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I was reading about a certain marriage issue and the article had a good point. I won’t repeat the story, but here’s the lesson.
Life is so busy with work and kids etc. Many couples don’t spend enough with time each other, and their small problems with each other just grow. The first step is both have to be willing to improve. Sometimes, in a generally okay marriage, the problem might be that the couple doesn’t communicate enough. Either it’s hard for them, or they’re busy. So they don’t know what might be bothering the other. They need to talk and work things out, so they strengthen their relationship. Plus, since life is busy, they should set aside time just for each other. This is also good for the kids because they need a home with sholom bayis.
I totally agree, and that is why my husband and I have “date night” every Tuesday evening when he gets home. Whether we go out for a pizza, or just sit on the boardwalk,it is our uninterrupted time together.
I wish I can get out alone with my hub once a week. Problem is with sitters for the kids. They are a fortune!
Any advice out there?
smartcookie-get some teenager to watch the kids for a few hours and you shouldn’t have to pay too much.
oomis1105, do you still share a tuna sandwich on Fridays?
Smartcookie – you can also do a date night at home (this works when your kids are little).
Also, try trading babysitting hours with a friend – you’ll come to her place once a week and she’ll come to yours.
Although our lives are both very busy right now (three teens, both of us in school, etc.) we *try* to make sure to have some together time alone. Unfortunately it does not always work, but when we do get to go out on a date, we make sure to make the most of it.
The Wolf
When looking at “strengthening relationships” having independent quality time definitely helps. It is not always possible. Make an effort to do something extra to please your spouse. Ideas: an encouraging text, special prepared lunch, loving note in portfolio or lunch,etc. I think its those little things that can make a difference.
I agree with estherh.
If it is difficult to go out at least once a week with your spouse (which i’m sure it is for many of us) then you can show him/her that you care in small, seemingly insignificant ways.
An email, text in middle of the day checking how he/she is doing.Or perhaps preparing a special lunch that you know he enjoys.
We mak every effort to go for a walk on Sunday, and eat supper as a family each night.
And we always speak respectfuly to each other, especially in front of the kids.
She does not e-mail, I don’t text, so that’s out. I eat suppers leftovers for lunch, so I guess you can count that as a bonding relationship; I clean up, she prepares a meal that I enjoy(ed)
BP totty- besides emailing and texting, let’s not forget the old fashioned technique- VERBAL!! Not compliment each others and make our spouse feel great with a few words!!
“oomis1105, do you still share a tuna sandwich on Fridays? “
ABSOLUTELY. How cute that you remember! We do all our errands, shopping, doc appointments, etc. then, because my husband is off on Fridays, but at some point, ya gotta eat, so we go to the same place every Friday late morning/early afternoon to share a tuna bagel.
BP Totty- just FYI you can send an email to her phone and she can text to your email.
Smart cookie – Yes, we do talk (during supper and on the walk). She rarely takes a phone call during these times, and if she does, its only for a minute or so (unless its her family or really important).
Lkwood wife – Really? That is news to me, but worth investgating.
Thanks
BP Totty,
To send a text message from your email account, you need to find out the domain based on your cell phone provider. For example, a phone with Verizon may be [email protected], Sprint phones may be [email protected], etc.
You can easily find the address to use on the company’s website.
The reverse is even easier – send a text message from a phone to an email account simply by typing in a valid email address instead of a phone number as the text destination.
If you’re using spring service, then you would email to- 0000000000(replace with ur wifes cell#)@messaging.sprintpcs.com
Ok, I just tried it. But does this mean I’m going to need to learn to type in text-shorthand? And know all those 3 letter abbreviations?
Oh, the price I pay for sholom bayis!
I think over and above emails and texts are hand written notes and if and when possible phone calls.
Married couples should not be going out on “dates” or spending more time with each other than necesary to run the household.
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Men are suposed to be learning Torah teaching theyre sons Torah or supporting the family and women are suposed to be runing the household. Theres no reason for couples to have “free” talk time – its against what the Torah wants.
Mosherose- ur so right. Most households on this planet have the husband sitting in bais hamedrash ALL DAY AND NIGHT, and the wife is busy ironing and cooking at this time.
Great marriage.
The torah wants us to be realistic too. We have to do ALL WE CAN to keep our marriages strong so we can have happy kids.
ya mosherose! the torah definitely does not want people to work on their relationships with their spouse!
and do u even no pshat in that mishna? wat sicha is refering to?
maybe seek daas torah…
“Married couples should not be going out on “dates” or spending more time with each other than necesary to run the household.”
I am curious – are you married yet?
Oooh Moshe, did you step on a landmine with this one!
For openers, I’m inclined to agree with Oomis.. you’re probably single.
2nd – I’m not sure what Dovv is referring to, but it just so happens, I did hear a terrific pshat on this mishnah:
“Sicha”, meaning mindless chatter is to be avoided with your wife. Talk to her like an adult! Talk tachlis! The pshat was illustrated by a story of an adom godol (don’t remember which one, and note taking on Shabbos afternoon is not an option) whose Rebbitzin, of many years, was niftar. His children suggested that he consider remarrying. His reply: “Do you think your mother can be replaced just like that? Do you know the hours we spent talking about inyonie emunah and ruchniyus? She was more than just a housewife.. we shared some of the deepest thoughts and understood each other in ways I cannot describe.”
Too bad I don’t remeber the godol’s name (it would blow Moshe Rose out of his seat).
I’m sure there are other pshatim (and would love to hear them!) but clearly Moshe’s glasses are “Rose” tinted!
Get with the program, Moshe. Wifes are our friends / partners / alter-ego / you name it.
They understand us better that we understand ourselves. (Gee, I hope Mrs. BP reads this post!)
EDITED
Heh. Personally, sometimes some of the “silly talk” we have is the best talk we have. 🙂 Eeeees and I had quite a few laughs and a good time designing a whole conversation around a typo that I made in an IM to her earlier in the day.
The Wolf
How would that fit into the mishna in Avos that moshe rose quoted???
How would that fit into the mishna in Avos that moshe rose quoted???
Simple. For our relationship, a certain amount of humor is necessary for the growth and health of the relationship.
Tell me, missme, how much talk should be permitted?
The Wolf
As it happens, we were out last night with another couple. He and I talked of about 10 minutes, and the two Mrs talked for the better part of 2 hours, with the two of us just nodding or yes / no-ing when asked for our input.
On the way home, Mrs BP says she had a great time (and I’m wondering how I was of any help towards this fun), but that is the cost of a good realtionship. Not always talking.. sometimes just listening. And yes it takes time, but worth every minute
“Personally, sometimes some of the “silly talk” we have is the best talk we have.”
“Simple. For our relationship, a certain amount of humor is necessary for the growth and health of the relationship.
Tell me, missme, how much talk should be permitted?”
Thats not for you to decide. did you ask a rav how much talk is the right amount? Did you ask if your aloud to have “silly talk” especially when the mishna clearly sayz your not supposed to talk too much?
Just out of curiosity, is talking to a wife on the same level as talking to another woman? (That would be relatives, co-workers etc)
You aren’t allowed to unnecessarily talk to another woman.
Kapusta- absolutely not. Let’s not kid ourselves. Extra talk with other women really is ASSUR(as long as you’re being a mentch).
Thats not for you to decide. did you ask a rav how much talk is the right amount? Did you ask if your aloud to have “silly talk” especially when the mishna clearly sayz your not supposed to talk too much?
No. B”H I’ve been married for nearly twenty years and have a wonderful relationship with my wife that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I know better than anyone else (including any rav) how to relate to my wife. I do not need to ask a shaila on how to talk to my wife, thank you very much.
The Wolf
mosherose, of course you’re allowed to make “silly talk” with your future spouse. In fact, before he started dating, my husband asked his rav (a well-known rosh yeshiva) about talk and dating in general. His rav wisely told him that the first couple of dates should definitely be laid-back, not talking “tachlis,” more shmoozing, because after all, for most of your married life you talk about regular, everyday occurrences and other so-called “silly talk.” We’ve been married for quite a few years now and of course that’s true – we don’t spend our time discussing Torah (well, sometimes, but it’s definitely not a big part of our communication) or learning together. Most people don’t!
mosherose, of course you’re allowed to make “silly talk” with your future spouse.
LAer, you missed his point. He objected to “silly talk” I made with Eeees during the last month — and we’re married 19 years!
The Wolf
Wolf, true. But the rest of my post did say that most of our daily conversations are “silly talk”… and I can’t imagine any marriage without it!
Going out on a limb here, just skimmed this thread, and barely at that, but I would feel much more comfortable participating in this discussion in a women’s only forum. Don’t know what’s out there for the men though.
tzippi, no such thing. online you never know who’s who.
If anything, this is EXACTLY the place to discuss this, as where else can you get honest insights to something that invariably involves both men and women.
And CR is the safest way to do it, because the Mods keep things in line. And So right is right (sound repetetive, right?) in a “womens only forum” there are bound to be men signed in as women, so in many ways thats even more risky, becuase people tend to say things they would otherwise not say, when they think they are in limited company.
Mosherose you were sarcastic, werent you? Oh well, some ppl. say things to get a conversation going..not because they mean it!
“Mosherose you were sarcastic, werent you?”
No I was completely serius.
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