Staying happy as an older single

I never felt sad in my singlehood. I lived with the bitachon that Hashem is giving me what I need when I need it, and as shadchanim would say, each person you date brings you closer to your Bashert. Now you don’t want to hear about legitimacy about sadness, but understand that if you are sad, it is a negative feeling that do not attract people. One needs to find happiness in the current situation and not define one’s happiness based on getting married.

My parents both married at an “older” age and while neither of them specifically speak a lot about specific emotions involved, both remained happy and connected by surrounding themselves with good friends, some of whom were in a similar situation. Half of my childhood consisted of hanging out with my “aunts,” or my mom’s best friends with whom she’d been single for so long, getting together for small things regularly and for big vacations every so often- bH they’re all married now, though some had to wait longer than others (my mom was one of the first). By forming that strong bond together and holding it close through everything that happened, they had a boost. While my mom’s chevra was specifically a “singles chevra,” my dad remained close with a lot of his friends who got married in the interim- as well as some single friends, who are sadly not all married. One criticism of a singles chevra can be that people get too complacent- and while that can happen, I feel like happiness and connectedness should take priority over a concern for complacency, as it’s entirely the person’s choice in the end anyway. My mother did note that it was harder for her than for my father to stay in touch with married friends- she made it a priority, but in the end shared experience and availability won out.

I think every nisayon. contains within it the aspect of potential sadness, but as you have read, it’s also balanced by the potential for overcoming and feeling true joy despite the “legitimate” right to be sad. May Hashem grant each of us the strength to be joyful, and believe me, in accordance with the sadness one could have claimed, he/she will be rewarded for valiantly plodding forward with as much joy as possible.This is like surfing the waves, sometimes the wave overtakes you. But not for too long, because very soon you are on top of the waves again, enjoying the ride.

Happiness is a state of mind, it has to come from within you, and not be dependent on your situation. That is obviously very hard to achieve when you are not where you really want to be- married with a family. R’ Ezriel Tauber once gave a talk on this issue- I am summarizing what he said, the way I understood it and the way it helped me when I was still single- everyone davens for their yeshua- whether it is to get married or have children, and sometimes the answer is “not yet”. Until that time comes, instead of thinking of your current life as just a waiting time until your tefillos are answered, you have to realize that you are exactly where and who Hashem wants you to be at that moment. That doesn’t mean that you give up on the dream and the tefillos, it just means that you are ok as you are, for the meantime. You have to find your tafkid/fulfillment now.

And by the way, marriage does not always mean happily ever after. It’s not a happy ending, but a new beginning and it can bring its own sets of challenges and issues. Unfortunately, older singles who married late can still have other problems/challenges as a married, just like everyone else. But once you figure out how to be happy despite what life throws you, you can face those challenges too. maybe that is an advantage of being an older single- you learn how to face challenges and overcome them.

Person1, while being an older single girl can be difficult at times, I have found that most of the time I am able to be pretty happy. Actually, I never really thought of being an older single as being so hard and certainly not as being a crisis. I think that there are a few reasons for this:

1. I have experienced things in my life that were WAY harder and I am just thankful that most of those things are past. I look back and can’t believe the things I had to go through in my life. Being single is nothing in comparision!

2. Being single in and of itself is not so hard for me. What is hard are the indirect results of being single, but I don’t usually associate those things with being single, even though perhaps I should. Recently, I did start to associate those things with being single, so I started to think that being single is difficult, but that was a very recent conclusion.

I am referring to things like trying to find a good living arrangement.

The truth is that I think that I have only been thinking about this lately because I recently moved home. The only way I can deal with living at home is by thinking that it is very temporary and that I will get married soon. When I lived on my own, I don’t think that being single bothered me as much.

I don’t know for sure and I never thought about this until this second (as I am writing this), but I would guess that when singles live on their own, they are generally more focused on living their lives in the present but when they live at home, they are more likely to view their current situation as temporary and to be more focused on getting married.

There are maalos and chesronos to each approach. Personally, I found that when I lived on my own and had to find a way to pay the rent, I didn’t have time and energy for shidduch hishtadlus. On the one hand, this meant that I wasn’t depressed about being single (since I was too busy and preoccupied to think about it) but on the other hand, I wasn’t doing hishtadlus. Now that I am living at home, partially in order to be able to spend more time and effort on hishtadlus (although there are other reasons as well), but I find that means that I am more preoccupied and stressed out about being single.

3. Boruch Hashem, I have a very fulfilling life, so being single doesn’t bother me so much. I never saw being married as being my main goal in life. My main goal in life has always been to learn and to teach (as you can tell by my user name!) When I wasn’t doing the teaching I wanted to be doing, I was much more depressed about that than I have ever been about being single. I think that for girls who view being married the way I view learning and teaching, it must be much harder.

4. I think the only times I really start to get bothered (depressed is way too strong a word) by the fact that I am single are when I read articles about how terrible the shidduch crisis is and how awful it is to be an older single, or when someone says something implying that it really hard to be an older single and they feel really bad for me. Then I have to remind myself that I did not consider it a crisis until I read that it was one!!! So I should stop feeling sorry for myself!!

5. I do think that it must be much harder to be an older single guy than an older single girl. It has always bothered me that people are so focused on feeling bad for the girls and no one feels bad for the boys even though it is probably WAY harder for them since boys need to be married much more than girls do.

My impression is that people don’t feel bad for the boys because they assume that any boy who is older and single must have issues, but I don’t think that’s fair for two reasons: A. It’s a very unfair generalization that is not necessarily true in all cases (clearly not in yours, for example).

B. Why is that a reason not to feel bad for them? They didn’t choose to have issues. Even if someone wants to argue that any boy who is older and single must be too picky or have commitment issues because there are so many wonderful single girls out there, why is that something to hold against them? They didn’t choose to have these issues and there might not be anything they can do about it.

6. Lately whenever I have been feeling a bit down about being single, I started hanging out in the CR. It’s a great antidote to stress, boredom and loneliness!

Hatzlacha Rabba! You sound like a wonderful person (1) and I hope you find your zivug soon!!

Rabbi Arush’s Prayer of Thanks totally made me appreciate being single way more. It says that even what I don’t have is for my ultimate benefit and a gift from Hashem.

So I see where I am at today as being for my best. I still desire and want to be married but I know that I am not ready yet for a good reason and anything can change in a moment.

Anyone who needs chizuk for being an older single should listen to the following shiur: Go to Rav Zev Leff’s website, go to the Homepage, go to “special shiurim”, scroll down until you get to “Shidduchim – don’t despair” (it’s pretty far down – the shiurim go in order of years, and the one before this says 5770 – this was also given in 5770, but it’s not labeled).

I think it also depends on the person. GoFish doesn’t want to start dating. It is more frustrating to be 27 and in the parsha for 9 years than being 27 and being in the parshah for 2 or 3 years.

It also depends on how badly you want (think you need) to get married now.

reuventree555:that is very well put

I suppose things might be very different here in E”Y. Here they didn’t even there was a crisis (“Mashber Hashiduchim” is an American import)

In Eretz Yisroel the boys start shidduchim younger than in the U.S.

And the age thing is not the only reason for the Shidduch Crisis, although it may contribute to it.

And the age thing is not the only reason for the Shidduch Crisis, although it may contribute to it.

How are you defining “The Shidduch Crisis”?

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/defining-the-shidduch-crisis

It’s all very personal. For someone like me who wants to start “real life” it’s very hard to wait. And being a frum person there are only some things you can have/get when you are married, and if you need it beforehand than tough luck.

This morning as I was davening it occurred to me that to the extent that I am focused on my relationship with Hashem, it bothers me less that I am single.

Actually it is a Mitzvah. Gemarah (somewhere) says ???? ?? ???? ??????? about Kidushin.

A person must be *at least* as focused on finding themselves a shidduch as they are focused on finding themselves a job, career, education, wealth, nice home, friends, socializing, vacations, entertainment, etcetera.

Joseph – that sounds reasonable in theory, but in practice it is not always possible. Many people think that getting married should be the #1 priority, but l’maaseh, it can’t be. Earning a parnassah is more of a priority than getting married. I can’t just decide that I am going to stop working because I need time for shidduch hishtadlus, because meanwhile the rent needs to be paid and I need to eat.

And the same is true to a certain extent with some of the other things you mentioned. Maybe getting married is the most important thing, but meanwhile I am single, and I need to have friends and to be happy and functional and t/f to spend at least some time on socializing, etc.

And as Yeshivabochur pointed out, the difference between hishtadlus for shidduchim and for other things is that you don’t see direct results of your hishtadlus, and with the other things you usually do. If I call a friend to shmooze for an hour or three, I will have gotten something out of it (unless she doesn’t answer the phone, in which case I will have only lost one minute). If I go to work, I will most probably get paid. But if I go on a date, all I gain is a lot of wasted time, wasted energy and extra stress in my life.

That’s one of the reasons I would prefer to actually DO something on a date; that way I would at least have fun and I would actually gain something from the date even if I don’t like the guy, but most people don’t do things on dates.