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Why is everything wrong in shidduchim pinned on “the boys mother” by so many people? First of all, the boys father has as much to do, and more to do, with the boys’ shidduchim than the mother. Second of all, the girls’ mothers have as much to do with any purported, perceived and real problems in shidduchim as the boys’ mothers.
Teretz is that the people blaming the boys’ mothers need a scapegoat for their own shortcomings.
Is there any possibility that this information came from shadchonim?
“First of all, the boys father has as much to do, and more to do, with the boys’ shidduchim than the mother”
What do you base this on?
Joe?
Even if you were right with your assumptions, your teirutz doesn’t explain why the boy’s mother is used a scapegoat more than his father or the girl’s mother.
Although I don’t have a brother in the parsha myself, I spoke to a friend of mine whose 24-year-old brother was in shidduchim for the last year. She told me that her mother had a stack of resumes ad hashamayim, and every few days she’d look into another girl. She could kind of decide to say no for any random reason, until she found the “perfect” girl.
This kind of mentality is the reason that so much of what is wrong with shidduchim is blamed on the boy’s mother.
Another thing is that often boys’ mothers are looking for things in their daughters-in-law that their sons could not care less about- i.e. G.O. in high school (boys have no clue what G.O. is!), dresses in style (many boys don’t care, though some do), “bubbly/spunky”, etc. I’m not saying that this doesn’t work the other way, too, but it tends to run this way more often.
In general, the attitude of “my son has everything coming to him because he’s a top learner” (whatever a top learner means) seems to come from boys’ mothers. I’ve heard it directly from mothers and from shadchanim about the mothers.
Again, I’m not saying there aren’t others to blame- just that boys’ mothers have a lot to do with it.
So what I infer from that is that people from josephs velt don’t have much respect for woman so naturally the man makes all the decisions but just because that is your experience that does not mean it is the norm.
I have not heard that the fathers are as involved in shidduchim as the boys’ mothers. I have daughters and all the contacts with the boys’ side have been with the mother, which considering a good number of shadchanim are women it stands to reason they would deal with the mother since it wouldn’t be tzniusdik for men to do so. I have heard all the comments, and I have yet to hear from any father friends or otherwise that they are involved in finding shidduchim for their sons, though they are involved in finding shidduchim for their daughters. I have heard so much nonsense attributed to the boys’ mother concerning looks, dress size, etc. They can’t all be made up
She told me that her mother had a stack of resumes ad hashamayim, and every few days she’d look into another girl. She could kind of decide to say no for any random reason, until she found the “perfect” girl.
This kind of mentality is the reason that so much of what is wrong with shidduchim is blamed on the boy’s mother.
Is that her fault? What should she do if she has a stack of resumes? Pick the worst one? Do eeny meeny miny mo?
Okay, replace “information” with “idea,” Joseph.
“First of all, the boys father has as much to do, and more to do, with the boys’ shidduchim than the mother.”
Interesting. Most young men in shidduchim I have spoken to, specifically about shidduchim, always mention running it by their mother, asking if I can give the info directly to their mother or can their mother call me for more info. Almost never is the father the one to run things by, the one to follow up with or the one to follow up. Perhaps its just me.
apush: I think yours is the common experience.
Perhaps its just me.
No, it’s not just you.
“Often the father and/or the bochor will advise the wife/mother what questions to ask, what points to tell the shadchanim, etc. “
And just as often the mother asks questions that the father/son would be mortified if they knew she even asked.
Joseph, what is the source for your opinions? How many people did you surveyed?
As usual, you make unproven , blanket assertions, then require naysayers to provide evidence.
My wife has never seen a father at a shidduch meeting, nor has s by e ever been contacted by a father
What’s source?
DY- I’m not saying it’s her fault; obviously she has to start somewhere. I think that the reasoning of narrowing down prospects is sometimes overly ridiculous.
I think that the reasoning of narrowing down prospects is sometimes overly ridiculous.
Of course sometimes it is. But do you (or anyone) know how often silly nonsense is factored in? We hear the stories, because they’re both funny and sad at the same time, and stick out. But is it really that common?
DY- from the shidduch calls my friends and I have gotten since we started shidduchim, it seems to be pretty common. Obviously, there are no statistics about these things.
I don’t know if there’s a better way- doesn’t seem like it to me, to be honest- but I just try my best as the girl not to perpetuate the same mistakes.
Joseph, by attacking me and not providing your sources, you’ve proved my point.
how broad, or narrow is the charedi demographic you are working with? I dont even want to go there, but, how do you define charedi?
My mom makes shidduch meetings. She has had one male participant in all of her 15+ years running them.
If I was an immature boy I would totally use my mother as a cover to get what I wanted. Ie, I’m not shallow and want a skinny girl, it’s my mother who won’t let me date a skinny girl.
Torah613Torah- they’re the ones who don’t usually care to cover up; they outright say that they want a skinny girl.
Most boys don’t want to marry a skinny girl, they want a pretty girl.
RebYidd, how do you know what MOST of anyone wants, knows, thinks, etc. There is no way to know that. I would agree that looks are a factor, but plenty of people I see are married to very average looking girls, some pretty, some not, some skinny, some otherwise. The joke is the boys seem to have less to offer than what they demand of the girls. Is that Daas Torah?
Sorry guys, but as the mother of only daughters, I will tell you that the boys mother has enormous influence on whom her son dates. Frequently, the information from the Shadchan, gotten from the young man, in no way, matches the information gotten from his mother.
Often, the mother projects WHAT SHE WANTS for her son, rather than what he wants for himself.
It had made for many sticky, uncomfortable conversations and situations.
I totally agree with LI mom.
I also agree with LI mom. As I have mentioned in the past in a different thread, when I tried setting up a niece, the boy’s mother commented that the girl is not skinny and the family has no money and I quote, “I am looking for the best deal I can get for my son.” This is not an isolated incident
Joseph- many, many people have shared similar experiences. Obviously anecdotal evidence is weak, but many people in shidduchim have gone through “not enough money” or “not pretty/skinny enough” coming from the boy’s mother.
B’H nothing like that ever got back to me, but I’m sure it’s been said.
I’ve heard similar comments in connection with shidduchim I have tried to make, like “I have resumes with prettier girls in my son’s stack” I also heard of boys mothers who basically want to visit the girl’s workplace secretly to get a look at the girl in action.
Well, I have heard the tablecloth question. Truthfully, I couldnt believe it when I heard it but it wasnt as outrageous as the ankles question I once got (does she have skinny ankles!).
Do you stack and scrape at the table?
Do you use mattress pads?
Do you use plastic tablecloths?
I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with asking the questions, except if the answer will make the mother say yes or no to a potential questions.
I think these questions are helpful in finding out what type the family is. are they simple? classy, balebatish?
The questions are ridiculous. All this pre-checking is ridiculous. If it sounds good, let them go out and decide for themselves.
Sounds can be deceiving.
you mean the couple that eventually marries shouldn’t like each other that much as long as the due diligence pans out. I dated a lot before I was married and did not go through the due diligence. I don’t know if the fear that a couple on a first date could be infatuated and that there is some LEGITIMATE reason why they shouldn’t continue to date.
I understand why a mother would want her son to marry a pretty girl, but honestly, you don’t want a mother-in-law who would be so rude to actually say the girl is not pretty enough.
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