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Pac-Man and Cherry Bim. You may be right that there is a reason in Halacha why singles can’t daven etc. etc. There are numerous sources in Shas that back up your Hashkafa position about singles. That does not give anybody the right to transgress the very serious aveira of Onaas Devarim – hurting somebody’s feelings.
A disabled Kohen cannot perform the Avodah – would you taunt them for their disability?
A blind person according to one opinion is exempt from all the Mitzvos – would you criticise them for their blindness?
Not all singles can be blamed for their position and even the ones who can (and this can only be known by somebody who knows them exceptionally closely)- well there is a correct way of sensitively informing them of this without upsetting them. As the posuk says ‘Rebuke your friend but do not bear a sin through him’ (Sorry I have no Hebrew letters).
OTB: can you please quote whatever comment I made on this thread that allegedly “hurt somebodies feelings”? Is pointing out the halacha vis-a-vis davening for the amud and wearing a talis the alleged misdeed?
Also, there is no comparison to a disabled Kohein or blind person, as in both cases they are always an onus through no fault of their own, unlike in the case at hand where they are at fault in the vast majority of cases. And where they are not, I see no criticism here of their onus.
Hi, everyone. I haven’t read through all the posts in this thread, but figured I’ll put up a short poem that I wrote a couple of years ago. Still single and I read it from time to time; it always makes me feel better.
Introspection on Connection
If every tiny bump and hill
Of challenge and of test,
Is only sent to instill
Faith in Him and constant quest.
Then may He gently prod my heart
And stir my soul to scale,
This heavenly mountain part by part
And help me to prevail.
And soon my Father has restored
Our special connection from above.
Wow! cherry you have no clue how much your post hurt me. I am almost crying just thinking that there are real people in this world who think there is something wrong with me because Hashem did not send me the right boy yet. I think you can only say your opinions to an older single guy who you know personally and you know that he is turning girls down for no reason. That is the only time I can imagine your hurtful, ridiculous post to be helpful. Until then, out your head in the garbage can!
Edited
Will this post be deleted as well?
Yes
(BTW,It was not 95 that deleted your two posts.)
I left the other posts up because they were reasonable. And although they caused some anguish here they were not designed to be hurtful. This was not the case with the two deleted posts.
adorable – If my posts weren’t being deleted, you would know that my comments are directed at most men only, and not all men. Females are the victims and have my heartfelt concerns.
None of my posts are designed to be hurtful. Can you honestly say that we not advocate shmiras shabbos to persistent “frum” shabbos violators because it’s offensive? And we make special threads for them? And give them special privileges? And if you disagree, your mandate is to stifle my posts?
Deleted.
Please reference the title of this thread.
cherry- stay out of here please. will you not? why do you insist on fighting with us? you’re not doing any good you’re just harming us.
hes not interested in bashing
hes not interested in supporting
he has a point he wishes to make
i believe he made it.
please no more about this on this thread
Pacman, yes it may be hurtful to somebody single to quote in their face halachos which when rubbed in their face upset them. The fact that they are true halachos does not mean it is not insensitive to state them coldly to a single unless they are immediately relevant.
I also believe it is very insensitive and presumptuous of you to state that in the vast majority of cases it is a male single’s fault that he is single (and therefore I believe it IS comparable to a disabled Kohen or blind man) How on earth can you know that? Have you carried out a proper study to back that claim up? I think you and cherry-bim are treading on very thin ice here with your being very very maikil on hilchos bein odom lachavero.
ok people, lets caaaaaalm down here!!! its like chasisis over here in the coffee room, e/o fighting. just chillax! lets continue this very much needed support group!!!
Ilovetheholyland: i hear where ppl are coming from but they think you wont appreciate a learning boy because you dont have a choice? such hypocrasy. “they” say girls are too picky but when they arent picky, then you are looked down upon?
i guess its right up there with all the silly and ridiculous questions that ppl come up with. like what type of shoes does the boy wear, do they stack their plates, and so one and so forth
Rednails: yes, this is a SINGLES support group. thank you for the reminder to all the NON singles who have decided to join
Maybe it’s because I have not been dating for over a year yet, and am not at all burnt out,I always wondered why singles have such a hard time with it. I really don’t mean to be caustic or insensitive, but don’t frum Jews believe in a Hashem Who has a plan and knows exactly what each of His children need?
I understand that the process is hard- I’ve begun it, and rejection, decisions, waiting for a date, and getting close to a potential mazel tov which then dissipates, are all trying and emotionally draining, but I truly feel that I have grown substantially from every encounter. Every date teaches me more about what I stand for, and each experience lends me insight about who I really am.
Example: I had been dating a boy seriously for a while, and there was a mutualy interest from both sides. Until it slowly hit me that he was not interested in learning at all. As in, couldn’t commit to be koveia itim. As a girl who has anticipated marrying a young man with fire for learning all my life, this was extremely difficult decision for me to make. I ended up ending the relationship although i still believe he is a top boy in every other arena (and even had learnt in bais medrash post high-school for a substantial amount of time).
My father said to me “You know, we always speak about making sacrifices for Torah, and it’s become almost a frum-cliche. But this action really drove it in- what values you will never give up”.
Last week I read something interesting in the Readers Write section of the Yated newspaper-
It was a boy writing in about getting married in, i think his late thirties. He spoke about a boy (I’m not sure if he was referring to himself or to a friend) who got married at a considerably older age, to a girl much his junior. His rebbe remarked “for 10-plus years you could not get married- because your zivug would have been 9 or 10 at the time! Hashem has a plan for every one of us.”
May we all be zoche to be led to our zivug at the right time
borte
if i were your zaide i would say: “im proud of you”
may you be rewarded in this world with a kind, righteous Talmid Chochom as a husband, and in the next world.
bortezomib- what a great post. WOW! you gave me lots of chizuk!
mytake, that is a beautiful poem.
I would like to thank cherry for all of your posts, because I now feel the need to relate what I’m going through. First of all, though, I’m not an “older” single. And the truth is, most of the difficulties I go through are things I have been going through most of my life, and have only a small connection to the fact that I’m single. I don’t think I should go into specifics, as some people here might be too horrified to know all the facts, but I’ll say this: I have extremely severe family problems, mostly due to one of my parents. I have had almost no support at all from my community. They all don’t want to get involved in my family’s situation. I have no Shul. I get no support from my neighbors. We have very little money. Let’s just say that NO ONE in their right mind would want to marry into my family. The only thing I have going for myself is: myself. I know this. And therefore, I make sure to have a wonderful personality, be responsible, giving, caring, sensitive, and try to stay positive. I know that these character traits are the only thing I have going for me in a prospective match. I have nothing else.
I have tried to come up with theories why I have to be in the situation I’m in. and the one I’m sticking with now, though it may sound arrogant, is this: I know I have the best personality and character traits possible. Therefore, if G-d had given me a proper family, or money, or supportive friends and neighbors, it almost wouldn’t be fair. I would have too much good. So G-d had to level it out. I don’t know if this is the right way to look at it, but it works for me right now. I hope this helped for any other single going through something similar. I encourage others to take part in this discussion, and I would appreciate support from anyone here.
RedNails- thank you. i hate it when a good thread gets messed up by a heated “fued”
bortezomib- the same holds true for those of us who feeel our strongest beliefs can/ and are allowed to be compramised/ sacraficed by a guy were dating.
There are certain areas you can look over, but things that make you who you are- our personal values and beliefs- should not be compramised over…but ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ask Daas Torah/Mentor etc before ending a shidduch…LOTS of people have regrets after ending a shidduch that could have very possibly been “the one” because of reasons they didnt take time to think, ask and digest properly- and it could very well be for a dumb reason too.
Legen-dary!!
Middle Path- Dont say no one. I was married to a guy who had all the external things worked out PERFECTLY. His family seemed beautifull. There was not one bump. Then I realized there was something rotten inside of him. If you have such good character then u r very very lucky and ur zivug is going 2b very very lucky because that is EVERYTHING that counts. Many ppl simply lose sight of that. (and somne ppl are shallow..) Yes, Fam is important but I would take a guy with top notch middos and a scary fam in a heartbeat rather then be stuck with just all around average/nothin speacial..
Legendary-
You are obviously right, and maybe I should have clarified that I spoke at length with a respected Rov in my community, who also felt the boy in question was not for me.
Middle Path-
I have a real respect for you.
With your attitude, you should find your match with ease at the right time.
Thank you, borte. I appreciate you understanding my situation. I actually have read that book as well. And your previous post was very inspiring. May you find your match soon.
s2021, You’re right. I shouldn’t have said “no one”. Thank you for telling your personal story.
I also quickly want to say to cherry that I forgive you. You were not aware of my situation when you posted before, and therefore you didn’t know what I was really going through.
ilovetheholyland – I thought of a suggestion for when someone asks what you’re looking for. You can always say, “If he wants to learn, I’m 100% behind him. If he wants to work, I’m also 100% behind him. I care more about who he is than what he does.”
MiddlePath – I don’t want to go into too many details because someone might recognize the story, but I have a friend who decided she would rather have her child marry a great person from a not-so-great family than marry a not-so-great person from a great family. With 20/20 hindsight, it is clear she made the right decision.
tired of hearing YOUR TOO PICKY.on friday somebody told me “your gonna become an old foegy”.they mean well but im sick of hearing it.i dont give married people non warranted advice on their marriges so why do i have to get their advice just because im stil single
haifagirl, thank you for telling that over. It helps me, knowing that there are people who would consider a person in that kind of situation.
bortez- WOW- Thank u so much 4 sharing that. U just gave me so much chizuk when I really needed it 🙂
“I thought of a suggestion for when someone asks what you’re looking for. You can always say, “If he wants to learn, I’m 100% behind him. If he wants to work, I’m also 100% behind him. I care more about who he is than what he does.”
haifa, thanx a mill! the perfect answer in the perfect amount of words! i guess im just not that articulate, but that really clarifies it. thanx!
{{hugs to all}}
Some people never learnt how to mind their own business. We singles have the unique opportunity to teach them what they should have learned in kindergarten!
What is being done to encourage singles to get married?
I’m back and I hope the Mod will let this through.
Singles, don’t sell yourselves short! It’s never as bad as it appears. I know because I was there. No money, no parents at the wedding which was extremely basic and small; I felt so alone. Actually, you don’t really need a lot of money to marry and when I did, we did not have the organizations which exist today that help the chosen and Kallah to get started.
Feel down and depressed and alone? There is a girl out there who will be there for you and you for her. But don’t look for a stereotypical Hollywood type; there are a lot of frum women who would love to marry a kind and sensitive person such as you.
So it is my sincere belief that you have very little to lose and everything to gain by making the move and sharing the rest of your years, happy and with your life long companion.
Goq – one can use the same excuses for anything and everything; i.e. “You don’t understand, I need to work on Shabbos. Or, you don’t understand, I can’t give Tzedaka. Or, I can’t get married right now.”
But that’s not Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is having trust in Hashem’s promises that when you do your part, Hashem will look after you no matter what.
But that’s not Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is having trust in Hashem’s promises that when you do your part, Hashem will look after you no matter what.
Oh. I thought yiddishkeit was taunting people who are having difficulty in life, and saying it is their fault.
I wonder where I got that idea from.
cherry – i didnt read all the previous posts but what makes you think we’re not doing our part?
Re giving advice, I’m not sure its a single/married thing. I think most marrieds who give advice were probably the same way as a single. Its a certain personality type.
(Now that I’ve commented, am I allowed in here if I’m pre-dating?)
Popa – “Oh. I thought yiddishkeit was taunting people who are having difficulty in life, and saying it is their fault.”
Of course that is Yiddishkeit. He is being Mekayem the Mitzva of “Onaas Devorim”! LOL! 😉
The wheel of time
Ticks slowly by
Moving past me
Ignoring my cry
All hop aboard
Along its track
Left stuck, left back
Watching it fade
Longing for those
Aboard while I wait
The wrenching pain
The questions why
Am I standing still
While time flies by
One by one
On they all move
But I remain
Stuck in my groove
The cycle of life
Holds them fast
While I remain
Part of the past
I chase I run
Wish deep in my heart
To join the cycle
Of time, to take part
Yet here I am
Stuck in place
Desperately pleading
To join the race
To please move on
Go with the flow
Oh please Hashem
Just let me go!
person3: that was great! i really enjoy making poems and reading poems yours was absolutely great!
anyone else feel this way ever- I’m not that old or in shidduchim for so long so its not like I have anything pressing but I was just wondering if anyone else ever feels like their best years are now when they are single and have nothing pressuring me and tying them down. its great to just be able to pick up and run shopping or something like that….
like I wanna just put the guy on hold and then stay single for another couple of months.
adorable, It’s nice that you feel that way. I used to be like that, but now, I actually WANT a girl in my life that I must care for and be responsible for. My current “lack of pressure and things tying me down” isn’t making me happy. I feel that my “best years” as a single (and I use the term ‘best’ very loosely) are over, and I want to have my future best years with someone. And I’m also not that old or in shidduchim for so long. But that’s just me. It’s great that you don’t feel pressure.
I’m not saying that I dont go to sleep sometimes crying that I just want a guy near me already but when I wake up in the morning I can usually see things in a different light and see a mich bigger picture. I do feel though like I can be doing so much more in my life than I’m doing but obviously this is where I have to be so why sit and be upset and worried all day?!?!?! its easy for me to write but takes lots of effort.
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