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I’m scared I’ll never get married 🙁 . . .and it stinks b/c I know I’d make a great wife/mom. But I’ve been heartbroken before and I don’t know if I have it in me to keep going through this process. Maybe some of us weren’t meant for happy ever afters??
How old are you?
Do not give up, no matter how discouraged you feel. Dating can wreak havoc on a person’s self esteem. Build yourself up. Make sure you feel good about yourself, because then you will be more likely to choose someone who will be good to you and for you. Find friends who are in a similar stage to you, so you don’t feel alone. My closest friends married young. I met my “new” best friend at a shabbos table, and she’s become my closest friend ever since. My other close friends remain that way, but I added her to the pot. In fact, she and I met and married our husbands within two months of each other, after two years of being best friends and bemoaning the heartaches and hardships of dating, together. Lol!
Never give up! Of course you’ll get married. You’ll go much farther with a good attitude than with a depressed one. Just daven and believe that Hashem has your best interests in mind. Maybe take on a chessed or something that will give you extra zchusim
Daven, do good for others and stop feeling sorry for yourself
Everyone is meant for happily ever after’s. It just depends if you have the courage to keep fighting for it or not.
Take a short break, if you need (consult a rav first to be sure it’s recommended), to get perspective. Ask yourself and friends or relatives what they think the hold-up is. Are you being matched with people who are not what you’re looking for?? Are you what they are looking for? The clues may be in the answers to those questions. I was scared to commit, and so, found fault with everyone I was set up with. I also spent time trying to live up to an image I wanted to project to others, that I wasn’t ready for (marrying someone who wanted to learn full time). I have friends who are amazing girls, who aim for the stars, but don’t see their own issues. I’ve seen obese men insist on wanting only super skinny girls, older women wanting only younger looking men, women who pay no attention to their appearance wanting men who pay attention to theirs. Women who are modern saying they’ll meet with someone who’s VERY yeshivish. They had no clue why things weren’t working. Be brave and honest with yourself. It’s a sign of maturity. It’s an awful stage, but it too will pass. You do have a match out there for you. By the way, some women who I know who dated for a while and then married are some of the happiest people I met out there. It’s not when you marry, it’s who you marry.
Being positive and having a positive outlook is definitely the way to go!
May I add some suggestions.. Firstly- give in. Realize you will not find EXACTLY what you are looking for. BUT you do have to make sure you can live with these ‘faults’.
Secondly- a lot of girls and boys are afraid o open up and show who and what they realy are causing the date to be dropped cuz either person was afraid to ‘invest’. In case it wont work out the other person will know too much about me etc…
no matter what, something has to be investd. GOOD LUCK
Seahorse – To me; I can’t understand the idea of people giving up. I know many men and women, who weren’t even married one time and have given up. WHY???????
I doubt I’ll ever give up, for my second time, even if it looks bleak!
Seahorse
This may sound like obvious advice, but the key to not getting hurt is to get to know a lot about the person through conversation PRIOR to engagement. Most people don’t get to know their Chassan/Kallah until after they are engaged. Talk about all the things that you think are vitally necessary to know about the other person. You could find out what he likes to eat after the engagement lol.
Seahorse, I’m sorry that you had to go through such a difficult experience. It’s hard to return to the dating scene, especially after thinking that you were about to settle down for your bnb. Just remember you only need one guy to get married. Make sure you know what you want this time around (what’s important to you), look for those qualities when you are dating, and don’t settle for anything less.
Much hatzlacha! You are always welcome here for support 🙂
Better to find out before the wedding than after.
I respectfully disagree with WIY.
There are quite a few times that “conversation” will not highlight a person’s temper, rigidity, and stinginess as much as wedding planning will…..
As they say, you can thank him for the lessons he’s taught you and for making you one closer to your basherte…
Definitely keep your job 🙂
Just remember that the most important quality to look for is midos. You were lucky that it came out before marriage and you had the strength to do something about it. If you speak to some of the divorced people you mention, many will say that they saw something during engagement & but went through with the plans anyway.
Seahorse
“but it’s not easy to find someone frum in this crazy world.”
Maybe im making a snap judgement but it seems like frumkeit played a major role in the split. I agree that its hard to find genuinely frum people today. Im just wondering, what was it in his frumkeit that turned you off?
seahorse,
my sister didn’t get married until she was 26, my wife didn’t get married to me until she was 23
everyone has their own time
Seahorse
Wait, you mean you first realized after getting engaged that he doesn’t Daven learn or have shmiras eynayim? (For the record shmiras eynayim on the streets are extremely difficult and some guys have a harder time than others, so as a wife you will have to understand that and realize its a constant battle one which you will never comprehend and its not your job to mind his eyes, unless you mean willfully looking at pritzus like looking at magazines, movies…)
keep yourself busy with other hobbies also. may we hear good news soon.
I tot understand you and the only advice I can offer you is to stay busy and wait around for the right for the right guy to come around. I have a friend who had a key chain “waiting for the right guy to come around, until then hanging out with the wrong guys.”
Having a broken engagement can be heartbreaking, but it’s also possibly a good sign. First of all, it’s much more common than you think. Second, you took a chance to get engaged, that’s practice, if nothing else. Take it from someone with a fear of commitment; better to take a chance on someone, than never on anyone. Instead of looking at it from a perspective of pain, trauma, fear of being hurt again, try to refocus on how you can gain from the experience. Allow it to help you improve your ability to notice relevant information beforehand. Be determined to keep on going, and to weed out what you need to ask beforehand, either of the shadchan, or of your prospective mate once on the date. We often fear asking direct questions of others for fear we’ll scare them off, but if the answer can end the match, better to ask it, and get it out of the way. You’re feeling down and doubtful about your future won’t last forever. You just have to ride out this tough time, and keep on going.
Be willing to go out with someone like Lazer Wolf (a widower), and otherwise be less (I hate the word) picky, and Bezras Hashem you will find someone.
You have the right to be picky. Just be aware it may cost you a shidduch. That is your choice.
(I’ve posted on this many times before, others have disagreed)
Look at all the divorces/broken engagements/unhappy marriages of today.
Look at how many people are happily married today? Its not everyone, but its many.
A broken engagement makes it no harder for Hashem to get him to you. This may also be a good time to daven that he, (whoever, wherever he is) has Siyata Dishmaya in his Avodas Hashem in general and in the specific areas you found were problematic the last time around.
Please let us know when there is a Mazal Tov.
Hatzlacha
GAW -“Be willing to go out with someone like Lazer Wolf (a widower)”
And a Divorcee!
Who is Lazer Wolf?
shein – A rich butcher who was henpecked even when his wife was dead!
gavra_at_work & Health, you are right of course, but most people like to believe that they are “above” certain stigma, and deserve only the best. In reality, everyone has a skeleton in the closet. Daters should try to judge each situation individually.
There are three mains (listed on the aish website) for an appropriate shidduch: attraction, midos, and way of life (hashkafa). Everything else is unimportant. Let me give you an example. Both my sister’s husband and my first cousin lost their jobs right before marrying. Many women wouldn’t even date a man like that. Both couples are now happily married after many years, bli ayin hara. I thought about those three things in light of my current situation and realized one wasn’t there and the second was “iffy”. I think those are good guidelines to follow, not to get lost in long laundry lists of wishes.
Seahorse -“I find it difficult to find someone with the same hashkafa as me . . . is it necessary to be on the same exact wavelength religiously or could you get married and then grow together and find some common ground where you’re both comfortable?”
It’s almost impossible to do the latter.
“Also, while I understand one shouldn’t be too picky, I don’t get all this Lazer Wolf talk . . . the man was like twice Tzeitel’s age!!!!”
See the topic in the CR titled:
“Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?”
what should i do if today I dont feel like I want to get married anymore…. Im just so busy and now I have to stick dating into my life and its always back and forth about times and days…. i just dont have patience!!!!!!!
what should i do if today I dont feel like I want to get married anymore…. Im just so busy and now I have to stick dating into my life and its always back and forth about times and days…. i just dont have patience!!!!!!!
You have no Mitzva to get married, so no need to push. Trust Hashem that when you are ready, the right one will arrive.
well if I dont date because Im to in the mood then how can the right one come around?!?!?!
Some hashkafic differences are make it or break it issues, others are not. I wanted to live in Israel. I believed we should live in Israel, rabbeim told me not to make it an issue. I didn’t and I don’t regret it. Religious lifestyle (type of school to send your kids/how you would want to educate them) makes a very big difference. It is cause for tremendous conflict when one want to send their kids to a modern yeshiva and another wants a more yeshivish one. I can tell you one thing:DO NOT count on growing together and anyone changing. You must be able to truly accept where they are and assume there will be no changes. What will you do if they don’t change??? Too risky. A couple, IMHO, should start out fairly similarly, and then you grow together.
well if I dont date because Im to in the mood then how can the right one come around?!?!?!
(To paraphrase)
patience learn, will you.
(From one of the great Mussar masters. Chochma B’Goyim Ta’amin).
Adorable, I don’t know how old you are, but being too busy to date is not a good idea. Time passes, and it does not get any easier. There is a lot of age discrimination. A brief break to get in touch with yourself, ok. A big break, so you can pursue other goals, yikes. Be careful. You can’t get back the time you devote to other things.
I have so much freedom now. just pick up and do things at night… or by day… and im going to be losing that and have to start settling down and making supper, laundry… raising kids… its just so scary to me
thanks everyone for the advice. I am in my early twenties.
I realize this is painful for you, but give me a break. How many years have you been dating? If you are in your early twenties, I started dating before you were born. I know other people who have been dating nearly as long.
There are still plenty of available men who want someone your age. Stop complaining.
Seahorse. Looking back now, were there hints to the concerns while you were dating that you ignored, or was it totally unexpected?
Adorable:
I know from where your anxiety comes, because I felt it myself, and it prevented me from making a committment for years. What you’re describing is a fear of responsibility/ commitment. Believe me, that fear does not go away with time. The lifestyle you seek that offers a lot of freedom to come and go will only fulfill you for so long. There will come a day when you will yearn for more, when you will heartily give up the freedom to “live” in order to make a “life” for yourself with another. Loneliness will win out. Maybe you’re not ready yet. Just think about whether you really have the luxury of time. Committing to be there for your family is hard, but frankly, being alone is harder in my opinion. I know my friends who married before me yearned for freedom, but they did not yearn to be single without children. They wanted the blessings of marriage and kids and also opportunities to enjoy the world. Although you may not be able to have as much free time as you want, you will still have time. Marriage is not a ball and chain attached to your foot. If anything, it’s a companion to grow with, to love and be loved by, it’s someone to share your dreams with.
gavra_at_work -“You have no Mitzva to get married, so no need to push.”
From the topic in the CR titled:
“Who wants to be a Tzadaikes like Rus?” –
“also, a woman, from my understanding, does NOT have a chiyuv to get married.”
“This is totally not true, even though I brought above one Shitta who holds this way.”
(That Shitta is a Das Yochid, so you can’t Pasken like him.)
Health: Are we going to get into a sheves vs. peru Urivu discussion? I have no interest.
gavra_at_work -“Health: Are we going to get into a sheves vs. peru Urivu discussion? I have no interest.”
[Sorry for not replying earlier -away for Shabbos Nachmu.]
Actually, I’m not going to discuss Lomdis, but the S’A paskens a woman has a Chiyuv to get married for a different reason. Just ONLY one Achron learns the S’A as an Eitza, not as a Chiyuv. Most learn that it is a CHIYUV!
Seahorse -“I’m confused, do women have an obligation to get married?” YES, they do!
“I thought we don’t because only men have to have kids.”
While they aren’t included in the Mitzva of “Pru OOrevu”, the S’A states another reason why they have to get married!
Seahorse -“I’m confused, do women have an obligation to get married?” YES, they do!
“I thought we don’t because only men have to have kids.”
While they aren’t included in the Mitzva of “Pru OOrevu”,
When I was an ancient single, I went to a gadol with the same question so that I could just stop dating already. He told me, of course you have to go out, how can the man do the mitzvah without you? He then gave me a more detailed answer as to the woman’s obligation (and he gave me some good advice, which I acted upon and I got engaged about two weeks later, b”H).
Hatzlacha 🙂
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