Shidduchin as a Business

see the documentary film, “Fiddler on the Roof,” for information on the beginning of professional shadchanut.

“With the way she looks, and the way you see, it’s a perfect match.”

its probably because the communities are so big. If you want to do it the old fashioned way you should look for someone in your family’s circles, that way you know what type of girl she is and what type of family she’s from.

My mother and grandparents have told me that in the old days, the 1930’s and 1940’s, in America, the Bronx, to be more specific, it was the custom to do community matchmaking on Yom Kippur.

All the young candidates would be at synagogue, in their best clothing and on their best behavior, and it would be up to the community to introduce those who in need of a match to each other.

Why not have more naturally mixed events, after holidays, etc., and have the community do its traditional job of making sure that every pot has a lid (my dear grandmother’s words) and every lid has a pot?

Most shidduchim are made by family or friends. However, the need has grown for shadchanim as Klal Yisroel has grown. Most shadchanim don’t have a set fee, and are just trying to help. They spend hours & hours helping strangers!! Resumes are needed to be able to have people’s info in an organized format.

To say that it has turned into a full fledged business that includes resumes and fees that rival anything that is seen in the corporate world – is both unfair & simply not true!!

Oh it wasn’t on yom kipur, it was in the night when it finished.

The “Day of Atonement Dance” is a sad event that goes on in many places. It probably stems from the well-known minhag during the times of the Beis Hamikdash, when unmarried girls would go out into the fields and dance after the seir ha’azazel was sacrificed, and shidduchim would come of it. If this is true, it is of course a most vile perversion of a sacred event.

no goats are sacrificed, for one thing.

Jewish&working; I agree with you wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, the Shidduch system has turned into a business- just think about the entire process! Girls go to Shadchanim and get “interviewed” – they bring their “resumes”, and then are pretty much judged upon how they answer the Shadchan’s questions. The girls want to get “hired” (i.e suggestions, or a date) so of course they write every positive thing about themselves on their resume! I always wondered how guys who are dating handle all the resumes they receive? Is there a structured process – read all resumes, weed out the ones that just don’t sound good, call up all the references for each of the remaining resumes, and then pick the “best one”? Like you said, the entire process has become faulty. Long gone are the days where one can just ask people around if they know of a potential match. Sad as it is, that is reality. Some are lucky and still meet their spouse the “old fashioned way” without all of the business interactions. And yet some need to go through a longer, more difficult process of dealing with shadchans, resumes etc. in order to find the Right One. Hshem should bless you and all of us singles out there who are trying and trying in this upside down world to get married.

jaw22: I just found this on another site, posted by someone from the CR, I believe. It’s a quote from an article by Devora Weiner, author of the book <i>From The Shadchan’s Wife: Everything You Need To Know For Successful Dating</i>.

“Writing a Torah is also a mitzva, so is teaching, being a rav or a shochet, etc. Still, we understand that we need to pay people who provide these services – even if they do them l’shem shamayim – or they won’t be able to devote themselves to their holy work. “

Hi Jewishandworking22,

I don’t know that I gave you advice on “how” to date, but I replied to your query of why isn’t the old way of parents asking around and finding someone suitable good enough for today; I replied that there’s nothing wrong with that route if you don’t want to go the “formal” route of visiting a shadchan etc. If the old route works for you, go for it; many shidduchim are still made that way. If it is not working for you and you see the need to go to a shadchan who is a stranger to you, submit written information because they don’t know you, etc, then why are you asking why this is the current method: you yourself obviously think it is the best way because you are doing it, and have not had successful with the more family oriented method. Of course, you could be seventy years old, married with grandchildren, and asking this as a theoretical question, and I mean my reply as a theoretical too.

So, in summation, it’s only a “business” when you yourself choose to make it by contacting a stranger and formally asking for assistance.

If you want to know “how” to date, I’ve got some really good ideas, and I charge :).

You wrote,

“Why do “professional” shadchanim THINK and EXPECT that they should get paid????

Do I get paid for davening every day? Saying a bracha before and after I eat something? If so, please tell me to whom do I go to, so I can collect? I won’t have to work anymore and I’ll retire.”

Your screen name is “working”. How can you accept a paycheck for your work? Don’t you think you should be doing it for free, solely l’shem mitzvah? If you are someone’s bookkeeper or accountant, don’t you think it’s a big mitzvah to help someone out with their finances; how can you take money? If you are a nurse or a psychologist, how can you take money for something that is so clearly a mitzvah, helping someone get better?! What does your personal brachos that you say to Hashem have to do with getting paid to help someone? Are you a lawyer? A plumber? Don’t you know what a big mitzvah it is to help someone out of trouble? These are all really “chessed” endeavors, that today have become trades and professions, for which you collect a check. Should you? Perhaps not! I could use some of those services myself! (probably a psychologist, after shaking my head so many times from this dialogue :).)

Your real estate analogy was good. The “shadchan” trade is a trade of chessed, just like a nurse, a lawyer, and a plumber. Pay properly, or next time you need a doctor, after he gives you the script for antibiotics and the bill, tell him he should be doing this for a chessed and it’s a chutzpah that society has turned chessed into a paid venture. And when you need your resume redone for your own professional ladder-climbing (of which I’m sure you’re no longer accepting a paycheck, now that you realize how wrong that is), after contacting a talented writer who spends a couple of hours rewriting your resume and tells you the fee, please inform him that helping someone find a job is the highest form of chessed, and you are astounded that he would even think of charging for this noble chessed.

The way shadchanim are abused by ungrateful boys, girls, and parents of same, they deserve every penny. If you feel it should be otherwise, “kraina de’igrissa, ihu lemahavei parvanka”, an Aramaic (there’s the word again) phrase meaning “take your own advice”. Go ahead, be a shadchan for free. We’d love to hear about your experiences.

Just a thought to chew on:

Does anyone here see a conflict of interest in making shadchanus a livelihood?

The CR has a simultaneous thread about the shidduch crisis. If you reduce the economic incentive, you reduce the availability of shadchanim. Does anyone here think that will HELP the shidduch crisis?

I think if you know the person, his family, his friends, you have better chances of making a succesful shidduch than with anonymous resemes