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That is not all that matters. It matters, but other things matter too. A lot.
Rebshidduch – why do you think you came into the coffeeroom and told us all those things about the guy and how you didn’t want to date him? You obviously were very concerned about the possibility of dating him and were looking for chizuk to not do so. Now you ended up doing exactly what you were afraid you would do, and you expect us not to try to dissuade you?
I don’t think we will be able to dissuade you, even though you make it clear that was what you wanted. But at the very least, speak to your mother about it. She has your best interests at heart and can remain more clear-headed about the situation than you can. There is a reason why parents are traditionally involved in the shidduch process.
“Lilmod, please stop insulting the guy I might soon start dating.”
Rebshidduch, I don’t know the guy. All I’ve done is repeat back to you the things that you said.
RY – +1
Lilmod, I agree that in the beginning I was concerned about this. Now I think it has gone too far like how you said and there is no going back unfortunately.
“and there is no going back unfortunately.”
You can always go back if you really want to. It’s called Teshuva. It’s true that it will be hard for you. That is why you need some support. The first thing you need to do is to tell your mother about this. The second thing you need to do is to offer rides to more girls instead of stopping to give rides to your friend.
Lilmod, I have had issues like this in the past. At first I regretted. Later, as a single I stopped regretting it and was like if other girls have husbands why cant I have a boyfriend which is a potential husband?
there is no going back
So you’re married! Mazel Tov!
I wish you lots of hatzlacha in your marriage!
Meno, haha. Not even close.
If you’re not married, then why is there no going back?
Rebshidduch, you did not stop regretting it based on your posts.
Try to listen to your head (Yetzer Tov) and not your heart (Yetzer hara)
No one said you can’t have a boyfriend – the issue was that you did not think that he would be a good boyfriend for you.
If you do think he would be a good boyfriend (aka potential husband), why are you reluctant to tell your mother about him?
Lilmod, because I feel like she was expecting me to date a different type of guy not this kind of guy.
Lilmod, it is very hard for single girls to know that a MO guy really likes her and not to give him a chance just because his MO his still a Jew.
Meno, because I like him okay?
rebshidduch, then you definitely need to discuss it with her!!!!!
“Later, as a single I stopped regretting it”
and yet a few minutes ago, you wrote:
“and there is no going back unfortunately.”
Apparently, you do regret it.
I’m really going to try not to get involved in this thread. Its certainly not my place.
I do want to point out one thing:
Lilmod, I have had issues like this in the past. At first I regretted. Later, as a single I stopped regretting it and was like if other girls have husbands why cant I have a boyfriend which is a potential husband?
LU – I think you’ve pointed out enough times on enough threads how terrible this guy is and what a bad idea it is for RebShidduch to continue falling in with/for him. Perhaps it’s time to explain whats wrong with the above post, and why maybe she just has the wrong idea of what marriage is? Because a husband isn’t a boyfriend.
Why is every single thread here somehow about Rebshidduch?
Because you haven’t started any. Start one and then we’ll have a thread about you.
Also, because she is going through a difficult nisayon and needs chizuk.
Yekke2 -that is a good point. I actually did point it out in another thread (albeit not in that lashon per se’) and it seems like the message was received.
Thank you.
Lilmod, I was just thinking I am not sure if it was you or someone else that mentioned that it is not okay for him to be friends with other girls besides his girlfriend and future wive which could be me. I see where you are coming from now and I 100 percent agree. I even know other girls who made their boyfriends get rid of all their other girl friends and they did the same. I totally agree with you. I should look further into that.
First Welcome back! B’Mokom S’Baaley Teshuva Oimdim Tzadikim Gemurim ainom yochulim la’amd
However I have to ask you the following: Why SHOULD an upstanding BY girl who never anything did majorly wrong in her past want to consider someone who did?I don’t mean this only in a frumkeit sense. I mean it in a compatibility sense. If you’ve been “more than around the block” and she never considered such behavior are you really sure she is on your wave length and holding in the same place in life as you?
On another note a niece of mine went off. Now she came back B’H. Would you be interested in her? Well guess what? She wouldn’t be interested in you because she is insisting that she will only marry a boy who doesn’t have a past.
I apologize if I was too blunt. I mean this just as something for you to consider. I know I’m very possibly terribly wrong and terribly misjudging you and you situation. May you your find you zivug hagin b’korov
Edited
smearl, I thought you were referring to me because that is what they keep telling me.
He’s 24…
Just want to give a little chizuk to bochur2.0 (especially because I was a little harsh before): I know a guy who grew up very frum and went OTD he came back on a few years ago and just got engaged to a FFB BY girl!!!!!! MAZEL TOV!!!!!!
bmyer, mazel tov. The guy who just got engaged, went OTD before and came back on and just recently got engaged is 24?
Hi 🙂
Pesach Kasher veSameach!!
the moment i saw the headline i just had to enter and read 😉
I was a yeshiveBucher the classic way…then [of a very legit and understood reasons, not “cand learn etc] left yeshiveh and started working on my computersScience bachelor degree…
i still learn in a Kollel every day, and plans are to stick with it forever BH!
i look like a yeshiveh bocher, and much more frum than many of my yeshiveh buchers friends!
AND, im in shidduchim for about 3 year, dated a lot of girls. 95% of them were too modern for me! the shadchanim think its a good fit only coz im not in a yeshiveh.
Ofc most girls wouldnt dare dating such a guy, right?thats what i thought, i was so sure ill never find a girl who fits my iddishkeit well enough, and that at some point ill probably settle for a very modern girl, and change the whole shape i wanted my home built.
But then some of my friends, Charedi students just like me got married…after long years in shidduchim too, and to girls whom are not any kind of a settlement!
[from the side of the girls it was also not a settling]
and they told me not to settle…
from this (our) point of view- dating a lot of girls without finding a good fit- its such a hard thing to believe in, i know because its so hard for me.
but i understand that, even if our way\path is very very long -we will still also arrive at our destination in the end.so i dont think u should give up!!
stick to what u believe in!! Hashem knows your worth! dont forget that.
eventually, u come with a guarantee! u r what u r because u chose it! and not because thats how all ur friends are, or because the whole yesiveh are, or whatever stupid reasons sometimes keep ppl the way they are.
best luck 🙂yeshivastudent, that is very offensive to many boys and girls. Because I am dating guys who are your type and they are not setting with some random modern girl. I am a very tznius, learned girl and getting a very good degree and will iyh make for a very good wive. The guys too had to get degrees and also learn in yeshiva like you. When I iyh get married to a guy like that who is learning and working like how you jut said they are not settling for some random modern girl. Most of the time my skirt is 4 inches below my knees and maybe sometimes on days I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed there right above my knees. But the majority of the time it is 4 inches below my knees. I want to raise my kids to want to learn in kollel and marry kollel guys. I want my house to be full of Torah all the time. I may right now sometimes sound or look modern but in real life I really am very yeshivish and do always majority of the time very tznius and always learning and support Torah very much.
Rebshidduch – I think you misuderstood what Yeshivastudent wrote. He did not offend you (or anyone) at all. He said that marrying a “very modern girl” would be settling for him. You are not modern, so he wasn’t talking about you.
rebshidduch
wow its just like hearing myselft talking!!
im so not used to it.about whoever might got offended i have a correction:
[i actually wanted to put it in my 1st message but forgot]
IM FROM ISRAEL, and here in israel things are very different, a guy who even put the tip of his nose out of the yeshiveh, even if its for a realy low precentage of his day [a degree alongside yeshiveh], concidered Muktze!!! just the way the guy who opened this thread described himself…its the same Hoomreh here :\ thats why i used this example, although i know in USA its not as much Chommur. just was talking about getting a good Shidduch against the odds :).btw, if the language in my messages isnt good enough too -now u know the reason 😉
Lilmod Ulelamaid
i just couldnt put it better thatn u just did!!
i wish those were the suggestions i get lol.Maybe we can make a shidduch here…
Lilmod, what do you consider modern?
Lilmod, what do you consider modern?
Is it assur for one to rip his own hair out on chol hamoed?
“Lilmod, what do you consider modern?”
We weren’t talking about what I think; we were talking about what you think. You said that you are not modern. If you don’t consider yourself modern, then you can’t be insulted by the fact that YeshivaStudent doesn’t want to go out with modern girls.
I’m not sure why you should be insulted anyhow – Haven’t you mentioned not wanting to go out with modern boys? There’s nothing wrong with that.
I see Meno has a post awaiting moderation. I can guess what his post might be about.
Is it assur for one to rip his own hair out on chol hamoed?
Yes, especially since it could have been ripped out a long time ago.
Lilmod, I am not insulted by that. I was insulted when he started saying that no girls want guys who are working.
Meno, you cannot cut your hair during sefira if that is what you mean. I cut my hair before pesech.
i didnt say anything to insult anybody!
i do say a modern girl wont be a good fit for me.
its wrong to say about “modern” that they are bad or good, same goes for Frum and also for Goyim 😉
theres only a good fit, and not a good fit 🙂yeshivastudent, I like your emojis. How did you get them?
yeshivastudent, so what do you say about a girl the type that your looking to marry to marry someone less religious than them and modern orthodox?
“Lilmod, I am not insulted by that. I was insulted when he started saying that no girls want guys who are working.”
He didn’t say that.
“yeshivastudent, so what do you say about a girl the type that your looking to marry to marry someone less religious than them and modern orthodox?”
-sorry, i didnt understand.the emojis- its unintentionally haha…im just typing “: )” and “; )”
without the spaces…i guess the forum platform programmed to interpretate these to the right emoji automatically.yeshivastudent, thank you for that:) I was asking if the idea was good for a girl to marry someone less religious than her to sum that up;) (just testing the emjois by putting the smiley face and winkey face.)
RS: emojis can’t be rushed, nor should shidduchim, so make sure to give yourself some space 😉
Mammele, I do not get it?
he\she meant u cant type it in a row after a word.
and i dont think its a good idea to marry a person not in the same [give or take ofc] religius level.
but im very precise with my words, 1 need to make sure the CURRENT level of the other is about the same, coz thats what important. as i said im looking at myself and i can easily say im not less Frum than when i was in a fulltime yeshiveh…i just care for my financial future.
same goes for a guy with a past, all Poskim say if its not a thing that gonna be a part of your life after getting married- u dont even have to tell those things of ur past! this is how not important it is!!!
so a girl who think “if he was bla bla bla, i cant marry him” [although currently he is a perfect match]
is disagreeing with those Poskim! and i dont think its a good Middah for any girl.yeshivastudent, I am sad to say this but unfortunately I only have a few friends right now and they either moved out of town forever or are away for school for a year and I will not be able to hang out with them. See my post on making new friends. Plus I am still single. So that is why I want new friends and that is why I am in the process of making my own shidduch by myself with a modern guy who is a lot less religious than me.
i think its irrelevant to this thread 😉
anyway best luck 🙂
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