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I introduced two BTs about a year ago and the Shidduch was on and off, with effort involved. Fast forward to last week the couple got engaged. Both contacted me to say Thank You. This week someone who knows them asked me if I was at the engagement party. I thought perhaps the engagement party was out of town, because both are from out of town, and thats why neither invited me. It was not, it was in Manhattan.
I politely emailed both Chassan and Kallah and mentioned that in all my years of making Shidduchim I have never missed an engagement or a wedding where I was the Shadchan, that I could get to by car. I said I would have loved to share in their Simcha.
No response from either in the last two days. They have absolutely no reason to be upset with me, I never mentioned a word about a cent of Shadchanus or anything else that might have made them upset.
This is uniquely strange because generally very frum BTs are extra Temimusdik and dont want to hurt a fly.
How do I get to the bottom of this?
Don’t.
Let it go.
I already got to the bottom of it.
1. They had no idea that the etiquette would be to invite you. They probably actually didn’t invite anyone and just let it get around by word of mouth. Since you aren’t a particularly close friend, and are not part of their group of friends, you didn’t find out.
2. They’re embarrassed by your email, since they now think they did something wrong. And are not sure how to reply, hence the no reply.
3. Why did you email them? Ok, you missed the party. What do you want them to do or say?
“Both contacted me to say Thank You”
That is your hakaras hatov! why do you expect anything else? You are a professional, not a friend.
“I politely emailed both Chassan and Kallah and mentioned that in all my years of making Shidduchim I have never missed an engagement or a wedding where I was the Shadchan”
Sounds like you care more about yourself than their simcha. If you truly cared about their simcha you would let them do what they want during this special time and not make them feel awkward.
I just want to know if I did anything to upset them.
No you don’t, because none of us could possibly answer that.
Ok should you have been invited? of course, but there was nothing to be gained by sending those emails it made them feel bad and you also, so going forward don’t have any expectations from these two, should they apologize? probably but I wouldn’t wait by the phone if I were you.
Why did you think that they were upset at you before your email?
IMHO it was not necessary to point out that they were BT’s. Why the label?
AZOI.IS has every right to feel dejected. It does not matter that the couple is BT or anything else, the decent thing to do would have been to invite (thats really the least one can do) and by not getting an invite the shadchan has every right to send the email. that being said, i dont know if there is any way to “get to the bottom of it.”
on the one hand you are asking random strangers what you may have done wrong, on the other hand when those same random strangers suggest what it is you may have done they are accused of negativity and mussaring.
Mazel Tov! I can’t wait to hear what this new couple does wrong. 😉
“I never mentioned a word about a cent of Shadchanus or anything else that might have made them upset.”
“This is uniquely strange because generally very frum BTs are extra Temimusdik and dont want to hurt a fly.”
“How do I get to the bottom of this?”
Tell me what I didnt comprehend O wise one.
Demanding hakaras hatov seems a little odd. Who were you making the shidduch for you or them?
AZOI.IS,
Glad to know that the issue turned out to not be an issue at all!
Given that your OP provided enough specific detail for the couple to potentially identify themselves, but not enough detail for us random posters to really assess the situation, is it possible that you may have been using the CR to attempt to contact this couple to find out whether they were upset by something? If so, I would be careful doing that, because it could potentially cause hurt feelings. If this wasn’t your intention, perhaps it would be a good idea to minimize or even change the specific details (e.g., location of the party, timing of the engagement, religious history of the couple, length of the shidduch, etc.) to avoid the possibility of unintentionally getting “outed.”
Glad you found out the story 🙂
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