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I’ve been in many situations where although i may have been hurt by something, person #2 will share their own painful/hurtful experience with me and i’ll feel bad for them more and my own hurt will be less.
Then, person #3 will come over to me and tell me that person #2 was wrong and shouldnt try to minimize my pain/hurt, and how bad they feel for me…etc…
After such a situation, sometimes i will feel that person #3 is right and i’ll feel the same hurt/pain as i did originally. Or, I’ll feel more hurt/pain cuz of the idea that person #2 didnt care about how i felt and didnt sympothize. Or, I’ll have that same hurt/pain plus the confusion of whether my feelings are validated or not.
Maybe i am naive, or maybe my self confidence isnt as high as it should be, but is it really so strange that I end up feeling sad for person #2 and my own feelings of pain/hurt lessen after hearing someone else’s problem?
Is it wrong for someone to share their pain to show that my pain is not so bad or not worth feeling bad over?
I dont know if i’m making sense. This happens to me so often and i usually end up confused but still hurting.
Person #3 is an idiot. (And Person #2 is good.)
+1
I don’t think you are wrong. I think it is a human reaction to respond to someone’s pain by saying something like ” oh you thinks that’s bad..etc”. They probably do not mean to minimize your pain, you might even consider telling then how you feel so that you do not snap one day.
miritchka -“However, a few days later, i was talking to another close friend and she was telling me how bad she felt for me, then i brought up what the other friend said (without mentioning her name) and she started to tell me how its wrong to bring up your own pain when someone is trying to let out their feelings. And as sad as her situation may be, she cant compare pain…”
Your last friend is right. We have had this discussion many times previously here in the CR. OTOH, if your first friend would have just thought to herself -“What’s she complaining about -I had/have it much worse”, without actually saying it, there is nothing wrong with her thinking this.
miritchka: I think you should be able to answer the question yourself. First friend made you feel better. Second friend made you feel worse. Trust your feelings. The one who made you feel better was correct. The one who made you feel worse was wrong.
People usually feel better when the speak to someone who went through the same thing they did (even if the other experienced worse). They feel validated and understood. Much more than speaking to someone who didn’t experience same.
I do not remember who this story applies to.
There was a rebbe who lost his son due to an illness.
Another rebbe went to be menachem avul and told him
“I am jealous of you.” Everyone’s ears picked up.
How can a person say such a thing to someone who just lost his child?
The rebbe went on to say “I once had a beautiful daughter, who had a daughter of her own.
They were both killed in the holocaust and I don’t know when their yartzeit is, nor do they
have a burial place for me to go visit”.
The other rebbe answered “You have comforted me.”
I recently heard this type of story about Rav Gustman. He said this to the father of a fallen Israeli soldier.
If person #2 tells you that your feelings aren’t appropriate because she had it worse then she is wrong. Your feelings of pain are yours, and a person should feel a friend’s pain.
If person #2 tells you that she understands pain, as she has felt pain too, that’s called commiserating and it’s something that is very much appreciated.
It seems that both person #2 and #3 are correct. Person #2 commiserated, yet person #3 understood that she was invalidating.
I would have told person #3 that you appreciated person #2 telling you about her pain because “misery likes company.”
You are being emotionally manipulated get help.
“is it really so strange that I end up feeling sad for person #2 and my own feelings of pain/hurt lessen after hearing someone else’s problem?”
No, sometimes realizing how much worse it could have been makes u feel fortunate. But to me u just seem to be feeling bad about their pain instead of urs.
“Is it wrong for someone to share their pain to show that my pain is not so bad or not worth feeling bad over?”
Yes. No one should tell u ur feelings are “wrong” or try to stop u from feeling something. That doesn’t actually work and doesn’t make people feel better. Validation is what makes people feel better. You are entitled to feel whatever ur feeling.
“MorahRach: Let me give you an example; after i had a miscarriage in the very early stages of my pregnancy, I was talking to a friend of mine and she said “Thats so sad! At least you didnt see the baby! I lost my baby in the 8th month and they showed me the lifeless body!” As soon as she said that, I didnt feel upset that she minimized my pain, i just felt so sorry for her and consoled her for the rest of the conversation. “
The other person was out of line. Did she honestly think that twelling you something so awful thatshe suffered, mitigated your own loss? The conversation, which was supposed to be about YOUR pain, suddenly became all about her and HER pain. Very ,very insensitive of her, in my opinion. I knwo someone like that, and she often deflects people’s comments about things that they are going through, to turn the conversation back onto herself. It is selfish and self-centered to do that, NOT comforting. Your friend, should have let you talk, grieve your loss, and told you, “I am here for you. I have known pain, too, and I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better.” By the way, no one who has suffered a miscarriage (myself included), can possibly know how the person who is going through this herself (and himself, because the father is often overlooked as also suffering terribly)is feeling. My close friend had a miss at the same time as I, and she never got pregnant again. Each pain is a personal tragedy and should not be minimized by ANYONE who wants to one-up them.
“However, a few days later, i was talking to another close friend and she was telling me how bad she felt for me, then i brought up what the other friend said (without mentioning her name) and she started to tell me how its wrong to bring up your own pain when someone is trying to let out their feelings. And as sad as her situation may be, she cant compare pain…
Bottom line, at the end of this conversation i was so confused and hurt i didnt know what to feel! “
Your second friend meant well, IMHO. You say you didn’t know WHAT to feel? There are no hard and fast rules about right or wrong in our feelings. Feelings just ARE. How we deal with those feelings, is the crucial part. I am SO sorry for your loss. I hope you have subsequently had and will continue to have much simcha in your life.
“but is it really so strange that I end up feeling sad for person #2 and my own feelings of pain/hurt lessen after hearing someone else’s problem?”
there’s a chazal or a rashi, don’t remember where it’s from but it says, “tzarat rabim chatzi nechama”. So no, you’re normal.
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