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I’ll give it a shot, one part of really eye-opening article, if the mods will allow it through…
During the decades that Rozman, the new school’s founder, spent teaching at a religious seminary, she found that when girls began flouting the dress code or not showing up, it often correlated with attention deficit disorder or with stress at home. “Not dressing appropriately was only the call for help, the SOS,” Rozman said. “They had real struggles, often inside, and the school had no real way to help them.” Such girls often left or were kicked out, leaving them with no other options.
“And the fall for ultra-Orthodox girls who are not within an educational framework is very steep and very fast,” Rozman said. “Once they do one thing that is not acceptable, it often leads to doing many other things.”
Around the same time, about a decade ago, her husband, Dov, a judge on a Jerusalem religious court, also noticed the high number of ultra-Orthodox boys who, instead of attending yeshiva, spent their days hanging out on the street. “Everyone sees these kids in the streets,” Dov said. “But the Haredi system did not have any solution for them back then. There was nothing for these weaker learners to do.”
So in 2008, the Rozmans, who have nine children, opened one program for boys and one program for girls who had dropped out of the traditional education system. They teamed up with the Amal Educational Network, which operates high schools around Israel with a strong focus on technology, and also offers programs for youth-at-risk, to design the first alternative ultra-Orthodox educational framework. The boys’ school is called Amalenu and combines traditional yeshiva-style learning with technical and vocational skills, as well as offers counseling and life-skills courses. The girls’ school, called Tlamim, also incorporates counseling and operates three dorms to house students who have left home, sometimes by choice and sometimes by court order. Neot Tamar is the couple’s most recent project.
The biggest difference between the boys’ and girls’ programs is that in most cases the boys have left the traditional yeshiva framework, which requires long days of Talmud study, due to learning disabilities. “But the girls, we only see things like learning disabilities in about 40 percent,” Ester Rozman said. “In most cases, they are suffering and end up outside the traditional framework because of bad situations at home.”
That’s how one 18-year-old Jerusalem girl ended up at Tlamim. “What happened at home is really complicated,” the girl said, declining to give details. But two years ago she moved to Tlamim and finally found herself feeling secure enough to focus on her studies. “This is a very warm place, and here I have figured out that if I make the investment, I can do anything and go anywhere,” said the girl. “Before this, I never did anything.” On the day she spoke with me, she was one of only two girls in Tlamim’s school building, near the Central Bus Station. There were no classes due to the Lag BaOmer holiday, but this particular girl had come in to spend extra time studying for a final exam in Hebrew language and grammar.
“Let’s just say that I was in a very difficult place when I came here,” she said. “And even though I still don’t know exactly what I want to do, at least now I understand myself better.”
The girls from such sheltered communities work in the ‘big wide world’??They work in sheltered environments, and once they get married many do not work at all, since the hashkafah is that men should support their families.
If the only problem is that we are not letting people get degrees, why did people leave yiddishkeit years ago when everyone just wanted ‘my son the doctor, my son the lawyer”.
many of those “professionals” were lost to yiddishkeit .I had a daydream a few weeks ago about going undercover into footsteps and trying to grab some people back. After being in footsteps for a while i would rise in rank and eventually destroy the whole thing from the inside. Vlamalshinim al t’hi sikva etc
Am I missing something? People are talking about how to fight an organization that provided training, jobs, GED and social work. What if the chassidishe world provided the same services but within a kosher environment before going OTD? IS that asking too much?
To clarify – at Project Makom, we are offering basically all the same services Footsteps offers (referrals to job training, GED, ESL, college), support groups, PLUS all the Jewish stuff – Torah classes, shabbos and yomtov placement, connecting to rabbis. And we are offering a range of hashkafos to explore – everything from heimishe to halachic modern Orthodox.
Better for someone to get a BA in English than a BA in Cocaine which is what happens many times if the person has nowhere to go
ZDad: Footsteps is not exactly successful in stopping the cocaine epidemic within their ranks. The problem is that those that rebel against Yiddishkeit yet don’t find sippuk elsewhere continue to be lost souls looking to numb their pain and / or are trying to break all rules, including drug laws in their fight against authority — which they blame for all their ills.
That’s why I was so impressed by what’s being pioneered in Israel, which is to deal with those kids even minimally at risk before they spiral out of control with life threatening issues.
As noted in part of the article above, for example, girls that flout the dress codes are doing so in a cry for help about their life. So for many kids misbehaving is not because they need more freedom, as you seem to think, but because their life in general is a mess. They need to be helped in a loving environment. The secular world has a drug and suicide epidemic a lot worse than ours, including alcohol abuse widespread on college campuses.
With boys, Mrs. Rozman claims, they’re usually on the streets etc. because of learning disabilities. So these kids usually can’t handle college courses etc. We need less stressful and more “hands-on” vs. academic learning environments for them as well as hobbies/vocational training. חנוך לנער על פי דרכו is the Jewish way, which we need to provide or ch”v lose more souls.
Another part of the article I didn’t post is the major networking and computer analysis going on, which is done by Bloomberg’s organization. We don’t have any of this technology here, AFAIK, just a bunch well meaning individuals and some organizations with old-fashioned networking that sort of works, but we can do so much better.
Mammele, richer communities compared to poorer communities turn to prescription drugs over street drugs. A successful abuse of prescription drugs never gets reported.
RY: can you please clarify your comment.
Rich or poor, misuse of drugs is wrong, whether it gets caught or not.
Some of the people going to footsteps may already on their way to earning a BA in Cocaine, Getting them a BA in English may stop some of them from the BA in Cocaine, but not all can be helped.
When you are dealing with a population with greater troubled individuals, you will get a greater people who earn that BA in Cocaine
Within the past few weeks, I wrote two long articles on my Nefesh blog on the Footsteps topic. I will summarize one part here.
Footsteps is an organization ostensibly geared to helping a growing number of young adults who are disenchanted with their current lifestyle and place in Judaism. This is most likely related to emotional pain, mental illness, backgrounds of trauma, LGBT related struggles, as well as theological questions. Footsteps seeks to work with this community by assisting them in various ways including educational, financial, and providing social support.
I would like to focus on the psychological harm that the Footsteps membership may be exposed to (presumably encouraged by the staff and the broader Footsteps culture. Is the break-off-ties approach practiced, advocated, or subtly encouraged by Footsteps psychologically healthy? Understandably, this is sometimes necessary as a last resort. However, this is commonplace within Footsteps culture. Breaking off the shackles of G-d as well as families and communities of origin are too often a major part of achieving the path of self-determination advocated for the Footsteps culture. Does this indeed bring happiness and fulfillment or perhaps it creates even greater hardship and emotional pain than before?
To shed light on this question, I wish to quote directly from the writings of Footsteps participants, primarily from two board members Shulem Deen and Leah Vincent. I have read both of their books as well as several other books of this genre written by Footsteps members. First, some background information to their stories based on my own brief summaries of their specific trajectories from frum to Footsteps life.
Deen was raised in a moderate Chassidic home in Boro Park. After his father’s premature death and experiencing loneliness and isolation, he chanced upon the Tish of the Skverer Rebbe and was enamored by the vibrancy and belongingness he experienced. He soon became a full-fledged Skverer chossid and adopted its fervent (and extreme) approach in thought and practice. Following his marriage and increasing exposure to more open-minded thinking, he began experiencing gradual rejection from the community. At one point, he bolted to the other extreme and left observant Judaism totally, estranging himself from his children in the process.
Vincent grew up as one of 11 children of an out-of-town yeshivish prominent family whose father was a respected Rabbi. During her adolescence, she was drawn to the broader world around her including the opposite sex as well as a different and appealing value system. While her family may differ with her narrative, she experienced rejection from her father and family. She found herself in deep pain and alone. She abandoned Orthodoxy and embarked on an emotional and moral free fall, culminating in self-mutilation and prostitution. She eventually went on to receive a secular education in Brooklyn College and Harvard University, married, and began raising a family.
It is not for me to condone or judge their behavior (I’ll leave that to G-d), but I do find some of their writings to be intellectually honest and real. Hence, I would like to quote from some of their writings to address the possible psychological implications of the cutting-off-ties approach. I will begin with quotes from an article by Deen:
“We must acknowledge that the journey away from ultra-Orthodoxy is so fraught that some simply don’t make it. There can no longer be any doubt: Members of our ex-haredi community are at an elevated risk for suicide.
I have known many ex-Haredim who over the years, as they tried to build their lives, felt in their isolation the ground beneath them shaking, felt the vertigo inherent in the transition from a restriction-filled life to one of self-determination”.
“It is also in this sense that ex-haredi Jews are homeless. We have chosen exile – temporarily, we hope, until we build our own foundations, our own supports, our own homes. But not all of us manage. I think of the list of names, of friends and acquaintances now gone, with the latest one freshly tacked on: Alex Deutch. Ruchy Nove. Deb Tambor. Joey Diangelo. Jacob Ausch. Faigy Mayer. Gone by their own hands. Gone, too, are their demons, and their dreams. How many others are in the shadows, with needs that aren’t being met”?
Sadly, he concludes by advocating even stronger for a Footsteps based approach, ignoring the fact that one can never fully compensate for one’s family, community, and G-d of origin. Compromise, reconciliation, and conflict resolution is what he should be arguing for. And, yes, even finding religious practice may be a part of this as he himself acknowledges in another article.
Sociologists confirm that feeling alienated from society is not merely discomfiting, but a condition of crisis. Emile Durkheim, the pioneering French sociologist, wrote of anomie, a condition in which individuals feel alienated from the norms and values of the surrounding population, the feeling of rootlessness leading to depression and even suicide. Durkheim argued that this is even more common in modernity, with its swing toward secularism and away from the religious structures that contributed to cohesive societies in the past. Evolutionary psychologists can likely point to how this helped our ancestors survive. To me, there is the simple, observable fact that humans long for community, and one of the most apparent sources of community is in shared religious belief and practice”.
Moving on to thoughts from Leah Vincent, I freely quote from parts of her article relevant to my point.
“According to Footsteps, an organization providing support to those leaving insular Jewish communities, as many as 80% of its members have contemplated suicide. Speaking for myself, I can say that I am a confident and happy woman. I am delighted with my supportive community, I adore the family I have made, and I relish my meaningful work and pleasures. Despite all of that, I still have moments when it seems like every cell in my body is vibrating with hurt, aching for a rest with no awakening. In these moments, to choose to continue to live another day seems a Herculean task. For all I have learned and gained in the 15 years since I took my first steps out of ultra-Orthodoxy, I still, shockingly often, ache for death”.
“Some ultra-Orthodox may say that this pain is my tormented soul calling me back to God. I don’t disagree. But the calls are a noxious tick tock, and the thing they label “soul” in me is a dirty bomb, begging for my destruction”.
“Some will point to my confession of struggle as proof that we are broken people. And I will respond: You are right; we are often broken. The terror we have ingested, frequently reinforced and nurtured by the threats and punishments of former family and friends, destroys us from within”.
“I do not know if those of us who struggle after leaving can ever escape the dichotomous choice of falling prey to doom or racing after success with destruction panting at our heels. I do not know if the whole dynamic can be rejected for a peaceful life that turns away from this insistence that the heretic cannot thrive in peace. I only know that I am afraid for my friends, and I have been afraid for myself, and that my defense against my fear is to speak out and name the fear”.
In addition to Vincent’s emotionally jarring and well-written article quoted above, the comments following it are equally revealing and I quote some:
S Barton:
The OTD community has to look itself in the mirror to see if they aren’t plagued with some of the severe accusations the Orthodox community is blamed for, by them.
Speaking to some of the ex OJ’s who told me that whenever they chose some sort of return to religiousness, as observing a bit of Shabbat, adhering to some laws they were brought up with, and so on, they were subjected to humiliation, shame, vitriol and some bullying of “hey you’re caving in to pressure” or look he/she is becoming a BT. What bothered me tho most is that instead of practicing freedom which includes freedom of religion as well, they are breathing down the necks of those that dare leave them.
boruch:
Wow Leah. What a searingly honest piece.
This is the very first article written by a member of the otd community, that isn’t afraid to look the devil in the eye, and say it as it is. No otd’er has ever had the courage to admit honestly about the unbeleavable hardships they face constantly, let alone be willing to share it on a public venue. The legitimate fear of scorn and ridicule when admitting such, is just too heavy a load to bear for the otherwise fragile and tormented soul. Yet without honestly facing all our skeletons, the community is doomed. To me, your article heralds a new era for the community.Eitan:
There is what to be said about the community shutting its doors on those that leave, but maybe if those that leave take an impartial step back and look at why their are so unhappy, it is not necessarily the “ridiculous” prophecies of the leaders and parents in the orthodox community that cause it. Maybe, just maybe, the feeling felt by those who left the community is not pain b/c of ridicule, but because the prophecy was true. And not because the parents forced it that way, but b/c it is. Those that leave a life of meaning, of moral values, and a mesorah passed on through 2,000 years of Torah study, for a life of futility and fleeting pleasure, yes they will find despair and contemplate suicide. Look at the life of many non-Jews, it includes unrestricted immoralities such as parties, drinking and drugs, and affairs, crime, and divorce. Now look at the average Orthodox Jewish household and tell me it’s the same….and now you wonder why you are less happy and contemplating suicide after you left the faith.
Chaim Neuhoff, PhD
In my previous post, I highlighted the psychological harm that Footsteps members are exposed to. I would like to comment on a second point: the disingenuousness of the organization. They present themselves as a religiously neutral organization. They claim to assist a very vulnerable population via providing educational, social and financial services for those who were pushed out of Orthodoxy. This type of thinking can be found in this thread, in conversations with Orthodox lay people, and is also noted in the unconfirmed reports that they receive significant amount of funding from Modern Orthodox individuals.
While focusing on the contributions of Footsteps to some in our community is understandable, it is misguided and fails to consider the complete picture. I have had personal discussions with several individuals who have frequented Footsteps as well as read written accounts from an entire genre of books and articles written by those who have joined Footsteps. Please consider the following:
• Footsteps openly admits that they are not geared to service those who wish to remain chareidi, even those who experienced the same trauma and require the same services. At the same time, they open their arms to those who wish to achieve freedom of determination who admit that they have not experienced anything negative with their families of origin or Judaism. In fact, a growing segment of Footsteps members are Modern Orthodox whose primary stated purpose of joining are theological difficulties with Orthodoxy (e.g., feminism).
• I have heard from several who have personally experienced the Footsteps culture that the tone of participants is both anti-G-d and anti-religion. Attendees have shared with me that they felt there was an unspoken but not so subtle agenda to encourage participants to no longer be religious. I am aware of at least two episodes where members have taken heat for expressing a belief in G-d. These type of sentiments are unwelcome there and all are influenced by this. Considering that according to a recent Harris poll, 74% of Americans believe in G-d, this is an extreme viewpoint, but is mainstream within Footsteps culture. Please note that this may, in fact, may not be “official” policy and may not represent the personal beliefs of organizational leaders, but it is the reality on a practical level. Certain members become community leaders due to various reasons and, for all practical purposes, they set the tone for the Footsteps culture.
• While the program officially claims to have no agenda regarding people’s religiosity, the board members are all formerly Orthodox and now no longer religious, the staff is not religious, many if not most of their events take place on Shabbos and at non-kosher establishments (caveat: someone recently informed me that they recently hired some Orthodox staff).
• Footsteps board members, senior staff, and membership are formerly Orthodox with emotional histories of their own related to religion and Orthodoxy. Can they honestly say that they are neutral with regard to religion? Their decisions, based on backgrounds of abuse and trauma, may be understandable. However, too often, these negative experiences have shaped their views on Judaism. One can pretend to be neutral in brochures or videos, but in real-life this outward neutrality is often accompanied by a subtle agenda to uproot that which has ostensibly caused them pain.Considering the above, it is obviously an organization primarily dedicated to assisting individuals to leave Orthodoxy and religion. I don’t judge anyone for their views, especially views influenced by traumatic backgrounds, but I do think that it is dishonest to publicly claim religious neutrality, while anyone exposed to Footsteps culture knows that this is laughable.
In my opinion if the raison d’être of this organization is to facilitate leaving a Halachic lifestyle via providing various types of support, it is a Chilul Hashem to assist them, praise them, or collaborate with them in any way. This is the true even if the behavior of some of its members is understandable. We in the Orthodox community needs to be very careful before conferring even tacit approval of any aspect of Footsteps.
Chaim Neuhoff, PhD.
Dr. Neuhoff:
I appreciate your articulate statements about the true dynamic of Footsteps. I consider myself one of their mortal enemies, and I daven regularly for their demise. My label for this organization is that it is a missionary cult. And by its self-label as a neutral Jewish organization that aims to help, it is terribly misleading. We are usually prepared to some degree to cope with a Yetzer Horah that is tempting us with committing aveiros that are clearly labeled as such. When the temptation is more insidious, and it comes packaged as a positive thing that is healthy, even righteous, the power to overcome that needs to be far greater. There are reams of divrei mussar about the tricky Yetzer Horah, and how preemptive we need to be to combat this to victory. The advent of this evil, wicked missionary organization is a great nisayon for Klal Yisroel. As I stated in an earlier comment, these types of Yetzer Horah can win when we are internally weak, inadequately imbued with the midos of Ahavas Hashem and Yir’as Hashem. The external trappings of levush are not worth much in this battle, since the weapons are not repelled by clothing or appearance. The hearts need strength. Our generation needs much healing in this area.
Yasher Koach for your comments on this.
“They present themselves as a religiously neutral organization.”
Personally, I don’t think it’s possible for an organization that helps people find a new derech to be “religiously neutral”.
When I first heard about Footsteps, I spent some time reading their web site. There was an event posted there, and it was specifically stated that both Kosher and non-Kosher food would be provided. Since there’s no reason why even a non-observant Jew “needs” non-Kosher food, that was an obvious sign of the organization’s mindset.
Meanwhile, this topic wasn’t about Footsteps. but a halachic alternative, such as the existing Project Makom.
There is a hidden secret in NYC, an organization that does the most wonderful holy work with our children. We should all support this organization and not try to reinvent the wheel. Reach out to Rabbi Turk and Rabbi Portnoy from the Jewish Heritage Center that have saved hundreds of boys and girls , Hashem’s children, OUR SIBLINGS, from being lost forever!! Go to their website and call them. Ask them how you can help them save another soul!! We are losing our children and they know how to bring them back!! Donate to them!! Hashem should bless them with Hatzlacha in their heilige work!
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