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Sometimes it is not the Yetzer Hara that causes problems, but the best of intentions that parents have when raising their children. Not every child can be raised in a “best” yeshivah, and not every person is meant to follow the path that every other child in the family does. For every Yissachar who learns, there is a Zevulun who perhaps does not, but helps support the learning done by others. Maybe this brother does not have a head for learning. That does not invalidate him as a good Yid, and should not impact negatively on his sister’s chances for a shidduch of her choice. It is because of this type of thinking that people are not often upfront about issues in their families.
People stand on their own set of rules and principles when doing shidduchim. What one person considers foolish and stupid another considers absolute unyielding. There are no rules in the shidduch game and unfortunately parents miss wonderful opportunities and waste years of their children’s lives while doing this.
Yes of course, parents have to be careful and do what they think is best for their child. But they also have to realize and understand that their is another partner in the shidduch game/process and that is Hashem. And that every shidduch presented is presented for a reason. Hashem put that idea into someone’s head and that is why that shidduch was redt! That great learning boy those parents are selling may one day decide he had enough and he can’t do it anymore. Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor and he also tests people in different ways.
It is truly unfortunate that WE as a whole don’t realize that and understand that, and we are way too quick to judge others for minor and incidental issues.
In this dor, it is very common for families to have a child with issues with the system. Kids at risk is very common and happens to the “best families.”
Yes, someone should check into the family. And see how they dealt with the child and if they gave their children proper hashkafah. But you can’t hold it against the sibling that it happened. Especially if they are from a large family and have one sibling who either had trouble with learning or frumkeit issues.
An older girl (approx 33) recently turned down a guy (approx 39) because “I kind of know of him from the neighborhood and I dont think he is for me. Someone just like him, is what I am looking for” she said. Mishugas or Acceptable?
No, they never dated.
No, they were never formally introduced to each other in any setting.
No, they do not daven in the same shul or have siblings who are friendly with each other.
However, HE is not for her, but someone JUST LIKE HIM is.
I suggested she go for counseling. Was that proper or unacceptable?
it depends what else she knows about him from seeing him around the community. It could be that she was seen things about him midos wise that she would not find compatible. It could be that she knows the family and there is some red flag to her. Just what she answers a shadchan is not nessecarily the whole picture although in profile it might be what she is looking for.
I personally think its unacceptable to suggest someone go for counseling unless you know her a lot better than you made it sound.
Very good advice, based on her own admission. (she’s looking for someone just like him, yet not him?”)
Sounds like a commitment problem. I suffered from that too (after coming home from my first date with who was to become Mrs. BP). Except that I was 21, so my father said, nu.. whats the problem? ANd when I said “I don’t know” he said, “so apparently there’s no problem! I’ll call the shadchan to set up the next date” (Thanks, TA!)
Of course, in her 30’s that will never fly, so she needs to see a professional, so she is convinced that the advice she is getting is sound.
I am not saying she might not have an issue. I am just saying that as a single girl, too many people think that it is in their place to give well meaning advice without knowing the girl personally or without knowing the whole situation. It is not every person on the street to decide that a girl has a commitment issue. If that is the case, it is something which her parents/ mentors can advise her about- not just s/o who once redt her shidduch.
I totally agree with speaktruth
Jphone, not knowing the girl or the situation, I am not sure if what you said to her was warranted or not. Sometimes someone knows something about the guy that they simply do not want to talk about to anyone, for fear of saying L”H. There might be many characteristics about the person that they would like in a spouse, but that particular person has done or said something that puts him out of the running. But maybe there is a problem in his family that puts the girl off, but she likes his TYPE in other respects. We should not judge so quickly. There could be a family dynamic going on that is potentially a problem, and she prefers to look elsewhere, as is her prerogative.
Oomis, Speaktruth. Your both missing the point, she doesn’t know the boy in any way, just heard about him and has determined he is not for her. She refuses to meet him and see for herself if he is or is not for her. At 33 years old, if this girls has some hang up about some family member or some other stupidity she SHOULD seek counseling. Personally, I think she is afraid that at 33 she will hear “after all this time, HE is who you are marrying?”. He is not, the best guy in the yeshiva, the sharpest dressed, the one with the handsomest face, the super high IQ or faubulously wealthy. He is just your average guy, who learns a few hrs a day, has a masters degree, goes to work, dresses like everyone else. Isn’t distinguished in any way, just, your average guy. I think that after all these years of waiting the girls is simply afraid to end up with just your average guy, she probably passed on that guy many times over the years. Now, she is fopolishly holding out for “super guy” so she can justify to her small mind, the waiting was well worth it. Hence. My advise to seek help.
The “hashavua” newspaper a few weeks ago reported about an avrech in bnei brak who went to ask r’ a.l. steimen shlit”a about a shiduch for his son which is a “perfect shiduch” the only problem is that this girls brother is off the derch. The rov answered that “in today’s world we are influenced by the outside world, and it is not possible to judge a girl from what you see by her brothers”.
I think I have to agree with jphone here.
I knew of a couple, the guy 42 and the girl 34 who broke the engagement 3 days before the wedding. Now I don’t know the details but they BOTH obviously have their issues.
jphone, if the situation is exactly as you describe, then you are probably right that there is an issue, though I personally would never tell someone she needs counseling, unless they asked for my opinion about that. It was not clear from your original post that she just flat out refused to go out with him. I just got the sense that the girl knew something that maybe you did not, possibly from other females who had gone out with him. “I kind of know of him from the neighborhood…,” sometimes indicates an awareness of subtleties of which you may be unaware. That’s all I am saying…
” At 33 years old, if this girls has some hang up about some family member or some other stupidity she SHOULD seek counseling. ”
I didn’t miss the point at all. We just have different points. I am just trying to say [based on what i know from the little info] that it is not appropriate for YOU or any other person who does not have a close kesher with the girl to suggest that she seek counseling unless she ASKS you for YOUR opinion.
I am not trying to play devils advocate but I hate when ppl on the outside judge and give suggestions without knowing everything.
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