Home › Forums › Family Matters › Sibling Rivalry: How to get them to stop fighting
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August 14, 2009 1:18 am at 1:18 am #590189mchemtobMember
It seems like lately I’ve been more of a referee than a parent. so I was wondering what’s the cr’s take on sibling rivalry and how to handle it.
August 14, 2009 1:36 am at 1:36 am #652757havesomeseichelMembergood topic! I was wondering what to do if you are the one that seems to be getting into more and more fights…
August 14, 2009 1:53 am at 1:53 am #652758veyatzivMemberThe best antidote is to keep them busy non-stop. If it looks like some fight is coming up, give one an errand or give them something to do.
August 14, 2009 1:53 am at 1:53 am #652759jewishfeminist02MemberBack off and let the other person have some space. If you are constantly together, you will continue to fight. If, however, you keep a distance, you’ll soon forget why you were so angry in the first place.
My brother once did something that upset me, and immediately afterwards said, “I’m sorry I did that to you yesterday.” Confused, I said, “What?” and he responded, “Yeah, we should pretend it happened yesterday so you won’t be mad at me anymore.”
Strong familial relationships can withstand fighting. Sibling rivalry is normal; the trick is to keep it contained to small quibbles and not let it blow up into an ongoing, festering grudge.
August 14, 2009 3:29 am at 3:29 am #652760oomisParticipantSibling rivalry and sibling fighting are two different things. Many siblings are jealous of each other but never fight with each other specifically because of the rivalry. One may be upset that another broke a favorite toy. Another might be angry because the other one is not doing his or her chores. Rivalry comes from jealousy, and it is hard for parents to ALWAYS treat all their kids the same. You really can’t. Each child is unique and needs a specific type of attention at times. If the children ARE fighting though, they need to be separated and the parents have to give them equal time to explain what happened and why, without rancor and/or prejudice.
It really DOES seem to be normal for most kids to think their parents love the other one better. It’s when they act out as a result of that jealousy, that there is a problem. And parents have to ask themselves – ARE they possibly showing favoritism to one child over the other, consistently? If so, it has to be addressed.
August 14, 2009 4:05 am at 4:05 am #652761abxParticipantSometimes it’s best to let them handle the problem on their own. Just let them fight it out. They’ll find a solution eventually. Only if they’re really tearing each other apart, then I’ll step in and help them analyze the situation and come up with a solution. This teaches them how to solve problems in the future.
August 14, 2009 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #652762oomisParticipant“Sometimes it’s best to let them handle the problem on their own”
Yes, I do agree with that. But sometimes a parent has to step in, too. The trick is to know the difference and when it is necessary.
August 14, 2009 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #652763havesomeseichelMemberWhat if the two siblings are constantly in a state of arguing? Each one is jealous of the other one, they both realize that it is immature and unnecessary and pointless, but they just cannot stop it? They are old enough to realize this or they should be able to realize this. Is it natural for two siblings close in age to always feel like they are competing with each other?
August 14, 2009 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #652764smalltowngirlMemberActions and reactions need to be age appropriate –
If siblings are arguing, I usually try to stop them and find out what they are arguing about and HELP them to come to an appropriate resolution. If a toy is desired to be played with by both parties, they can’t seem to figure out a way to either share, play together or just take turns then it becomes my property and I will allow time to pass and present the opportunity to try it again. This really works even into their teens!
I also “catch’ them in moments of sharing and interacting nicely and remind them how fortunate they are to have each other.
I don’t like yelling and fighting in my home – in anger.
We do yell and scream for good behaviors and accomplishments! B”H we yell alot lately!
August 16, 2009 5:08 pm at 5:08 pm #652765shaatraMemberAreivem: of course its normal!!
August 16, 2009 8:02 pm at 8:02 pm #652766Mrs. BeautifulMemberWhen I was girl I was amongst a bunch of lovely sisters and we didnt fight too often, I barely knew sibling rivalry existed. Then I got married to a husband part of a family of boys and I could not believe my eyes.
Today My husband is way more easygoing than I am when it comes to siblings fighting in my home since he sees it as a normal part of growing up. My husband says it will pass and the more emphasis you put on it, the more you blow it up. I am learning to agree, Kids fight one second and the next minute they are best buddies.
August 16, 2009 9:07 pm at 9:07 pm #652767shtarkyMembermy take on this matter is to elimante things that would cause a child to be jealus of the other. a parent has to be careful to treat each child equally while mantaining a special bond with each one. its hard but fighting shouldnt be something a child is exposed to. its not a concept they should know. if they arent exposed to it a young age than they wont fight as they get older.
August 17, 2009 8:32 pm at 8:32 pm #652769Mrs. BeautifulMembershtarky, as a parent you have to realize that NOT each child is treated equally. Different children have different needs. Just like you wouldn’t put one child in therapy bec another child is getting it, similarly, some children need more leniency while others need a firmer hand etc. Parents need loads of Siyata Dishmaya to determain exactly what each child needs while at the same time avoiding jealousy.
This of course is the same advice we get from a famous Chazal, learned from Yaakov Avinu…80
August 18, 2009 2:23 am at 2:23 am #652770shtarkyMemberof course that was what i meant dont be biased . everyone has favorites but dont show it and if you dont act on your favoritism after time it will pass
August 18, 2009 10:11 am at 10:11 am #652771Mrs. BeautifulMemberMany children be it at home or in the classroom view fair as equal. Children are not mature enough to understand that diff children have different needs.
August 18, 2009 12:55 pm at 12:55 pm #652772yossi z.Memberwhat about when a sibling FIGHT spans say five years?
August 18, 2009 2:47 pm at 2:47 pm #652773anon for thisParticipantI don’t treat my children equally but I do try to treat them fairly. My oldest is on a restricted medical diet, so I will go to greater effort & expense to buy her foods she can eat than I will for my other kids. I tell my other kids that this is because she has fewer food choices (& outside of her presence we’ll discuss in more detail how difficult it is to adhere to a restricted diet), and they seem to understand.
I don’t have favorites among my children but I love different aspects of each one. I try to accept each as he/ she is, and relate to them according to their interests, while helping them to be the best they can. My oldest son is interested in sports; he knows that I don’t know much about it but I’ll help him look up scores & he’ll tell me about his favorite players. And of course I enjoy hearing about his latest basketball or baseball game. I don’t think I’ll ever love sports, but I do love him.
Also I try to reward & encourage them to work together & help each other. I point out to the older kids how much the younger kids admire them. At the same time I try not to give the older kids too much responsibility for the younger ones. My kids know that I will allow them to make more noise/ a bigger mess if they are working together and getting along than if they are fighting.
One thing I’ve learned not to do is to expect my kids to be like me, or to be like each other. I know a family where the children, while growing up, were told, “why can’t you be like your sibling?” when they misbehaved or did not do well in school. Today they are adults but still criticize each other over minor differences.
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