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What are productive topics or issues that should be discussed on a date that will help the boy and girl see if they are suited for each other?
1st and 2nd date is just stam shmoozing just to see if in any way it is a possible match. Then is business…
Habits. Life. Goals. Work.
Don’t scare off date on the first date with specific plans for the future and don’t be too self centered in the conversation. If you feel that it is a one sided conversation and you’re doing most of the talking, ask your date about his/her habits, life, goals, work 🙂
If all else fails, there’s always the weather 🙂
you should talk about this weeks parshah
Why do I get the feeling that until now, all comments have been made by singles?
A good topic is ur day to day routine, school, dorm life etc.
Weather. Politics. Walk around instead of sitting down.
Talk about the things you really hate about shidduch dating. That ought to keep you busy for a while! 😉
talk about the CR of course! 🙂
oomis, lol! I once told a guy on a date that dating makes no sense and I’m going to start arranging singles events. He was literally ROTFL!
~a~
charlie brown, i wouldnt embarrass myself that way.
Your average 19 to 24 year old does not have major “goals” other than: get married, have children, learn/get a job. Whatever job the girl is at now- she doesn’t plan to change (other than becoming a mom & some drop the job). Unless a boy is in college, you know what his goals are.
After all- YOU ARE NOT DATING YOUR CHAVRUSA ;);)
A general conversation is always safe because if you have something in common it will natually develop into something more interesting and if not you will find the conversation even in general terms stifled.
However even if the first date does not go down too well, please try again because very often on the first date both guys and girls are nervous or trying too hard. So give it another go, you never know…..
Good luck to all those looking for a shidduch and may this Bain Hazmanim bring many simchas.
god, you people are so serious? it that honestly what you talk about??
moish- we date so that we can find our bashert, not to hang out
hey my last post didn’t make it. ok rephrase: um… isn’t it normal for people to stam talk? my parents aren’t all that serious when they talk to each other. at least not in front of us, they aren’t. you people marry based on a goal? that’s a little crazy – how about personality?
mind you, i’m blank about this stuff. no older siblings or anything either.
Moish has a point. Besides you can learn a lot from a person on how they talk in just some random conversation rather than in some really serious conversation.
aussie- it’s not that serious, it’s called Focused; So that you’re not wasting time on a (sometimes) lost cause. Plus- it’s not encouraged to stam shmooz with a strange girl 😉
I always wondered more than what to talk about, how do you start a conversation?
Moish, you don’t TALK about personality, you sense a person’s personality when on a date. Yes, goals are important. You don’t marry based solely on a goal, but hey, you gotta know you’re both on the same page.
Areivim…I hope you’re kidding.
I personally don’t believe you PLAN what to discuss on a date, but there are things that do and should get discussed and goals are definitely one of them, if you’re both dating for marriage. Work goals, family goals, life goals…absolutely.
i dunno – let me know when you go on a shidduch date and tell me how it goes 😉 you’re before me, aussie.
obviously not. i dunno – don’t you talk like it’s a regular friend? i can’t pinpoint what i talk to my friends about. just whatever comes up, no? i never actually had a full fledged conversation with a stranger so i can’t really say.
well, isn’t every person a stranger at some point in time? Or did you know every person that you know now since you were born?
~a~
anonymisss: Usually when you meet someone new it is not some random person who you decide to go to a lounge somewhere and talk for 2-3 hours. You meet them through working, school, or other freinds.
and you are not usually forced (meaning you don’t have the option of just leaving) to make conversation with one other person (not in a group setting or anything).
The place where both of you decide to on the Shidduch sets the tenor. Zoos and Kosher Ice Cream Parlors (for example) are public fun places to meet. Keep the first meetings relaxed (no longer then an hour and a half) by concentrating on getting to know the other person, asking about their individual family essentially their growing up experience. Do not talk about marriage goals at this time (save this for later meetings if this is the case), personal chemistry is more important. Do I feel comfortable around the other person, if you have doubts talk to your Rav. or the Shadchan whether to proceed or end the Shidduch.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about the parsha, you could talk about beur teffila. Bitul torah is out of the option. It’s only muttar after you get married for shalom bayis.
aussie, do you mean to say that you usually have something in common when you meet? If yes, then I hear that, you do have a point.
~a~
anonymiss- You may not have something in common, but after the first couple of meetings will determine if there is any kind of Personal Chemistry. Give the other person a chance, and do not make any kind of decision until the two of you have had a Civil Conversation, and probed each others mind. After two or three meetings both of you will have a clearer understanding as far proceeding or ending the Shidduch. Never rush a Shidduch let it unfold naturally in it`s own time and way.
head in the sand, sorry but that sounds ridiculous. i half expect you to say that it’s assur to marry a woman who might cause you to do bittul torah…
anonymisss, and you’re not forced to have a one to one conversation for however long. it’s more chilled and there are other people around.
moish01: yeah, that’s what i was saying (the 2nd point)
Skates: hobbies, the future, family…
head in the sand: keep your head there.
moish- the bottom line is: being that your date is a stranger and is not familiar with you yet, you need to have various topics to open conversation (so that future conversations can be more relaxed, as you said)
mepal- my thoughts exactly 😉
well, i’m outta this thread. don’t know why i’m butting in if i have nothing to do with this stuff anyway. maybe i’ll come back in a few years (how about ten, areivim…?)
by the way, i thought people like him are called “head in the clouds.” why sand? (maybe take this to the other thread about your screen name…)
head in the clouds is someone that’s a dreamer/not realistic
head in the sand is someone close minded/naive
areivimzehlazeh
Member
moish- the bottom line is: being that your date is a stranger and is not familiar with you yet, you need to have various topics to open conversation (so that future conversations can be more relaxed, as you said)
head over to the humor thread for a joke relating to this
areivim: i thought “head in the sand” meant in denial, avoiding reality like an ostrich??
AOB, i can’t believe you just helped me get a joke from a looooong time ago. maybe over a year ago. don’t even remember who said it and what they said exactly. wow i can’t believe it.
Who cares what it means? Either way, ames is much in agreement that shallow talk is unacceptable and is surely an excellent gauge as to how much a guy is machshiv torah.
I think this thread is about to become the second, “Date a girl or your chavrusah” thread.
Very true. Let’s keep this on topic, what are good conversation topics for dates?
head in the sand: Most guys are not going to go on a date and start talking about a dvar torah they heard in shiur that day, or a question that they came up with. Its 2009 and while you may not like it people talk about random things that have nothing to do with torah. We are not rishonim and achronim and we dont learn every second of every day and you shouldnt expect people to be either.
The first time people meet on a Shidduch I think is a time for (light talk) talking about their biological families. So that the two of you can get to know who you are talking to at a more personal level. Meaning talk (in a polite and courteous manner) about where you were born, where you were educated (Cheder, Bais Yaakov, Secular Elementary- High School) Your Life Story…Talk about your Parents, Siblings, Dod, Dodah, Saba, Safta, Nechadim… Keep it light without talking about goals and future Marriage Plans at this point. There is a tacit understanding why you decided to go out and meet, so no need to state the obvious. I think the purpose of the first meeting is to determine if you want the potential Shidduch to advance.
How about talking about things happening in the world, hobbies, intrests, stuff like that.
ab- Fantastic this is good, this is about who we are which helps both people understand each other better.
Not overdoing divrei torah on a date does not mean you are not machshiv torah. A girl does not sit and learn gemara and is most likely not interested in your Rosh Yeshiva’s shiur of the day. I am not saying that a girl wouldn’t appreciate it. I am saying that a date is not the time to share shiurim. End.
A 1st or 2nd date is a time to get to know one another, as yankdownunder said very well.
PS- i had mentioned: a (few?) small dvar/divrei torah is/are ok because it fits in and is enjoyable, without being too heavy. You don’t want to create a very concentrated atmosphere. If you’re discussing something deep that you have in common is another story altogether….
ames, I hear what you’re saying but lakol zman v’ais (there is a time and place for everything)
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