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- This topic has 53 replies, 29 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 4 months ago by haifagirl.
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June 26, 2011 4:21 am at 4:21 am #597632popa_bar_abbaParticipant
If a woman is in her later thirties, and unmarried, is it ok for her to have children without getting married?
You can do it without violating any issurim, at a fertility clinic.
Why should she be deprived of the ability to raise a family just because she can’t find a husband?
I think it is fine.
June 26, 2011 4:23 am at 4:23 am #780985sheinMemberWho will be the father?
June 26, 2011 4:25 am at 4:25 am #780986popa_bar_abbaParticipantNo father. They use an anonymous donor.
June 26, 2011 4:28 am at 4:28 am #780987nystatetrooperParticipantUuuuuummmmm that’s pretty freaky no?
June 26, 2011 4:29 am at 4:29 am #780988sheinMemberSo non-Jewish.
June 26, 2011 4:29 am at 4:29 am #780989s2021MemberIf it is really possible to do without violating issurim, I think it is a nice idea for the mother. For the child I dont know..
June 26, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #780990YW Moderator-42ModeratorAn anonymous father can have serious consequences. The kid can never marry because the father might be Jewish so anyone might be a relative.
June 26, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #780991popa_bar_abbaParticipantThey give you information about the donors, so you can get from a jewish donor I assume.
June 26, 2011 4:32 am at 4:32 am #780992sheinMemberAnd is there no issurim for a Jewish woman to have a child with a non-Jewish father?
June 26, 2011 4:32 am at 4:32 am #780993s2021MemberI heard of that Shaila and I heard its tot Assur (because it is assur to have a child with a Jewish male with perfect Yichus who is not ur husband…)
June 26, 2011 4:33 am at 4:33 am #780994sheinMemberThey give you information about the donors, so you can get from a jewish donor I assume.
You said the donor is anonymous. So Mod-42’s issue still exists. The child doesn’t know who his father is and thus cannot marry.
June 26, 2011 4:34 am at 4:34 am #780995popa_bar_abbaParticipantshein: Imagine it is a test tube baby.
June 26, 2011 4:38 am at 4:38 am #780996popa_bar_abbaParticipant42: I think the gemara or rishonim there say it is a knas on the guy for doing something so stupid.
June 26, 2011 4:38 am at 4:38 am #780997sheinMemberWhat’s a test-tube baby have to do with the issue?
June 26, 2011 4:41 am at 4:41 am #780998adocsParticipantpopa – so what? test tube babies still have a biological father.
June 26, 2011 4:41 am at 4:41 am #780999real-briskerMemberPopa – Whats with these threads you are starting tonight?
June 26, 2011 4:46 am at 4:46 am #781000YW Moderator-42ModeratorIf he is anonymous, can they tell you whether the donor is Jewish? What if he is a mamzer, can they tell you that?
June 26, 2011 4:51 am at 4:51 am #781001haifagirlParticipantBy the way, it was Rav Yuval Cherlow who gave the psak that it’s muttar.
June 26, 2011 4:57 am at 4:57 am #781002emlfMemberA gut voch.
PBA, is this another one of your Motza’ay Shabbos ideas?
June 26, 2011 4:58 am at 4:58 am #781003smartcookieMemberI think it’s a terrible idea for a single woman to have a baby, unless she is ready to wear a sign explaining that she had this baby through a clinic. People will probably never believe her anyway.
June 26, 2011 5:26 am at 5:26 am #781004oomisParticipantI personally know someone who has done this. Twice. With the haskama of rabbonim in E”Y.
She didn’t believe she would ever get married (she was around 40), and she wanted children, but she also is frum and would not consider anything that was “nisht kosher.” She asked a shailah of Daas Torah, was told there is no issur, and with a non-Jewish donor in a fertility clinic there was no potential inyan of her children chalilah marrying their own siblings by accident someday. Some years after having both children, she actually met someone and got married a couple of years ago, but too old to have more children at that point. The issur is l’chatchilah to marry a non-Jew, but b’dieved the child born of such a union (if the mom is Jewish), is also Jewish, and there is no taint of mamzerus. Osnat bore a child by Shechem, and that child was married to Yosef.
The bearing of a child out of wedlock, is typically stigmatized because of the non-tzniusdig actions of the mother and father that led to the pregnancy. If no such activity took place, there were no violations of the laws of tznius or taharas hamishpacha.
June 26, 2011 5:45 am at 5:45 am #781005mra01385Participantpopa_bar_abba-If a woman is in her later thirties, and unmarried, is it ok for her to have children without getting married?
You can do it without violating any issurim, at a fertility clinic.
I actually thought of this idea too a few yrs ago when I was still in shidduchim, (Baruch Hashem I am married now and have a 21mo son.)but I never thought of what the ramifications would be for the child, YW Moderator-42 points out.
June 26, 2011 5:56 am at 5:56 am #781006bezalelParticipantPopa – Whats with these threads you are starting tonight?
PBA, is this another one of your Motza’ay Shabbos ideas?
I think it’s the Havdalah Wine.
June 26, 2011 6:02 am at 6:02 am #781007a maminParticipantI would like to remind you there are members hear who are very young!!( including seventh graders) poppa i think you should get some sleep!
June 26, 2011 6:13 am at 6:13 am #781009always hereParticipantJMO~ 1) 7th graders shouldn’t be in the CR. 2) 7th graders shouldn’t be up, awake, & on the internet @ 2:12AM. ..JMO
June 26, 2011 6:15 am at 6:15 am #781010sheinMemberYuval Cherlow heads some kind of left-wing group in Israel.
June 26, 2011 6:23 am at 6:23 am #781011ZeesKiteParticipanta mamin:
Might I remind you, I just finished first. Teacher taught how to spell “here”. But you’re right – it’s not such a desirous topic.
Always:
I got permission tonight. All night long. Yippee!
June 26, 2011 1:18 pm at 1:18 pm #781012HaLeiViParticipantI don’t understand oomis’ comment. First it says it’s Muttar, then goes on to say that Bidi’eved the child is not a Mamzer.
By the way, the child is considered Paggum, whatever that means to you.
When Rabbanim are Mattir couples to use this method they are always very careful that there should be strict supervision making sure nothing gets mixed up. Although the Gemara is Mashma that someone doing this can marry a Cohen Gadol, I cannot imagine the child not being a Paggum.
June 26, 2011 1:49 pm at 1:49 pm #781013whatrutalkingabtMemberPopa-
I dont know what you ate today that made you come up with all these ideas…
All I have to say is poor kid. At some point in its life, it will find out either that it has a goyish father or that it can’t marry for fear that it might marry its sibling. And thats besides from the issues it may have from growing up without a father.
I would think that a woman in her mid to late thirties would rather settle on marrying a guy who was not her ideal, than to do that to her child.
Theres gotta be a different solution to the shidduch crises. For some reason I dont think this is it
June 26, 2011 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #781014ShrekParticipanteven if it’s muttar, it does not mean it’s a good idea. those poor kids would be stigmatized for life.
June 26, 2011 2:56 pm at 2:56 pm #781015popa_bar_abbaParticipantWhy should they be stigmatized?
Let’s imagine you can do it where you will know who the father is and he will be jewish. And no issurim were done in the process.
June 26, 2011 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #781016☕ DaasYochid ☕ParticipantWhy should they be stigmatized?
He didn’t sat they should be, he said they would be.
June 26, 2011 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #781017ursula momishMemberWhy not adopt? Or become a foster parent to children who desperately need a parent? Does she want to raise children, or does she feel that she must have the experience of carrying a child and actually giving birth to it?
Either of the two suggested options will fulfill her desire to be a parent AND be (potentially) beneficial to the child/ren, whereas going the OP’s route will create problems for everyone.
June 26, 2011 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #781019popa_bar_abbaParticipantWhy not adopt? Or become a foster parent to children who desperately need a parent? Does she want to raise children, or does she feel that she must have the experience of carrying a child and actually giving birth to it?
Either of the two suggested options will fulfill her desire to be a parent AND be (potentially) beneficial to the child/ren
Come now. Do you really think that a desire to have a child is somehow illegitimate because there are kids who need foster homes?
June 26, 2011 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #781020ursula momishMemberThe desire is not illegitimate, nor will the child be.
I said her desire to have children biologically would create problems, but I did not attach any adjectives to my description.
June 26, 2011 4:32 pm at 4:32 pm #781021HealthParticipantEven if Mutter, it’s definitely Ossur to spread this around. So now more women won’t find any need to get married and be Oiver the Issur in S’A!
June 26, 2011 4:45 pm at 4:45 pm #781022It pains me to read this post. Is this what we are coming to? My heart goes out for many of these unmarried girls, many of whom were not even given a fair chance except being labeled as picky or don’t know what they are looking for, without even haven ever spoken to them. I hope some shaddchanim out there who so easily make nothing of some of these girls are reading this post.
I am sure that many of these girls would be excellent mothers, some even better than some mothers who do have a husband, yet i hope they will be mothers in the way Hashem created the world to bring children into this world!
June 27, 2011 12:50 am at 12:50 am #781023pascha bchochmaParticipantI am not one to judge those who have to make such choices. Let’s not jump to conclusions.
June 27, 2011 1:01 am at 1:01 am #781024sof davarMemberForget being stigmatized. As difficult as the situation is for the woman, I think that it would pretty selfish to knowingly bring a child into the world who will not have a father.
June 27, 2011 3:48 am at 3:48 am #781025oomisParticipantSof davar, there are MANY children who come into this world and have no father, i.e. he died in the army or in an accident, became ill and died, or the parents divorced. While it may not be an ideal situation, if the mother has a close supportive network, her children will never lack for love.
As to stigma – only mean spirited people would stigmatize such a child. This is not the Dark Ages. Not everyone can or wants to adopt. If a woman has a biological urge to reproduce if possible, who are we to deny her that? yes, there are kids who need foster homes, but that is not up to us to decide for someone else.
June 27, 2011 3:53 am at 3:53 am #781026sheinMemberWhat gives her a right to satisfy her urge? Her wanting it is not a license.
June 27, 2011 4:45 am at 4:45 am #781027HLMMemberI JUST SAW THIS POST AND I WOULD SAY PLEASE ASK YOUR JEWISH ORTHODOX RABBI BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IT GETS COMPLICATED…
June 27, 2011 6:54 am at 6:54 am #781028bezalelParticipantEven if Mutter, it’s definitely Ossur to spread this around. So now more women won’t find any need to get married and be Oiver the Issur in S’A!
You’re just contridicting yourself.
June 27, 2011 10:37 am at 10:37 am #781029welldressed007ParticipantOne is being ‘poretz geder’ in this case. Latter of the law spirit of the law. If you want a heter so badly it can be found, however, this does not make it morally or ethically appropriate. Actions are accountable. Think before you do , there are consequences. Stop being selfish!!!!
June 27, 2011 12:10 pm at 12:10 pm #781030Derech HaMelechMemberoomis I feel that you’re comment is not realistic. It is not one person who will stigmatize such a child but the community as a whole. Divorce and death are common and natural situations where a child might lose a parent. There are thousands of such cases within the frum community world wide and even they come with at least a minimal amount of stigma. But children of extra-marital pregnancy by anonymous fathers would understand the events surrounding their conception to be entirely abnormal and become stigmatized on their own. Especially in a family oriented community like ours.
And is fulfilling biological urges a valid reason for anything? If men would fulfill their biological urges, Father’s Day would by quite confusing. As it is for other races. Is that acceptable?
June 27, 2011 6:24 pm at 6:24 pm #781032ShrekParticipantsingle motherhood is the fastest route to poverty. Some women have no choice, they lose their spouse to divorce or death. Just another point to consider.
June 27, 2011 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #781033HealthParticipantBezalel – “You’re just contridicting yourself.”
Let me see, I really don’t think there is a contradiction. I’ll explain to ones who don’t understand – Even if a single woman finds a Heter to have children without marriage, and this Heter is Ousgehalten, people should not spread this around because this will cause some women to lose some of their desire or all of their desire to get married. Because now they have another way to have kids!
June 27, 2011 6:54 pm at 6:54 pm #781034adorableParticipantdont know if its assur or not but it definitely sounds very odd to me. poor child.
June 27, 2011 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #781035haifagirlParticipantpoor child.
A woman was willing to go through whatever it would take, face all kinds of possible ostracism, just to have a child. Can you imagine how much that child is loved? Poor child? Lucky child!
June 27, 2011 8:28 pm at 8:28 pm #781036HealthParticipanthaifagirl – I can understand the sentiment of “poor child”, because let’s say this woman doesn’t have outside support or lots of money in the bank -she now has to choose to either give up working and the kid will be raised in poverty or continue working and not have that much time raising the child. The child will be taken of by strangers most of the day.
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