This is what I’ve been waiting for

The iDuh™️ is a revolutionary new feature coming to all operating systems this fall. Thanks to a groundbreaking new form of stand-alone AI, dealing with idiots is a thing of the past.

We all have that one friend, relative, coworker, who just doesn’t seem to get it. And by it, we mean everything. Countless times, you’ve heard their specialized alert tone at 3 in the morning, wanting to know more specifics about Bermudan flying fish, or inquiring if maybe your dead wife can bring cookies to the office picnic. You’re no longer alone. Our software will analyze all incoming messages and alerts, and positively identify and respond to anything it deems to be below a specific intelligence threshold so that you don’t have to. The threshold will, of course, be determined on a case by case basis. The less intelligent the owner of the device is, the more idiotic texts will be let through.

Threshold levels range from super intelligent, which may block physics questions not exactly up to par, all the way down to the lowest, which will basically let anything short of ‘which way is left again?’ through. Default response tone settings also differ depending on threshold level, from barely held in rage to thinly concealed contempt.

We are committed to our community’s mental health issues. Therefore if someone asks a question like ‘which way is up?’, our system will intercept him and respond, in order to give the chance to puzzle it out himself, hopefully raising his IQ just a bit. If, however, they were to write something along the lines of ‘which way is up?’, followed ‘who cares, everything is stupid, I’m gonna go jump off a building’, then it’s allowed through, several resources in your area are referred, and if you don’t calm them down within a certain amount of time, the fire department is sent to their location.

As of now, responses generally come in three formats which must be complied to. After selecting a format, a blank template appears, which is filled out according the guidelines of that format. As of now the three formats are: annoyed/angry, which basically just asks the sender what the heck is wrong with their brain; contemptuous, which (more or less) politely explains to the sender that they’re dumb as a box of rocks and should consider the DMV as a career choice; and gently condescending, which at its roots is simply several ways of conveying the basic premise of ‘Oh sweetie, let me explain why what you just said was moronic’. (The GC format prefers the word moron over other similar adjectives, as studies show that people take less offense to it than other descriptions of their mental capabilities. Of course, those people were idiots, so they weren’t very hard to convince that moron as a term was a step up.)

We are working hard to provide more options, services, and features, as quickly as we can, as these days it seems like our services are more needed then ever. Ironically, usage of our products is the leading cause for this. You’re welcome, and thank you for continuing to be addicted to your phones.