Should I let my son start dating?

Home Forums Shidduchim Should I let my son start dating?

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  • #611761
    BachurTzvi
    Participant

    Hi everyone I know my name says bachur but I’m not I’ve actually got a son 21 and 2 months and that’s what I want to talk about…he’s been telling me that he wants to start dating this peasch and I don’t know what to say he’s still young most boys his age are still going to be in Israel but on the other hand he wants to start dating he feels its time for him….Did anyone have this with there son cuz I really font know what to do,do I let him go out or tell him to stay in Israel for another zman????? Plz help me I really don’t know what to do and oesach will be here before you know it!

    #997946
    Zushy
    Participant

    If he is mature enough to start dating then why not? If he isn’t then wait. The question is how to decide whether he is ready.

    #997947
    King19
    Member

    Speak to his rav in Israel to see if he is ready. I have opposite problem. I’m younger and want to learn but my father wants me to date.

    #997948
    sem613
    Participant

    I think you need to figure out why he thinks he’s ready to start dating, and evaluate if he is.

    there are some guys who are ready to be married at 21, and he can always come back to American and learn here.

    but talk to him, ask him why he thinks its time for him to start dating

    also, if he has a sister around the same age (or theoretically he could do this with a parent), make him have a conversation THAT DOES NOT CENTER AROUND HIS LEARNING. because that is hwat he will need to do when he starts dating, and he needs to know how. if his mind is still too in the clouds to do this, then he’s not ready.

    I did this for a brother of mine, and as much as it wasn’t really fun for me, it took just 20 minutes and it let my parents see that he was ready to enter that real world.

    #997949
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    You should take a poll of random people who don’t know your son (an internet chat room comes to mind) and do whatever the majority says.

    #997951
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Let him if he’s serious.

    #997952
    miritchka
    Member

    If he feels he is ready, and and you know he is ready (put your feelings about “losing” your son aside for now) then yes, he should be allowed to date. And know that you are helping the shidduch crisis…

    #997953
    BachurTzvi
    Participant

    Thank you @sem613 what a thought out great answer, i did have a talk with him and he was very mature and not in the clouds anymore, thats why i think im going to let him date..i guess there are some boys ready at 21 and i shouldnt be nervous!

    #997955
    yitzchokm
    Participant

    BachurTzvi,

    No, I don’t think you are ready for marriage.

    If you wanted real advice, you would ask the question without pretending to be your father.

    #997956
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    FWIW, I got married at 21 years of age.

    However, of course, I am not your son. Just because marriage was right for me at that age does not mean that it is right for everyone else (including your son). No one knows your son better than you and his mother. You need to sit down as a group and determine whether or not he is, actually, ready to date.

    The Wolf

    #997957
    WIY
    Member

    BachurTzvi

    Let him listen to Rabbi Shafiers Marriage Seminar, if he still wants to rush and get married at that point then maybe he is ready.

    #997958
    BachurTzvi
    Participant

    Yitzchokm u are weird, why do have to joke about this im trying to do whats best for my son

    #997962
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    yitzchokm read my mind. You may be the real deal but your writing style, and “u are weird” don’t sound much like a 40 something year old.

    #997963
    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Some are ready for marriage at 18 and some not at 88. If he thinks he’s ready – why not?

    #997964
    the-art-of-moi
    Participant

    yitzchokm-

    My thoughts exactly.

    OP-

    There’s a big difference between the way a 21 year old talks (or types in this case) and the way an at least 40 year old talks. So, nice try but…

    #997965
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    At 21, one is considered an adult and does not need parental consent.

    #997966
    oomis
    Participant

    Whar’s the difference WHO typed the post? The OP had a good question, clearly on his mind, and perhaps feels the need to ask anonymous people their OPINION. This is a forum of OPINIONS. In ALL cases, the OP and the party that is nogeya l’inyan are the ones who need to discuss this with each other. Perhaps he simply wanted some feedback for chizuk.

    #997967
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    If no opinions are allowed…Well, mammals are never green. Fact.

    #997968
    WIY
    Member

    rebyidd23

    Great advice, so much for kabeid es avicha vees imecha. I think Hashem disagrees slightly.

    #997969
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    No, one is allowed to get married even if ones parents want to keep their little baby.

    #997970
    PBT
    Member

    Let him date! Doesn’t matter what others do or not. Listen to him, let him try his best, and be there for him whatever the results of any given shidduch attempt happen to be.

    #997971
    FriendInFlatbush
    Participant

    He will definitely help out the age gap problem. If he feels he is ready, and there is no reason for him not to date, then let him go ahead. Hatzlacha!

    #997972
    i scream
    Member

    Give him the green light. He sounds ready and you both won’t know until you let him start. A practice date or beshow would be a good way to get him prepared. Hatzlocha!

    #997973
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    If it’s about him, yes. If it’s about you, no.

    #997974
    oomis
    Participant

    rebyidd23

    Great advice, so much for kabeid es avicha vees imecha. I think Hashem disagrees slightly.”

    Not to argue, WIY, but isn’t there an exception in some cases, when it comes to shidduchim? If not, then there are a LOT of boys who would never get married, because NO girl is good enough for them, according to their mommies.

    #997975
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Great advice, so much for kabeid es avicha vees imecha. I think Hashem disagrees slightly.

    I’m fairly certain that, when it comes to marriage, one is *not* bound to listen to his/her parents.

    The Wolf

    #997976
    i scream
    Member

    According to Halacha one may marry without parental consent. This is not recommended for a young bochur who is starting shidduchim. This is a parsha in which you as a parent need to make the calls and help him. Hatzlocha! I”YH he should find his besherte b’korov!

    #997977
    goldersgreener
    Participant

    Just being able to speak to a young lady for twenty minutes is no proof of readiness for marriage.

    Is he mature? Responsible? Does he understand finances? Can he sympathize wtih others? Is he prepared to give and give and give to his wife and children?

    I think too many people today try and learn on the job

    #997978
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I think too many people today try and learn on the job

    No, I think the problem is that too many people don’t try to learn on the job.

    #997979
    notasheep
    Member

    DY +1

    #997980
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Thank you, notasheep.

    #997981
    oomis
    Participant

    DY, good rejoinder. I agree with you.

    #997982
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Thanks, Oomis.

    #997983
    cherrybim
    Participant

    If your son needs your permission; he’s not ready.

    #997984
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    No, he doesn’t need it, but it’s polite to ask.

    #997985

    Cherrybim whats ur deal??? Hes asking his parents because he’s only 21 and thats the right thing to do.The young imature teens are the ones that dont ask their parents..but i would say your son is ready if u sit down with him and ask what he is looking 4, if it sound mature and what a ben torah should want then go with it..Hatzlocha rabbah with him i hope he finds his bashert soon

    #997986
    yitzchokm
    Participant

    Stam my opinion,

    what’s YOUR deal??? why berate Cherrybim?

    #997987

    Bec u cant question some1 at 21 years of age for asking his parents to date its totally normal

    #997988
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Make him date girls over the age of 25.

    #997989

    Torah613Torah u really are a smart man cuz ur statement makes just so much sense..you probaly work 4 NASI!!!

    #997990

    Torah613Torah u really are a smart man cuz ur statement makes just so much sense..you probaly work 4 NASI!!!

    #997991

    Torah613Torah u really are a smart man cuz ur statement makes just so much sense..you probaly work 4 NASI!!!

    #997992
    shloimiemt
    Participant

    The Talmud recommends that a man marry at age 18 “Shemoneh Esrei L’Chuppah”. That may possibly be a bit early in today’s days, but I believe that most bochurim are mature enough at 21 and should definitely start dating. My parents were holocaust survivors and pressured me to marry young even though my Rosh Hayeshivas were not exactly excited about it. I’m still thankful to them for that, several decades later. All Yiddish children should IY”H find their basherta in the right time and quickly.

    #997994
    yitzchokm
    Participant

    Stam my opinion=BachurTzvi=21 year old immature troll.

    #997995
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Asking his parents for permission to date is normal, asking his parents to date is not.

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