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i had to talk to a single frum guy at school and at the end of our conversation, he complimented me on my name. i was so embarrassed, I just blushed. What should I have done?
Sounds quite inappropriate what he did. He was hitting on you.
What’s so embarrassing about “taking a break”. I assume that’s the name he complimented. I’d blush if someone complemented mine..
If you are interested, give him your number.
If you are not interested, give him a cold shoulder.
If you are offended, tell him that is not appropriate in a professional relationship.
taking a break
He had no business complimenting you and it is out of line. They say in shidduch dating you shouldnt compliment her on the first few dates and even when you do dont make it too personal. Certainly in a random conversation he shouldnt be “hitting on you” as Hacham says. Fech.
You blushed because you are a good Bas Yisroel who isnt used to male attention. You should be proud of yourself.
It would be just as inappropriate if she gave him her number.
Thank him for the compliment.
It seems that he may be interested in you, so just be aware of that for the future. If you are not interested in him, try keeping your distance, and if he comes onto you again, you can politely tell him you aren’t interested.
shlishi
You are 100% right!
popa_bar_abba
Would you tell your daughter to give her phone #?!
popa_bar_abba
Would you tell your daughter to give her phone #?!
I would tell my daughter to do whatever she wanted.
I was responding to the OP who asked what she should do, not what is appropriate.
So, if she was interested, then there is no reason not to give her phone number. Of course, some girls will be turned off by a guy who hits on girls in school.
If she was offended, by which I mean like all the posters here, then she should tell him his comment is inappropriate for a professional relationship. Which it is.
popa_bar_abba
“I would tell my daughter to do whatever she wanted”
I do not believe you mean that sincerely.
It would be just as inappropriate in a non-professional relationship. It is inappropriate for Jews.
You would tell your daughter to do something inappropriate if she wanted to?
popa_bar_abba
“I would tell my daughter to do whatever she wanted”
I do not believe you mean that sincerely.
Well, if she asked my advice, I would discuss with her whether she was interested in dating that guy, or such a guy who does that. It would likely depend on the ages involved. So if she is 19 and he is 22- probably not. She is 29 and he is 32- probably yes.
But if she wasn’t looking for my advice, I would want her to do whatever she wanted. My daughter does not live to please me. Does not answer to me. Judaism is a one man religion.
I think most girls wouldn’t give their phone numbers to a guy just because he complimented their names, unless they’re desperate. He would have to do much more than that. I’ve done my share of getting girls’ numbers when I was a teen, and I had to do more than that.
It would be just as inappropriate in a non-professional relationship. It is inappropriate for Jews.
Men and women should not have a non-professional relationship. I assume this is what you mean.
My suggestion was a good way to politely slam the guy with the fact that she considers him merely a colleague and not a friend. If that is indeed the case.
popa_bar_abba
“My daughter does not live to please me. Does not answer to me. Judaism is a one man religion.”
Parents have a chiyyuv to be mechaneich their children. There is a concept of Arvus we are all responsible to each other we are supposed to have Ahavas Yisroel and love our fellow like ourselves, so I dont see how anyone can say Judaism is a one man religion at all. Its anything but!
Ok, so it is unwanted.
I suppose at the time I would have told him it was inappropriate for a business relationship. Very snootily.
Now, I guess you just need to really give him the cold shoulder. I imagine your official duties are done, so you don’t owe the school anything. Just “miss” his calls, and respond to emails about a day late.
Be “open-honest-direct” you won’t regret it
and then people wonder why there are those who are against young frum girl/boys going to college….
Parents have a chiyyuv to be mechaneich their children.
A. We might disagree on the definition of chinuch. I think it means to influence your kids to have a better relationship with Hashem and try harder to keep the torah. I think the most effective way of doing that is by example, and that telling kids, especially college age, is counter-productive.
B. When I say “Judaism is a one man religion”– which I did not coin- I mean that each of us only answers to G-d, and nobody can pater anyone else. Thus, it truly is an individual’s religion.
I do not mean to tread on the concept of arvus which adds obligation to each of us for the others. Regarding that though, the same is true as above that it should be driven by what works, and forcing doesn’t.
I would NOT advise giving him the cold shoulder. I think that is rude. You can politely tell him you want to keep your relationship with him strictly in school and only to school-related things, and that you would not want to go further than that. If he is a normal, nice guy, he will respect your choice.
I would NOT advise giving him the cold shoulder. I think that is rude. You can politely tell him you want to keep your relationship with him strictly in school and only to school-related things, and that you would not want to go further than that. If he is a normal, nice guy, he will respect your choice.
You are right. I take it back.
I wouldn’t go to a school where I was paired with anyone. What kind of Mishagas is this? Imagine if you were paired with a goy. The only time I was ever paired with anyone – was in class assignments. The college has no business pairing anyone for any type of social reason, even for something like this. This is totally ridiculous. I hope this isn’t a Jewish owned college.
taking a break
He may be a nice guy, but he seriously stepped out of line and if he feels comfortable complimenting a girl he doesnt know so personally its a sign that he is a certain type. I cant stress this enough, be very very careful.
Therealmagma: I think people against sending kids to college are worried about much more than this. In fact, if having young frum people meeting other young frum people was the worst thing in college, then many more people would probably be accepting of it.
WIY: you said “its a sign he is a certain type.” The worst thing in Yiddeshkeit is all the labelling we do. We are all part of Am Yisroel and if he is more outgoing and comlements a Frum young lady, its a nice thing. He could be a real sweetheart of a guy and be a wonderful husband one day. We should not judge or label others.
Sam2 – arayos is one of the larger probelms the rabbonim have with college.
“i was so embarrassed, I just blushed. What should I have done? “
I hope that he understood your blushing as a sign of an inappropriate crossing of a boundary.
If possible, respond in a non-friendly, coldish manner and say something neutral. That’s to set up an emotional wall to say to him “get back”.
This isn’t about revenge – MDG.
Taking a break’s reaction is normal and befitting a frum young lady – and that is blushing and no response. If she feels after seeing him in school a few more times that she wants her father to fidn out more, then so be it….
Abe: That was my point. I don’t think the Arayos they are worried about is Frum Jews meeting other Frum Jews.
I think they are very much worried about such arayos.
I think it MIGHT have been a perfectly innocent compliment so I wouldn’t blow it out of proportion. But I would make sure it doesn’t go beyond a one-time compliment and stays 100% professional.
We all want to know:
So what is this outstanding name you have anyway? I’ve heard of loads of girls names and have never been tempted to tell someone it was a pretty name.
Mr Taxman
“The worst thing in Yiddeshkeit is all the labelling we do.”
Really? So if I call my Chassidish friends chassidish I have done the “worst” thing and if I call Yeshivish people Yeshivish I have done the “worst” thing? I have no idea what you are talking about.
We are all part of Am Yisroel and if he is more outgoing and comliments a Frum young lady, its a nice thing.”
How is that a nice thing??? A frum Yeshivah boy should not be so at ease talking to a girl and certainly not going to the point of complimenting her name which is quite a leap to take after only talking for a short time. This is not a proper way a Ben Torah behaves. Oh wait thats a “label.”
“He could be a real sweetheart of a guy and be a wonderful husband one day. We should not judge or label others.”
He may be a nice guy but that doesnt give him a right to overstep boundaries.
WIY, I don’t wish to argue with you about this, but not everyone considers this overstepping boundaries. So, it is quite possible that this boy is still a good, frum yeshiva boy, and even a “ben torah”, whose ideas of overstepping boundaries may be a bit different from mine or yours. I think this is what Mr. Taxman meant when he said we shouldn’t judge or label others.
I was just about to say something similar. Just because someone behaves in a way that’s different than the norm, or what you’re used to, doesn’t mean he’s less frum, a bad person, or that he’s wrong. Maybe where he’s from, what he did is 100% correct. You never know.
WIY: You realized yourself that you put a “label” on and you still mocked that it was a bad thing. Why is your definition of a “Ben Torah” so strong that complimenting a girl automatically makes him not a “Ben Torah” by any definition?
He might have just liked your name. Some people are friendly in business but it doesn’t nes mean they are attracted to you on a personal level… I don’t think it’s that personal of him to mention it, although you never know his intentions I would advise you to be careful as it may be true that it indicates “other” things about his character…
A. He’s in college so he probably isnt “Mr. Yeshivish”.
B. He might have done it because HE feeks awkward and new in a new school and is trying to aclimate.
C. He might have not put that much thought into it in the first place; you may be looking into this too deeply.
D. All of the above are probably true. Clearly this guy isnt a typical lakewood yeshivish dude so cut him some slack. He doesnt have to shtim with your def. of ben torah; in fact who said he wants to- your all assuming hes intyerested in being what you call appropriate. maybe hes not. its harmless. fartig.
MiddleMan
“So, it is quite possible that this boy is still a good, frum yeshiva boy, and even a “ben torah”, whose ideas of overstepping boundaries may be a bit different from mine or yours. I think this is what Mr. Taxman meant when he said we shouldn’t judge or label others.”
We don’t redefine Ben Torah as we see fit to meet the circumstances. The Torah is immutable and so is the meaning of a Ben Torah. Just because you go to Yeshivah or attended one doesn’t make you a Ben Torah by a long shot.
Right WIY, so why is your definition of a Ben Torah the only one that matters? (I understand, there are plenty of Gedolim and sources backing you up, but there are also sources that can justify what he did, for several reasons. Nothing says that he is obligated to only rely on the sources that you rely on.)
Sam- WIY doesn’t need to justify taking his stance that is backed up by gedolim, which you acknowledge it is. WIY is correct in his criticisms here, as the gedolim you refer to make the same criticism in the OP’s situation.
Tomche: I am not saying that the boy in question was in the right or that WIY isn’t allowed to have this stance. All I am saying is that we must realize that there are other valid opinions out there and that the person is question can still be a “Ben Torah” even if he did not act exactly as WIY felt was appropriate.
I agree with popa, complimenting a name is somewhat unusual for a first meeting. Perhaps he had never heard of a name like yours before. Is he perhaps ashkenazi and you have a sfardi name or something? Or stam you have an unusual name?
If I met a girl for the first time and she was wearing a large basket of fruit on her head and I complimented her for it, would I be out of line?
if he is more outgoing and comlements a Frum young lady, its a nice thing.
Nice thing; maybe. Wrong setting; very.
It seems to me that this entire incident is being blown out of proportion. Perhaps the OP has an unusual or very pretty name. If this young man is a freshman he may be very unsure of himself. We don’t know if he has ever gone to a co-ed school before or if he knows what he should/shouldn’t say to someone of the opposite gender. Perhaps he just meant it as a compliment, plain and simple. The OP could just have thanked him, changed the topic and then said good-bye. We don’t know a lot of things here – is this a Jewish university? If it is, it is very inappropriate of the school to pair up people of the opposite sex for college orientation. If the school is not a Jewish one, the OP could have told the co-ordinators of this program that she wished to be paired with another girl. Once she accepted this “assignment”, she should have been prepared for effusive thanks from her assigned freshman. It doesn’t sound like this young man did anything so terrible – he may just have been showing his gratitude.
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