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Does everything have to match up?
Maybe b’esrat Hashem when I am married I will go with my husband’s hashkafah.
For now, does consistency matter? Or can I mix and match prayers such as a Sephardi bedtime prayer and an Ashkenazi Havdalah?
Background: I already use an Ashkenazi siddur yet rightfully [paternally] eat kitniyot on Pesach.
Today I was looking at those lamenated bedtime prayer pages in a bookstore. One was pinkish with a flowery design. Another silver and blue with a picture of the night sky and a moon.
At first I thought one was for girls and the other for boys. However the actual prayers texts were different.
Turns out that one was Ashkenazi and the other Sepharadi. I could be wrong, but I think the bookstore employee said that Mizrachim also use the Sephardi one.
I didn’t know which to get and then someone told me, “You have to choose what you are.”
Eeeks! Talk about pressure. I chose the one that I liked aesthetically the most. It was calming, so I figured it would motivate me to actually read it before bed.
When I realized that the other prayer cards that I looked at also varied by Ashkenazi vs Sepharadi, I just put them down. I don’t even remember anymore what they were about. I just had enough decisions [to process] for the day.
Ashkenaz is simply the absolute Best!! Period!! Lightbrite:- Always pray Ashkenaz, and you shall never look back and shall never regret.
You should be consistent. If your father was Ashkenazi you should be Ashkenazi until you get married (you will not have to change your hashkafa, only your minhagim although some poskim allow keeping your davening nusach if trying to change will hurt your kavana). As for habara, if you learned Hebrew according to the Israeli habara you can use it in davening (the same goes if you are of Hungarian or German descent and learned the Lithuanian accent, etc.) as trying to daven differently could hurt your kavana. Some say that in any case you should pronounce Hashem’s name with “oy” atthe end rather than “ay” as the latter sounds like “my lords” but others disagree. See “????? ????? ??????? ????? ?????? ????? ????? ??????” (on-line).
If paternally you eat Kitniyot on Pesach, that means that your father is sefardi and that makes you sefardi. You should be praying all tefillos and brachot in that nusach- nusach edot hamizrach (as opposed to Nusach sefard, which is not really sefardi, but the version that Hasidim use). Many baalei Tshuva end up taking on the customs/minhagim of whomever they learned by and helped them become religious, but that is because they don’t know what their family’s minhagim are. If you are lucky enough to know, then it is amazing that you can follow your family’s customs and be another link in the family chain of tradition.
Lightbrite, you are on a journey, and there are a lot of confusing questions/issues that come up. It’s impossible to decide these issues based on feelings, no matter how righteous your heart it. There are probably many things you do not even realize are questions. Do you have a Rav/mentor/Rebbitzin that can guide you, answer your questions, and give advice on what you take on and how fast?
This is the type of thing that you should ask a sheilah about, since I would imagine that it really might depend on the individual. It’s possible that the facts that you are in the process of becoming Frum and that you are a single girl in the process of trying to get married would be reasons for allowing you to be more lenient.
If you want my opinion, I think that some of the things that you are asking about are things that might not matter so much which way you do. I really don’t think it matters which bedtime Shema you say. There are no issues of making a bracha l’vatala here. And if you chose the one that is more likely to motivate you to say it, that sounds like a good choice to me.
Btw, I could be wrong, but I don’t think you are obligated in bedtime Shema – certainly not the parts after Shema and V’ahavta (besides possibly the bracha of hamapil, although I don’t know if that is different for Sefardim). I think that most girls and women do say the entire bedtime Shema and it’s a very good thing to do, but I don’t think it’s something you should feel pressured about if it’s too hard for you. And I certainly can’t imagine it matters which one you say.
In terms of havdala, do you usually make it yourself or hear it from someone else? If you hear it from someone else, I don’t think it matters. If you make it yourself, I also don’t think it would matter – it probably depends what type of differences you are talking about. If the differences are before the brachas, I don’t think it would matter.
You really should ask a Rav who knows you or at least knows your situation. If you ask a Rav who doesn’t know you, make sure you explain some basic details of your situation – for example, that you are in the process of becoming religious, and that you are a single girl hoping to get married soon, etc.
But until you have a chance to ask, I think you should chill out and continue doing things the way you have until now until you hear differently.
When you do ask a sheilah, one thing you may want to ask about is brachos. One of the big differences between Ashkenazim and Sefardim has to do with which brachos women are allowed to say.
An Ashkenazi Rav can give advice to a Sephardi girl and vice versa. If there is a specific question that they can’t answer and feel you need to ask a Sephardi Rav, they will tell you so.
Whenever you ask sheilahs to an Ashkenazi Rav, it may be a good idea to mention that you are Sephardi. But you should first speak to a Rav to find out to what extent you should be following Sephardi minhagim/halachos. I am just thinking that if you mainly date Ashkenazi boys, it may be complicated for you to have to learn everything one way now and then relearn it when you get married. So that may be something to ask a Rav about.
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