I’ll let you know if I find the website! Good luck and make sure to treat urself for this!
Thanks for letting us know. I couldn’t stop thinking about you!! I’m really happy that you’ve overcome this challenge. Cheers!
I think you should tell your mother that you do have a crush on him, so that she will not tell you to go.
I think your mother will understand, and will not be upset at you, or respect you any less.
Yoyo- please tell us WHY you wouldn’t share it with your mom. At least tell her that you feel that HE has a crush on you. (Put the blame on him!)
don’t lose heart – you took an amazing step-stick with it – try not to go and if you have to go, try to be proud of how you act there – think about how it is all being video’d and written down – hatzlocha!!! you are moving mountains!
Maybe you could just tell your mom that this guy keeps watching you and talking to you, and it makes you uncomfortable.
yoyo- I cant believe that if you would be honest with your mother she would still feel this way. I think you have to be honest with her and DO NOT GO INTO THAT STORE! I will tell you from my experience that you need to give yourself at least 2 months without thinking about him (not sure who mentioned it, but someone mentioned white elephants and i think about them whenever he comes into my mind!) do not let your mind wander and think about him or other guys.
Yes, tell you mother he tried to assault you.
Good job Yoyo. I’m happy your mother knows about this now. You just keep showing UNinterest and snob him off!
yoyo, im a little confused by you because you just started a new thread asking whats wrong with tlking to the opp gen??? Also, for all the ppl telling her that its just a phase and she’ll forget abt it when she gets married iyh, unless you are at shidduch age, thats not even possible. You can’t ask a teen to do something in their life now bc they’ll be married in 4-8 years. If you’re still a teen its a lot more complicated and a challenge to deal with these guy-girl issues
i want to help you out with this, but I’m going to keep my posts on this subject from now on in your other thread
yoyo,
you know first hand the reason why it’s wrong. actually, consider yourself lucky to have stopped when you did. it could’ve gotten a lot worse.
The Yetser Hara in that matter is extremely strong. It will take you places where you should not be, make you do things that you should not do, and make you have feeling that you should not have. One small step can lead you down a slippery slope. You cannot fight it; no one can. That’s why you read about great rabbis that assiduously avoided women. With their learning and piety, they deeply understood the power of the Yetser Hara. They knew that even they might not come out unscathed. Think of a big buy fighting with a small guy. The gadol might win, but still might get bruised.
We are not such gedolim, and we may easily lose such a fight, so we must be even more diligent in our kedusha and prishut.
did they get rid of your other thread about this completely?!
Mods, don’t you realize we’re actually trying to have mature discussion about this?
jewish unity,
Please be aware that such discussions, while trying to be mature, can slide down a slippery slope. I think that my comment to that thread may have been more than needed.
I tried to more discrete and reiterate my ideas in better words above.
MDG, your probably right
Yoyo, I think you have to explain a bit more exactly what’s bothering you. It seems you’re a little confused. Also, as a general rule with anything, if 1) you’ve looked into an issue seriously (with your Rebbi/Morah), and 2) you have been genuinely 100% honest with yourself, and 3) you truly don’t believe there be an issue, then I think you can go ahead with whatever it is. However, I don’t think you can go through those steps regarding the prob of guys/girls and come out that there’s no negative effects. But tell me if you disagree
Yay yoyo!! U listened to the shiur!! The more u understand, the easier it will get..
I would say it’s OK as long as you are vigilant not to talk with them, nor give them eye contact, nor any friendly or welcoming body motions (like don’t face in their direction).
Think of it like animals of prey waiting for a chance to attack. If they see a sign of emotional weakness or your guard down, they will feel that they have the opportunity to attack.
They = wolves
You = sheep
Tsniut = sheppard
yoyo- stay away – i know it’s hard, you have to keep re-inspiring – rewiring yourself. Reread all the advice, relisten to the shiurim that you liked. Each step will make you grow stronger.
ok guys! here we go again! what should i do if i just cant stop thinking that I know that I like this guy! I do not want to marry him or anything like that and I did not go into the store for the longest time ever and I try not to think about him anymore but whenever I do I just am back to square one. shouldn’t my feelings for this guy be diminished at a certain time?
listen to rabbi orlovsky’s platonic relationship audio.
truth is your feelings may not be diminished so fast because your imagination is probably keeping it going. best thing is to keep yourself busy with friends, work, chessed, and dating.
oh yeah, and cleaning for pesach. 😉
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