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There is someone I am very close with who is officially the nicest person in the world. Seriously, she would give the shirt off her back if there was the need. Thing is, she can’t say no to anyone and people are really starting to take advantage of her. Also, she can not keep to her commitments with family and friends because someone else needs her desperately so how can she say no? I’ve watched this problem become worse and worse. It seems that she feels that when she gives to others, others will like her more, sort of like a self esteem problem. So in a way she’s being selfish by being selfless. I tried bringing it up with her more than once but nothing. She says “If I don’t do it, then who will?”, which is nice and all, but at whose expense??? It’s really beginning to kill her… How do I bring this up in a way she will listen?
You’re her friend, not her psychologist. I feel you should try to learn from her to be less selfish and be a real friend to her rather than yet another person who takes from her.
streekgeek- I used to be like that in a sense. Someone told me that “im ein ani li mi li” means that if I don’t stand up for myself, then no one else will. Others can worry about themselves.
There is a difference between being a baalas chessed, and being a shmattah. The shmattah is only perceived as good as its last good job. You can do something 1,000 times for someone, but if the 1,001st time you say no, all the good you did is forgotten quickly.
There is such a thing as being good to a fault. If your friend is neglecting her family in order to do these things for other people, her priorities need to be reassessed. Quickly.
Been there, done that. I think she will have to learn the hard way. But you are right that a lot of it comes from a need to be needed so instead of telling her what she is doing is wrong (tho it is), tell her how wonderful she is.
Trust me, one day she’ll get a problem sge can’t handle…i guess she’ll havta to learn the hard way…
She says “If I don’t do it, then who will?”
Tell her that this is most true when it comes to her own family.
buy her the book Real Power
streekgeek
If she wont listen to you maybe your parents or a teacher should speak to her.
by dr. Dovid Lieberman. Or buy it for yourself, and conveniently leave it lying around 🙂
I know someone who once said:
I’m not mean, I just know how to say no.
If it’s a self- esteem issue, find ways to boost her self esteem. There are probably books out there to help raising the self esteem so she can put her needs first, and feel good about it.
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