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(not sure if there is another similar thread) My two sons are constantly fighting. The younger one (3) will call the older one (5) a name or break what he’s building and the older one will hurt him and the fight goes on…I need REAL good advice on what to do. I try to teach my five year old to ignore the younger one, but it doesn’t always work. HELP!
It would seem that your 3 year old is looking for attention and doesn’t really know how to ask for it. You might try to suggest that when they older one sees him coming he might ask if he wants to play with him. Then he can say, I just want to finish this so give me a minute, in the mean time think of something you would like to do.
Usually, kids just want to feel loved, wanted and needed. If you give them the attention they crave for they won’t do inappropriate things to gain that attention.
Sounds very normal to me!! BH you have kids with lots of energy!!
I love all my siblings but clearly remember having fistfights when very young. As long as they can work together when they want to it’s fine, you can probably ignore it.
They’re kids — more importantly, they’re small, immature kids. It’s perfectly normal.
The Wolf
Is this normal if it were girls (rather than boys)?
Is this normal if it were girls (rather than boys)?
At that age? Yes. Little girls hit too.
The Wolf
Ben Torah
If they were girls it would probably be the same just at a higher decibel level.
Ben Torah – yes, perfectly normal. Just please don’t put it in my artscroll biography!
i think it is normal, just as selfishness is normal, and it is something that must be corrected. it is a wonderful opportunity to instill good Middos in your children.
the question is how to do it?
i dont know
i bet there is plenty of information about this in Rabbi Orloweks: My Child, My Disciple, and Lawrence Kellemans: To Kindle A Soul
Ramateshkolian: The only thing I can suggest is to have patience. Eventually they will grow up. My daughter went through the same thing with her boys for many years. They are now 16 and 18 and, for the most part, are now good friends.
I agree. Fighting (as long as it doesnt involve weapons or spraypaint) is a good sign.
Take it from me and my siblings (but he REALLY started it this time!)
I think the goal here should be: 1) minimal blood :o) and 2) ongoing interactions. Because as long as they are interacting, there is potential for their relationship to improve. Once they cut each other off (or you cut them off, by constantly separating them), they will have trouble relating as teens/adults.
Also give them alternatives – a lot of feeling words, etc… Example: “Yossi, look, Shmuely is so sad/angry/frustrated when you break his building. If you want to play with him, use your words and ask him” And the opposite for the older one: “Shmuely, I know you’re upset that Yossi broke your building. I think you should tell him exactly how upset it makes you. Why do you think he did that, anyway?”
Ramateshkolian
Let them fight they are kids. Eventually the little guy will learn his lesson and stop messing with the older one. Its an important lesson to learn that usually requires some pain.
You’re within the realm of normal, sure, but it’s understandable you want help. Any parenting support groups or classes in your area? There are some great books too, so many I’m not sure which few are the best for this issue.
Firstly, try not to get involved – unless they are at each others throats, or they ask you to mediate. They may think you are picking sides.
Secondly, there was recently an article in the Hamodia about forcing children to share. The crux of the article was, that if a child has a toy and another wants it, we should not tell the owner to share, as this gives the child a message that he is not the owner, and he will get upset and resent the act of sharing. He must be explained that he IS the owner, and if he wants to do the right thing / he wants to do a mitzva, he should share.
In theory it sounds a sensible point.
Anyone disagree?
Maybe we could make a new thread for this discussion
ben torah, from my experience girls fight more with words – nasty and hurtful comments than actual fistfights. (although that can happen on occasion, but not typical)
yaff80 said:
“The crux of the article was, that if a child has a toy and another wants it, we should not tell the owner to share, as this gives the child a message that he is not the owner, and he will get upset and resent the act of sharing
He must be explained that he IS the owner, and if he wants to do the right thing / he wants to do a mitzva, he should share.”
This is the way I always do it.
yaff80
i believe that is of crucial importance
forcing the child to share actually makes them more protective of their property and more selfish
encouraging to share and rewarding it is a different story
It is not ok to let a 5 year old and a 3 year old fight and hurt each other. It is better to help them understand why each of them are doing what they are doing and to find ways to communicate with each other. Don’t forget that communication is the key and that fighting will not be contained only between them and in your own home. If they don’t learn to communicate they will do what they do to each other to outsiders as well.
It is not ok to let a 5 year old and a 3 year old fight and hurt each other.
No, it’s not okay. But it is normal for kids to go through that stage in their development.
The Wolf
Yaffa – actually it is a known developmental fact that children cannot share until they first feel a sense of ownership – you cannot share what is not yours to begin with. Some kids develope this sense of ownership earlier and some later. So, yes, the technique suggested in the article you read is on target.
As one of two brothers who were as close in age as your two sons, I grew up always fighting with my brother. Don’t worry, the punching and wrestling will end shortly before the boys become grandfathers. I think that’s normal for boys.
A friend who was a child psychiatrist said that living in a household with only boys is akin to living with untrained monkeys.
If you have a girl, she will have a moderating effect on the boy.
My mother got us a dog, and we teased the dog, who loved to be teased, rather than teasing our brother.
The dog was also a pacifist, so she would start barking at us when we fought with each other. In order to have a decent fight, we would have to stop, take the dog to another room, and close the door on her. By the time we were ready to resume our fight, we had forgotten what we were fighting about, and would resume our normal activity.
Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah….
You can go crazy but ALL kids fight.I have yet to meet a mother that didn’t go insane from all that fighting…
So far I’m still trying to help myself! When I figure it out I’ll give you some advice.
When you see adult siblings fighting (not physically but every other way), is that, generally, a result of their fighting relationship as a child?
Ben Torah: You said:”generally, a result of their fighting relationship as a child”
In my experience this is completely untrue. Most adult siblings that fight do it for one of 3 reasons:
1. Their spouses don’t like each other
2. They have disagreements about business dealings.
3. They fight over a yerushah – biggest of all reasons.
I missed this whole thread being in the hospital with my son who fractured his skull
from the fighting?
It’s normal that kids should fight.
Don’t blame yourself.
RamatEshkolian: rewards are not the same as bribes. Bribes happen before the action “If I give you this, then you have to promise to behave” – never works, cuz they already have what they want. Rewards happen after “If you behave, then you will get X” it’s the child’s version of a paycheck; we get ’em, why shouldn’t they?
Best segulah for raising kids who love and respect all their siblings, and are gentle and helpful is treat your spouse that way. Shalom Bayis goes far.
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