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I am in my early 40’s. Became Baal Teshuvah before turning 18. Was/ is a good learner and a sincere Ben Torah but pushed off marriage because I did not have the Chutzpah to rely on my wife for parnosoh or to take government benefits- while kolel is frankly peanuts.
Now I have something but not substantial, B’ezras Hashem but it seems that all the ladies that I encounter have forgotten what they learned in Bais Yaakov and all they care about is money.
Are there any Shadchanim that can help or better yet sincere normal ladies who may be interested.
The further out of Beis Yaakov an unmarried girl is, the further she goes away from the idealism of Yiddishkeit.
I dont know where you live but I know that Gateways makes a lot of shidduchim. They are located in Monsey. If you want more info and who to contact get my email address through the Mods. if possible.
There’s a difference between wanting money (read “BIG” money) and wanting stability.
This may not be the case with you, but, I find a lot of people who are not settled financially, and who are rejected for this, blame the women for being shallow.
There’s nothing shallow about wanting to feel secure that rent can be paid, utilities, food, health coverage, etc.
There are those who wouldn’t date a guy who couldn’t get them a 2 carot diamond or larger, who couldn’t provide them with a nice home, vacations, etc.
Then there are those in between. They’re not demanding big money, but they want more than getting by.
Most people want either a very good learner or a very good worker. People don’t strive for mediocre.can you blame them??
Your zivug is out there, but she might take longer to find as you sift through those who are looking for the guy, not the resume.
I think that most realistic girls come to discover they want both a good learner AND good earner. And that is perfectly reasonable. My daughters don’t necessarily want to drip in diamonds and have chandeliers in every room in the house, but they don’t want to marry someone who cannot make the rent payment each month, or pay for utilities and a little luxury called food. And babies? They have to be prepared for little surprises like that. I cannot afford to support them (and btw, that is NOT my job anymore, I supported them all their lives), now it is their turn to be grownups and do what I did when I got married – work together with their spouses to pay their own way through life.
oomis1105 +100,000,000
Wow, oomis! Just cash in on all those points and you & all your daughters can retire!
Wow, oomis! Just cash in on all those points and you & all your daughters can retire!”
Halevai auf mir gezugt!!!!!! (That’s all the Yiddish I know).
Thanks, NOMTW and Curiosity.
“I fully agree that a husband has to be able to provide for rent,health insurance,tuition,etc. However a lady has to be clear does she want a Ben torah or does she want a Lawyer or a Doctor or even better just say “significant” money.”
There is no cotradiction in being both. Moshe Rabbeinu was the first leader of the Jewish nation, and he was also a Supreme Court Judge. Rambam was a physician. Rabbi Yehudah Hanasi was an extremely wealthy man. Were any of them corrupt? Did they follwo the Torah? Some of the finest Bnei Torah in my community are doctors and lawyers, and they regularly give shiurim in my neighborhood. Your comment wants further reflection, IMO.
Try the following: zivugzone.com and also frumster.com
Let us know the good news.
Rabbi Akiva started learning at 40. You are well ahead.
Dvarim bgav. Yesh davar bsoch davar.
GROUNDS for divorce (Groan…)
slowdownandthink, Rabbi Dan Tiomkin wrote an excellent book, “Rediscovering the Lost Self”, which may assist you in finding a shidduch. It is sold in many book stores (or can be requested) and has helped many people in many ways.
I shudder to bring to the religious world the following reality, but due to the extremely picky Shidduch market, this unfortunately & tragically has a direct impact on the tragic rate of intermarriage.
Let’s realistically face it:- A young man or woman from not such a religious upbringing comes of age to marry. Many of them will be most compliant to marry a Jew[ess], and indeed will set about see[k]ing a Jew[ess]; Then some young picky girls & boys will begin rejecting this young candidate one after the other, often because of his/her weaker level of religiousness, and even those who have learned but come from poor backgrounds, and eventually the desperation & helplessness enmeshes, and then some fine day the young person meets a Shiktazh/Shegetz who talks nicely & is very prepared to settle, and after such a frustrating dating career, the young person feels that anyways the from community is heartless & uncaring, and s/he has done more than enough Hishtadlus, and now is not guilty for marrying out, and s/he gave it more than a fare try.
& I have seen this time & time again. When is the Frum world going to wake up and educate our youngsters to be realistic & snip down that shopping list considerably?
My advice, as usual, is not to set any prerequisites yourself.
When I went looking, the only things I asked for where 1) she shouldn’t be seriously overweight and 2) she must speak at least some English. (That was in Israel and I spoke, already then, rather good Ivrit.) The very first shidduch I went on was the very last one as well – I found the right girl immediately. I still don’t know how that happened, seeing that others go through 100 and yet can’t find the one for them!
Basically, if you don’t think the other one is ugly, if you have some common background and common interests and common hashkafa and plans for the future, go for it. It doesn’t have to be complicated.
Anyway, I don’t have any practical advice either. I would advice any other BTs however, not to wait 22+ years before starting on the shidduch market. I myself was 16-17 when I started becoming frum, came to E”Y at age 19, and got married at age 21. There is no point in waiting until you’re 30 – it will be a lot harder to 1) find someone and 2) get used to married life, by then.
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