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Hey, Goq, I work with older singles all day, every day, and “zeh mah she’yaish”! Its the ones who are complacent and not freaked out by older singlehood that I look down upon! If they get married its good, if they dont its good too.
You know the old Yiddish saying- Nor a Shtein zul zein alein . Spending time with same gender friends just isnt the same!
BTW, I didnt name names!
The Goq, Id rather not use the term despondent. I prefer those who are VERY eager and doing everything in their power to get married, who realize that its head over heels over staying single, but not to the point of being despondent during their quest.
okay i have a question: ill try and explain my situation… i went on a shidduch date and I had a good time but the guy wasnt for me. (my first one) now it has turned me off to the whole shidduch dating process for some reason and I don’t want to go out again in general… I just didn’t like it. I don’t really have a question besides for – has this happened to anyone else / how do i fix it? I know I have to date in order to get married, but I don’t like this way!
yes it has happened to many
yidforlife-
I started dating a few months ago.
i was forced to go on my first- I remember, the first shabbos I was home from seminary I had my cousin’s shabbos sheva brachos. My uncle came over to me and said “Nu, so you’ll start after tishah be’av or after succos? I had washed for hamotzi, and couldn’t answer, but i think the look on my face made him laugh.
When I did go on my first date- After chanukah- i still did NOT feel ready. I was doing it purely out of pressure from my parents, who dismissed my claims of not “being ready” as an excuse to push off dating.
Talk about a turn-off!
I got dates bH, but for me to get excited to go on a date took a long time, and I’m really happy it did happen.
So in answer to you- I completely empathize with your struggle, and maybe you’re just not ready to start dating. when you are, you’re gonna want to go out on a (yes, even a shidduch!) date
But deeeefinitely agreed, the shidduch system is BRUTAL!
Thanks i understand.. but not that I even shared so much personal info with the guy, but i just feel like why did he deserve to learn these things about me? I don’t feel violated, but just feel like something was taken away from me and i’ll never get it back.. I dont want to go through however many more guys it will take in order to find the right one, because I dont wnt to have a “relationship” with so many more people of the opposite gender. It feels weird. Am i being immature?
The reason there is a shidduch crises is because the vast majority of single men who are past 40 are actually not interested in marriage and probably never were.
cherry- i have been saying that for a while but ppl seem to think im wrong…whatever
You will have a relationship only with the one marry because it takes much more than just going out to built one. but maybe u shouldn’t give away from right away in the beginning. I assune you go out more than 3 times so when you see its going into the right direction you should start open up more. What u think?
i definitely agree. and I don’t open up, but even the 2 hours of one date just talking stom, afterwards makes me feel like that was a waste and i just “hung out” with a guy – that was untznius. I know i am doing it for a purpose and this is what Hashem wants me to do, and it has to be this way in order to get married but it just feels wrong. I think I just have to look into the guy much harder and figure out before the date if it is really shayich.
yid4life ur deff right. are u parents helping you in figuring out or do you do this all by urself?
my parents are more modern and don’t really understand the whole shidduch system.. they want me to hang out with guys and meet them on my own (like they met eachother)… they dont understand or want to accept the fact that I want someone more yeshivish who is learning… (at least for now)
cherrybim,
What percentage of the frum community would you say that they (and the women that they hypothetically would have married) constitute?
Yid from my experience I can say that if parents can’t help you inquire and emotionally someelse has to. My life sadly took a bad turn when it came to shiduchim and I had noone to just help me back then. My parents didn’t have a clue my older sister and brother met their spouses somekind by themself. Of course if u know how to take of it its very good. I’m just sharing.
thanks. I totally agree.. just need to find the person to help
Hi everyone! i hav a question? does the shidduch crisis really exist? to me it seems that it does, but how can it if we KNOW that Hashem has set aside zivugim for EVERYONE before we are born? being “on the market” and without many shidduch suggestions, i dont know what to think.
must-
It’s a matter of perspective. Of course, as frum Jews, we believe that Hashem has our zivug, and has had him/her since 40 days before we were born. Practically though, it can be hard to transform that theoretical emunah into day-to-day bitachon, when a person can have dated for years without finding him/her. You are “without many shidduch suggestions” because Hashem has decided that it’s not time for you to meet your zivug yet. end of story. iyH, at the right time, He will send him right to your doorstep;)
Thanx bortezomib for your encouraging post! 🙂
What is termed the shidduch crisis is human perception (and reaction) of Hashem running the world, IMO.
I LIKE KEEP EM
so my i have been in shidduchim since chanukah time, and my dad likes to make fun of the whole system these days. he complains that it doesnt really work and it should be like when he was going out, ie girls should go to brooklyn/queens college to get their MRS degree. thats the first issue. so how do i tell him that the norm now is to go to shadchanim and have a huge network of ppl
my second issue is the resume. i have a few friends my age listed as references, some married and some single. someone “handed my fathers head to him” cuz you cant have friends on the resume. who came up with that mishagaas???? i asked quite a few other ppl and they all have friends listed and no one complained!!! so whats normal to have on the resume?
TIA
I head a drasha on Shidduchim, in short it says that a Bas Kol comes down from Heaven,the Shadchan is the Bas Kol.
It says that Shidduchim are harder to make then Kerias Yam Suf. one Pshat in this is the Yam Suf split into 12 parts for the 12 Tribes who would cross. The Yam Suf was like a a round cake cut into 10 pieces- therefore we can learn from this that every person will reach his Zivug, the point is ‘some take longer then others’ as shown that a cakes pieces cut along the cake, some are longer then others.
Before Moshiach, there will be a ‘Shidduch crisis’ as it says in Yevomos that Moshiach won’t come until all the Neshomos have departed from the Kisay Hakovod- by Peru and Revu–so this is almost happened, but not without the Satan stopping the process in the final years of Galus–then Moshiach will come and the Beis Hamikdash will be rebuilt-Bimhera V’Yameinu!
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