Should the wishes of racist parents that I not date their child be respected?

All the involved families, including the boys and girl, are against pictures in shidduchim.

Then decide the same way you would decide between two Lithuanians.

Then flip a coin

Joseph’s response: Pretend every coin in the world has been destroyed. 🙂

Wolf: She won’t know how either looks until and unless she dates him. (There are no shidduch pictures as many families eschew them as inappropriate.) Many frum families use a traditional shidduch process where the parents do almost all of the legwork and the child will not date anyone not recommended by her parents. In the not distant past, for millenia, often the parents themselves would select a shidduch for their children with the child at most simply giving a yes or no when first meeting the mate. (And yes was the norm having reliance and trust in their parents.) Nowadays the paradigm has shifted but nevertheless in the frummer families the shidduch process is still parent-focused.

You asked how we would do things. I would never get involved in a shidduch situation like this for my kids. It’s something that is so alien to us that I couldn’t answer the question. I can’t imagine ever being so presumptuous as to tell my kids whom they can and cannot date, that they must do so without knowing anything about the perspective date (to the point where they cannot even see a picture) and where I would intentionally shut my son/daughter out of the process completely before the first date. To me, this whole scenario is just as absurd as the one I jokingly made at the top of this post (where every coin in the world is destroyed).

I told you what I would do in shidduchim. I’m not going to play along with your scenarios as they do not apply to me and my family, and I’m not going to presume to attempt to answer what I would do if I were in some bizarre alternate universe where I was so close-minded and controlling where I was, essentially, no longer me.

The Wolf

If your imagination is too close minded to accept or role play such a scenario, then you don’t have to participate in this exercise.

Ah, yes. Call *me* closed minded because I accept an alternate possibility where my kids have some input into whom they marry.

In any event, I call foul on your assumption anyway. I don’t think the majority (or even close to it) have the parents do *everything* with absolutely *no* input from the prospective bride and groom.

In short, you’re creating some scenario that barely exists outside the chassidic world and claiming that the majority of yeshvish people do so. Baloney.

The Wolf

The Wolf

I would consider both shidduchim. Race is something that does not bother me.

rew: Get a grip. I only asked a question, not a statement. And I haven’t heard about cherem rabbeinu gershom being repealed to allow double marriages.

Does simply answering this make you uneasy?: If someone redt an ethnic Nigerian guy with an Afro hair to date your daughter and at a later time someone else redt an ethnic European to date your daughter, all other things being equal, would you be more reluctant or slower to pass on the first shidduch proposals than the second?

It’s not difficult for me to answer. I told you what I’d do — I’d let my daughter decide.

You want me to answer the question of “If I wasn’t me, what would I do?” You’re asking me to answer as if I were a different person who belonged to a group that has a very different outlook on dating and marriage than I do. So, any answer I give along that way is meaningless, because it’s based on fiction rather than how I would react in real life.

That’s not good enough for you? Too bad. I’m not going to play your game of “if you were a racist, what would you do?” My answer stands — all other things being equal, I would let my daughter decide which one she wants to date. If it’s the white boy, so be it. If it’s the black boy, so be it.

The Wolf